My Infertility Woes

I'm Already Bleeding :(

2012-01-30T20:23:00.000-05:00

Supposed to test on Thurs and just as soon as I made my bloodwork appt, I went to the bathroom and saw blood! What?!? I called back right away and the nurse wasn't really helpful.

"We don't like to see that, but it might not mean anything... still come in Thurs and keep taking your meds. We'll keep our fingers crossed."

I was so upset. I cried and cried. It was too good to think that it might just work on the first one.

But it's ok... I knew I just needed to be upset. We went into this with the longer-term view and it'll be ok.

I had dinner with a good friend who is in town visiting. I almost cancelled on her, but I thought, no, this will be good.

And, of course, as soon as I see her, I started tearing-up and told her what was going on, and just as good friends do, she listened, was empathetic and I started feeling better.

Thank goodness for old/good friends. Thank goodness for perspective. And thank goodness for my peace right now.

It's disappointing. I know it could still not be anything, but I'm also realistic, and I don't think this is good news. Having our family, however that happens, is just going to take longer. And I knew that.

(I also went out and got popcorn (Pir.ate's Bo.oty!), ice cream, chocolate and cookies!)

The IVF Road

2012-01-19T06:48:00.000-05:00

We've started IVF! In fact, transfer is tomorrow.

It's been both less scary than I thought... and then there were some parts I didn't anticipate.

Meds: Getting the big box of medications was an adventure. It IS overwhelming, and I kinda freaked out when I saw it all. Plus, I hate - yes, hate - needles, so looking at that wasn't good for me. And, I mistakenly threw out the trigger shot (I thought it was just an ice pack!). Fortunately, the pharmacy took pity on me and sent me another free of charge. Phew!

Shots: Since I hate needles, what was my trick? Luckily, my husband saved the day, and all injection days, by learning all there is to know about giving me shots and I didn't have to learn any of it. I just iced myself numb and watched a fun video (from our trip to Vietnam and more specifically of Halong Bay, my dream place!) while he poked me everday, some twice a day.

Monitoring: Yes, and all those monitoring appointments! I was determined to lead a normal life throughout this and even biked to my doc's appts!! I want to try to be the IVF patient who does not gain weight! So, yes, I biked... Proud of me? You should be! (It's really only 1.5 miles each way... but the way back is up a hill, and it's been pretty cold, so I deserve kudos for that extra effort!). :)

Retrieval: Then comes retrieval time. I got a bit freaked about that, especially since I didn't realize the 'antibiotic' they give you the day before makes you get severe diarrhea... well, at least it did for me, so that wasn't fun. But, they got 8 eggs! Very exciting. (Even though I overheard a woman next to me get 30!! -- They told me 8 of my quality ones were good).

I was pretty sore after retrieval and tired in general. Not sure if it's from the procedure or from the drugs or both.

The report so far: 5 fertilized and all 5 are doing well.

Next step: transfer tomorrow (probably just 1; will confer with doc today/tomorrow morning), and then a 2 week wait!

I'm hopeful... :)

Thoughts on 2011/2012

2012-01-04T05:23:00.002-05:00

First, Happy 2012! I know I've been a bit MIA this year but I manage to keep coming back. For those of uswho have been on this journey together for a couple of years now, I know we mean a lot to each other and want to know what's happening, no matter what stage we're in.

The stage I want to get to? The peaceful one! :)

2011 was all about grieving and trying to move to a place of next steps... in a way that would be peaceful for me. I'm sick of the highs and lows of the chase and frankly, I don't think my mental and emotional state could take that anymore.

Fertility journey 2011 highlights:

Counseling via someone on the Resolve website; someone who personally and professionally understands infertility. She is someone who really gets it, having gone through failed IVF and moved onto adoption. I don't know what I would have done without therapy.
Moving past that my mother and mother-in-law just don't know how to be there emotionally for me. This has by far been THE HARDEST part of my journey. I always thought I could 'go to my mommy' in the really hard times but she misses the mark almost every time, and, as a result, I've had to shut her out. I don't think she means it (I really hope she doesn't) but she can't seem to get it. And I thought that my mother-in-law and I would be close... and that her being a pastor would really help, but it hasn't. I have felt like the time that I've most needed a mom, I haven't had one and that pain runs very deep. I'm still trying to work through it.
A mind/body/fertility workshop focused on meditation (I still can't really meditate!) that taught me to stabilize the highs and lows we go through with the infertility journey. I hope I can keep this mindset going through IVF treatments.
4th pregnancy in July (2nd naturally after fibroid removal in 2010) and then miscarriage at 5 weeks. Somehow this one was easier to 'get over' because of my such low expectations. Sad, I know...
Agreeing on a plan: start IVF in early 2012 IF we can go on a trip in Dec 2011

I haved LOVED international travel and get such a natural high off of it. The last trip we went on was 4 years ago, when we first started trying to conceive. When I knew I wasn't looking forward to IVF, I knew I needed something to get my spirits up again and help get me through the shots! Vietnam has been high on my list ever since I saw a picture in a magazine 10 years ago of Halong Bay. My dream came true:

IVF - Here we come! I have very mixed feelings about this. I'm skeptical and jaded at this point and I think too afraid to hope that this could work but I know how important biology is to my husband... and I know I'd welcome a positive outcome. :) PLUS, I've equally (if not more!) become excited with the thought of adoption and I know going through IVF might get us closer to that (hard to explain but particularly with my husband having lost his father when he was young, exploring our biology is something he really wants us to do before we consider adoption and I'm supportive of that)...

My main 2 take-aways are: 1) I feel more confident that however we get there (IVF, adoption, ?) we will likely have our family someday (and also trying to feel ok with that potentially never happening for us). I also know if it is to happen, that it can't necessarily have immediate results, being 4 years into this already so 2) I want to focus on feeling peaceful no matter how this happens for us and no matter how long this journey lasts for us.

I wish you all PEACE for 2012!

xoxo

Feeling Peaceful

2011-11-13T08:30:00.000-05:00

I had no idea it would be 2 months before I could write again. I've been trying to keep up with reading blogs but I knew my Sept & Oct would be crazy and didn't realize that it would seep into Nov too.

Here's an update on me and why I'm feeling so much more peaceful:

We booked a trip to Vietnam for the last 2 weeks of Dec!!!! I've been wanting to go to Vietnam ever since I went to Thailand about 6 years ago and heard how amazing it was in Vietnam.

I love adventurous travel and felt like we'd been putting it off to start our family.
Now that we're about to embark on IVF, I felt like I needed something to give me energy before I pour out energy into something else. So, I am VERY excited! Any travel advice?
I am excited to not be around families for this holiday. I know that sounds selfish and makes me feel like that movie The Fo.ur Chri.st.mases but our families have not been able to give me the energy that I really need and I have taken it upon myself to give myself what I need right now.

We have a plan - IVF first 1/2 of next year and if that doesn't work, move onto adoption.

My husband really wants us to give IVF a try. Biology is really important to him. On the other hand, I'm not hopeful it's going to work. We've been able to get pregnant, I'm just not convinced it will keep us pregnant. But I'm willing to give this a shot (ha, ha) but also want to look forward to our next steps.
It's important for me to have that next plan in place (especially since I'm not hopeful on IVF) so that the IVF will be as little of an emotional roller-coaster on me.
I feel good knowing that at some point next year, we'll be taking really active steps toward building our family.

Work craziness is almost over.

I took us through an office move on Oct 1 which was pretty grueling.
I've had to replace someone on my team during this time.
My new person starts tomorrow (super yay!).
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel after spending every free waking moment with either working or work on the brain.

Feeling at peace with it all.

I've been through a lot of therapy, I booked the trip to Vietnam, I attended a 4 week infertility-medidation workshop, I've stuck to Wei.ght. Wat.chers and I've made sure to make time for my beloved bik.ram yo.ga exercise.
I FINALLY feel really good about my life again. Our marriage is great. I'm doing well at work. I'm grateful for all the good things in my life and in general, not jealous of others (their children - we welcomed our niece into our world during this time). That's huge. I've been wanting to get to this point FOREVER and I'm finally here.
I really feel like I can say that I'm not in control of our family building fate. I'll try to do my part but I'm also open to possibilities, including being childless. It doesn't make me sad anymore. Life has so much to offer and I can give back in so many ways. This really is huge for me. I never thought I'd get here. And here I am. And it feels completely overwhelmingly amazing.

Thanks for your support!

2nd Opinion on IVF/Lots to Work Through

2011-09-17T14:13:00.000-04:00

I'm doing... maybe a little better?

Who knows anymore! It seems like every time I feel like I may be better, I take 2 steps back again. I guess that's just the way it is and am thankful that I continue to go to counseling!

The biggest thing is that I went to see another specialist for a 2nd opinion on whether IVF is really our next step or do we have other options. The facts are:

I've been able to get pregnant 4 times now (2 prior to fibroid surgery with IUI, 2 after naturally)
I can't stay pregnant past 5 1/2 weeks
One of my tubes may be blocked now as recently as a year ago

So, with all of this, 2nd opinion doc says that yes, he'd recommend IVF again. He said (like the other did) that we could do IVF but that won't really give us more data on why I'm having trouble staying pregant.

I have a lot to think through because I've been reluctant to do IVF. If they could tell me that doing IVF would help me stay pregnant, I think I'd do it, but they're just saying they can control a lot more and see a lot more and therefore figure out what the real problem is if there is still a problem.

Such heaviness.

In the meantime, I'm struggling with my own feelings of feeling like I don't have a choice in the matter. My husband has stressed to me that I do have a choice but his strong feelings about a biological link due to his father passing away during his childhood makes me feel like I'd be a horrible person if I didn't at least try to do this for him.

See what I mean? Heaviness.

So, that's where I am right now - with a whole lot of counseling to help sift this all through.

On Taming the Jealousy & Feeling Alone

2011-08-23T13:43:00.000-04:00

I'm not proud of being jealous, but I am. I have a hard time (still) dealing with others' pregnancies and everything-baby related. Especially when there is little attention on me and my problems.

I'm hurting - not as badly as before but I'm still hurting. And I need consolation. I need attention. I need empathy.

Infertility and miscarriages, though, create an isolated reaction from others. It's hard for people to know what to do, so they do nothing. Which makes me feel alone and ignored. And I'm sick of telling people that I need support.

With our last miscarriage, my sister-in-law who is pregnant, told my brother-in-law who told my husband that if I wanted to talk, I should call her.

Ok....

In the meantime, I've had to hide her fb postings because I can't watch her weekly "belly watch" photos and nursery pics and new car for the baby.

My niece is coming early Oct and I'll need to figure out a way to deal with it.

It's fascinating to me, that as long as people acknowledge my pain, I can be happy for whatever is happy with them - mostly dealing with baby stuff. But when no one acknowledges my pain, I don't feel like putting energy into their happiness.

You always think that people are going to be there for you when you go through a hard time. Well, it's been an interesting experience that people seem to disappear when you most need them. Or ignore you and only deal with all the happy stuff.

In other news, I have a consultation with another RE after Labor Day and this Friday we're heading to the beach for 10 days of relaxation!

I'm sorry I haven't been as active as a blogger and commenter as before but I'm still out here, trying to figure out how to not feel alone from people who claim to care and how to not be jealous. Hopefully vacation and a new doc may help!

Miscarriage #4

2011-08-02T10:02:00.000-04:00

I guess it's 'technically' not a miscarriage but the end to a chemical pregnancy. I just can't seem to make it past week 5 1/2...

It's been an interesting experience this go-around. I was elated in week 3 to be feeling symptoms - my sense of smell was crazy, sore boobs, tired... I was actually happy again. I couldn't believe it. With all my recent depression, to be happy again was such a foreign feeling that I just basked in it.

And then within 5 days, not feeling it anymore, so I knew something wasn't right. But still my period wasn't coming. I tested at home and negative result. Two days go by and I test again and just a faint second line showed up, so I knew something really wasn't right... but I also knew that I was kinda pregnant and that felt good.

I went to my RE and got confirmation that I was pregnant, but with a 75 beta result, so not great. Two days later, I start spotting and got my beta back that was down to 20, so no 'real' pregnancy.

But, I'll tell you this - I was happy to be pregnant and happy that it happened again so quickly after really trying. You see, I had fibroid surgery last summer. We tried in the fall and got pregnant on the 2nd try and then lost it at 5 1/2 weeks. All winter and spring, I couldn't try again - I just didn't want the hopefulness and disappointment. But this summer, I said, let's give this another shot and it happened again, on the 2nd try.

So now I need to figure out why I keep miscarrying at 5 1/2 weeks. Or rather, why I can't keep a pregnancy. The two we had prior to my surgery were via IUI and I really want to be determined to not have to do IVF... but I think we may be on that road because I realized I really do want this, at least I want to try for us to have kids.

It feels good to have a plan. AND most importantly, I'm not feeling as depressed as I was this past winter/spring/summer. I filled a prescription for anti-depressants but haven't started taking them. In fact, as soon as I filled it, I didn't think I needed them anymore. Maybe just having them there as my secruity blanket was enough. I hope. It's been a rough ride and I don't want to go back into that hole.

I've got a plan and I've got my mental health back (for now)... and that feels good for now.

Stuck

2011-07-18T12:45:00.000-04:00

I was going to title this: All Over the Place including Spain & Savannah but what I really feel is stuck.

I feel stuck in this state of continuous sadness.

We had an AMAZING time in Spain and then I came back and had a GREAT time with friends in Savannah. And yet. And yet.

It all settles back into sadness.

What is my problem? I have so much to be grateful for. I really have EVERYTHING but a child. EVERYTHING but control over my fertility.

It's been worse recently because I'm not able to exercise the way I normally do. Something's happened to my knee. Can't run and don't walk far. Don't bike to work anymore. And haven't done yoga. I've swam a bit. I'll figure that out but I know it's contributing to my extra sadness.

I'm hoping that by doing acupuncture for my knee and for fertility, it will help my mental state. If it doesn't by a month from now, I'm going to look into anti-depressants.

And I think I need to commit to IVF. It scares me. It scares me a lot. I don't know that I could go through a 4th miscarriage after having gone through ALL OF THAT. But I also know I can't stay in this state of sadness with less than a 5% chance of getting pregnant & staying pregnant on our own.

I just want to ME again!!!

Depression

2011-06-22T13:42:00.000-04:00

I think I'm really bordering on depression. No matter what I seem to do, I feel lulled into sadness. And I'm seeing a lot of the signs: takes a lot of effort to make plans, haven't been going to church, don't enjoy socializing as much.

I'm wondering if I need anti-depressants. But how to reconcile that with actively trying to get pregnant? I talked to my fertility doctor about it and he actually said that it's better to treat depression even while pregnant than not. It still seems scary to me.

And... am I really at that point? Though I've kept asking myself that for months and months now.

Telling signs this past week: went to a baseball game with my husband and as soon as we got there I couldn't wait to leave because it felt like such an energy drain for me and we're going to Spain on Friday (Spain!!) and I'm not excited.

Or am I not giving myself enough of a break with my signs above: it was hot at the baseball game and I needed rest, so no wonder I didn't want to be there, and with Spain, we're mostly going to be with my husband's friends so is that a normal-ish reason to not be excited?

I just know that I'm not me. And haven't been for a long time. All due to infertility.

But then yesterday, I saw two old friends - one for lunch and one for dinner and really enjoyed seeing them (even though I talked about my recent emotional struggles with infertility... or maybe it was because I was able to talk about it).

But, bottom line is, will a pregnancy make me not depressed anymore? I think so... but who knows. If it's taken me this long to get this down, would being pregnant really make me feel better? Or have I been so anxious that I would just continue to be anxious during pregnancy?

And... the magic question is: even if wedid IVF this summer, there's no telling that it will work or how long it would take.

So, do I go for the drugs??

Blocked Tube News & Vaca Coming Up

2011-06-18T08:05:00.000-04:00

Wow, I haven't written in awhile. I'm not quite sure why.

Work has definitely had an uptick in hecticness! But I'm also wondering if I have as much a need for this blog. It may also be because I'm in limbo right now...

BUT the big news from last week was that as part of pre-IVF testing that I'm doing (in case we move to that as a next step), we found one of my tubes is blocked. This was news to me - I had an HSG done 2 years ago and I was all clear. I'm having a follow up consult with my doc this coming week to discuss.

I was actually really upset, crying on the table when they were showing me that it was blocked. What a blow! But I had also told myself going into all this testing to keep the long-term view on this. I didn't want to go back to getting knee-deep into every day details that would constantly alter my mood.

So, I allowed myself one afternoon of being upset and then I went back to big picture. A little easier said than done, but I think I did it (probably helps that work is so busy right now!).

I also decided to talk to my mom about it, knowing I was risking upsetting myself even more since she typically hasn't been able to support me the way that I need for her to. But - she came through and that made a TON of difference! So, maybe getting the emotional support means so much more to me than the physical challenges...

And I'm trying to keep my mind on our upcoming vacation - next Friday we leave for Spain!!! :)

Sadness Dissipating

2011-06-02T08:57:00.000-04:00

I think I'm getting over my last miscarriage from Thanksgiving. I can see a clearing ahead of me. And it is starting to feel less and less of a struggle to keep it together everyday.

I've been keeping a gratitude journal. It's been a week. At first I didn't think I'd have much to say in it but from the first day, I have been able to write down 5-6 things a day. I am trying to focus on the positive and relish in small pleasures each day. And I think it's working!

I also mentioned The Happi.ness Project book that I think is making a difference.

And I've been reading the book When Bad Thi.ngs Hap.pen to Go.od Peo.ple.

(And just for fun, I just finished two good fiction books back to back - one was Cutt.ing for St.one & the other was The He.lp- I highly recommend them!)

I'm also taking next steps ahead - scheduling another HSG, blood work, pap - all things 2 of my docs would want me to do before starting the IVF process. I think it feels good to be moving toward something.

I'm still hopeful we can conceive on our own (we were able to quickly after my fibroid surgery last fall) BUT I also don't want this to go on indefinitely, so I'm getting everything together to do IVF if we need it. I'm not sure what the IVF timeline is but I'm thinking maybe August. We'll see.

I'm just glad to finally not feel like I'm at rock bottom anymore. That I'm coming out of it, slowly but hopefully surely.

A Need to Move Forward & Weekend Trip

2011-05-27T09:37:00.000-04:00

I just went through a mini-two week wait of trying on our own. I knew slim chances of it working so it's no surprise my period is coming today but it's making me realize that I need A PLAN!

I need to move forward. And that needs to include my plan.

We had talked about trying on our own for the next few months while we wait to go on our trip to Spain (yay!) at the end of June, and in the meantime, take all the tests we need to take in order to be ready for next steps on IVF.

On IVF, I'm leaning toward trying this nat.ural cy.cle IVF even though my husband feels more comfortable with the doc we've been seeing and would rather us to the traditional route. So, we still need to figure that piece out. And I guess depending on our timing, we may look to do a cycle this summer. Yikes!

IVF really scares me. I know many, many have done it and I shouldn't be whiny about it but it all just scares me. BUT staying stagnant on this whole thing also isn't good for us.

And, I think as much as I've been contemplating being childless, I'm not sure I'm ready to plunge into that just yet. Having my nephew in church with us on Easter really re-ignited my desire to keep trying.

So, that's my plan. And I need to start working on it!

