Transfer Time & Counseling

Transfer time for our first FET was Mon, Apr 23! I've been doing well and for now, am feeling hopeful. We have another one frozen, so I'm kinda looking at this next phase as seeing what happens with these 2 frozen embryos. Feels good to be moving forward.

In the meantime, I think I began processing my last miscarriage from our first IVF a few weeks ago. I'd realize that about once a week when I was in bik.ram (hot) yoga, I'd just break down with overwhelming emotion... something had to change, so I scheduled myself back into my therapist.

That session was last Friday and already made a huge difference. I spent a lot of time crying in her office. The next day, B and I were at an event with friends we hadn't seen in awhile.One of B's friends came up to us to tell us how sorry she was about our miscarriage and it just struck me at how huge this has all been for us when B said 'yeah, this is miscarriage number 5 for us.'

I keep trying to brush this stuff off like I should handle it better, that in the grand scheme of things it shouldn't be that big of a deal, that other people go through harder stuff, etc., etc. but when I think of the last 4 1/2 years of trying to conceive with 5 early miscarriages with IUIs, IVF and surgeries... it IS a lot!

The hardest part still remains that people in general just don't get it. They don't get the pain. And it's all very invisible to most people. Our families still don't really know how to handle it (B's parents visited 2 weeks ago and B's mother said to me - "I know you're going through a lot emotionally, but how are you recovering physically?").

It's so clear that the emotion is just too much for most people... and that's what can hurt the most - feeling isolated and alone in pain that others either can't see, can't seem to understand or don't want to come near.

Thank good ness for my husband, my best friend, my pastor and another good friend - the 4 who have really been there for me. And thank goodness for my counselor, who is awesome, has gone through infertility and IVF herself and gets it.

And thank goodness for moving forward. I'm hopeful to see what these next 1-2 cycles will bring.

Needed Surgery

My IVF #1 went so badly that I needed to have surgery 10 days ago to remove an ectopic pregnancy that didn't respond to metho.traxate to dissolve it - and they had to remove my left tube as well.

What a whirlwind it was!

After I got the metho.trexate shot (that has worked on me 2x before on suspected ectopics), they told me like normal that if I was having abdominal pain, among other symptoms, to go to the emergency room.

So, 5 days after the shot, at work, I had severe adbominal pain, called my nurse who said don't risk it - go to the hospital. A co-worker drove me and I thought it'd just be a stomach bug or something. 4 hours of tests later, they tell me I need to have surgery that evening to remove this pregnancy... and my husband is out of town.

I call my best friend, who immediately gets child care and comes to spend time with me, and luckily my husband was able to get on the next flight home, in time to take me home from surgery.

I'm still trying to process it all... I'm actually very calm and oddly at peace about all of this. I guess when you're confronted with a somewhat life-threatening situation, it helps put things in perspective.

We're faced with infertility. It's hard. But I guess in general, things are good.

So, I'm taking it all in stride. We have a follow-up with my RE this Friday and I'm sure we'll proceed again with IVF with the two frozen embryos we have (probably one at a time)... though I do keep thinking about maybe a gestational carrier or that it's time to consider adoption. I've had 5 early-on miscarriages - 3 of which have been ectopic, 1 of them with IVF (other two with IUI), so just makes me worried that something is clearly not working in my favor or functioning properly with my body. On the other hand, I'll hear what the doctor has to say as I'm not quite willing to give up with this dream for now...

IVF #1=Not Good

What a weird situation. They think we're having an ectopic pregnancy, even though that only happens for 1% of IVF cases.

We finally had our u/s on Tues and they couldn't find anything even though our HCG kept going up. Our doctor was genuinely surprised and disappointed, but I also don't think he was fully aware of how much I had been bleeding the last couple of weeks.

I have to get a methotrexate shot tomorrow. This will be my 3rd. We've had a total of 5 miscarriages at the pre-week 6 mark. I'm afraid to even tell my parents about this one. What I really don't want to hear from people is that maybe my body isn't meant to be pregnant. That's what all of this would indicate, right?

Except with each step we feel like we get closer to unraveling this mystery. I'd say that if everything worked with this IVF cycle except that it somehow traveled up to my tubes, then it's bound to be right next time, right?? Or in the next couple of times?

They said we'd be at transfer stage again 6-10 weeks from now depending on when my period comes, etc. (Can't imagine a period again after 3 weeks of bleeding!!!).

