Just when I thought I was ok... I had my last counseling session - at least for now. I've been feeling much more like 'myself' and not in this constant sad state, like I had been for the last couple of months.
I was even able to get excited about my sister-in-law's sister-in-law's ultrasound appointment to find out what they were having, and was ok with the ultrasound pics on facebook (though I think she took it too far to make her profile pic her ultrasound pic, but anyway). I'm ok with all the holiday cards streaming in with all the kids on them (why can't people also put themselves on the cards? why just the kids??), I'm ok with all the kids postings on facebook. So, I'm generally ok.
But then, my boss yesterday has a meeting with me to ask if I'm happy at work and I was caught off-guard. He and I are really not personal so I kept it very high level saying I've been going through something very difficult in my personal life and it's affected my work life as well but I've gotten help and I feel like myself again and am ready to get back to how I was before and am excited about upcoming projects, etc.
Then, I came home and cried and cried. Why is it that just when I feel like everything is ok, infertility comes back to bite me? I feel like infertility is bad enough with this deep sadness, and then it just kicks me even more because it's affected my work performance. It's not fair.
I've always tried to keep the lines between personal and professional separate. Heck, I'm HR - that's what I do. But I also know the human side to HR and that's exactly what this was. And somehow, I froze.
When I told my husband all of this, he thinks that maybe I should have given my boss a bit more context and said that I've gone through 3 miscarriages and a surgery in the last year, with the last miscarriage being over Thanksgiving and then explain how I'm just explaining that for context on the sadness I've had to experience which may be why I haven't been myself even at work. And that maybe even if I am going through something like this in the future to let him know in case I need understanding that I'm not operating at 100%. I definitely don't want his sympathy but simply want to provide context...
But it's not just the miscarriages. And this issue is complicated. And I'm not sure how to talk about it at a high level with someone who I respect and like but where we don't talk much about our personal lives. The reason I've been sad is because of infertility in general but maybe just stating the miscarriages is enough for him to understand? Potentially more tangible and 'understandable' in mainstream life rather than infertility, which people really don't understand at all?
Anyway, if anyone has advice on how to talk at a high-level with someone who isn't very personal (though he's by no means a monster...), please let me know. Maybe what I said is enough? Or is having a follow-up with him a good idea to provide just a tiny bit more context?
9 years ago