And this weekend: a fun trip to FL to visit my cousin - girl time! Yay!

5 Steps Back

2011-05-19T17:08:00.000-04:00

I put up a good front sometimes on trying to be happy... my last post was all about The Happi.ness Pro.ject and how I'm going to do things for me that make me happy.

And then, I talk to my mom. And it all goes downhill.

Why can my family not figure out a way to best support me? Why does she continually bring me down rather than lift me up?

I feel like every effort of me trying each day takes 5 steps back when I talk with her. And yet, every time that happens, I resolve myself to distancing myself one more pace away from her.

What a way to live! If she only knew, she'd be crushed. I'm just so disappointed in the way our relationship is turning out right now, at the time when I would need her most.

Just there saying "would need her most" is a HUGE acceptance on my part. Normally, I would have said "when I need her most". But I KNOW that she just can't be there for me with this the way I would have wanted her to be. And that's been a HUGE loss on top of our already infertility-related loss.

How do you learn to expect so little out of people? How is life worth it when that's all you demand out of it?

My mom is such a downer. She doesn't mean to be, but she is. Just so full of negativity. Ugh. I have to just walk away and shake it off. It's almost too bad that she's family because I would have long stopped being her friend by now.

But what do you do when it's family? It takes so much energy and effort to do any one thing when I feel this low sometimes and it's all I can do to focus on positivity each and every hour of the day. Sure, when it's family, you can minimize it, but you can't make it go away altogether. I have to shield myself from it but then it just feels like I'm going through the motions with someone who I'd rather not be spending time with. even on a phone call.

So, I'll end this post with some positivity (some of which is repeat from yesterday):

I signed up for a summer pottery class - something I've been wanting to do for 10 years! There's a studio in my neighborhood and I'm finally doing it. Yay!
I bought a 3 month bik.ram yoga pass for the summer too! Yay for exercise and taking care of my body!
I scheduled a massage for tomorrow. I needed to treat myself after that weekend with my in-laws and am finally getting around to doing it and so looking forward to it!
I may be spontaneous and see a play this weekend, by myself while my husband is occupied. Yay to enjoying alone time and taking advantage of what my city has to offer!

But, seriously, if you have any advice on how to best deal with family that isn't offering the best support, please send it my way! :)

Over a Hurdle and Onto Happiness :)

2011-05-18T12:58:00.000-04:00

Last week I was just emotionally spent after having anxiety confronting my in-laws on a visit that entailed my BIL and SIL's baby shower as well as Mother's Day.

By the end of last week, I think I was finally able to sigh with relief and feel like a HUGE weight had been taken off of me.

So, now what?

I really want to take a long-term view on what's next. If I look back at the last 3 1/2 years, I just see how my happiness was either severly diminished or completely extinguished during that period of time. I refuse to allow that to continue to happen. At least I want to work really hard on refusing that to happen. This could take another 3+ years, we don't know.

Which leads me to being ready to start trying again. I say this with a lot of trepidation. I DO NOT want to be all consumed with a 2 week wait every month so I'm trying to take this in stride.

I know I had been talking a lot about living without children but having our 3 year old nephew with us in church on Easter stirred something in me that I had buried.

So, we'll see where this leads us. I'm not going to make plans around anything anymore. We have a trip to Spain planned at the end of June, I just signed up for a pottery class for the summer and also bought a bik.ram yoga summer pass as well. I will not let life be put on hold anymore but my heart is also open for what may be next.

In the meantime, I just finished The Happi.ness Pro.ject and just loved it! I thought it may be too trite and stuff I would already know but it's inspired me to 1) make small changes to make my life better (going to bed earlier, exercise more, etc) and 2) to be an active participant in life and do things (sign up for a class, stretch yourself, make new friends, etc).

I highly recommend this book! All I've wanted is to feel happiness again and this is a great guide and positive reinforcer for me.

Emotionally Drained

2011-05-10T10:38:00.000-04:00

For better or worse, I went to see my in-laws this weekend. I think that I'm glad I went but honestly, I don't know. It was emotionally draining, that's for sure.

Friday:
We arrived Friday, full of anxiety for me. My in-laws did well by addressing my needs immediately. As soon as we sat down, they said they wanted to talk about me and how I've been doing. I really appreciated that and we spent some time talking about how difficult it's all been for me especially recently.

I told them how my counselor has had me focus on our 3 miscarriage losses and how that grief has been hard. I told them how isolating infertility can be. I told them how I've had a hard time not being acknowledged. I shared with them that it can be hard for me to feel others' joys particularly when my pain isn't also being recognized.

I may have been more forceful than I needed to be, but I got most of it out. They explained how they have been praying for me but just haven't been sure what else to do. They also said how much they love me and support me. They gave me hugs and then prayed for me, which really helped. Their prayer included giving me strength for the weekend.

We then went to my sister-in-law's graduation from grad school. Surprisingly, her mother was extremely sensitive to me. I think K had talked with her mom about our struggles and my difficulties with my MIL, so this woman seemed to empathize with me and I so much appreciated that.

Saturday:
Baby Shower Day for SIL and BIL. I was actually pretty fine that day and was looking forward to sharing the joy of that day. I made sure to make myself busy and took my SIL's camera to take pictures all day including during present opening. That helped a lot.

The only hard part was feeling like once again, my pain wasn't really acknowledged. My father-in-law prayed before lunch and said "this day couldn't be any more perfect" and I thought 'yes, it can...'

I just think that B's family just tends to 'see the bright side of things' and doesn't realize that by 'ignoring' the not so bright side, it can make things worse for some...

Sunday:
The dreaded M's Day. I did not do well this day. This was a day I wanted to ignore altogether but knew that I couldn't with my in-laws... I had decided that I would skip church to go for a run but saw my in-laws before and managed to say "Happy Mother's Day" to my MIL and she, not thinking, replied back "you too, I mean, Happy Mother's Day to your mother..." It was very awkward and made me even more sad.

About 1/2 mile into my run, I broke down crying. I made myself keep running though which was good.

When I got back, I had a voicemail from my brother saying he was thinking of me today because he knew today would be hard. Wow. That meant so much.

But that made me break down again.

When I went to join B with everyone for lunch, I couldn't stop crying so he recommended that maybe I didn't go... which was good advice. I couldn't handle Mother's Day. I just really couldn't. And I didn't want to go. I just couldn't be social.

I went into a cute nearby town instead and the first shop I went into, the owner says "what brings you browsing today?" and I couldn't think of anything better to say other than the truth "honestly, I'm trying to ignore Mother's Day". Ha.

I had to join B's family after lunch before we actually left and that was hard because I just couldn't chit-chat and we had to sit there for 20-30 mins talking before we left. At least my MIL understood that the day was hard for me and said it was probably a good idea that I didn't go to church. She also said that she had hoped that the weekend hadn't been too bad for me.

So, take-aways from the trip:

I'm glad we had our chance on Friday to let me share how I've really been feeling. B says he probably did his family a disservice by not really talking about it with them.
I was pleasantly surprised by my sister-in-law's mother and her sensitivity.
I'm glad my sister-in-law and I had a good conversation before I came and appreciate her.
I wonder if I'll ever have a meaningful conversation with my BIL; he's just so private.
I'm still not sure I'd do it all over again. It was extremely emotionally draining and I think in the future, if I'm really not feeling like I can be around others, especially family, I may need to just bow out of events. I've considered that for Thanksgivings and Christmases, etc. but thinking that I need to just be there and show up, but you know, I don't think I do.
I really wish my family (his and mine) were somehow better able to support me. Maybe it's taking this long to finally be able to. Having my brother call on Sunday and my mom understand that I couldn't all her on Sunday really helped. And who knows, maybe this weekend will help with B's family's understanding...

The Email I Want to Send to My In-Laws

2011-05-04T11:02:00.000-04:00

Here's the email I want to send to my in-laws regarding our upcoming weekend plans which includes my SIL's graduation from a Master's program, their baby shower and, of course, Mother's Day!

My FIL sent an email earlier this week on how joyful everything will be this weekend and it honestly made me a bit sick. Here they go again not acknowledging that we are also in the midst of pain. That while one side of the family is experiencing joy, the other is sad right now and we can't ignore it - and everyone should be sharing in all these feelings.

My husband really would rather I speak to them about all of this rather than send an email and suggested instead that I have a ready blog post! So, I'm sharing this here instead and hoping this leads to some good talking points for me this weekend:

Hello everyone,

B and I are looking forward to our visit and I appreciate all the thought that has gone into how to best support me/us during some of the weekend's festivities. I wanted to take a moment to try to express some things that we may hopefully get a chance to talk about but just in case we don't, you have an idea on where I'm coming from.

I know it can be really hard to understand what we're going through and I'm always open to talking about it and how to best support us, but just like any other experience in life, if we haven't been through it, it's hard to know what it's like. The easiest way to describe it is that pain is pain. We've all (unfortunately) had painful moments in our lives, so that is something we can all relate to, and probably easiest.

And while there's been a lot of sadness, it's not all doom and gloom in our household... B and I have felt closer than ever before and are so thankful for our strong marriage bond, we've been able to enjoy our nephews (and will enjoy another one in our midst as well!), I've had an amazing trip to India, we're both enjoying our jobs, etc, etc.

I think what helps the most is feeling like our pain is acknowledged. We talked about this at Thanksgiving and I wanted to revisit this. I've read recently that it's human nature to want to be heard. A parenting trick seems to often be to repeat what the child is saying so that they feel you are hearing them. As silly as it sounds, the same goes for me. It truly helps when people empathize and say 'that must be hard' or 'I'm sorry you're going through that'. By acknowledging my hurt, I feel heard and loved, and then feel I can go onto being able to more actively participate in 'normal' life activities. When I can't talk about my pain, when I'm not asked or when it's not acknowledged is when I start to feel like there's something wrong with me.

B may have shared with you this link for family and friend support from the Nat'l Infer.tility Association. It's extremely helpful in explaining a lot of what we go through and feel. It talks about family dynamics as well, particularly if another sibling is experiencing a pregnancy.

I am also sharing with you part of our pastor's weekly church email below where her words make me feel completely acknowledged and supported.

So in the midst of many, many joys this weekend including simply being together as a family, I hope there will be time to also acknowledge that there is pain going on in our midst as well. I love you all and can't wait to give you hugs. And all the best to K to wrap up her projects this week! I do know what that's like :)

love,
me

Our Pastor's email:

We have many prayer concerns in our congregation, and I invite you to please join me in praying for the following people and needs:

K still in the hospital with hopes of going home tomorrow.
B will have surgery tomorrow morning at 8:30.
R is waiting for additional news regarding her recent cancer diagnosis.
M, B and ML are also facing health challenges.
You are also invited to keep the women in our church who are struggling with infertility in your prayers. Mother's Day can add additional pain to what is already a painful place of emptiness.
Finally, you are invited to please pray for the people of Alabama and others across the South who know too well the pain of violent storms. We'll be taking a special collection for the Uni.ted Meth.odist Com.mittee on Re.,ief, and you are invited to give. I'm also wondering if it is time that we respond with our bodies - that we go and help rebuild. Is this something you might be interested in doing? Please let me know.

So, maybe this is an email template you can use?

I still can't help but feel that we are in enough pain already. Family (and friends) often say they love us and want to be supportive. So, then why does it seem so hard for some of them to do???

If I was getting what I needed from them, then I think this whole experience would feel completely differently for me. It just adds to my sadness that they are not there for me in the ways in which I need them to be.

Maybe talking it through this weekend will help? I'm not hopeful but willing to trust my husband and give it a try...

Oh the Drama!

2011-05-02T12:52:00.000-04:00

My sister-in-law's baby shower is this weekend. I've been mulling it over for weeks and weeks including this post from several weeks ago entitled Preparing for SIL Baby Shower in May.

Well, it's finally here - this coming weekend. I was 99.9% sure I wouldn't go and called my sister-in-law to let her know. As we were talking, I felt her understanding and compassion, and suddenly I realized that I wanted to be there for her - it was just not knowing how to best deal with my mother-in-law who is the difficulty for me right now.

My SIL offered the suggestion that we stay somewhere else - the baby shower is supposed to be at my MIL's house so being at her house around the decorations might be too hard for me. Plus, I just need my physical and emotional space this time around.

So, I was all geared up with that plan and called my MIL to tell her and you know what she does? She cries that she's upset we wouldn't be staying with her. I really sometimes can't get over this. This is my pain we're dealing with so why can't she have a little more compassion?

I get the sense that because she's talked to other women who have miscarried that I should just be able to get over this. B tried explaining to her how painful this experience has been.

She's a pastor on top of it all. So, I just don't get how someone can be a pastor and claim to love a family member yet just not know how to be understanding or compassionate toward us.

I get the sense that all she's concerned with is being able to express her joy over this new baby.

My husband really thinks that he's explained the emotional aspects of what we're going through enough with her that we should be able to have a good weekend. I'm not convinced.

How is it that I can have an amazingly meaningful conversation with my SIL yet my MIL causes me so much angst on top of an already pained heart that I have?

Why is this so hard for her to understand? Why can't it be enough to say I'm in pain? Why can't she just have compassion for us?

I'm out on Face.book

2011-04-25T10:21:00.000-04:00

In honor of Nation.al In.fertility Aware.ness Week, I came 'out' on face.book about my our in.fertility.

I'd been mulling it over and over the last few weeks wondering whether I wanted to be that public about it. I realized that I'm ready to be more public about it. We've sat with it for 3+ years now and I'm much more comfortable with it. I realized that I can raise awareness for others who either may just be in the beginning stages of their infertiliy journey and that I can potentially make someone who is going through this feel less alone.

I also know that most of our close friends and family knows about our struggles and those who don't have probably wondered so it didn't seem like such a secret. :)

Here's what I wrote:

it's National Infertility Awareness Week... Did you know that 1 in 8 men & women are diagnosed as infertile? This week I'll post more on this topic in the hopes of shedding a bit more light on this not-often-talked about topic & difficult journey that Bill and I have been on. Here's a great resource for friends & family: http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/

We'll see how it goes this week! I'm proud of what I've done though!

To Go or Not To Go... to the Baby Shower?

2011-04-22T11:09:00.000-04:00

I'm still feeling very conflicted over going to my brother- and sister-in-law's baby shower in 2 weeks...

It was originally just supposed to be her graduation celebration from grad school and now my husband and my mother-in-law want to do a small, family baby shower for them also. It will be at my mother-in-law's place, where we are staying.

It's also on Mother's Day weekend and B and I agreed to leave Sun morning and go to a B&B and then do something fun on Monday.

Here is why I'd want to go:

To celebrate my sister-in-law
To be part of the family
To not be selfish
To be there for my husband

Here is what I would need from them if I go:

Not ignore the fact that I'm grieving and that sometimes baby-related things make me sad
Pray for me before and after the event so that they are actively partaking in my grief - I am part of the family after all and if I'm to participate in their joy, they need to participate in my sadness
Talk about other things than just the pregnancy

Here are my conflicts:

They say they care but haven't shown they can properly support me
I think I'll likely feel sad and don't need to feel that way if I can help it

Here's why it may be better if I don't go:

They are able to enjoy the event with pure joy without having to think about me & my sadness and grief
I save myself from likely feeling sad & ignored

I thought writing this out would make it clearer. When I was discussing it with a friend this week she asked me "why do you want to go?" because it really didn't seem clear.

It seems to all point to not going but there's something inside me that's uncomfortable with that decision too that I can't put my finger on other than I want to be there for her in her moment of joy (even though I'm not sure I've really felt her be there for me in my sadness). I also don't think life needs to be quid pro quo and therefore I'd like to be there for her even though I haven't felt that be reciprocated.

I know many of you have offered helpful advice on just staying busy at the shower but I'm afraid that may not be enough. I think what I really want is to feel acknowledged for what I'm going through. And I don't think that's too much to ask for.

I guess it comes down to whether they're able to do that for me or not. And I'm not sure.

So... to go or not to go?

What I Learned From Counseling & Support Group This Week

2011-04-17T10:09:00.000-04:00

It was quite an emotionally-cleansing week for me - my bi-weekly counseling was this week and so was my monthly support group.

Here's what I learned:

I'm still grieving my last miscarriage
I'm grieving the immensity of having had 3 miscarriages in 1 year
I need to let my mother-in-law know that I'm actually grieving
I need to stop minimizing the fact that my prengancies didn't make it to week 6/a heartbeat
I understand that my dog dying a few weeks ago is another loss in this difficult recent loss journey and that it felt like 'piling on' to my already going through a grief cycle
I need to stop saying that life could be worse and grieve the bad stuff that has happened to me since this is my reality
The grief cycle takes approximately a year and I'm only 5 months from my last loss
I need to understand that this journey is a slice of my entire life and try to take it in a larger context
Despite that I think it feels better to be authentic and talk about how infertility is affecting me, it can be sometimes helpful to not talk about it and realize how much I have going on in my life that is not infertility-related
My true passion is adventurous, international travel and I can't keep putting this on hold

Here's what I'm going to do:

Allow myself to grieve, fully
Talk to my mother-in-law about my grief (I've never named it as such with her) so she can understand the immensity of it
Focus on a lot of the wonderful things going on in my life:

My amazing marriage/husband
My career that I love and a potential upcoming promotion
Our beautiful house
Our health
Springtime and what newness of exericse energy it brings

Be more spontaneous

Last weekend we went to a movie in another part of town and decided to stay at a nearby hotel that had a special going on - just being out of the house was fun (we had planned a night away at a hotel in our city a few years ago and really had fun!)

Plan some travel trips that really fuel my passion

I'm going to Chicago next week for work and will stay to see a good friend
I'm visiting my cousin in FL over Memorial Weekend
We booked tickets to northern Spain in June, a place we've been wanting to go to for awhile in conjunction with a wedding in southern Spain
We have 2 more wedding trips this summer
We have been talking about Vietnam over next winter which has been high on my list for years!

Comforting Pastor's Prayers

2011-04-12T13:59:00.000-04:00

I had that moment in church again this week where I felt myself shielding myself from feeling anything. I didn't really even feel like going but we haven't gone in a few weeks since our dog died, and we thought we should go particularly to be there for others going through hard times.

It started when we arrived late and we couldn't sit in our normal place. The only obvious spot was behind my friend's parents who had their grandson with them. The grandmother, who had watched her own daughter (my friend's sister) deal with infertility and then successful pregnancy, thought she knew what I was going through... Last fall, she approached me saying those empty words to me "don't worry, it'll happen, look what happened to my daughter. It has to happen for you too." I know she meant to be helpful but... you know. So, I had to sit behind her.

And then I've been having a hard time lately with the children's sermon. Just seeing all those kids up there. And our church is growing and focusing on little ones right now and I can't figure out how to best process that.

Then, we heard about how a couple in our church was in labor that morning. This is a couple who I had journeyed with because they too had faced infertility and miscarriage. But I've felt hurt as they've gone on to have a pregnancy and have seemed to have forgotten about me. Not once since their pregnancy have they asked how I am...

And then the reading and sermon was about Lazarus and how Jesus resurrected him from the dead... How Jesus can hear our prayers.

I'm just not feeling comforted by it all. I wish I could. I wish I could be one of those people who turns to God for comfort but I've just felt more distant during these hardships...

