Blessings

What a difference 6 months makes... and being on meds... and therapy. 

I just feel so grateful for what we have, a beautiful almost 4 year old and focusing on him and what we have has been a blessing. We are so blessed. He is a blessing to us and I can't believe my lucky stars that I get to be a mom to this incredible human being.

It really feels amazing to not focus anymore on what isn't there, on what was sad, on dreams not lived out... because honestly, my life has turned out better than I could have thought it would. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful and fun boy, and, and, and so much more!

I am blessed to be in this place. 💗

Why Not Adopt?

 I know why I can't adopt but this nagging thing in my mind keeps surfacing asking me again and again, almost like I need to prove it to myself why I can't. So let me list the reasons right here:

• I'd have to convince B
• We're old, we don't have the energy we once had
• We're old, and unlikely to get picked
• There would be a whole new checklist of things to do
• I don't know if I could bare further loss if someone changed their mind
• My mental health has been pushed to its limits and I need to take care of me
• I want to have enough energy for D and my marriage

I still see all of that and think why I can't I just persevere through all of that if what I really want is a second child??

Such a big part of who I am is going after what I want. When I was told I couldn't run, I played soccer anyway; when I was told I'd go to community college, I didn't let that stand in the way of going to a 4-year school; I've lived abroad; I've traveled a lot; I moved downtown without much emotional support, etc. 

My brother toasted me on the night before our wedding and said "When you want something, you just go after it, girl!"

And it's true and was so true with having D come into our lives. I persevered BIG TIME for that, even at the expense of my mental health. 

I also strongly do not want to operate my life out of fear - in fact this sits on a shelf right infront of my bed:

But D's here now and that makes it different. We're older too. And I'm facing mental health issues again. And maybe it's not fear that is driving my decision but it's what feels right for right now in our lives and knowing that the whole process isn't easy ( to the "why don't you just adopt!" people) and there's risk with further loss without the guarantee that it would work, and I've just been through too much.

I guess as much as I would've wanted another child (and would accept a healthy baby right now if one landed in my lap), I don't know that I can put myself through all of that without the guarantee.

And maybe if I wasn't a mother, it would be different and I would persevere and do it. But I am a mom and I need to think of being the best mom to him and the best person to me.

So I guess my hope is that I'm leading a happy life. I want to get to a place where I feel resolved about it, knowing it'll probably still hurt in the future at times that I don't have another child, but where I can feel so blessed about what we do have because I have so much to feel blessed about.

PS - my increased meds have also gotten me back to feeling more like myself so I'm also grateful to not be feeling blah anymore. :)

Feeling Blah

 Trying to get over this loss has really left me feeling blah. I can't believe I'm dealing with depression and anxiety again. My therapist actually doesn't think I'm depressed - we did an inventory and it doesn't seem so but it sure feels like depression. She says it's grief. Whatever it is, I don't like it.

Two weeks ago, I called my psychiatrist to get back on meds. I thought starting at a small dosage would be good but after a week I didn't feel anything different, then we upped it a bit more and still nothing. I'm hoping I can up it again this week and feel better and if not, maybe upping it even more.

I've heard that many people have had to increase their meds during co.vid so it wouldn't surprise me if I had to. I just feel like I'm dealing with a whole lot more than "just grief".

Work isn't going great. I haven't loved Mondays in awhile... and in fact, I'm writing this at 9am on a Monday because I don't feel like diving into work. It's been hard for two reasons: 1) I think my performance has suffered as a result of all these grief feelings and 2) I feel like I'm being unfairly scrutinized by top leadership for the diversity practices I want to put in place which has led me to think more about whether this is really a place for me long-term or whether it's better I stay and try to make incremental progress. I just don't know if it'll ever get better between me and the leader of my company so I'm not quite sure what to do other than I know not do to anything now while I'm not feeling quite myself. 

I had an interview a couple of weeks ago for a position more senior to what I am now and I don't think it went well. I don't think I had that experience or the leader and I didn't jibe or I wasn't feeling super confident. There's part of me that feels like maybe it's better I hang up my hat on being a leader and go be number 2 somewhere else where it may be less stressful... who knows. I'll decide when my meds have me in a better place.

B has also been working A TON and not very present and having me feel like I'm doing more solo parenting and also making me feel like I can't really plan travel which I love and need to do. 

