Thursday, February 27, 2014

Relief & Disappointment from Genetic Testing

I got my results back from PGD genetic testing and I'm both relieved and disappointed.

The good news: we have 1 normal embryo.
The bad news: there was only one out of 8 embryos tested.

The cycle seemed to have started out well and was progressing very well. We ended up with:
  • 22 eggs retrieved
  • 20 mature
  • 17 were fertilized (with ICSI, which is what they recommend when doing PGD testing)
  • 15 made it to Day 5
  • 8 were biopsied for testing - this is where the numbers started declining
  • 1 made it
We have one frozen already from a cycle in October that had similar results (1 normal out of 5 biopsied & tested).

Our plan: to transfer the two that we have in the hopes that we either extremely fortunately get twins or at least have a better chance of one being the outcome. Our FET is scheduled for April 9.

I have to say, though, that as much as I have glimmers of hopefulness, the disappointment and the weariness is overshadowing a lot of that.

I'm having a hard time with thinking that this may actually be the thing that actually works. I'm also concerned that I'm also being greedy in that I want a FAMILY not just 1 CHILD. Is that terrible? And I feel like even if this ONE does work, then how do we get/muster up the energy to have a second child?? Which is why, at this point, I just so badly want twins...

I'll be 39 in March. If this works, I'll be 40 some before we can try again. It's just starting to feel like the light is dimming on all of this. We're going into our 7th year of ttc. I've barely got any energy left to even have these kids and raise them let alone keep trying to have them! Sometimes just unloading the dishwasher can feel like such an extra chore.

Ok... I'm wandering a bit here. This stuff just zaps the energy right out of you though.

I'm still so grateful for It's been so, so helpful.

B and I are in such a great place right now that I can't help but wonder if we just throw in the towel after this and live child-free. If we can't even deal with emptying the dishwasher, how are we supposed to add children to the mix?

Everyone always says that adding children to a couple adds a lot of stress on a marriage and frankly, I'm concerned about that. We have a great life right now with minimal responsibility. As you can tell, we both don't like doing household chores (and we have hired a cleaning service to help with that!).

But I just have all these things swirling in my head about:
  • What if this doesn't work? Do we go to the "ultra-specialist" in NJ? Will they likely say they can't do anything further for us? Even if they did, do we have the energy for it? Do we want to dump more money into this?
  • Donor egg is not something I'm very comfortable with. I think my husband would want me to be since genes matter to him (he lost his father when he was young so the genetic connection is important to him). I can't get around the idea of his genes with someone else's... The only person I might want is his brother's wife but I don't think she would do that for us...
  • Do we have the energy for adoption????
  • Can we/should we live childless? What would be the implications of missing out on the experience of raising children and experiencing having family when we're older and possibly even grandchildren?? Would there be less stress on our marriage/would we be happier without children? What if I'm "all alone" when we're much older? How would that feel?
Too many questions... time to go back to the therapist!!! :)

Thursday, February 13, 2014

22 eggs for Attempt #6!

We had such a great retrieval yesterday - technically retrieval #5 and attempt #6, though we've only done 4 retrievals and 3 IVFs, so I'm not even sure what to keep calling our attempts...

But the good news is good news. Of our 22 eggs, 17 were mature and 15 fertilized (via ICSI since we're doing PGD genetic testing on embryos now).

We'll know next Tues how many made it do Day 5 and then it will be approx 2 weeks for the PGD testing and in the meantime, I will wait for my period and start to prep for an FET.

We have one frozen embryo right now and hoping to get one more to transfer two.

So, I'm hopeful and that's nice going into Valentine's Day...