I left church early, which was too bad because the last song was one of my favorites but I knew I had reached a breaking point and couldn't sit through Great is Th.y Faith.fulness.

My pastor called me later on and offered to pray with me by phone. We talked a bit about how I was feeling and then even though I wasn't feeling it, I allowed her to pray for me, right there on the phone. And... it was amazing. I still don't really remember what she said but I almost immediately felt comforted. She's got such a gift.

And then today, while announcing the couple's new baby (amidst complications that I was very worried about, though the mother is doing fine now), our pastor added this - which I know reflects me:

As we celebrate the arrival of a new baby in our congregation, we also pray for the families in our congregation who long to become parents but have not yet been able to do so. May God hear all of our prayers.

Comforting, huh?

Is it All Worth It?

2011-04-10T10:23:00.000-04:00

I keep hearing my mother-in-law's voice in my head from a few weeks ago when she told me that all of this IS worth it. It's so worth it to have that baby, she said to me.

And, it just didn't resonate with me... anymore.

It's been a very painful 3 years. With 3 fertility treatments. With 3 miscarriages. And surgery. And even before the 3rd pregnancy and miscarriage, I began a downward spiral. A spiral so bad that I understood for the first time in my life why people would want to end their lives. Why the day in, day out misery has to end.

I never actually contemplated ending my life, but I understood it better. Better than I ever had. I finally understood how a friend of mine did it to his life years ago.

So, when I look back on the last 3 years, I see losing myself. I see putting my life on hold. I see extreme measures to get something I was having a hard time getting. I see darkness. I see misery. I see gloom.

And I think - that can't be what life is supposed to be like. It just can't be. As my friend, The Infertile Mind, reminds me - I used to be a happy person before all of this.

I just want peace. I want to be happy again. I want to be ME again. I want to find that passion in life again.

And I can only do that if I let go of this want so badly. And letting go of it for me hasn't meant "we'll just see what happens". It's meant "I don't know if I actually want this anymore".

So... no, I don't think it's worth it. Not when I can look ahead and see sunshine and color and my heart singing again. Having children is NOT worth that misery again. I just can't do it. I won't do it.

I've got plenty of people whodo exist that I can love. With my whole heart. I have children in my life that I can influence, that I can spend time with, and that I can support and care about. That may be enough for me. That may be more than enough for me.

I'm also not ready to say this is it, I'm done. Not yet. This journey has been a long one and I know I need to sit with this idea for awhile longer. But right now, right this second, I can say wholeheartedly that it's not worth it. There's more to life than this one thing. There's so much more.

Relating IF to TV and Movies

2011-04-05T10:51:00.000-04:00

In the last couple of weeks, I've seen 3 instances in tv and movies where IF/loss were addressed in ways that completely resonated with me:

Gre.y's Ana.tomy. Last week Meredith broke down admitting that she was jealous of Callie's baby shower.
Parent.hood. Julia and her husband have been trying to get pregnant for a few months and the show started out with her negative pregnancy test once again. The show ends with her describing uterine scarring which will likely prevent a pregnancy from happening.
Rab.bit Ho.le. This movie, starring Ni.cole Kid.man and Aa.ron Eck.hart, is about how they deal with the grief of losing their 4 year old. What got me was the relationship between the wife and her mother. It was so tenuous, with the mother clearly sometimes saying the wrong things (by mistake) and sometimes being helpful. At one point, the mother says 'sometimes I don't know your rules'.

While I don't love that infertility and loss continue to exist, it does make me feel better knowing it's at least getting 'out' there. And while it is still characters playing these roles, it makes me feel like I'm not crazy to have similar thoughts and reactions.

I also like that making these issues more prevalent may help others understand what it's like to go through infertility and loss.

I'm glad to see tv and movies helping us to feel less alone.
And that completely resonated with me.

Back to Counseling

2011-04-02T15:08:00.001-04:00

I've gone back to counseling. I can't seem to figure out how to best deal with disappointments I have with my family members AND I want to further explore what could be our next step.

Disappointment of Family Members:

MIL: I'm terribly upset with my mother-in-law and how insensitive she can be toward me. From going on and on about ultrasound pictures of my sister-in-law to me to not acknowledging my pain and hurt over our dog dying, she just doesn't get how to empathize and be sensitive. The way she is with me when I'm going through something painful makes me feel ignored.
My mom: She just sometimes doesn't have a filter. So, while most of the time we can have a fine conversation, I never know what she'll say related to fertility and it can catch me off guard. She also just doesn't know how to listen and really be there for me, which has left me feeling like I just don't have a mom when I need one the most.
The rest of my family (dad, brother, sister-in-law and father-in-law, brother-in-law and sister-in-law): They are just utterly SILENT. They don't really ask about how I am and acknowledge how painful this must be.

All of this makes me feel alone (though thank goodness for my husband, best friend, close friend and pastor!). It also makes me question what family really means. People always say that family is there when you really need them, but I haven't felt that to be so in my case.

Next Steps:

I've been thinking a lot about being childfree and really feel being pulled in this direction. To me, trying to conceive and build our family has been nearly nothing but a painful road for us. It seems natural that after 3 years, fertility treatments, 3 miscarriages and surgery I'd say 'no way' to that anymore.

When I look back at trying to build our family, it's a dark and sad time in my life. When I look toward the future without any of that, I can see rays of sunshine.

I've had to accept and embrace the things are are in my life and stop focusing on what isn't. In doing that, I've been able to really feel happy about my life and take advantage of what life without children brings to me.

BUT I also know that not being a mother is something I never envisioned for myself. And I know that my husband still wants us to keep trying, so my immediate next step is counseling. I want to try and see if I can sort out this pain enough to potentially feel like wanting children again or if my husband and I have further discussions ahead on trying to deal now with different wants.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes!

Mourning the Loss of Our Precious Dog

2011-03-30T15:12:00.000-04:00

His name was Profit. Though we had a million names for him. One of my favorites is Precious P.

He was a Chesapeake Bay Retriever. He lived 14 years and 4 months. He had a really, really good and active life - was totally a fetching and swimming dog. Old age just got the better of him.

It was so hard when he leg finally gave out on him last Friday night and we knew we'd have to take him into the vet to put him down.

Saturday morning was bittersweet. We got to spend some great quality time with him, petting him lots and giving him tons of love. I'd never been through something like this before so being with him as he passed was such a privilege but also just so, so hard.

And yet, the grief I felt was just too familiar. Grieving 3 miscarriages in a year on top of infertility for 3 years... and then to lose our dog. It feels like too much.

He really was our baby - we always called him that.

And it just feels so empty and quiet now without him.

We love you Preciousness!

Reflecting on Turning 36 & Children's Educations

2011-03-22T09:58:00.000-04:00

Happy birthay to me! :)

When does middle age start? I kinda feel like now-ish. 35 seems to feel like an end to something. And I keep asking myself - how is it that I'm 36?

I guess I'll be of the mindset that age is only a number. It's how you feel. And what you do with your life that can make you feel any age.

And yet I'm reminded by someone's recent post who watched her neighbor grow up into a young woman who is now married and pregnant - and this someone posting said she was old enough to be this person's mother. And I thought I'm old enough to be an 18 year old's mother! Yikes.

Yikes for me, but not for a lot. Some of us looking into adoption are potentially looking at babies of mothers around that age.

I was with my brother and sister-in-law this weekend, away from my parents, so I got to see another side of them, perhaps the truer side of them. Her 7 year old is in a read-a-thon at school which involves him reading at least 15 minutes a day. I was very interested in this as I love books and for almost every occasion I get my nephews books, knowing full well that I may be one of the main people exposing them to books in their lives (my dad may be the other).

She explained the program to me and said sometimes I just let him think that it's been 15 minutes because I can't take spending that much time reading with him.

Yes, that's right - she can't spend 15 minutes reading with him. How is that possible??? I said bring him over anytime, I'll spend 2 hours reading with him!

It made me so upset that I talked about it for the rest of the weekend, with my husband, with my friends. It was so incredulous to me. Maybe I'm not being fair. Maybe I don't know what it's really like to read books over and over and over again...

And then she talked about how her mother used to get on her about how much she drank and whether she was able to take care of her kid (at the time). And she boasted that she feels she can drink and take care of her children. Like that was a big feat.

Yet, I'm reminded that my brother's wife had her first child at 19 and then the next one by accident as well 4 years later. These were both unplanned children. And that's not to say that they aren't good parents or can't put in the effort now.

But I couldn't help but feel like these kids are somehow potentially doomed. Or will most likely have a pre-determined route based on what they're exposed to, or rather not exposed to. And I mentioned to B that maybe we shouldn't put as much in their 529 colleage savings plans... I can't help but feel like how can they say school's important but then get annoyed at reading with their kids? Or maybe education isn't the only thing that predicts making it...

My husband just said that this is all the more reason we need to keep up their 529s, to give them incentive and encourage their educations.

I will do whatever I can to expose them to books, reading, education. In fact, I walked into a bookstore that's closing yesterday and bought several books for them... for Christmas already!

And, I plan to spend part of my birthay reading. :)

Preparing for SIL Baby Shower in May

2011-03-21T09:09:00.000-04:00

How do I muster up the... the what? courage? emotional stamina? for my sister-in-law's baby shower in May? This is for B's side of the family...

I've got some time to prepare but I'm sure that if I don't do the work now, that date will soon be upon me and I will be unprepared.

I could always not go, but I'd rather try to prepare and think I can deal with it.

It's going to be a big ordeal and I'm actually surprised that it will be a big ordeal. And I don't know if I can handle a big ordeal.

It's mostly my mother-in-law, though. I think she's the one I have to prepare for the most. She will likely say 20 things that will bother me and I need to figure out if I can let it just roll off or what.

In thinking this through, wespent Saturday with my side of the family and micraculously without any references to pregnancy. In fact, after awhile, I was the one who asked my (other) sister-in-law about her best friend who just had a baby and her sister-in-law who is expecting in April. It actually felt good to be able to talk about it all and feel normal about it.

I really do just want to be normal. But I also know that what we're faced with isn't normal, so trying to create normalcy is challenging.

And in the meantime, I have to contend with our church's focus right now on our toddlers and babies, and it can sometimes get to me. Not as much as it used to but still... The good news is, I spent time with my nephews and my best friend's kid this weekend and loved every second of it!

Seven weeks till this big baby shower. I can do it! :)

Happy For Them, But...

2011-03-14T09:02:00.001-04:00

I feel like nobody in my real life really understands how I'm feeling right now. And I don't know what I would do without this community and without my monthly support group. Thank you for your supportive comments this past week.

And I feel like I'm being whiny about this and really want that to stop.

But: my brother- and sister-in-law posted their ultrasound pictures to fb yesterday. And while I'm happy for them, this really caused a stir in me. And I don't like that it did.

Why can't I just be plain and simple happy for them? Why does seeing their ultrasound pictures have to create mixed emotions for me?

And now I'm wondering if this really does mean that I want to start trying again. So much in me is saying no way. I'm not ready and don't know if I ever will be again.

This time last year, I was still grieving our first miscarriage (I keep calling them miscarriages but I know they were only biochemical pregnancies since I never make it to week 6, so not sure what it is but it still feels like a loss). It took me a long while to get over that. And it wasn't until April when my best friend told me she was newly pregnant with #2 and after I cried and cried over our sadness still, that same weekend I decided I was ready again.

So, I'm wondering if that's happening now. I don't think so but I don't understand why this is making me so upset when I'm generally happy with our lives and with our decision right now, and I am happy for them...

Needing a Mom

2011-03-11T14:13:00.000-05:00

So, my mother-in-law calls me, leaves me a message saying - your birthday is coming up, we're thinking of you... I'm thinking oh, this must be her way of reaching out to me over the awkwardness of them announcing they are going to be grandparents to my brother-in-law's pregnancy.

Our conversation starts out slow - what are you doing this weekend, it's snowing where we are, etc. And then I realize our conversation is potentially going to end and there's the big proverbial elephant... on the phone.

So, I bring it up and say "I know it's been awkward with R & K announcing their news of their pregnancy and I want you to know we are thrilled and excited about it... and at the same time, it can't help but raise sadness with us for what we've gone through."

And she says something like "oh, we understand and appreciate you saying that. We are excited. You know, I've been carrying around the ultrasound pictures with me everywhere I go... and B was sharing with me that you were considering IVF; wouldn't it be great if you and K could be pregnant at the same time?"

Wait - what????

I am NOT considering IVF. We might have been but definitely not anytime soon.

So, no. K and I will not be pregnant at the same time.

In fact, I went on to tell her that I'm really protective of my peaceful state because I'd been depressed for so long having to go through infertility and 3 miscarriages and I just want to focus on the joys that are present in my life right now, rather than continuing to focus on what is not there, and that it doesn't seem worth it to me to risk more depression to get there.

And she continues by telling me that yes, it is worth it. That having a baby is incredibly worth it and for me not to lose hope.

Blood is boiling at this point in the conversation and I just reiterated that I'm really happy right now and maybe we'll re-evaluate after some time, but I just can't be depressed like that again.

Our phone call was terrible. I'm sure she felt awkward and I was just infuriated.

And I fully recognize that grandparents have their own dreams wrapped up in our family-building plans and that I may have been bursting this (crazy) dream she's had of 2 grandkids at the same time. But this has to be about us, not them. They don't get to make this about them after all we've been through.

The most disappointing thing I've had to realize is that both my mother and my mother-in-law just can't be there for me in the ways I wish moms were able to be. And I've had to learn the hard way by trying, and trying, and re-trying. But it just doesn't work with them. This was my last attempt with her.

And it's just disappointing. More than anything right now, I need a mom. I need a mom to be there for me, to listen to me, to love me and support me. But neither of them can do that for me, so I feel like I just don't have a mom right now. And that's made me sad. And makes this heartache of infertility all the more difficult.

Dear Anonymous Poster:

2011-03-09T10:04:00.000-05:00

You are awesome. You made my day. I wish I could find you to learn more about you and thank you for your comments to me.

When I posted Sadness Triggered, you wrote me a long comment about your struggles and how you can completely relate. You talked about how, despite all you've seen in your military life, infertility has affected you like nothing else has.

Gosh, my heart went out to you and your wife. You gave me that virtual hug I really needed.

I have no idea how you found me... and how I can find you but I want you to know that your comment made a difference and I thank you.

Mixed Emotions

2011-03-09T09:57:00.000-05:00

I'm still trying to process the news of my brother- and sister-in law's pregnancy that we learned about on Sunday and the way in which they told us.

I think I'm partially mad at myself for getting upset. I'm disappointed that I can't handle it better and just be plain happy for them without getting my emotions tied into it.

Mostly I felt sad and alone because the only 2 people I talked to about it (my husband and best friend) basically told me to "look on the positive side" about it... which I already know and just have a hard time with. I felt like I wasn't being fully heard which can feel isolating and can make me feel like I'm wrong to feel the way I feel and therefore I think to myself I must be crazy for not being able to be normal about this.

My sister-in-law and I had a nice email exchange about it on Monday. I appreciated her saying that she knew their announcement would come with mixed emotions for us and they weren't sure, and still aren't sure, of how to best handle talking about it with us and want to respect our space on it. That made me feel a hundred times better. Awwwww.

My mother-in-law I still don't understand. And I think she hurt me enough to where I don't know if we'll ever get to a point of feeling close, and this certainly put more distance between us. I know she means well, and I should give her credit for that, but the outcome is just hardly ever what is helpful.

I'm glad she could ~~talk~~ gush to B about her excitement. And I'm glad he's unphased. But, I'm not and I can't take it. And I think that's ok. I know their pregnancy is not about me. But I also know the pain I've been in because of infertility and I don't think it's too much to ask to not gush infront of me.

And I also don't understand why she can't reach out to ME about this. She calls him to talk about it. She did it after our miscarriages. She does it now. I'M the one affected, so call me!!!

But this is a difficult thing to navigate and I have to remember that I'm 3 years DEEP into this and no one else is. So everyone else's level of understanding is much lower.

I've been watching Parent.hood lately. And I've appreciated how they've brought aut.ism and As.perger's to light. And it's made me wonder all the more about how I may not be/may not have been as sensitive to certain people on things I don't know much about. And I can't help but think of how I need to give that same perspective on how others deal with me on infertility.

There's always something to work on, I guess!

Sadness Triggered

2011-03-07T12:48:00.000-05:00

I knew it was just a matter of time. I've been feeling peaceful and happy with our lives, knowing that this state is extremely precious and temporary.

Last night, my brother- and sister-in-law announced to us that they are expecting.

I was fine... at first. And not just fine but - happy. I told them that I've been enjoying being an aunt and that I can't wait to be again.

But they had us on speaker phone with B's parents too. And after awhile, I knew I was moving into danger zone. I was no longer peaceful. I was sad. And the tears started and then I couldn't control myself. B got us off the phone relatively soon. And I lost it to the point of hyperventilating. It was really, really bad. That pain is just so deep and so dark...

I'm not sure what triggered it. It could have been anything, right? That news alone can be difficult enough for us no matter how peaceful we're feeling.

My mother-in-law at one point said something about how excited she was that they brought ultrasound pictures over with 'nana' and 'poppa' written on them. She also said that she was excited to have gone to our family friend's baby shower Saturday and wondered when she'd be able to get excited about being a grandmother.

Yes - that was it. I thought 'what?????'. Did she really just say that? What does she think we've been trying to do??? And can she not think for a second how hurtful that might be for us.

The only way I could equate it (which is still far off I realize) is: I've just reached my goal weight and am very happy and proud of this... but I would never tell my friend who struggles so hard with her weight. It can be like telling someone you're promoted when they are unemployed. You just don't do it. Or you do it gently.

Yeah, I should be a bigger person and be able to be truly happy for them without bringing my own issues into this. But, isn't that nearly impossible for us? And isn't it not too much to ask for a little compassion?

There was no acknowledgement of 'we know this news might be difficult for you to take...'. And for all they know, I'm still depressed like I was at Thanksgiving.

The grace in all of this: Our brother and sister in law each wrote us last night and mentioned that it probably wasn't the best idea to call with his parents... and that they wished his mother hadn't said insensitive things.

Ok, good. At least I wasn't going completely crazy in thinking these things. And at least they really do care and thought out how to best tell us the news, and then realized that they probably should have done it differently.

And I hope that I can be truly happy for them as this news processes through me. I want to be the happy aunt. I really do.

1 Year Blogoversary Came & Went

2011-02-27T07:42:00.000-05:00

I've been so busy getting ready & going to India... and have taken such a turn for the better that I missed my own 1 year blogoversary!

So... happy 1 year of blogging anniversary to me! :)

I don't know what I would have done this past year without this space. It's been my haven. And if it didn't save me, it eased my pain in a way that I don't think anything else could have come close. And it has a lot to do with all of you I've met along the way. How we've connected. How you've heard me. How you understand. Like no one else does.

So, thank YOU for allowing me to be able to celebrate this momentous occasion!

And I want to specifically thank Stirrup Queens for being out there, for her advice on blogging (since I knew nothing about blogs and was extremely lost on knowing how to start & what to do) and for being the central point for so many of us to find each other (the blogroll, creme de la creme, LFCA, IComLeavWe, for starters...). Thank you!

