Failed First FET :(

I'm so bummed. I'm mostly surprised. I really thought this would take.

I think the drugs must really mimic making your body think it's pregnant because I've been tired and VERY bloated. I really thought I was pregnant.

Oh, but our chances are so low (can't remember how low). At least an FET is less work than a fresh IVF, but still!!!

:(
:(
:(

I'll wait for my period, get on birth control again and hopefully go into another FET with the 1 frozen embryo we have left.

I'd appreciate some virtual hugs. I'm feeling pretty bummed out right now.

And thank goodness for counseling tomorrow morning at 8am...

IVF #1=Not Good

What a weird situation. They think we're having an ectopic pregnancy, even though that only happens for 1% of IVF cases.

We finally had our u/s on Tues and they couldn't find anything even though our HCG kept going up. Our doctor was genuinely surprised and disappointed, but I also don't think he was fully aware of how much I had been bleeding the last couple of weeks.

I have to get a methotrexate shot tomorrow. This will be my 3rd. We've had a total of 5 miscarriages at the pre-week 6 mark. I'm afraid to even tell my parents about this one. What I really don't want to hear from people is that maybe my body isn't meant to be pregnant. That's what all of this would indicate, right?

Except with each step we feel like we get closer to unraveling this mystery. I'd say that if everything worked with this IVF cycle except that it somehow traveled up to my tubes, then it's bound to be right next time, right?? Or in the next couple of times?

They said we'd be at transfer stage again 6-10 weeks from now depending on when my period comes, etc. (Can't imagine a period again after 3 weeks of bleeding!!!).

Anyway, since I have a little window of 'freedom', I'm trying to get down to FL in the winter to visit my cousin. I think that'll do me some good. Let's see if I can get decent airfare now!

Thanks for all your support. Overall, I'm doing very well emotionally. There's so little we have control over and I really just want to be at peace. That, and I had a little chat with my mom after last weekend's disappointment with her, and it went really well - I feel the love!

In Limbo Land

The last 2 weeks have almost been harder than the traditional 2WW. It's been the second 2WW - the post-postive pre-heartbeat stage. And it's been really, really hard.

Testing positive with low numbers isn't reassuring and bleeding, at times heavily, for about a week isn't either.

We've essentially been going through that yo-yo. The center says our levels are rising appropriately, but they aren't doubling. They say they look for at least a 66% rise. Well, guess what ours has been? Yes - 66%.

Throw on top of it stressful work right now and my mom who I haven't been calling because she can't be supportive in the way I need her to be, who I know is mad that I haven't been calling even though I've said that I'll likely need to communicate less while we go through IVF because it's so stressful...

And of course, the last 2 calls I've had with her (one just now) have stressed me out - she's just negative in general, was starting to say that maybe the reason we've had so much trouble is because my work is stressful... oh yes, just what I love to hear - it's my fault we've had problems. Sure, quit my job and I'm sure I'd get pregnant right away! That's exactly how it works! Oh yeah, and the other time I had a miscarriage because she said I walked too much - yeah, I'm sure that's exactly  the reason we miscarried... Yeah, and she wonders why I don't call more??? Hmmm, seems to make sense to me.

Grrrr. I wish I could just not call, for even six months or whenever we're done with IVF, and have it be ok then.

In the meantime, we have an ultrasound appt on Tues. Wish us luck. I'm worried mostly because of the bleeding... I just either want this to work or have us move onto another cycle.

I'm Already Bleeding :(

Supposed to test on Thurs and just as soon as I made my bloodwork appt, I went to the bathroom and saw blood! What?!? I called back right away and the nurse wasn't really helpful.

"We don't like to see that, but it might not mean anything... still come in Thurs and keep taking your meds. We'll keep our fingers crossed."

I was so upset. I cried and cried. It was too good to think that it might just work on the first one.

But it's ok... I knew I just needed to be upset. We went into this with the longer-term view and it'll be ok.

I had dinner with a good friend who is in town visiting. I almost cancelled on her, but I thought, no, this will be good.

And, of course, as soon as I see her, I started tearing-up and told her what was going on, and just as good friends do, she listened, was empathetic and I started feeling better.

Thank goodness for old/good friends. Thank goodness for perspective. And thank goodness for my peace right now.

It's disappointing. I know it could still not be anything, but I'm also realistic, and I don't think this is good news. Having our family, however that happens, is just going to take longer. And I knew that.

(I also went out and got popcorn (Pir.ate's Bo.oty!), ice cream, chocolate and cookies!)

Blocked Tube News & Vaca Coming Up

Wow, I haven't written in awhile. I'm not quite sure why.

Work has definitely had an uptick in hecticness! But I'm also wondering if I have as much a need for this blog. It may also be because I'm in limbo right now...

BUT the big news from last week was that as part of pre-IVF testing that I'm doing (in case we move to that as a next step), we found one of my tubes is blocked. This was news to me - I had an HSG done 2 years ago and I was all clear. I'm having a follow up consult with my doc this coming week to discuss.

I was actually really upset, crying on the table when they were showing me that it was blocked. What a blow! But I had also told myself going into all this testing to keep the long-term view on this. I didn't want to go back to getting knee-deep into every day details that would constantly alter my mood.

So, I allowed myself one afternoon of being upset and then I went back to big picture. A little easier said than done, but I think I did it (probably helps that work is so busy right now!).

I also decided to talk to my mom about it, knowing I was risking upsetting myself even more since she typically hasn't been able to support me the way that I need for her to. But - she came through and that made a TON of difference! So, maybe getting the emotional support means so much more to me than the physical challenges...