So I just did another trip with D solo to a state park which was really fun and I want to take advantage of Labor Day weekend but B won't commit just yet so I'm half tempted to just book the place and if he comes great and if not, D and I will go alone again which isn't really what I want. I want to take him tubing and think it'll be better with all of us. 

I just mostly want my energy and pep back. I'm sick of feeling this way and not myself. 

I also wonder if "turning the page on the calendar" tomorrow and not having it be August anymore will help. This was a tough month that's for sure.

Due Date Processing & This is Us

 Friday was so, so hard. Or at least it started that way.

I woke up crying into my pillow. It just sucked to have to face what that day was.

I then saw a beautiful text from K that I haven't been able to fully process till now. I just re-read it. I then got a text from my best friend, J. And both of those just made me loose it. I couldn't stop crying. 

I couldn't muster energy to exercise. Grief. It's strong. Couldn't exercise Thursday either.

I just kept crying in the car too. It just sucks. To think that that was the day I was supposed to get to meet and hold my baby... and instead my baby didn't get to grow, didn't get to make it, didn't get to be a part of our lives. 

And not just that baby, but the 5 total tries since D was born. That we had 5 embryos and we thought for sure, the next 1-2 would work... and the fact that we had to endure two early losses with my cousin, N. And then two failed attempts with K, (and for me to process that those 4 were girl embryos and that I'd been preparing that whole time that D would have a sister and that we'd get to use our perfect girl name(s). And then to then have that last one, the little boy, make us guess when the numbers weren't rising properly (was that a sign? no, they told us it wasn't), and to be so relieved that there was a heartbeat when we thought there was a good chance there wouldn't be, and to make it all the way to 14.5 weeks to have a defect. How does all of that happen to us???

I had painted some rocks with little A's name plus the two girl names... and then almost forgot them, we were a block away and came home to get them. Thank goodness. 

I wanted to release them pretty soon after we got in the water just to be able to move on. So we took them out and B said some nice things like 'we had so much love in our hearts for you to come into our lives' and then released them.

And it was cathartic. 

Our float/tubing was much quicker than we anticipated (an hour and a half, it had been raining a lot that week so the water was flowing more quickly than normal), so we decided to do it again. And so glad we did. It was almost like the first float was about processing the baby and the 'what could've beens' and the second float felt much lighter. Almost like a date. (We realized we hadn't spent time like that in awhile, just concerted time just the two of us).

We had gone to a store nearby beforehand to get lunch stuff. It was actually a store that was close to where D and I had recently gone to a goat farm and there were these nice decorative rocks there and I decided to get one. It felt like releasing the other rocks and then picking a rock as a 'move forward' rock felt right.

The saying feels a bit trite right now because of the show but it also feels right. 

I want to focus on my blessings. I want this other stuff behind us. 

So this is laying in our backyard right now and feels good.💗

You Are Loved

 Dear Little A,

I should be preparing to hold you today. Today's your due date and who knows when you might have chosen to come or if we would've had to induce you but I'm choosing to think you would've come today, on your due date.  That I would've been anticipating all day and hoping all would've been going well with your delivery and then welcoming you into my arms, getting to hold and coddle you, and love you. Finally. 

You would've gotten to become D's brother this day. And he would've loved you so much. (He loves babies). (I'm sure he would've been jealous, at least at first, but you would've loved you).

I'm really sad today. I'm sad I don't get to meet you. I'm sad that we worked so hard for you to come to our lives, into life, into our family, and it didn't work out. I'm sad I don't get to hold you. I'm sad I don't get to be your mommy.

I would do anything to have all of that come true. To have our dreams come true today.

I don't know why this happened or why it had to happen. I don't even really believe in reasons. I think it was completely random. That we got into the 2nd trimester and something still went wrong, that your abdominal wall wasn't forming properly and your heart stopped beating. 

That was an awful day for me. I was so naive that I didn't even really think that that was a possibility. I thought they were just having trouble with the machine. 

It's weird to think I was even feeling guilt over having you work out, that after 5 attempts, you had finally worked and I was going to get my two kids, that you'd be one of them. I was feeling like why do I get to have my dreams come true? 

And the thing is I need to be sad today. I need to let it out and grieve your loss. 