Where am I one year later?
Factually-speaking, I am nowhere closer to my goal. I started out writing at our 2 year ttc mark with one miscarriage giving me the impetus to seek a world out there who understood. That's when I wrote First Post - My Journey So Far. This is the "year later" post, only a month late. :)

And while I haven't reached that original 'ultimate' goal, I think I've created a new goal for myself along the way: to be at peace with my life. In so many other ways, I'm a completely different person who has decided not to make having children be the be-all-end-all of my life. I've taken charge to try to enjoy life as much as possible for what it is, not what I wish it to be, and to not define myself by my fertility... or infertility.

No matter how we arrive at feeling better about our situation, it does change us. I am marked by infertility. But I'm at a point now, past the pain, of wanting to turn it into a positive, which for me is to appreciate the children who are in my life and be a more empathetic person to others who are going through hard times.

I'm grateful for arriving at this place, recognizing that a state of peacefulness is difficult to get to and can be temporary. But I'm trying to maintain that by working hard at my awareness of where I've come from on this and where I want to continue to be.

Thank you for being on this journey with me! I can't wait to know what the next year holds for me... and for us.

Travel Does Wonders for Infertilty Journey

2011-02-22T13:48:00.000-05:00

I got back Sunday night and had a FABULOUS 2 weeks away! I felt like me again!

It's been 3 years since I've done really big travel. It's also been 3 years since we started trying to conceive.

Traveling has been in my blood. It's been my passion. Ever since studying abroad junior year in college, I have tried to plan 1 big trip a year, planning well in advance, saving up, looking forward to it. And everytime, it has left me so incredibly satisfied. On a high. Passionate about life!

I've done Europe, several times, including Eastern parts, I've gone to Costa Rica, Thailand, Peru, Tanzania, Mexico, the Carribbean, our very own US National Parks - and all have been amazing for my spirit! I'm adventurous and I crave seeing new things, experiencing other cultures and being on the go.

So, it was no wonder that this trip to India re-ignited some energy in me. I felt alive as I worked for 2 weeks and also visited with relatives. I loved being able to stopover in Dubai on the way home to see more extended family. I felt independent as I took in all kinds of new experiences. Everyday I was overwhelmed with positivity and so appreciative for this opportunity.

Yay for passions! Yay for focusing on something else for once! Yay for new experiences! And yay for resurrecting the 3-year-hidden me again!!

Too Much Childfree Living Talk?

2011-02-03T10:54:00.000-05:00

I don't know how this happened but I have literally done a 180 - I no longer want children. At least for now. But I say at least for now, but I fully 100% feel this way.

And how can this be when I felt completely 100% opposite as little as 45 days ago?

I've been through much pain, I've done the work in therapy, I've grieved for my 3 years of ttc and 3 miscarriages and I've tried to focus on life as it is, the blessings in our life and living in the present. I've wished for nothing but peace.

And I finally have it.

And I'm thrilled that we're enjoying life. Friday night spontaneous dinner date? Bring it! Sunday afternoon ice skating escape? Right on! No daily cleaning of poo, pee and vomit? Yes! Being able to do whatever we want whenever we want? Sign me up!

I know, I know, I'm simplying, but I really do love life right now. And the thought of children does not interest me now.

But, is it too much for me to continually be talking about enjoying this new-found freedom when I know my husband doesn't feel this 100%? I know that parenting wasn't his #1 reason for wanting children, so he didn't feel it as deeply as I did. But his top reasons had to do with genetic continuity so I don't want him to feel like I'm squashing that dream.

It's interesting being on the other side. For 2 years, I've talked about nothing but getting pregnant, adopting, fostering - anything to get us the children I so desperately wanted. And he kept saying he wasn't ready for adoption and didn't think he could ever consider fostering. And it hurt so badly that he didn't want what I wanted.

And now the tables may be turned. He is being good about just letting me talk. I think he hopes I'm in a phase. And I think we're letting myself just be like this for awhile but I worry that if I still feel strongly about this in a year from now, it may be here to stay, in which case will our tables turn - will he be begging me to seriously consider children when I really don't want them anymore?

Interesting turn of events...

In the meantime, India, here I come (tomorrow!)...

Our Parents' Essence of Us

2011-01-30T09:45:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, I had felt dismayed over the way that my parents and my parents-in-law have treated me particularly in the last year when I was at my lowest with our infertility struggles.

I just felt like they didn't do enough. I'm still upset with my mother who seemed to have blamed me for one of our miscarriages (though working on getting over it & forgiving) and for overall just not saying the right things. And I still don't understand how my in-laws stayed silent throughout it all.

Here I was in the depths of sorrow, mildly depressed, no energy, jealous, sad, angry... and I just couldn't get the support from the people who are family.

What a disappointment.

And I'm beginning to become aware of this phenomenon that our parents like the essence of us but may not really know us.

They think they know us, but it's become apparent that they just don't. Both my husband and I feel this way. They hardly know what we do for work (which we both feel passionately about). And in general, they don't really ask probing questions about things that really matter to us, things we're into, what we care about...

I can't help but think that our parents love us, but if they are not in our day to day lives, they can easily get stuck in remembering us for who we were, back when we did live with them...

I've felt disappointed that they seem to place so much importance on family, but then don't seem to want to really know who we are, at our core. The relationships with them just don't seem as authentic anymore. I've felt this way for a long time.

About 5-10 years ago, I began traveling moreso than I had done before, venturing outside of my only-having-gone-to-Europe zone... to Thailand, Tanzania, Costa Rica... I'd plan my trips a year ahead of time, saving money each month looking forward to this, but my parents seemed only mildly interested. You see, they hadn't moved forward with who I was becoming.

And with my in-laws, I had had a big coming-to conversation over Thanksgiving this year, writing them an email ahead of time letting them know how I was feeling and that I wanted to talk about our struggles, that it hurt when no one ever asked.

And, after all that, my mother-in-law calls me yesterday. I haven't gotten a phone call from her in months, maybe even close to a year. And you know why she called? To find out the color of the tie that my husband wore on our wedding day. They are re-painting their bathroom and want to paint it that color.

"And you're doing well?" she asked, hurriedly from the store. "Yes, I'm fine, " I replied, knowing that she didn't really want to know.

And for once, I wanted to say yes, I am fine! Better than fine - I'm GREAT! And did you know I'm going to India this Friday??? She still doesn't know that. She doesn't really want to know...

It's just the essence of us that they want, it seems.

How We Need Our Moms

2011-01-28T18:41:00.000-05:00

I had an a-ha moment this past week. A friend was over whose sister lost her husband a year ago. It's sad & tragic. They'd been together since college, had recently married and 6 months later died suddenly.

One of the hardest things about my friend's sister is dealing with her mom - who is a sweet woman but who just doesn't seem to know how to be there for her daughter. And, in turn, it hurts their mother to know that she has to tip-toe around her daughter...

I couldn't help but relate it to me. And what me & my mom had gone through this past year. She just couldn't be there for me the way I had needed her to be. It hurt that during a time of the worst sorrow I've experienced, I felt like I didn't have my mom.

Everything she said (or didn't say) was wrong.

She said all the (empty-sounding) "comforting" words of don't worry, it will happen soon (oh, yeah, when?) and there are worse things that could happen (yeah, I know I'm not dying) and just relax (ok...) and you have so many blessings (yes, and it upsets me even more that I can't seem to focus on those instead!!!).

And what she didn't say - I'm sorry this is so hard for you/that you're going through this/that you're sad.

My friend's sister has a hard time calling her mom. And when they do talk, it lasts a minute or two. The words How are you? seem loaded to her.

I can relate. I can so relate.

That time my mom called to say are you mad at me, you haven't called in 2 weeks... Well, the reason I hadn't called was because it just took too much effort to talk to someone who wasn't there for me. It made me feel even more alone to not have her be able to comfort me.

And even though I couldn't see it then, I had to trust that it would pass. That my mom & I would be able to just be "us" again... somehow.

This weekend, I drove an hour to have lunch with my parents, not out of obligation, not because they asked, not because it had been too long, but because I wanted to.

Sure, it's still not great to think about how I needed her last year and she wasn't that person for me. But I feel like I'm past that now, living life again, and only now can I feel like we have our relationship (back) again. I say (back) because I know it's not exactly the same. It can't be. But it's close. Closer than we've recently been, at least. And it's only able to be because I'm not in the depths of my sorrow anymore.

Living Life!

2011-01-22T09:35:00.000-05:00

Not much to report on the ttc-front except that I've been living life! And that, actually, is HUGE!

I have finally been approved to take my work trip to India. We opened an office there 8 months ago and I oversee HR for it, so am going for 2 weeks in 2 weeks! Huge! I'll also get to visit relatives there and have a stopver on the way home in Dubai to visit other relatives. I'm really excited about this travel. And for getting away to warmer weather during our winter :)

I am also discussing with B an overseas vacation this spring/summer. One of my goals was to get back to traveling, something I had loved doing but stopped doing these last few years because of the 'just in case' factor and then all the planning that goes into ttc. So, we're discussing Spain or Turkey/Greece. I am so excited!

And... I signed up for a 1/2 marathon in May! I did this one in 2009 but with all our treatments in the last couple of years, I didn't do it in 2010 (we actually were in treatment then with an IUI), but I am excited to get my life back on track and training again for this one in May! Which, of course, will mean hard work but I also have 3 more lbs to get down to goal weight and think/hope this will kick it into high gear.

We're also taking our nephews this afternoon to a really fun indoor pool & can't wait to spend time with those cuties!

So, there you have it - Living Life to its fullest & feeling good!

Peaceful

2011-01-17T13:53:00.000-05:00

Can it be 2 full weeks into the new year and I'm still feeling peaceful? Have I achieved that state I've been longing for? Will it last?? I sure hope so!

It's taken a lot of work & reflection... and the book Sweet Grapes: How to Stop Being Infertile and Start Living Again has really helped. It's mostly about moving to a childfree state and while I'm not sure I'm there, I am sure that I want to be happy with what I do have and with our current situation, which does not include children.

Truthfully, I just don't want to put our lives on hold anymore. I want to live life without thinking 'well, what if we get pregnant'. That hasn't worked and doesn't bring me peace.

I never thought I could be a person who may not want to have children. In fact, I was ready to jump into foster care a year and a half ago! But, in getting to this peaceful state, it's meant embracing the fact that we don't have children. And reading this book on how to embrace life without children has got me thinking that that may actually be a good life!

And, I visited with my best friend yesterday, who has a 2 year old and a recent newborn and I had a BLAST as the auntie and helper. No jealousy, no sadness, no pining. How incredible is that? I never thought I'd get here.

Who knows where my state in mind will be in the near future but for now, I AM happy to say that I am embracing our lives the way it is. And that is the amazing peace that I've so been wishing for, moreso than a child.

Resolved in the New Year

2011-01-09T09:53:00.000-05:00

I wish I could take all my zen-like feelings from our beach vacation into the new year. That's what I will strive to do.

I had some long and hard moments with myself and with B discussing how easy it can be once we're away from our daily lives to feel fine about our situation and to enjoy life for what it is, and not for what we don't have. It's a harder thing when we're around friends with children and back to our daily grind.

But...I am resolved. To trying. Trying to see the good in life. Trying to make the most of our situation. Trying really hard to enjoy being childless right now. Trying to take advantage of the things we wouldn't be able to do otherwise.

Yes, easier said than done. Especially since we've had another consult with our doc and talked about IVF and how I need to do more tests and bloodwork. Oh, how I don't want to go through all of these steps. We'll take it easy for now. Take small steps in some direction. But I refuse to stress over it all. We'll do what we can when we can.

And in the meantime, I need to fit travel back into my life. It revives me and it's something I haven't really done much of in the last couple of years. So, here's to fun planning ahead!

The Best Gift of all This Season

2010-12-27T07:51:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to focus on others this season and it's true that giving to others has this magical effect of making you feel good. I was on a giving high this week...

Our church has adopted a 17 year old girl and her sister. The 17 year old is a survivor of domestic sex-trafficking - she had been "convinced" by an older man (usually not older than 25!) to 'work' for him. I never knew how much girls in the US are forced into prostitution by merely feeling like they have no other choice because they are too young and oftentimes don't have good support systems at home. And how most of the girls (and boys) being prostituted are under-age. It makes my heart break...

I've learned so much from Courtney's House and from GEMS (Girls Educational & Mentoring Services). I've gotten to personally know the Executive Director of Courtney's House, who is a former teenage sex-trafficking survivor. Her story is remarkable and I'm inspired by her.

So, it was a no brainer for me to want to give back to this 17 year old and her sister this year. I organized the church's drive for this.

She had an MP3 player on her list. I knew someone was getting her a computer. She also had digital camera on her list among other electronics, clothes and teenage necessities like make-up. I had also heard some people in the church questioning her 'wants' of these electronics.

To that, I said, why shouldn't she deserve these things? Most typical 17 year olds would get these items, so why not her? And shouldn't our answer be: she's especially deserving of these things? Think of all she's been through and we're questioning why she should get a computer, MP3 player and camera???

So, I thought, I can get her this MP3 player and decided on the i.pod na.no. As soon as I clicked 'Confirm Order', I was elated!

This was the best gift I'm giving this season! Joy to the world!

And our present to each other? We're off to the Turks and Caicos... Happy New Year!

And Now... For a Little Positive Infusion

2010-12-22T09:27:00.000-05:00

Thanks to you for your support over the last few days as I struggled with my inadequacies at work as a result of sadness over my infertility and having it show at work. Not easy to confront about myself, but such is my story and luckily I have an actual new year ahead to wipe the (sadness) slate clean!

Now onto infusing some positivity...

I was inspired by Katie at From If to When on her post Strength. She admits that it can be hard to focus on positives when we're feeling sad and lonely but she does it anyway and I want to too.

She's motivated me to set up our nursery even though we don't know how that baby will come. It's something she says she has control over and I think I need that now too.

Lily from The Infertile Mind is always someone I know I can count on to have some positive vibes radiating on her blog. More recently, she's been posting a lot of positive quotes that I love getting my fill of every few days!

Rebecca at The Road Less Traveled has seen positive betas from her donor embryo transfer and I am so thrilled for her! She has been through a lot this year and this new news warms my heart.

And... my best friend just had her second baby. I feel so blessed to be such an intimate part of it all - getting calls as she was going through labor and getting to see her baby girl at less than 1 day old after she home-birthed her. It's so rare to get to be part of that type of experience. Sure, I got teary-eyed when I left particularly since she's dark-haired like I imagine mine to be... but I think I was just emotional overall at the gift of life.

Is that some good positivity or what? :)

So Glad I Said Something!

2010-12-21T12:31:00.000-05:00

After a few days of angst over how to handle my boss's comments on my performance, I decided to have a follow-up talk with him today and am so glad I did. I started out by asking if he had any new performance concerns since we last talked 6 weeks ago. He said no, just that I hadn't seemed to change much.

I then shared with him for context that we've had a difficult past year most recently experiencing a miscarriage over Thanksgiving, so it's just taking me awhile to get back on my toes but that I'm committed to the company, etc. He was suprisingly empathetic and actually shared that he and his wife faced struggles in this area, and that he wishes us success with this. And let's work together to get me back...

Overall, I'm glad I shared (if only at a high-level) and that I also emphasized that I'm committed to the company no matter what happens in this area for us (I was afraid that he'd think I might not be once we got pregnant or had a baby).

Phew, do I feel like a weight off my shoulders! Now, I gotta get crackin' on all that work ;)

Infertility Can Seem so Cruel

2010-12-20T09:39:00.000-05:00

What happened to me being peaceful? Seems like that only lasted a couple of weeks.

I think my boss's comments really struck me on Friday. I plan to have some sort of follow-up with him - just wanting to at least clarify what, if any, performance concerns he may have of me. Earlier this year, he said I was doing amazing and wanted to promote me, so I know I'm not ready for promotion now, but maybe my performance isn't necessarily bad, it's just not outstanding anymore... when we talked in October, he said it was inconsistent.

I just want to know if he was asking me "whether I was happy or not" and "doing what I wanted to be doing" more because he sensed I was unhappy and might leave, or if he also had performance concerns. He's usually straight with me, so I may be reading too much into this and he may have simply been worried about me leaving, which is actually a good sign on my performance... and he did say that while the promotion won't happen now, 'we've just kicked it down the road a bit'.

It bothered me all weekend. I didn't sleep well. Especially last night - I actually turned out my light at 8:30pm because of the lack of sleep all weekend! But then woke up at 1:30am-4:30am. Read about 100 pages of The Go.od Earth by Pea.rl Bu.ck. Good book by the way.

My husband and I started again on what our next steps are... he wants biology so badly and I keep feeling like my body is failing us. His heart just isn't open to adoption right now. And honestly, deep down, I think we do still have a little ways to go on biology but I just wish the pressure would come off a bit. If he was the one to say 'let's start a homestudy', then I think I'd say, well, let's do some more tests...

I just want to be happy & peaceful!!

Infertility Can Bite!

2010-12-18T08:38:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought I was ok... I had my last counseling session - at least for now. I've been feeling much more like 'myself' and not in this constant sad state, like I had been for the last couple of months.

I was even able to get excited about my sister-in-law's sister-in-law's ultrasound appointment to find out what they were having, and was ok with the ultrasound pics on facebook (though I think she took it too far to make her profile pic her ultrasound pic, but anyway). I'm ok with all the holiday cards streaming in with all the kids on them (why can't people also put themselves on the cards? why just the kids??), I'm ok with all the kids postings on facebook. So, I'm generally ok.

But then, my boss yesterday has a meeting with me to ask if I'm happy at work and I was caught off-guard. He and I are really not personal so I kept it very high level saying I've been going through something very difficult in my personal life and it's affected my work life as well but I've gotten help and I feel like myself again and am ready to get back to how I was before and am excited about upcoming projects, etc.

Then, I came home and cried and cried. Why is it that just when I feel like everything is ok, infertility comes back to bite me? I feel like infertility is bad enough with this deep sadness, and then it just kicks me even more because it's affected my work performance. It's not fair.

I've always tried to keep the lines between personal and professional separate. Heck, I'm HR - that's what I do. But I also know the human side to HR and that's exactly what this was. And somehow, I froze.

When I told my husband all of this, he thinks that maybe I should have given my boss a bit more context and said that I've gone through 3 miscarriages and a surgery in the last year, with the last miscarriage being over Thanksgiving and then explain how I'm just explaining that for context on the sadness I've had to experience which may be why I haven't been myself even at work. And that maybe even if I am going through something like this in the future to let him know in case I need understanding that I'm not operating at 100%. I definitely don't want his sympathy but simply want to provide context...

But it's not just the miscarriages. And this issue is complicated. And I'm not sure how to talk about it at a high level with someone who I respect and like but where we don't talk much about our personal lives. The reason I've been sad is because of infertility in general but maybe just stating the miscarriages is enough for him to understand? Potentially more tangible and 'understandable' in mainstream life rather than infertility, which people really don't understand at all?

Anyway, if anyone has advice on how to talk at a high-level with someone who isn't very personal (though he's by no means a monster...), please let me know. Maybe what I said is enough? Or is having a follow-up with him a good idea to provide just a tiny bit more context?

A Must Read Chapter

2010-12-12T19:16:00.000-05:00

I've been a bit quiet lately. I can't tell if it's because I'm not actively going through anything 'trying' related right now. Or if I'm busy at work or busy with holiday stuff. Or maybe I'm still feeling quite peaceful and don't have the need to pour out my feelings as much.