And I'm trying to keep my mind on our upcoming vacation - next Friday we leave for Spain!!! :)

And... It Wasn't Good

My bloodwork results from yesterday were only at 154 (from 107 on Tues) and it turns out my obgyn's office had specialists look at my ultrasound and they did find a 1cm mass at the entrance of my tube.

So, metho.trexate it was.

What are the odds of that happening to 1 person twice? And almost a year to the day. Incredible. We've had 3 chemical pregnancies now ending in the 5th week, only one was a natural miscarriage.

I'm sure we'll have follow up tests and such. I'm eager to try to figure out why this may be happening. It just doesn't seem like it should.

Anyway, my positivity from yesterday is still coming through. I'm largely feeling unaffected by this (maybe it's just denial...) but maybe I'm also past my big grieving period. Maybe I'm finally ready to grab life by its collar again and really live, the way I know we're supposed to, which is to say by really enjoying it.

So, I continue to be resolved & determined to try to find happiness (despite all of this). I want to be back! And I will be.

It's Not Looking Good

My ultrasound & sonogram showed nothing today. They couldn't find anything. They did bloodwork and I told them could they please not wait until 5pm tomorrow to call me. They said they'd try. I really wish I was back at my RE and not at this obgyn.

Anyway, they said I'd likely have to repeat an ultrasound on Monday and I'm pretty sure we'll have to do methotrextate (sp?) next week. I just hope that my levels actually start decreasing so that I don't have to do that.

The irony. Almost 1 year to the day where we went through the same thing. At Thanksgiving.

We got pregnant on our own this time but now I'm hesitant to put more money into treatments if I can't ever make it to week 6. There's one more test my new RE wanted to do. I guess we'll do that when this is all over.

I feel kinda numb but I think I also want to be resolved to handle this better. I had told my husband that this unbearable feeling lately has given me insight into why people contemplate ending their lives. Not that I'm near that point AT ALL but I could just see it. He wanted to know if he wasn't enough. And I had a hard time with that because, in a way, no - because I really can't imagine us without a family. And on the other hand, if the tables were turned, I would want to feel like I'd be enough for him to never contemplate something like that... (and please don't worry - I'm really not contemplating anything).

So after our big conversation around it, I'm even more determined to try to get back to ME and handle this better. All I need is peace and resolve. I can do this!

Not in a Great Place

This week has been a bit of agony for me. I am not used to not getting the level of care I had been getting with our RE and in retrospect, I should have just called them first rather than my obgyn. They don't call me until 5pm with results!!! Who does that???

So, I tested Friday & then spotted all weekend. Called Monday to say I think I needed to be retested. They said wait for the results. Ok - 5pm they say tell me 61 & to re-test Tuesday. Got those results at 5pm last night - 107. (I'm more used to a 5 hour turnaround, not 28 hour turnaround!!).

Anyway, it should have been around 240. So, less than half of what it's supposed to be. The irony is that I stopped spotting yesterday.

They're having me repeat bloodwork today - though I guess I won't get the results till 5pm Friday - ARGH!!!!! I'm also doing a sonogram today at 1pm. I'm worried it's either miscarrying or ectopic. Maybe it's just a really slow grower...

Think peaceful thoughts for me today, please.

I also had a hard time seeing the gift that my sister-in-law's gave to her sister in law on facebook - new onesies.

The thing I want most of all is just to be ME again. To be happy & chipper and not bitter. I don't know who this person is who has overtaken my body.

On a happy note, being in HR, I got my office to play App.les to App.les yesterday (and we even had apples & peanut butter as a snack!) & people LOVED it. (If you haven't played it, it's the MOST fun game ever - and a great family game if you're anxious of too much sitting around with your family over Thanksgiving!). I was very pleased that our office enjoyed it since that is my favorite game & because most of them hadn't heard of it before! And it let me forget about my problems for a little while...

All Over the Place

Go figure that after I posted that my home test was negative last week, I was late. I tested again on Friday morning this time and was 'a little pregnant', meaning only faint line on the test.

Because of our history, I called my normal obgyn who had me come in for bloodwork Friday. I still don't have those results.

I spotted a bit both weekend days. It felt like every 4 hours or so, I was either up or down depending on whether there was spotting or absolutely nothing. This morning, more spotting than over the weekend. Called my doc again, they're going to call me back.

This is so nerve-wrecking. I hate this in between stuff. I hate the hopeful/reality yo-yo. It's driving me crazy.

As my husband said, 'even though we were taught in high school that there's no such thing as being a little pregnant, it sure does feel that way now'. Definitely.

So both good & bad... kinda small victory feeling we could do this on our own finally but I also won't rest easy (easier) till the 6 week mark. We have yet to ever hear a heartbeat and I just don't know if I can have much hope for this.

Please don't say 'congrats' or anything just yet. That's part of the reason I haven't said anything yet. I really do feel like this could slip at any moment. I just need support.  I need to be more than 'a little pregnant' before the congrats can roll in... you know, the delicate balance.

Having a Scare

There was blood in the toilet last night. I started freaking out.

Then I called my best friend and started reading my book. It seems like some bleeding may be ok, especially if it's a lighter pink/red (which mine was)... what worried me was the bit sitting at the bottom of the toilet. I would understand if I were 'spotting' but some blood in the toilet? That seems more than spotting to me.

AND add to my worry that I feel like I'm just not supposed to be pregnant or it's not supposed to be this easy and I start thinking that maybe this wasn't supposed to happen for us after all.

I called my doc and they got me in this morning. He couldn't tell anything yet from the ultrasound - so said that it could be nothing but that it could also be an early miscarriage. They got bloodwork and will get the results tomorrow - let's hope my number has quadrupled since Friday - that will be a really good sign.

Ugh. I hate limbo-land.