And then I want to move on. My dreams have largely come true. I've gotten to be a mom to D, your dad is an amazing husband and dad, we have such a great life together and you will always be in my heart. But I also can't keep carrying this. Life is for the living. And yes, I'm sad about you. Extremely sad. But I can't keep being sad. There is too much in life to be happy about and I want to be a happy person. I know that in order to do that I need to make space to be sad about you, and I am, and have been. I have a necklace to honor you. I have a rock painted with your name on it (and the sisters that never came into our lives either) and ready to do something with your dad today where we can talk about what today might've been like, what you might've been like, what having another boy in our family would've been like, how you and D would've been together.

Ah, I miss you so much already. It's so not fair that you couldn't be here today. It's so not fair. I wish I could've held you. I really do. You mean so, so much to me. You are so incredibly loved. You'll be in my heart always.

Working Toward Re-Resolution

I just re-read my May 2 post and I can't believe how much I backtracked since then. I just didn't make the space to process and that's how I backslid. I forgot all those May 2nd feelings, all the work that got me there... but I also think that getting off my meds allowed me to feel again, and so I felt it. I felt it all.

And I got stressed and didn't have time for myself, for B, for me/us to process. And here I am, July 16, after having weekly sessions with my therapist again for at least the last month or so, and our conversation today was all the things I wrote on May 2nd.

Yes - NONE OF THIS IS EASY.

And I was back in dreamland with what ifs... well, the what if that can only be real to me is: what if someone said, I have a newborn to hand you right away, the parents have given up their rights and it's available to you. YES, then, yes, I would jump through hurdles to get that baby.

BUT that's not going to happen. It just isn't and even me thinking that it could, that it might is detrimental to me... because it puts me back in limbo-land, in anxiety-land, in possible depression-land.

I can't handle the anxiety-producing part-time job with no guarantees it would mean if we opened the door again. Adoption or surrogacy with donor egg, both of those are too risky, too anxiety producing and too much filled with no guaranteed outcome. (We had 5 embryos and two healthy surrogates and nothing to show for it).

So, I have to move on. I just have to. And unfortunately, it's not what I would have chosen. But it's what I have to choose now. For my sanity. For my mental health. For me. For my marriage. For my family.

I want us focused on us. Me on me, B and I on us, and the three of us on us.

We have a child. I think it would be different if I still weren't a mom. But I am. And I'm so grateful for that and am amazed by it still.

Of course it's sad that little A was almost in our grasp. That he would be coming into our lives about a month from now had everything gone smoothly.

But that didn't happen.

(And there's no guarantees that it would've been perfect once he was here too).

I'm doing a 5 year short journal prompt and the other day I got: ____________ is perfect.

I thought about it for a long time, all day, and then finally wrote, my life, my family is nearly perfect. And it really is.

And that's what I want to focus on - my amazing life and my nearly perfect family. 💗

Not by choice but it's a pretty amazing second option.

Milestones in Pregnancy Loss

I had to go back to counseling in June. I just wasn't making the space to process the pregnancy loss.

I thought I had already done so much to "move on" but it turns out that when you continue to not make time for processing, it builds up and that's what happened for me in June.

Therapy has been good... good to get it out and good to force myself to make space for it.

Turns out I got my necklace and that wasn't enough.

And I knew D's 3rd bday coming up would be hard for me, and I wanted to be able to show up for him in a way that was joyous and celebratory and honoring him rather than what it's reminding me of what we don't have.

BUT also making space for thinking of course him getting older is making me think that he'll be our only baby and that still makes me sad, and that he won't have a sibling and that makes me sad and that I never thought we'd be a family of 3 and I still haven't come to full acceptance with that.

I've taken time for myself - went to the VA hills at a cottage for some me time and went to a state park beach by myself for the day recently, and both of those things were restorative.

I've also been thinking of what else I can do to commemorate and "move on".

The next milestone is August 14 - the would've-been-due-date.

And I need to take the pressure off of that day for myself. No matter what I do that day, I'll still be sad after that day. It's not like marking it will lessen that.

But I also want to make sure I mark that day with something meaningful. I think I'm going to paint rocks with the baby's names on them and put them in the water. And hopefully B and I can spend that day together, just the two of us, with our feelings about that day, be near the water, maybe eat some crabs as we process.

Thank goodness for therapy. Thank goodness for a loving husband. And thank goodness for the ability to have options to mark these milestones.

I'm still working through it.