I just read a blog entry by Dr Lisa Rouff, Infertility Therapist on Resilience is the Real Fertility. It really struck me particularly since Eliz.abeth Ed.wards' passing was significant to me this week and I felt she taught us a lot about resilience. And maybe because most of what I've craved this entire time is peace. I know my children will take awhile to get to me, however they do, so all I want in the meantime is peace. A way to better handle the challenge.

I also want to share a chapter of a book that I think is a must-read for anyone facing the 'what's next' in adoption, donor sperm/egg/embryo, surrogacy, childlessness, etc. I would NEVER have picked up this book a year ago and I wish I had. The book is called Adopt.ing Af.ter In.fertility by Pat.ricia Ir.win John.ston.

My counselor recommended it to me when I was telling her that my husband and I are stuck on not necessarily agreeing on adoption vs. continuing treatments. The book was written in the early 90s and there has been no update since but it's still extremely relevant.

The first chapter is called The Challenge of Infertility and focuses on ranking 6 areas that matter most to you and your partner so that you can begin (often difficult) conversations about what you are both willing to explore, or something along those lines.

I'd list the six areas but am afraid I'd be plagiarising... suffice it to say that it's well worth getting on ama.zon or some other place!

It made me realize that I may want to give conceiving more effort before we consider adoption. There's a lot that goes into this but that's what the chapter tells you to do - talk about putting a plan together.

My short-term plan: we leave for Turks & Caicos in 2 weeks!!! :)

In a MUCH Better Place, Dare I Say Peaceful?

2010-12-04T08:44:00.000-05:00

I AM in a much better place. I don't know how it happened. Maybe it was getting past Thanksgiving. Maybe it was my in-laws finally talking with me. Maybe it's the work I'm doing with a counselor who specializes in infertility. I don't know. But I'm grateful.

I didn't think I could get here. And who knows how long I'll actually stay here. But I want to surrender this bitterness. And I think I have.

I somehow was able to deal with our 3rd miscarriage over Thanksgiving with amazing grace. I think partly it's because I knew what our chances were from our first beta and therefore prepared myself. But I also think a remarkable peacefulness has overtaken me.

It was so nice to finally talk with my in-laws about everything. I especially bonded with my sister-in-law who I really appreciate now that we've talked in depth about a lot of this and what it's also like to be the in-laws in this family. :)

My counselor has been great. We've spent a lot of time talking about my mom and how disappointing it's been for me to feel like I've 'lost' her in not being able to talk with her about this the way I had been about everything else. She explained that people normally have 2 natural reactions when loved ones are in distress - fight or flight.

My in-laws clearly had 'flight' by not talking to me about it at all. And my mother had fight. She wants to make my pain go away so she says all the 'unhelpful' things rather than just acknowledging my pain. It helped to understand that. And it also helped for her to let me know over Thanksgiving that she's understanding that I'm going through a hard time and that she'll wait for me to be me again whenever that may be. She'll be patient with me is basically what she was saying.

I also saw our embryo in the toilet the Friday after Thanksgiving. I really wasn't ready for that and couldn't flush for the longest time. I just kept starring at it wanting to find more meaning in all of this that is happening to us. It was just a very striking moment for me.

And I think back on our fertility journey so far - on what the last 3 years have meant, and what this last 12 months have bee like - 3 miscarriages, starting and ending at Thanksgiving, and a surgery. It's been quite a year. And I'm ready to acknowledge it and move past it.

I know this is going to be a long road for us and I'm prepared to keep at it but equally prepared to enjoy life again and fully embrace it. Much easier said than done and I know I'll have little pangs of sad childlessness but I also know that I don't and won't feel that way most of the time anymore.

And we decided to use our miles and take off for a vacation to the Tu.rks and Cai.cos after Christmas and through New Year's! Yay!

Email to My In-Laws: Preparing for Our Visit

2010-11-22T11:48:00.000-05:00

I'm sending this today to my in-laws. Warning: it's very long but felt so, so good to write and was a letter about a year-long in the making:

Dear In-Laws [insert names here],

I wanted to personally write in anticipation of the holiday and our time together, and to let you know what's been going on with us, and in particular how it's affected me mostly and how I feel you can help. I apologize in advance for the length but it's been something I've been drafting in my head for awhile now, so please bear with me! I decided to write this because I realize that what B and I are going through is not an easy thing for us to process, and much harder sometimes for loved ones to process. And by writing, I think it may allow you time and space to actually process this without having us bombard you with this without you knowing how to react.

Infertility is not often something people know much about and because it still seems rather taboo, people aren't sure how to ask or talk about it. I hope I can shed light on some of this. If you weren't sure, this is how infertility is defined if under 35: trying to conceive unsuccessfully for 1 year or if the woman has had several miscarriages.

We've been trying to conceive for almost 3 years now. The enormity of this 3 year milestone has been an incredible one for me. On top of that, this Thanksgiving will mark one year that we experienced our first miscarriage. And it's been hard for me to face that my best friend is about to have her 2nd baby in Dec, when I thought we were going to be on similar paths. Or that our nephew just turned 3 and I thought our children would be closer in age to him.

Infertility can be a continual grieving process. Each passing month is a grief in in of itself. It's a grief that isn't named and isn't obvious to others, with no rituals, making it difficult to navigate the emotions around it. Someone recently shared with me an excerpt from Laura Bush's biography that was helpful to me:

_________________________________

For some years now, the wedding invitations that had once crowded the mailbox had been replaced by shower invites and pink-or-blue-beribboned baby announcements. I bought onesies or rattles, wrapped them in yellow paper, and delivered them to friends. I had done it with a happy wistfulness, believing that someday my time, my baby, would come. George and I had hoped that I would be pregnant by the end of his congressional run. Then we hoped it would be by the time his own father announced his presidential run, then by the presidential primaries, the convention, the general election. But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby.

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.”

But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives.

Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?- Laura Bush

_________________________________

I think you know that we had another miscarriage in May followed by my fibroid surgery in August, which they thought might have been the cause. We actually just experienced another miscarriage late last week, though this time, we were able to conceive naturally, which felt like a small victory. Still, we've never been able to make it past the 6 week mark when you can usually hear a heartbeat. And twice I've had to actually get a shot to dissolve the pregnancy because it was developing abnormally, they think in my tubes - that's what happened last Thanksgiving and that is what happened this past Friday.

I say all of this for a couple of reasons:

I haven't felt like "me" for awhile now. You may have noticed (especially [FIL’s name here] who emails the most) that I've been pretty silent and unresponsive. I've been very sad. I haven't been to be aloof or unloving; I just haven't been 'me'. I've had a hard time returning phone calls or reaching out to others or even going to church. I've been getting help. I'm seeing a counselor who specializes in infertility and I've been attending a support group. I've also found an online community and have met some amazing people from around the world who have become my friends, all of whom are going through similar experiences.
I've had mixed emotions about Thanksgiving. It's been very hard for me to go on about my life 'as normal', let alone as a celebration and occasions like Thanksgiving and Christmas can actually accentuate my sadness. I'm not sure how I will react this week, but if I can't really laugh or if I'm spending more time than normal in my room or have gone for a run, it's because sadness has hit me and I need to retreat or outlet.
I've asked B if we can skip the 'what we're thankful for' at Thanksgiving this year. It can be hard for me sometimes to feel even sadder that I have trouble seeing past this one thing that we don't have yet, even among our many, many blessings. I have a hard time when all I covet from my neighbor are their children! So, I hope you're ok if we skip this part of Thanksgiving this year.

I also want you to know that this is how you can best help me:

I need love, support & empathy most of all - things like - I'm sorry you're going through this, this must be hard for you, is there anything you need right now, I love you - those are all helpful things to say - most of all listening and caring.
I'm ok talking about it, in fact, it feels like an elephant in the room if loved ones aren't asking me about how I'm feeling. It can make me feel even more alone when I'm not asked. I may get sad talking about it, and that's ok. I'm ok with crying as long as you are. Or I may actually feel in control. But I do appreciate being asked.
I need distractions too! I'm looking forward to playing games - App.les to App.les? :) or watching a movie together or things like that
Hugs & prayers feel good too

I actually do think I'm doing better. The last couple of months were especially hard with the upcoming milestones and holidays but last week, I resolved myself to get back to "me" and to try to live life again the way we are intended to - with joy & gusto. So far so good since my resolve on Thurs but I know that the grief of infertility is always lurking somewhere nearby and I never know when it will hit.

All this said, B has handled this much differently than I have. He's much more patient, trusting that our time will happen with proper care & help in whatever way that is meant to be for us. I worry more sometimes about how he has to deal with me! But I'll let him talk about this.

Thank you so much for reading this & understanding. I know you must be going through your own thoughts and whirlwind around this, particularly as hopeful future grandparents and of course, as people who love us.

We really look forward to your visit and being able to share the love we all have for each other!

love,
me

And... It Wasn't Good

2010-11-19T17:46:00.000-05:00

My bloodwork results from yesterday were only at 154 (from 107 on Tues) and it turns out my obgyn's office had specialists look at my ultrasound and they did find a 1cm mass at the entrance of my tube.

So, metho.trexate it was.

What are the odds of that happening to 1 person twice? And almost a year to the day. Incredible. We've had 3 chemical pregnancies now ending in the 5th week, only one was a natural miscarriage.

I'm sure we'll have follow up tests and such. I'm eager to try to figure out why this may be happening. It just doesn't seem like it should.

Anyway, my positivity from yesterday is still coming through. I'm largely feeling unaffected by this (maybe it's just denial...) but maybe I'm also past my big grieving period. Maybe I'm finally ready to grab life by its collar again and really live, the way I know we're supposed to, which is to say by really enjoying it.

So, I continue to be resolved & determined to try to find happiness (despite all of this). I want to be back! And I will be.

It's Not Looking Good

2010-11-18T15:18:00.000-05:00

My ultrasound & sonogram showed nothing today. They couldn't find anything. They did bloodwork and I told them could they please not wait until 5pm tomorrow to call me. They said they'd try. I really wish I was back at my RE and not at this obgyn.

Anyway, they said I'd likely have to repeat an ultrasound on Monday and I'm pretty sure we'll have to do methotrextate (sp?) next week. I just hope that my levels actually start decreasing so that I don't have to do that.

The irony. Almost 1 year to the day where we went through the same thing. At Thanksgiving.

We got pregnant on our own this time but now I'm hesitant to put more money into treatments if I can't ever make it to week 6. There's one more test my new RE wanted to do. I guess we'll do that when this is all over.

I feel kinda numb but I think I also want to be resolved to handle this better. I had told my husband that this unbearable feeling lately has given me insight into why people contemplate ending their lives. Not that I'm near that point AT ALL but I could just see it. He wanted to know if he wasn't enough. And I had a hard time with that because, in a way, no - because I really can't imagine us without a family. And on the other hand, if the tables were turned, I would want to feel like I'd be enough for him to never contemplate something like that... (and please don't worry - I'm really not contemplating anything).

So after our big conversation around it, I'm even more determined to try to get back to ME and handle this better. All I need is peace and resolve. I can do this!

Not in a Great Place

2010-11-18T08:48:00.000-05:00

This week has been a bit of agony for me. I am not used to not getting the level of care I had been getting with our RE and in retrospect, I should have just called them first rather than my obgyn. They don't call me until 5pm with results!!! Who does that???

So, I tested Friday & then spotted all weekend. Called Monday to say I think I needed to be retested. They said wait for the results. Ok - 5pm they say tell me 61 & to re-test Tuesday. Got those results at 5pm last night - 107. (I'm more used to a 5 hour turnaround, not 28 hour turnaround!!).

Anyway, it should have been around 240. So, less than half of what it's supposed to be. The irony is that I stopped spotting yesterday.

They're having me repeat bloodwork today - though I guess I won't get the results till 5pm Friday - ARGH!!!!! I'm also doing a sonogram today at 1pm. I'm worried it's either miscarrying or ectopic. Maybe it's just a really slow grower...

Think peaceful thoughts for me today, please.

I also had a hard time seeing the gift that my sister-in-law's gave to her sister in law on facebook - new onesies.

The thing I want most of all is just to be ME again. To be happy & chipper and not bitter. I don't know who this person is who has overtaken my body.

On a happy note, being in HR, I got my office to play App.les to App.les yesterday (and we even had apples & peanut butter as a snack!) & people LOVED it. (If you haven't played it, it's the MOST fun game ever - and a great family game if you're anxious of too much sitting around with your family over Thanksgiving!). I was very pleased that our office enjoyed it since that is my favorite game & because most of them hadn't heard of it before! And it let me forget about my problems for a little while...

All Over the Place

2010-11-15T14:43:00.000-05:00

Go figure that after I posted that my home test was negative last week, I was late. I tested again on Friday morning this time and was 'a little pregnant', meaning only faint line on the test.

Because of our history, I called my normal obgyn who had me come in for bloodwork Friday. I still don't have those results.

I spotted a bit both weekend days. It felt like every 4 hours or so, I was either up or down depending on whether there was spotting or absolutely nothing. This morning, more spotting than over the weekend. Called my doc again, they're going to call me back.

This is so nerve-wrecking. I hate this in between stuff. I hate the hopeful/reality yo-yo. It's driving me crazy.

As my husband said, 'even though we were taught in high school that there's no such thing as being a little pregnant, it sure does feel that way now'. Definitely.

So both good & bad... kinda small victory feeling we could do this on our own finally but I also won't rest easy (easier) till the 6 week mark. We have yet to ever hear a heartbeat and I just don't know if I can have much hope for this.

Please don't say 'congrats' or anything just yet. That's part of the reason I haven't said anything yet. I really do feel like this could slip at any moment. I just need support. I need to be more than 'a little pregnant' before the congrats can roll in... you know, the delicate balance.

It Pisses Me Off

2010-11-10T14:39:00.000-05:00

I just took a test and it's negative. Quelle surprise! What else is new? The thing is, I haven't taken a home test in a verrrrrrrrry long time. Found them pointless. But for some stuuuuupid reason, I decided to be extra hopeful this month.

Grrrrrr. It just REALLY angers me. Why? Why can't I just be normal? Just once?

And better yet, since I'm clearly not, then why can't I handle this better? Why can't I be one of those people who really seek to make this situation better, or accept it, or make the most of it, or see the blessings that could come of it?

My husband was saying the other day that he thinks we've gotten closer as a result of all of this. Maybe. Maybe not. I'd like to think that we'd be closer in a totally different way if we hadn't gone through any of this. And I can't think that my friends who conceived naturally are not closer to their hubands. And I'm just not ready to see the silver lining yet in this.

And part of it is that I'd like for our silver lining to be adoption. I really do. I'm sick of my (failing) body. I'm sick of monitoring. I'm sick of timing sex (especially when we really don't want to). I'm sick of being anxious for 2 weeks. I'm sick of being hopeful. I'm sick of negative tests. I'm sick of doctors appointments. I'm sick of drugs. I'm just sick of it all.

I want a different silver lining. But my husband isn't there on that. So, I feel totally stuck. And this impasse is almost more painful than our infertility. Do I just 'give in' and do all the doctors appointments, more drugs, more everything? Why can't he see this beautiful thing that can be for us - a different silver lining?

I'm also sick of being angry. And sad. And withdrawn. I just want to be me again.

A Glimpse of Normal

2010-11-10T09:18:00.000-05:00

I got a glimpse yesterday of what it might be like to conceive normally, the way we were meant to. My thought was that maybe my fibroid surgery allowed us to be able to conceive this way. So, yesterday I decided that I would go about my day thinking that I was pregnant. And it was amazing. Truly amazing.

I'm supposed to get my period today and of course I've been doing all the neurotic things we do by checking out every possible thing that is going on with my body. So far, no signs -- except this pimple on my forehead.

I even tried taking an early pregnancy test last night and... it was defective!

Anyway, the amazing thing was that I allowed myself to think I was pregnant yesterday, and it was oh, so good.

I couldn't get over how over the moon I was that it could be that simple. Monitor your cycle, have sex a couple of times during opportune moments and bam - pregnant.

Wouldn't that be amazing? No drugs, no drama, no crazy person living within my body. I felt this cloud lift over me - like I was ME again! It made me smile all day.

How unfair that we don't really get to feel that way, huh? And that others take it for granted?

So, while it was nice living in la-la land yesterday, I have no idea what today holds, or what tomorrow and next month and the month after hold for that matter.

But how amazing to have felt that for just 1 day...

A Talk with Dear Ol' Dad About Mom

2010-11-08T09:39:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, I continue to have a hard time figuring out how to deal with my mother in this whole process. So, I decided to call on my dad for some expertise.

He's hard to talk to - mostly because he works in cube-land and can't talk easily at work and my mom is always around at home, so can't talk with him there. I decided to call him at work anyway last week to talk about this pain I feel about my mom.

I told him how she and I have always had a close relationship and that now, with her constant unwanted advice - even though I tell her repeatedly that unwanted advice isn't helpful - I don't even want to spend time with her anymore. It's gotten to that point.

I feel like in a way, I've lost my mom.

He says that she hasn't changed. That she's always been this way - giving unsolicited advice and, at times, not being sensitive about it.

And I know I've changed. I know I'm now hyper-sensitive about anything anyone says.

I don't know where to go from here, though. Just accepting that our relationship has changed? That it's ok to not talk with her about this stuff anymore? Dad says she comes at all of this with a loving heart for me, and I know that... but practically, she's not listening to me about what I most need from her - her listening ear and her empathy. And until she can get that, which I'm beginning to think will be never, then I simply can't talk with her about infertility anymore. It's too painful. And more than that, it really angers me. And I have enough to deal with without being angry about her.

The Determined Joy of Meeting (a Blog Friend)!

2010-11-03T12:27:00.001-04:00

I have been excited for about 2-3 months knowing that my friend from Determined to Have Joy was going to be in my area for work!

We clicked almost instantaneously last winter via our blogs and began emailing each other on the side. So, when she told me she was coming to DC, I got a bit nervous. I'd wondered if I should even suggest meeting in person, contemplating that sometimes an online relationship needs to stay online... That maybe this amazing relationship we've developed would fizzle once we actually met in person.

But, no!

Last night, I met her in person and it exceeded my expectations! We had so much fun and talked 'deep stuff' too!

How amazing that we can find friends online who know some of our deepest emotions that we don't really share with others, or who others in our 'real life' just don't seem to get as much!! What a true joy!

She's currently on a hiatus from blogging but I hope she'll be back, not just in blog-land but in DC too! :)

(Pretty fitting for me (given my reluctance to 'come out') that our pic came out blurry)!

A Bit of a Silence

2010-11-01T10:52:00.000-04:00

I've been pretty silent lately and was not a good ICLW participant. I feel badly that I've been neglecting my dear friends in blogland. But I've also needed this introspection time.

The last couple of weeks were difficult. I was still dealing with a lot of sadness and grieving important milestones of 'could have been's'. I think I'm better, but each time I say that, I relapse.

What's going on this time? My last counseling session indicated that I'm now grieving the loss of the relationship that my mother and I had. That ever since this world of infertility I've been thrown into, our relationship has changed. And most signficantly, it changed this past spring as I was experiencing our second miscarriage in which I felt she blamed me for things I either did or didn't do. I'm still resentful of that.

And as a result, I'm processing it and have distanced myself from her - the person I thought I could always go to for everything, who was my comfort. Yet, she hasn't known how to comfort me in this trying time.

Just last week, after months of not talking about it, I re-opened up to her. I had told her again that I don't want advice and all I need is empathy. The conversation started out ok. She was offering me (albeit extremely awkwardly and forced) what I needed to hear - "I'm sorry you're going through this and that it's difficult for you". And then she did it: she offered me advice that I didn't want, telling me that I just need to accept my situation, that I'd be better able to move on if I just accepted it.

All that advice after I had also just told her that my counselor says this is different. That it's hard to just accept something when there isn't a finality to it yet.

I honestly don't remember what I said next but remember trying to just get off the phone because I just didn't want to hear it.

We're likely going to have to have another conversation about this but it just zaps my energy and therefore creates distance and makes me feel all the more that I've lost my mom - the mom I used to have. The mom who used to be able to comfort me.

I'm still grieving, not just for lost baby milestones but for my mother who can't comfort me the way she used to.

October ICLW - Welcome!

2010-10-21T08:54:00.000-04:00

Hello & welcome if you're new!

I've taken a bit of a break from ICLW but am excited to rejoin this month. Here's my brief story and where I am:

Been trying for almost 3 years, 3 IUIs resulting in 2 miscarriages at 5 1/2 weeks and latest was fibroid surgery in August
Had been feeling very low emotionally with a 3 year ttc milestone looming as well as a 1 year milestone from 1st miscarriage around Thanksgiving
Discussions with husband ongoing about trying naturally, no drug fertility treatments and/or adoption
Sought support group & counseling, which seems to be helping
Feeling better in general - want to approach this as life is bigger than this, while of course feeling the absence in our lives...

Happy ICLW & thanks for stopping by! :)

No Drug Option?

2010-10-20T15:12:00.000-04:00

At my support group last week, a woman was talking about how she's doing a no-drug IVF cycle (aka natur.al cy.cle IVF). Interesting, I thought.

And then it wouldn't leave my head. I kept thinking about it. Part of what I haven't liked about our IUIs is that the drugs make me a crazy person. I remember asking our clinic if they would do IUI for us without drugs and they said they wouldn't recommend it. Not knowing much about anything at the time, we just went along with what they recommended.

But now, with 3 IUIs under my belt, I am more informed. And I'm about to be more informed. I'm curious to meet with this new clinic and discuss no drug IUI or IVF, and I'm especially curious about IVF. I always thought I'd have mixed feelings on it but now that there is an option that wouldn't make me a total crazy person and would increase our chances without the cost or invasiveness being insane, I want to know more.

The support group helped tremendously last week. And I want to make sure I keep a peaceful state of mind, but I also think I'm ready to get this show on the road again.

Do you know more about no drug/natu.ral cycle options? Can you share?

Oh... And I've Come Out, Sort of!

2010-10-17T08:24:00.000-04:00

In my quest to remain anonymous so that I can continue to write whatever is on my heart without fear of someone in real life finding me, I've been pretty protective of my identity.

I've also struggled with how I'm viewed and how close of connections I can make if I'm not totally open. I should feel rest assured - I have made several very close connections as a result of being able to be as open as I can be on here while still not posting pictures...

But because I get such joy when I see your pictures, I thought I'd share just a tiny bit of myself:

I am real! :)

Calling In Reinforcements

2010-10-17T08:10:00.000-04:00

This was a rough week. I've been feeling the lowest of lows lately. I got my period. And I went to a Wed night church event where unbeknownst to me, they served communion and I just wasn't ready. I cried on bike ride home. And then I completely lost it when I got home.

I cried and cried to the point where I could hardly breathe anymore. I don't know that I've ever cried harder or more passionately EVER. It was pretty intense. Telling my husband that I just can't take the enormity of all of this anymore. That I feel absence in our life so much and that he and I can't agree on next steps - both of those combined creates this immense sadness.

Which is why I felt like I needed reinforcements.

I found this infertility support group last year and for various reasons stopped going (inconvenient location, feeling hopeful with fertility treatments, finding bloggers). But last week, my counselor recommended I connect with people going through this in real life. So, I thought it time to go back.

And it was quite a feat - I had a daytrip planned on Thurs to our PA office, a 3 hour one-way trip! And I still made it to Thurs night support group, albeit 10 minutes late!

And I'm so glad I did. The leader is an acunpuncturist who leads us through discussion along with guided meditation. It was hard for me to get into at first and I don't know that I can do meditation on my own, but I see the benefits.

What resonated the most to me was how:

This can be all-consuming to us and we have to remember that this is a slice of our lives and not everything. Life is bigger than this, she kept saying.

And I know she's right. I know that I'm more than whether or not I'm a mom right now. And when I will be a mom, I know that being a mom will still be one facet of the many things that define me.

We need to reclaim our happiness. We need to write down 15 things that make us happy and then spend each weekend doing one of those things.

I finished a book in bed yesterday morning (A Hap.py Marr.iage for those of you wondering, and I'd give it a solid B - good read but not one of the best books I've read), I walked in my neighborhood to get froyo and went to a used bookstore, then came home to read on our front porch swing.

We need to move our bodies. Even when we don't feel like it. The endorphins that exercise creates will help to make us feel better. (We know this, right? So, let's do it!)
Paying attention to nutrition is important. She's also a nutrionist so I got inspired...
It's ok to create the space we need to feel whatever we're feeling - sad, mad, disappointed... and not feel like we shouldn't feel that way.
We need to be kind to ourselves.
We need to learn to be flexible when we're faced with challenges. We need to pick up the stake we've put in the ground and move it.

This may have been what made me perk up the most. I've had my stake in the ground for everything that's going on this fall - coming up on the anniversary of our first miscarriage (around Thanksgiving no less), coming up on a 3 year trying to conceive milestone, coming up on my best friend's second baby's birth and mostly coming up on what do we do come January if we're still not pregnant? Her answer: move our stake in the ground. I like it.

So, what did I learn this week? That it's important to lean on others and seek help. That life is bigger than this. That if we're not pregnant come January, it'll be ok... I'll just pick up our stick and move it.

A Plea to My Husband on Adoption

2010-10-12T11:09:00.000-04:00

My body has failed me once again. My period showed up today and while it is/should be no surprise, this was the first month of our new "clean slate" after fibroid surgery and trying.

I monitored my cervical fluid. We had sex twice around the fertile times. And still nothing.

And, I know. Even if everything is working fine, it's not like it should happen the first month or anything...

I cannot continue to feel like my body is failing me. I cannot continue to have timed sex (though honestly, at least it 'forces' us in our busy lives to have sex 1-2 more times than we would have otherwise, which is a good thing!). I cannot continue to have 2 week waits. And I cannot continue to be disappointed by blood every month.

What I want is a baby. In my arms. Today. I want what jrs has. She's In Love and I'm in love for her! (check out her beaming new picture in that link).

I'm starting the process with research. And looking into suggestions you've given me (I've ordered Ad.opted for Li.fe on ama.zon - thanks Rachel!)

And I know we each have our long roads. I was comforted and surprised to hear of Lau.ra Bush's journey thanks to Jess. Read it. It's worth it.

Here's the conundrum I'm facing: My husband is not comfortable with adoption... 'at least not now' is what I keep telling myself. He's open to research and that's what we're doing and maybe that's ok for now.

But all I want is to forget about all these biological options that are energy-draining for me and for us to both be excited about adoption, which I feel so incredibly compelled to explore. How do I get him to share in that? What do we do?

Adoption Research, Here We Come!

2010-10-11T10:23:00.000-04:00

Adoption has been on my mind for so long now, and my husband is finally ready to have us start researching.

So... I need some help since I'm really starting from scratch.

Any good checklists that you can recommend on the steps needed for adoption? And does it differ if it's private vs. public? international vs. domestic?
Any good agencies to recommend? (We live in DC if that makes any difference)
Any information on adopting from India? How is that done? Any agencies that specialize in that?

We don't really know our specific thoughts on all those questions - private vs. public, int'l vs. domestic, but for various reasons, we feel pulled to India.

I'm half Indian so I think we think it would be a nice tie back to that part of my family that my husband has become very tied to as well. I think for whatever reason, it may be easier to have a child who really might not look like us so we don't get the mistaken 'oh, your child looks just like you' comments, though we've also considered the opposite of it being obvious that we've adopted and the questions that would come from that. I have no idea what to think of all of this since it's so brand-new to us.

And, my husband's not fully on-board which makes it harder... he really believes that we still have good chances on having biological children. But for whatever reason, I just feel 'done' with that option. I've poured too much energy into it and it's drained me. I know adoption isn't easy and it's full of it's own challenges, but I'm ready for something different.

I've always wanted adoption to be part of our story anyway, so I'm hoping my husband will be open enough to potentially have this option come into our lives sooner than we might have thought.

And I'd love any help I can get on getting started with looking into this process.

************
And on a joyful note - a HUGE congrats to jrs at Find Joy Now who brought home her son this weekend!

Time for Counseling

2010-10-07T12:02:00.000-04:00

I finally took the plunge and went to counseling. I felt like there was something different about how I've been feeling now than my previous lows and I couldn't wait around any longer to see if/when it would go away.

And it seems like I'm not the only one. We're all hurting. We're all in need of healing. We all want the same things.

I was struck by Rachel at The Pughs, who I wrote about just days ago with how much positivity she brings to me. Well, yesterday, she finally admitted that she needs time for healing. Her post is so touching. It so incredibly resonates with what I feel - and what, apparently, lots of us are feeling.

My counselor was helpful. I wanted someone who understood infertility and I found her on the Re.solve website. Luckily she had a cancellation that same day. Here's some of the things we discussed and that I'm working through:

Upcoming 3 year milestone of trying to conceive
Upcoming birth of my best friend's 2nd baby
Upcoming anniversary of our first miscarriage last Thanksgiving
Disappointments with how family members have dealt with me
Unresolved conflict between my husband and I on next steps and thoughts about adoption

Those last 3 points I hadn't fully realized until I started talking through it in counseling.

Our miscarriage last year was a big deal and I'm still disappointed about how everyone handled it by basically ignoring it. I'm particularly disappointed with my in-laws about this and their continued supposed ignoring with our 2nd miscarriage.

And I'm still disappointed in my mom with how she dealt with my 2nd miscarriage, essentially making it seem like it was because of something I did or didn't do. It still makes me angry to think that I had to deal with her on top of my miscarriage.

And my husband and I are conflicted on next steps. He wants biological kids so badly. He lost his dad at a young age and wants that connection. But he also doesn't want me to endure more drugs and the heightened expectations, appointments, mood swings and energy that goes into a fertility treatment. He also has a hard time conceptualizing adoption, which is what I really want us to look at as the next step.

We finally talked about all of this in more depth this week and it has helped. I think I can open my heart up to potentially doing more treatments and he's opened himself up to researching more about adoption and understanding the true toll treatments are on me.

So... counseling is helping for now.

Just When I Thought...

2010-10-04T09:13:00.000-04:00

Just when I thought I was doing so well staying positive, my mother leaves me a voicemail asking me if I'm mad at her for not calling in awhile.

First of all, I've been traveling and she knows this.

Secondly, I've been sad. Along with a whole host of complicated feelings that most people don't seem to get.

It takes energy to stay positive. And for whatever reason, I haven't really been reaching out to anyone. I wonder sometimes if I'm mildly depressed... I haven't wanted to see many friends, talk on the phone, go to church, etc.

And just when I think I'm over a sadness hump, there it is again.

Big cries with my husband last night. Same things... why don't people understand, why don't people reach out to me more, why can't I just enjoy this journey of life instead of thinking that children is our destination?

I'm ok for the most part. It just kicks me sometimes.

And I can't get a call like that from my mom. It's too much to put on me... 'are you mad at me?' NO! I'm not mad at you!!! I'm sad and can't deal with my own feelings right now.

I'm not mad at you but I also can't deal with your underlying negativity. It drains me. And I still harbor resentment about how you treated me after our last miscarriage. And I don't know how to answer the question 'how are you?' and because you don't seem to really understand, I don't want to talk about it with you. And other than talking with my husband about it, no one else seems to understand or say the right things. And I feel like I sound like a broken record. No one likes a pity party, right? So, it's just easier to not talk.

Trying to Stay Positive

2010-10-02T10:50:00.000-04:00

I've been pretty silent lately. This is the most I've gone without writing since I've started blogging.

I partially think that I don't have much to say right now. We're post- fibroid surgery. And nothing much has been going on except getting my energy back slowly (7 weeks now and still can't do the cow pose in yoga!!! hoping for a couple more weeks). I did start running this week and biking to/from work. That was big.

I have been traveling - to Chicago for work & fun... and to the NC Outer Banks for some relaxation with friends.

But mostly I've been trying to stay positive. I realize that I've been negative and just not feeling like myself. And wonder how it's affected my friendships, my family relationships, my marriage, and the relationship I have with myself. We've all gone through this "I just don't feel like myself" feeling.

So, I've been trying to focus on the positive and surround myself with positive thoughts and somehow focus on them more than I normally would with the hope that they will stay and radiate within me.

While in Chicago at an artistic bookstore, I bought this book called "The Little Things" that is visually pleasing where each page is dedicated to a postive thought with a quote. The titles alone are enough to keep me going:

Living with intention
Staying optimistic
Something to hope for
Having faith
Making every moment count
Being grateful
Taking the scenic route
Enjoying the journey

I want to fully embrace life NOW. I want to stop waiting for when we have children. I want to live in the now and radiate positivity.

I also want to believe in the future. This store also had these wall art frames (that I regret not getting) with the words: Love, Hope and Believe on them. I want this to be my mantra.

Rachel from The Pughs really helped too. She and her husband made an ah-mazing adoption book and throughout it radiates incredible love, faith, hope and positivity. Thank you, Rachel! You've helped to re-focus me and keep me positive!

It's Time for a Church Break

2010-09-19T18:09:00.000-04:00

It seems odd, doesn't it? I need comfort. And going to church is supposed to provide that for me. I'm supposed to find solace and support at the place where I'm most likely to feel closest to God.

And maybe that's part of the problem - being in the place where I feel closest to God. The place where I feel most vulnerable because it's where I can most feel God's presence and open up.

But honestly, it's been a loooong while since I've felt close to God. So, it's not just that.

The children at our church seem to almost be there on purpose to made me feel more sad - make me feel more deeply what I don't have. There seems to be a focus at our church right now on growing the congregation with young families, so even when there are just a couple of toddlers in the entire place, we still have a children's sermon. And it kills me every time I watch it happen. When am I going to get my chance at bringing my toddler up there?

And even if there really isn't this intended focus (which I think there is), I get fixated on it more. And I'm there for over an hour with no escape. I see the newborn so clearly and then strive to avert my gaze upon it. I see the pregnancies so poignantly and I try to fight back tears the entire hour.

And what's ironic is that this week I became inspired to just 'go with it' and really convinced myself to not be obsessive anymore about when this is all going to happen for us. And then Sunday morning happened, once again.

My Sunday morning has become about mustering up the energy to not cry when I'm in church. How fun is it to go somewhere knowing you're going to sit and have to distract yourself to fight back the tears?

I think it's time for a break. I can't brace myself each Sunday morning for this type of draining energy.

I don't want to take a break, and frankly, I don't understand why this is happening. Church is supposed to be comforting. So then, why isn't it right now???

Why More Downs Than Ups Right Now?

2010-09-12T21:27:00.001-04:00

I had a hard week. I couldn't get out of my funk of 'why not me?'. After hearing of our infertile friends this week who are now pregnant and not being able to figure out why I have these mixed feelings on it has just got me down. I am happy for them, but I'm also sad for us. But, why can't I just be happy for them and leave it at that? It doesn't always have to be about me...

And my best friend's growing tummy with #2, when we originally started trying to conceive around the same time, just keeps hitting hard to me that I'm almost at our 3 year infertile milestone. And it really hurts. And I've been anti-social in general as a result.

I went to church today because we had a big event and I felt I needed to be there for it. And I'm glad I had that excuse to go because I don't know that I would have wanted to muster the energy to go otherwise.

But as I sat there during service, looking over at my friend's growing baby in her body and our infertile friends who are now pregnant, I got the sadness for us again. Tears welled up and I just thought - here we go again. This is why I don't like coming to church when I feel like this. I see all kinds of families around me and I feel extra vulnerable and I just don't feel like crying on Sundays.

It's been a rough week and even though my fibroid surgery is supposed to bring me renewed hope, I'm having a hard time feeling it right now. I hope I can feel the hope again soon because this isn't fun...

Wanting to Scream

2010-09-07T16:50:00.000-04:00

I can't stand that I feel this way. I got 2 pregnancy news items today.

One was via my pastor who told me that the other couple in our church who has been 'out' with their infertility announced in church this past Sunday that they are 12 weeks along. I was extremely happy for them upon hearing this. And as the day wore on, I began feeling really upset for us. Why isn't it happening for us? Why does it feel like it's working for everyone else but us?

I know that's not necessarily true, but it sure feels like it today.

Then, my husband, who was calling to check on me after I emailed him that news also tells me that our close family friend told him today that they are 9 weeks along.

Grrrrrrrrrrrreat.

It's so hard not to feel sad. It's so hard to feel like it's always about everyone else.

And I know that if I take a huge step back and look at my life as a whole, I know our time is coming (in whatever way that is). But right now, just right this day, it's hard to feel that way.

Sleep. Eat. Read.

2010-09-06T17:51:00.000-04:00

That's what my vaca basically entailed. Here are some re-cap thoughts on our time in Edis.to, SC:

I was really tired still from fibroid surgery and slept A LOT
I felt the pangs of infertility watching the other 3 couples with their kids... us with none
My husband's friend's wives/girlfriends are great and were interested in knowing more about our journey
Ended up finding out that one of the women is 37, hoping to get married next year and also has a fibroid, and is scared about it affecting her infertility
Another woman is on her second pregnancy but has had recurring miscarriages - two before her first child and two before this current pregnancy
We ate a lot
There was a lot of book swapping going on therefore I got to read some good stuff
We played App.les to App.les one of my favorite games!

Here's a fun visual re-cap of our time (minus me sleeping!):

A Little Sadness Strikes on Vaca

2010-09-01T11:38:00.000-04:00

I want to be positive, I really do. But sadness can creep in, even on vaca... especially on this vacation.

I'm low energy still - 3 weeks in from fibroid removal surgery. I'm sleeping a lot and am not moving the way I'm used to moving.

I can't get in the water. It's not as bad as I thought due to the low energy parts, but it's still hard to not get fully in the water.

I'm still swollen in my abdomen area, which means when I do put on a bathing suit, it can feel a little snug and uncomfortable.

And there are kids all around me. When we booked this trip earlier this year, I knew it might be hard for me. Three other couples, all with 1-2 kids each. And us: none. True, we don't have to wake up at 7am like the other adults do, but I also don't get to have a toddler run up to me and give me a big hug as he says 'mommmmy' like the other adults get. And they don't have to walk the beach alone with tears spilling down their cheeks thinking about when someone will call them 'mommy' like I do.

And I got an email from my best friend yesterday who is planning another beach vacation away next month who has suggested that because my husband isn't coming that I should room with her toddler. (Who I love). But a bittersweet thought.

*******

Ok, piti-party over. I'm at a nice beach. Away from work. Away from responsibilities. It's relaxing and much-needed. And I'm lucky to have that all.

Just needed to unload the sad parts to move on and put a smile on my face and in my heart.

In My Mind I'm Gone to Caro.lina...

2010-08-28T18:43:00.000-04:00

South Carolina, that is! A much deserved and anticipated vacation that we planned in January of this year. We're off to Ed.isto Island, an hour south of Charleston, SC to share a house with some friends for the week.

I'm hoping for some major relaxation since I pushed it too hard going back to work this week after fibroid surgery 10 days ago.

Enjoy the last days of summer!

Anything Can Happen If You Let It

2010-08-24T09:15:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago we took my 6 year old nephew to see Ma.ry Pop.pins - and what a treat it was!

In fact, Ma.ry Pop.pins sent me an email yesterday, which is adorable (but for some reason I can't save the middle of this which bascially wants you to go to the face.book and twi.tter pages):

I couldn't get the song "Anything Can Happen if You Let it" out of my head yesterday. And it made me sooooo happy and sooooo positive & hopeful.

The play and all its songs are so whimsical, carefree and brought me back to a time in childhood when you can truly believe that anything is possible!

Pardon my over-optimism today but I'll share it with you in the hopes of infusing some happy thoughts into your day today!

Why Does it Seem Like Everyone's Child is Turning 1 Now?

2010-08-22T10:58:00.000-04:00

Gosh, I thought I was doing ok this week. Recovering from fibroid surgery isn't great and I'm still not back to myself. It's only been a little over a week...

It's been over 2 1/2 years of us trying to conceive with a lot of heartache throughout. And at the same time, this week, it seems like everyone is turning one. And it's painful to see.

It's painful to think that our child should at least be that age. That's how long we've been wanting him/her to be here with us. Why is it that between face.book postings and cards in the mail for birthday party invitations, I am feeling jealous... and left out. Left out of this motherhood club. Parenthood.

Yet, this week I've felt hope. I've felt hope in a way that I haven't in a really long time. And I'm scared because I've known hope before, and it's failed me each time. But I want to think this is different. I've heard of at least two people who were able to get pregnant after the removal of a fibroid.

And, God, I hope that's us too. Please let it be. I can't stand being jealous and left out anymore.

Road to Recovery

2010-08-17T13:56:00.001-04:00

Five days is all it's taken for me to feel normal again. Unbelieveable. Can't believe they can cut me, take out a 4cm fibroid and I'm pretty ok 5 days later. Thanks be to God... or the powers of the universe!

Thursday, the day before surgery was probably the hardest. "De-toxing" - those laxatives were NOT fun. Nor was not really being able to eat solids. I was hungry by 9:30am!

Friday went ok. The hospital was... hospitable. I only got really nervous as they were prepping me and I tried to throw up, at which time they said 'glad we did the bowel prep'. Ewww. I don't remember anything after that; they apparently gave me some 'calming' medicine.

I remember Friday being all about mor.phine and sleep... one hour at a time because they kept waking me to take my vitals.

Mor.phine was still my friend on Saturday, until they replaced it with its cousin per.co.cet. Turning over was hard, and I considered it a great feat when I went to pee for the first time, and I took a walk down the hall.

I went home Sun afternoon and haven't really needed much pain meds, luckily & gratefully. I've taken per.co.cet before going to bed to make sure I get a restful sleep but I haven't even needed much ad.vil during the day. Yay!

Thanks for all your support, thoughts, prayers and checking in on me!

Here's to positive feelings, a journey forward on this road to recovery!

ps - I also pooped today for the first time, which I'm happy about because it's supposedly a big deal :)

Recognition & Friday Freak-Out

2010-08-09T13:13:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it! Stirrup Queens recognized me on her (300th/200th) Friday Blog Round-Up with my post on liking kids! It was almost surreal to see my blog name listed there!

I was surprised... mostly because I felt funny posting it, because it's taken me an awfully long time to even remotely feel this way. And, as I probably figured, not many people commented from the Round-up. I wouldn't have thought so, even though I was secretly hoping for a few new readers.

It's a touchy subject and most/many of us are just not there, hardly at all. One of the things we struggle with a lot is feeling happy around other people's children.

This weekend ended my 2 weekend time with kids - we had my 6 year old nephew almost the whole weekend, taking him to see Ma.ry Pop.pins at the theater and then the next day to the park & zoo. We had tons of fun with him... and we were also completely & utterly exhausted when he left. And he's a good kid. It made me wonder what we'd be getting ourselves into when we finally do get on with our family building!

************
I'm also starting to freak out about the fibroid surgery this Friday. In looking through my paperwork last night, I didn't realize that I needed to be on a liquid diet on Thursday - and take laxatives starting at 4pm - every 15 mins for 2 hours. Gross!!!!!!!!

I'm so not looking forward to this AT ALL.

Ok, now I know I have to stop being such a baby about it and I know the end result will be fine but this all stinks!

Do you have any magical advice on getting me mentally prepared for this? Any post-op must do's/do not's?? I could really use them!

Back to Liking Kids

2010-07-31T07:56:00.000-04:00

I had to take a little breather - from being around kids, and particularly kids who are close to me: my nephews and my best friend's kid.

After our 3rd IUI in April/May in which I got pregnant for the 2nd time - and miscarried at 5 1/2 weeks for the 2nd time, I needed time.

I couldn't hear about every cute thing these kids did. I didn't want to see families at church or hear about how the nursery needs to grow. I couldn't be near parks. Baseball games with kids even made me sad.

It helped that my mom noticed and limited talk about our nephews. It helped to retreat and do my yo.ga. It helped to go on a trip with my best friend - without her kid. It helped to heal.

And I think I'm back. I've been excited to see my nephews again in the last couple of weeks. I quickly saw them Wed night, I'll be seeing them today to go to the pool and again next weekend to see Ma.ry Pop.pins.

If you haven't read Lily's book Infertile Inspiration at The Infertile Mind, please do. I've gone back and read it several times now. The statement on page 8 (if you download the book into pdf format) says:

You can impact a child's life at anytime.

That really resonates with me. I have great children in my life. I remember the adults in my childhood who made an impact. I want to be that person in children's lives who can make an impact. I'm ready to do that again.

Last night, I kept my best friend's toddler over at our place and I can't wait for him to wake up this morning. He is so cute and so much fun! We took him to the park last night, we'll take him again this morning. He makes lion noises when I ask him what his favorite animal is... (I think he really just likes the noise, not necessarily the animal!)

So, hopefully I'm back. Back to liking kids. Back to hearing what cute things they do. Back to taking them to the park or pool. Back to being the adult who can make an impact in another child's life, simply by being with them.

Giving the Benefit of the Doubt

2010-07-26T10:19:00.000-04:00

Oh, haven't we learned the importance of this golden rule in all of our relationships? Don't jump to conclusions... give people the benefit of the doubt? Especially to those who we know love us???

So, then why is this so difficult to actually do?

I learned this week... I learned once again to extend this grace to others. And in particular, to my mother-in-law.

I've been wanting us to be closer, and I've been disappointed somewhat by her lack of communication with me about everything IF related. When I first found out about the size of my fibroid and scheduling the surgery last week, I, of course, called my mom, and then a few days later I thought, you know, I ought to let her know too, the same as I would my own mom.

So, I wrote her an email on Friday along with other news, though the biggest one was my upcoming surgery. She wrote back but did not comment at all on my surgery. That lack of communication had my wheels spinning all weekend long...

Why can't we be closer?
Why wouldn't she have mentioned anything?
Did I give her too much information?
Is she uncomfortable with me sharing too much detail?
Is she just trying to be a good mother-in-law and give me my space?

I just didn't get it. And as I questioned these things with my husband last night, the phone rang. It was her.

It was her asking if she and my father-in-law could come over and help take care of me after the surgery.

Wow. Just wow.

Why didn't I give her the benefit of the doubt? And better yet, I learned from this and I know from now on that I will. Because I know she loves me.

Surgery's Scheduled & Feelin' Good

2010-07-22T20:03:00.000-04:00

Yes - I am feelin' good! At first I was feelin' scared but once I committed to the date for my fibroid-the-size-of-an-orange surgery, I started feeling like everything was going to be better!

Friday, August 13

When the surgeon coordinator asked if I was superstitious, I said no, so she scheduled me for Friday, the 13th!

It seems like it will work out ideally to minimize time away from work too, with major recovery over the weekend and hopefully working some from home that next week. Then hopefully one week in the office and then our week of vacation, where I will continue to recover.

So, that's the plan, Stan! And I am feeling like this is the right next step. I'm feeling postive about things, whereas I hadn't in awhile. Maybe sometimes just having a plan helps. I sure hope this will help us!

Happy July ICLW!

2010-07-20T21:29:00.000-04:00

I love ICLW - thank you for visiting if you're new and thank you for continuing to support me if you visit frequently. It makes me smile! :)

A bit about our journey: TTC since Jan 08. 3 IUIs. 2 miscarriages at 5 1/2 weeks (one requiring methotrextate - sp?). Fibroid the size of an orange discovered to potentially be the problem. Trying to get surgery scheduled so that we can be on our way to parenthood... somehow!

This blogland has saved me. I'm not sure what I would do without it... without you.

I leave you with this - a meaningful book that Lily from The Infertile Mind made called Infertile Inspiration. If you go to her website, you can view it in either video or pdf format. She's been an incredible friend to me. She's super creative and this book will warm your heart as as it did mine. Promise.

Happy ICLW! :)

The Size of an Orange, You Say?

2010-07-20T13:07:00.000-04:00

Whoa! That's how large my fibroid is! I can hardly believe it. An orange??? In there? And I never knew it?

Yeah, let's get that sucker out of there! Make room for a baby, please. Make my uterus hospitable finally! (They've called this fibroid making my uterus inhospitable!).

Next step is scheduling surgery, which will mean 1-2 days in the hospital, 3-4 days recovery and probably a week working from home. A month total till back to normal.

And because they have to get into the muscle too much, if I do get pregnant later, I'd have to have a c-section.

Oh well... all this doesn't sound fun, but if it gets us to where we want to be then, so be it!

In-Law Visit & Stranger's Loss Story

2010-07-19T08:57:00.000-04:00

We decided on a whim (even though I had been prodding my husband for weeks to plan this) to visit my in-laws this weekend - a 9 hour drive away - for my mother-in-law's birthday in the mountains of NC.

It was nice. Another peaceful setting:

What I thought was strange was that no one mentioned our recent miscarriage. Again. The one in May was our 2nd one and while I got nice emails from both my mother and father-in-law, you'd think they would have pulled me aside, given me a little hug, and said something.

It's just so bizarre. I can't understand it. I just can't. And should I mention again that they are pastors? All of them - mother, father, brother. Yes! So, they should be used to dealing with life's difficulties... I just don't get it.

******************

On the ironic front, I happened to be in conversation with a woman at a barbeque... her adult son was signing gospel at this church fundraiser and he had one of the most amazing voices I've ever heard. I asked her if he had any siblings, wondering if this talent was in the family.

She shocked me by saying that he was a twin but lost his twin and that was her only pregnancy. I said something like "I'm really sorry for your loss" and wanted to say more but couldn't think of what... and I couldn't tell if it felt strange bringing it up since this happened for her 25 years ago or if I can't possiblity know the definition of loss like she does. But I felt like saying "I know your pain more than you think."

... But do I? And would that have been appropriate? What would you have said?

And maybe that's why my in-laws didn't say anything this weekend. But one big difference is that my in-laws are not strangers. Though, I admit that I did feel a kinship with this woman knowing we've had similar struggles. Yet, she'll never know because I didn't say anything beyond "I'm sorry for your loss"...

Just What the Doctor Ordered... For Once!

2010-07-13T21:30:00.001-04:00

...or what I ordered - the weekend away with my best friend - just her and I, no husband and she did not bring her 1 1/2 year old.

It was marvelous! So needed. Everyone needs to remember how important time like that is. Sure, there was some talk of her child and some talk of my infertility but just a part of the conversation, not the entire conversation.

Lately, when we've been catching up quickly by phone it's her saying "oh, listen to what cute thing he did" or me saying "here's the latest on my infertility yo-yo". It got to be too much - I'm sure from both sides.

We laughed, talked about all kinds of life stuff including past, present, future, random thoughts, dreams - basically everything best friends talk about.

We used to go on vacations - a week somewhere when we were single & in our 20s, then it became a few days and in a group situation with husbands, and then it became none since her child. Even though it was just a weekend, we both felt like we were worlds away... and back in our friendship.

Just what I ordered and what everyone should order! Get back to that place, where the real, whole you can come out...

Some peaceful pics from our trip:

Needing Surgery

2010-07-12T21:13:00.000-04:00

After 3 IUIs, 2 that took but miscarrying at 5 1/2 weeks, my doc referred me to a surgeon to recommend I get a fibroid removed. That appt was this morning.

Ugh. No fun. Talked a lot with the surgeon about "what are the chances of staying pregnant if I have this surgery done?" And no real answers. They just can't say.

I need more info but apparently my fibroid isn't huge, but it's grown, and grown closer to the uterine lining, making my uterus 'inhospitable' he said. He recommended doing the surgery.

I'm a big baby. I don't take pain well, so I'm not thrilled about this recommendation especially not knowing how much it would increase our chances of staying pregnant. And because of the incision he'd have to do, I'd likely have to have c-sections in the future... if we get pregnant.

Surgery means 1-2 days in the hospital, 3-4 days recovery and 2-4 weeks lifestyle recovery. I just don't feel like dealing with this. I feel like I've been on such a yo-yo in general with inactivity and recovering from stuff - miscarriages...

Will I gain weight as a result of not exercising and then have to work hard to lose again? Getting bigger has had an impact on me psychologically, and just when I feel like I'm making progress on my weight, I'll bet this makes it worse again. I felt that way at Easter, so close to goal weight, feeling so good again, and we did another IUI, throwing a lot of my hard work away as I gained 5 lbs (I'm small so that makes a difference) again...

So, I'd like advice. Anyone out there had fibroids removed and were successful with pregnancies after? Heard of anyone who has? Anyone know statistics on increasing chances once fibroids are removed? I just want to know - if it's 10%, not sure that I want to do this but if it's 60% , then yes.

So, help me out please :)

Best Friend Time

2010-07-09T21:03:00.000-04:00

My best friend and I are going away together this weekend to a lake for some chill-just-us time. I can't wait. We need this so badly - or at least, I need this from us so badly.

She has a 1 1/2 year old who I just love, but as you can imagine, it's been a rocky road with dealing with my feelings about everything infertility and therefore, somehow even though this kid brings me joy, he can also bring on my sadness. He's about the age that I feel my child would be.

My best friend and I had both agreed to start trying around the same time - about 3 years ago. She took the lead though and started 4 months ahead of me. She got pregnant within 4 months but then had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. She got pregnant the following month.

I sometimes still can't believe that even with her set-back, she still has a 1 1/2 year old... and I have nothing. I try not to think about it too much - or think about it in that way. But it's hard not to.

And that's sometimes my biggest challenge. How do I let others' joys not become sadnesses to me?

I really need this weekend with her. Just her.

Broken Into

2010-07-07T22:24:00.001-04:00

Our house got broken into yesterday. They took 2 tvs, my work laptop, camera and ipod.

And you know what? I don't care.

Yeah, interesting view, huh?

I think we are very lucky to have homeowner's insurance. Nothing sentimental got taken (thank goodness I wore my engagement ring that day - I almost didn't). I think it may help that I got broken into about 10 years ago. It doesn't seem as frightening.

But I think infertility has put perspective on things. The trauma I feel I'm going through right now just doesn't compare. As my husband says 'it's just stuff'. And as Rebecca eloquently puts it with dealing with her grief and what she's learned: We would trade every material thing we have to have our daughter healthy & with us.

So, take all the tvs you want... I just want a baby.

Operation: Get My Body Back - Week 6

2010-07-06T16:53:00.000-04:00

I haven't been highlighting this program week to week necessarily but it's still going on!

How are you doing with it?

I had a little set-back after my trip to NYC but I worked really hard at it last week, even over the 4th of July weekend and I'm back down to where I was before NYC. My weigh in is Thursday, so I hope I can maintain this or make it better!

I keep being inspired by what my friend, Hannah says: "If I'm not pregnant, I'm going to be skinny."

And I was feeling skinnier this morning. Just gotta keep it up. And how, you ask?

Writing it Down! Yes, ladies (and gentlemen!) - it does work. I'm so less likely to eat more if I write it all down!
Exercise. Well, it's too hot for running this week, which is too bad because I was starting to get back into it, having ran 2x last week. BUT I am committed to bik.ram yoga (yes, I'm self-torturing by going into a hot room!). I did that 4x last week. Yay!
Weighing In. I felt it was too cruel to weigh in last week and attend my meeting after having indulged so much on my trip and having gotten my period. BUT I will this week. The Thurs meeting speaker is a barrel of laughs, so I feel like I'm going to a mini-comedy show on Thursdays at lunch!

How's your week going? I've been inspired by some of you...

Who else inspires me? Did you know that Sweet Pea started a blog called The Weight is Over. I'm loving it! And I actually really love the Wei.ght Wat.chers' CEO's blog too - Man Meets Scale. Check it out for your inspiration!

Not Such an Uphill Road but an Incline?

2010-07-05T11:28:00.000-04:00

I'm stuck on this journey feeling like it's a steep, steep uphill road with no end in sight - no ultimate goal in sight - our own biological children.

But does it have to seem that way? How can I make it not seem so hard, so far out of sight?

A friend who recently went through infertility problems gave me her insight when I explained my latest quandry over these thoughts and I thought I'd share them since they've seeped in and made me look at things in a different way:

I know that feeling extremely well. I felt so often like I couldn’t even get out of the gate, how was I ever going to get to the finish line. But I do really believe that it can’t be that challenging at each step, just a matter of getting past the one that is holding you (one, I mean, not you specifically) up. Does that make sense?

Like for me, if I could just produce enough eggs for them to get a couple, the rest of the steps should be doable. And for you, once you get past whatever is stopping them from sticking, the other steps won’t be an issue (or any more than they would for any other person). Does that bring any comfort? It helped me, just knowing it wasn’t entirely up hill, just a really steep incline for that one step!

I hope she's right. One steep incline. Okay. I can do this.

I think...

Marching On, But Continued Grief

2010-07-01T10:00:00.000-04:00

I still can't get Rebecca out of my heart and mind. My thoughts continue to surround her as she grieves for her baby girl who was born too soon and left our world too early. (((Hugs))), Rebecca...

And then I saw this post from Sara, who I met during June's ICLW. It's called Who is This Person? It's a great post that I'm sure many of us can relate to. As I commented on her page: I just want to be normal again... to be happy when I see others with their babies, especially my best friend's whose baby is the age mine would have been had we gotten pregnant relatively early on.

And my journey continues... with an MRI this morning, bright and early at 6:45am. Not eating or drinking beforehand. My doc wanted to check out my fibroid before moving to recommended surgery. Have you ever had an MRI?

It was a miserable experience for me - at least at first. I knew I was clautophobic but I surprised myself with how I reacted. Just thinking about it makes me want to hyperventilate again.

As soon as they put me in, I asked to be taken out and I started to cry saying that I didn't think I could do this today. The tech calmed me down and said that he could remove the pillow and let me look out the back way if that would be better. So, we tried that. And it worked.

I still didn't like it but I just tried to keep breathing. Yoga actually helped in this case - I just kept focusing on my breath (though not taking deep breaths was hard!).

And all I kept thinking of was this is for the greater cause, remember the purpose and if this is what is needed to bring me my children, my family, then I'll stick through this.

I told myself the same thing 2 months ago when I posted Scared of Self Injection but unfortunately, that didn't bring me my baby. I have a feeling I'm going to have to go through many, many more steps before that happens and I'm trying to take that information in while continuing to breathe.

Friend's Loss - Needs Support

2010-06-28T20:49:00.000-04:00

I'm just logging back on after having been away for a few days and read the most unimaginable post.

I've felt like I've grown close to Rebecca, enjoying her posts, finding her in my infancy of blogging and was compelled to want to continue with her on her journey after she had a successful IVF shortly after I met her online.

On Sunday, at 22 weeks, she prematurely went into labor and only had her daughter for a few minutes. I couldn't believe when I read her posting Unimaginable Loss. What the heck is this about? was my first reaction and then I got scared. I clicked on it and immediately said Nooooooo and started to cry and I kept reading.

My heart go out to her and her husband. So incredibly unfair!!!

Please, please give her your support. I know many of you follow her already and know you've visited with her. She could use many, many hugs right now.

My Brother's Comments on FB

2010-06-23T13:23:00.000-04:00

I feel terrible that my brother's comments on face.book affect me the way they do. He probably doesn't even realize it (of course he doesn't!) and even if he did, it's my problem. They shouldn't affect me like this...

My brother has a 2 1/2 year old son and a 6 year old step-son. We love them both dearly.

Recently, with his wife's brother and sister-in-law's anniversary, he posted "make my boys some cousins tonight." It really affected me. I know, he has a weird sense of humor to begin with (not sure that I would've posted something like that...) but I couldn't help but think that we want to make his boys some cousins - and in fact, they would already likely have one by now if we weren't faced with infertility!!!

I did think it was slightly insensitive on his part, but then again, even though he knows of our struggles, he has no idea how an innocent thing like that can come across.

And on father's day, he posted, "he did it! it was, like, 11:30pm but [my son] slipped it in in the nick of time, giving me my 1st ever "happy father's day." i thought i was gonna have to wait til next year."

Sweet, right? Yeah, well, it should be, but bitter sad me can't help but read that with a pained heart. Where's our child who will say happy father's day to my husband???

As you can see, I'm having a particularly hard time handling these types of things right now. How do you all handle comments like this? Any advice on how I can 'buck up' and not take it so personally??? :)

Welcome June ICLW!

2010-06-21T08:27:00.000-04:00

How can it be this far into June already??? :) Welcome newcomers and thank you to my faithful readers who would stop by anyway! IComLeavWe is an exciting week as we discover new bloggers!

My short journey: Been married for 3 1/2 years, ttc for 2 1/2, 3 IUIs and 2 miscarriages both at 5 1/2 weeks, and recommended fibroid surgery this summer. All this leaves me in a state of flux, which is why this community has been so incredibly amazing to me! I love how we can relate to each other, sometimes much better than our real life friends. Check out my last posting if you're new called On Being a Good Friend because it's oh-so hard to be one & infertility can and does affect friendships. I think many of you could see yourselves in it.

Other happenings:

NYC Next Up: a mini-vacation this coming weekend to NYC for a childhood friend's wedding. We both grew up in Montreal and found each other again about 8 years ago. She says I'll be her oldest friend at the wedding! We'll also be staying with my dear college friend and hopefully having a blast in one of my favorite cities!!
India. I love my job in HR & we're opening an office in India, so am excited about going over there at some point TBD but likely very soon to help open it up officially, recruit & give the new team some TLC.
Operation: Get My Body Back. I've been on a kick to lose the weight I put on during tcc. Like my good friend Hannah says - if I'm not pregnant, I'm going to be skinny! I just love that! She inspired me and many have joined me along this journey.

This past week was great - I weighed in finally since the miscarriage and I think I've already lost since then! I did bik.ram yoga 4x and ran 1x. I made smart eating choices and stuck to my points (more or less) - went over only 5 total all week! How did you do?
This week I commit to bik.ram yoga 4x again - maybe even 5x (once in NYC??)! Running 1-2x, writing everything down again, making smart choices (cantalope has been one of my favorites) and weighing in. What will you do?

So, thanks for stopping by - feel free to comment on your struggles, On Being a Good Friend, NYC, India, Operation: Get My Body Back or whatever else! I'm glad you're here! :)

On Being a Good Friend

2010-06-18T13:53:00.000-04:00

I don't think I'm being a good friend righ now & I'm struggling with how to be one.

I usually am a good friend. I'm there, I listen, I empathize, I take interest in what my friends are doing, etc., etc.

But somehow with infertility, I can't fully do it. At least not now. And I feel like I'm being a crummy friend.

My best friend has the cutest kid. In fact, I'm his "god-aunt". Yet, it's painful for me to hear about the cute things he's doing. And she's pregnant again.

Her pregnancy actually prompted me to do our 3rd IUI. She, like many of us, is a planner, and she was going to wait to 'try' in March because she didn't want another December baby but her husband was going to be gone in April & May and she didn't want to wait that long (to which she also said that she could really feel for me... she couldn't wait 2 months to try, meanwhile I've had this struggle for 2+ years), so they went ahead and tried in March... and it worked.

That was the weekend I asked "so, what's going on with planning for #2?" to which she answered "I'm a week late". That's when I knew I had to do something about me & scheduled my Day 3 appt to get started on another IUI, which ended up not working.

She feels badly talking about her pregnancy with me. We were excited at the thought of going through pregnancy together and it pains her to see what I'm going through.

It's hard on me to not be able to be a true friend to her. She's been my best friend for over 15 years. We're supposed to be sharing these milestones together.

Infertility is affecting my friendships.

I finally told her that I just need time away with her. We used to go on vacations, just she & I. And I need that again. So, that's what we're doing. July 10th weekend.

I can't wait to have my best friend back again... and be her best friend in return. I hope that can happen, if only for a couple of days in vacation-land.

The Tears Finally Came

2010-06-16T10:26:00.000-04:00

I was wondering where they were, yet I knew they were lurking. The tears hadn't come.

I was too busy. Too pre-occupied with work, with weekend travel and plans, with focusing on other things.

Last week, I started going back to bik.ram yoga. I noticed the sadness surfacing again. It's been only 3 weeks since my miscarriage and I hadn't allowed myself the space to really grieve.

I went to yoga again Monday night and noticed the sadness again, and then last night, it finally hit. We have a 2 min break or savasana in between the standing and floor series, and normally, the instructor talks. But we had a new person last night and they let it be silent. And that's when I almost broke down.

It didn't really happen until after I got home, showered and was sitting on the couch with my husband. I just broke down. The ugly cry.

It needed to happen. All the questions, frustrations, sadness... letting it all hang out there.

Why is this such a difficult and long road for us? How can I have had two miscarriages already... and after fertility treatments? Why am I not getting the support and empathy I need from friends and family? Why do I feel that others may be thinking that I miscarried (both times) at 'just' 5 1/2 weeks, so it doesn't 'really' count to be this sad...

Why did my mom have to turn things into a drama about her? Why have my friends not really said more to me? Why does it feel good to have my parents refrain from talking about my nephew so much and why does it hurt so much when my friends talk about their kids so much?

I'm just so sad. And I know I need to let myself be sad. It just hurts so much to be childless right now. And after so much effort. I know I need to continue to put forth the effort because it's what I really want. But it just hurts.

Operation: Get My Body Back - Week 3

2010-06-13T22:11:00.000-04:00

I am loving this new initiative I created and love that so many of you have gotten behind it! It's inspiring to me to read about what you're doing!

Here's where I am:

Writing down what I eat: I did a pretty good job this week, of course until we traveled and I was away on Sat & Sun and probably eating more poorly than I would have otherwise
Weighing in: I still need to sign back up for WW (I let my monthly pass lapse when we did our last cycle)... I will do that this week AND weigh in. The Thursday leader is such a comedy show - I really enjoy going that day! My unofficial weigh in Friday night was decent but I need to make this official so I can actually track
Exercise: I ran 1x this week, rode my bike everyday to work and to after work events and did bik.ram yoga 2x - I LOVE bik.ram yoga - it makes me so much more conscious of my body and what I'm putting in it. It's also what really brought my weight down earlier this year, after the last miscarriage.
This Week: I commit to bik.ram yoga 3-4x, 1-2 runs, biking to work, writing down what I eat and keeping to my points allotment!!! and weighin in.

And in other news:

Travel to NJ - We went to NJ this weekend for my cousin's baby's puja, which is an Indian version of a baptism. It was really nice to see them all again. And we took my parents too, so was nice to have some family time. BUT all that travel has got me exhausted!!
India project - Work continues to be busy with our Indian office operations... we have some big meetings this week to decide our timelines for everything. I'd still like to know when I'm going!!

And on the IF front:

I need to schedule an MRI and then get a consult w/a doc who will do a fibroid surgery on me. I'd like to try to get this done in July, probably travel to India in Aug, and then try for another cycle in Sept/Oct.
I feel like I've been too busy to process the miscarriage, which is partially good. I also feel like many people's prayers must be working, which may be why I'm not feeling the impact of the pain as much
I found myself, though, almost wanting to cry when I did bik.ram yoga this week. Something about that yoga brings out the emotions, so that's good that it surfaces, I guess...
I've been a pretty bad commenter lately, but I am reading & trying to comment when I can. Once works returns to a bit more normalcy, I'll get back into it :)

Happy beginning of the week & for Operation: Get My Body Back, tell me how you did last week & what you are committing to for this week!

Operation: Get My Body Back - Week 2

2010-06-07T09:38:00.000-04:00

What a week last week! I was so busy that it was nice to keep my mind off of IF and the recent miscarriage... in fact, I feel like there must be an influx of people praying for me because I've felt very shielded by my sadness.

Either that or I am just really busy and helps to have other things to focus on such as:

1. Our annual company event - it was so great! I worked so incredibly hard last week. We had about 75 employees come (about 1/2 from other locations/offices) for a day of team building activities in a hotel conference room & then about 40 people's significant others came for an evening bowling event. So, so fun. And so, so exhausting. But... I didn't have time to sleep this weekend because I was moving onto:

2. Furnishing a room for a room in a safe house for sex traf.ficking survivors. My church works with Courtney's House. The founder herself is a survivor of sex traf.ficking and is now giving her life back to helping others get off the streets. Did you know that the entry point into 'prostitution' is 12 years old? TWELVE years old! Unbelievable. Breaks my heart. But makes me so much more motivated to do something to help. We got some great furniture from craigs.list - and get this - after the person found out what we were doing with the furniture, they gave it to us for free!! And went to Target to really outfit this place right. I'll post pics once we're done with it in a couple more weeks. So exciting!

3. Operation: Get My Body Back - Week 1. Didn't do great with it last week. Tried to make good choices. I started off strong by trying to exercise, twice in one day even, but I actually kept bleeding all week still from the miscarriage, so decided to start off slower. And with the company event, I only wrote down what I ate until Wed...

4. Operation: Get My Body Back - Week 2. I'm going to try to do better this week though I'm still unsure of exercise. I'm still exhausted. I'll give it a couple of days. Still biking to work though! AND I will write down everything I eat this week. I stocked the fridge with strawberries, peaches, raspberries, cherries & apples along with lots of salad fixings and veggie burgers! I'm also going to go weigh in this week, which I haven't done in 6 weeks. I'm a bit scared but it's the right thing to do! :)

I've been very motivated & inspired by your comments on exercise & weight loss too, so keep 'em coming!!! How'd you do this past week and what are your intentions for this week?

Celebrity Musings, Exercise & Happenings

2010-06-02T21:28:00.000-04:00

Goodness - have you all heard of Ce.line Di.on's news? Her 6th IVF was successful - with twins. Six. Six!

I can't even begin to imagine what six might feel like. Geez. So amazing for her. Makes me wonder if I should start doing acupuncture (she did). Congrats to her!

And what's this with Al and Tip.per??? I just don't get it. My pastor wrote a very thought provoking blogpost called Usefuleness if anyone is interested. It questions how & why we make relationships expendable... interesting spiritual food for thought.

************
Operation: Get My Body Back started out strong... I went running yesterday morning - 3 miles. AND I went to bik.ram yo.ga last night but I started to not feel well. At all. In fact, 1/3 of the way in, I had to lay down on the mat, for the rest of the time. That's a long time. The class is 1 1/2 hours long. I felt miserable.

My stomach hurt when I got home. I thought maybe I was dehydrated. My dear husband made me some food. I felt better.

Then at 3am, I woke up with blood dripping down my leg and blood all over the sheets. I couldn't believe it. My period had ended 2 days ago. I just had pantyliner blood during the day yesterday. This, though, was an incredible amount.

Luckily B was sleeping in another room (forgot to get Clar.itin and he snores pretty loudly without it!), so cleaning up all that blood was not disruptive to him. But not fun at 3am either.

So... I decided to take the exercise easy for now. I may run or swim tomorrow but no yo.ga. That is intense and I have to ease back into this. My doc said that blood may be leftover disruption from the miscarriage.

I'm excited for those of you who were interested in Operation: Get My Body Back... so let's keep at it! What have you done so far this week?

************
In other news, I'm excited for our annual Company Day on Friday. Being in HR, I'm essentially responsible for putting it altogether - presentations and team building activities. All 80 of our employees will be in town from other offices and signficant others are invited to a bowling event in the evening.

And then I'm excited for Saturday. Our church works really closely with this organization called Court.ney's Hou.se, which gets girls out of prostitution and into safe houses. It's remarkable work. This weekend, our church is putting together one of the rooms in this safe house. We painted last week and I'll be going over this weekend to get furniture we've gotten from craigs.list and get nice inspirational things for the walls, etc. So incredibly meaningful and had kept me going recently.

Operation: Get My Body Back!

2010-05-31T21:41:00.000-04:00

I'm officially inspired to get my body back. And of course I say this at the start of the busiest week of the year for us - our annual Company Day is this Friday and I'm responsible for all the activities, presentations, etc. Yes, stressful week...

So, Operation: Get My Body Back may have to officially start Mon, June 7 :)

But this week I commit to: writing down what I eat each day, making sound decisions and exercising 2x before Friday.

I took about a month off of exercise and kinda 'let myself go' a bit... and packed on a couple/few more lbs.

This past December, I joined Wei.ght Wat.chers (which I had done 8 years ago with success) and dedicated myself to bik.ram yoga... and by Easter, I was down to 3 lbs to goal weight. Yes!

Easter took a few weeks to recover from... and then we went straight into a cycle, so pumped up with drugs made me take a couple of more steps back. I think I'm somewhere around 5-6 lbs to goal weight now. I think I can do it this summer, I really do.

And... I had Hannah at I Will be a Mom Someday inspiring me with her post last week - Losing my Pre-Pregnancy Weight. I love how she starts by saying "If I'm not pregnant, I'm going to be skinny."

Hannah emailed me last week and turned out we had the same few lbs to lose, so while I believe she may be a few steps ahead of me, we are positively going to motivate each other to get there. It was so encouraging to get that note from her!

Anyone else want to join in?

If so, state your intentions for the week and then report back on how you did! Make them realistic yet a little out of your comfort zone. Yes, you can do it!!

Thank You

2010-05-29T08:26:00.000-04:00

You all are the best! Your support this week has meant the absolute world to me. It kept me going. I just find this community absolutely incredible when it comes to support, understanding and doling out love.

For those who regularly follow me, thank you for weeping along with me this week. And for those new to me, thank you for coming over to give me support during this time.

Thank you to whoever put my news on Lost and Found and Connections Abound. I got so much love from this.

The Infertile Mind wrote the sweetest post this week on Reflections on Miscarriages, mostly about me and how her own thoughts on miscarriage ebb and flow in her life. It's so powerful. She has an amazing way with words where you just feel her love oozing through. It felt like a gigantic amazing hug!

Determined to Have Joy wrote a post this week called Life. We've grown close through this blogging world so I can't help but see hints of what I went through this week in a bit of her post. I've added it as part of My Favorite Posts on the right. I just love what she says! Thank you!!

I am just so grateful to all of you and for our community. My heart is just bursting with love for you all. Thank you, thank you for being there for me this week.

I'm doing much better. I really went into this not as hopeful so the actual pregnancy was a nice surprise and while it hit me hard with the miscarriage news, I'm rebounding better than I did last time.

I'm sore from yo.ga but glad to have bought my 3 month summer pass. I'm glad to be back on my bike ride to work. I'm glad to be going to India for work this summer without worry. I'll be glad to put the running shoes back on.

And I'm glad for this long weekend. We're off to Atlanta for a close friend's wedding. I hope I can be in a 'happy enough place' to enjoy the happy event and put on the happy face. And hope to enjoy some quality time with my husband.

Hope you all have a great long weekend whether you're going somewhere, relaxing, bbq'ing or whatever! :)

Yesterday

2010-05-27T06:01:00.000-04:00

First of all, THANK YOU all so, so incredibly much for all your outreach so far. It's been truly amazing and has kept me going. I tell you, there's just nothing like our community. It really pulls us through. I cannot tell you how much it helped to keep seeing messages come in...

Especially after my afternoon. After I wrote my update and had talked to my husband, I called my mom. Big mistake. In fact, I've learned a huge lesson to not tell her next time we're going through treatment.

I was more or less ok & dealing, particularly after I talked with my husband, but then she had the nerve to say to me "maybe you walked too much" and "maybe you should have gone to the hospital right away". Ohhhhhhh, I wasn't going to take that.

I said, "this is not my fault. There is nothing I did or didn't do to cause this and I can't believe you're saying this to me when I'm in enough pain already." We just got off the phone. I called my dad at work and explained. He said he'd talk to her and he even urged me not to tell her next time we do this because he recognizes she can say insensitive things...

So, I left work... and left a big project that I couldn't concentrate on and feel badly that I didn't get it to my boss and just walked around the block and sat down and cried outside.

She called back later to apologize and by then I was more or less ok, BUT then she starts crying saying "I feel like I've lost a grandchild today." Goodness sakes!!! This isn't about you - it's about me. I'm sorry, but it just is. That's what I wanted to say but she was in pain and I wasn't going to cause her more pain. I just know I won't tell her anything the next time we do this. I've learned my lesson big time.

This whole thing with my mom is really too bad and ironic, actually. Here I am, wanting kids so badly and here she is saying all the wrong things to her child in pain. I just don't get it. I really hope that when we have children, I don't cause this type of added pain to them when they're going through something hard.

Onto next steps: fibroid surgery sometime this summer & try again this fall hopefully.

Until then, I wish I could just take some time off but I need to get through these busy projects at work and we're going to Atlanta for a wedding this weekend... and I wish we weren't going. I really just want to wallow for now. But I can't.

Immediate next step: excited to have bought a 3 month unlimited summer pass to my beloved bik.ram yo.ga studio. It helped me during my last miscarriage. I think it will help again.

Thanks again for your love, support and kindness. I give you all (((hugs))) back!