Anyway, since I have a little window of 'freedom', I'm trying to get down to FL in the winter to visit my cousin. I think that'll do me some good. Let's see if I can get decent airfare now!

Thanks for all your support. Overall, I'm doing very well emotionally. There's so little we have control over and I really just want to be at peace. That, and I had a little chat with my mom after last weekend's disappointment with her, and it went really well - I feel the love!

Miscarriage #4

I guess it's 'technically' not a miscarriage but the end to a chemical pregnancy. I just can't seem to make it past week 5 1/2...

It's been an interesting experience this go-around. I was elated in week 3 to be feeling symptoms - my sense of smell was crazy, sore boobs, tired... I was actually happy again. I couldn't believe it. With all my recent depression, to be happy again was such a foreign feeling that I just basked in it.

And then within 5 days, not feeling it anymore, so I knew something wasn't right. But still my period wasn't coming. I tested at home and negative result. Two days go by and I test again and just a faint second line showed up, so I knew something really wasn't right... but I also knew that I was kinda pregnant and that felt good.

I went to my RE and got confirmation that I was pregnant, but with a 75 beta result, so not great. Two days later, I start spotting and got my beta back that was down to 20, so no 'real' pregnancy.

But, I'll tell you this - I was happy to be pregnant and happy that it happened again so quickly after really trying. You see, I had fibroid surgery last summer. We tried in the fall and got pregnant on the 2nd try and then lost it at 5 1/2 weeks. All winter and spring, I couldn't try again - I just didn't want the hopefulness and disappointment. But this summer, I said, let's give this another shot and it happened again, on the 2nd try.

So now I need to figure out why I keep miscarrying at 5 1/2 weeks. Or rather, why I can't keep a pregnancy. The two we had prior to my surgery were via IUI and I really want to be determined to not have to do IVF... but I think we may be on that road because I realized I really do want this, at least I want to try for us to have kids.

It feels good to have a plan. AND most importantly, I'm not feeling as depressed as I was this past winter/spring/summer. I filled a prescription for anti-depressants but haven't started taking them. In fact, as soon as I filled it, I didn't think I needed them anymore. Maybe just having them there as my secruity blanket was enough. I hope. It's been a rough ride and I don't want to go back into that hole.

I've got a plan and I've got my mental health back (for now)... and that feels good for now.

And... It Wasn't Good

My bloodwork results from yesterday were only at 154 (from 107 on Tues) and it turns out my obgyn's office had specialists look at my ultrasound and they did find a 1cm mass at the entrance of my tube.

So, metho.trexate it was.

What are the odds of that happening to 1 person twice? And almost a year to the day. Incredible. We've had 3 chemical pregnancies now ending in the 5th week, only one was a natural miscarriage.

I'm sure we'll have follow up tests and such. I'm eager to try to figure out why this may be happening. It just doesn't seem like it should.

Anyway, my positivity from yesterday is still coming through. I'm largely feeling unaffected by this (maybe it's just denial...) but maybe I'm also past my big grieving period. Maybe I'm finally ready to grab life by its collar again and really live, the way I know we're supposed to, which is to say by really enjoying it.

So, I continue to be resolved & determined to try to find happiness (despite all of this). I want to be back! And I will be.

The Tears Finally Came

I was wondering where they were, yet I knew they were lurking. The tears hadn't come.

I was too busy. Too pre-occupied with work, with weekend travel and plans, with focusing on other things.

Last week, I started going back to bik.ram yoga. I noticed the sadness surfacing again. It's been only 3 weeks since my miscarriage and I hadn't allowed myself the space to really grieve.

I went to yoga again Monday night and noticed the sadness again, and then last night, it finally hit. We have a 2 min break or savasana in between the standing and floor series, and normally, the instructor talks. But we had a new person last night and they let it be silent. And that's when I almost broke down.

It didn't really happen until after I got home, showered and was sitting on the couch with my husband. I just broke down. The ugly cry.

It needed to happen. All the questions, frustrations, sadness... letting it all hang out there.

Why is this such a difficult and long road for us? How can I have had two miscarriages already... and after fertility treatments? Why am I not getting the support and empathy I need from friends and family? Why do I feel that others may be thinking that I miscarried (both times) at 'just' 5 1/2 weeks, so it doesn't 'really' count to be this sad...

Why did my mom have to turn things into a drama about her? Why have my friends not really said more to me? Why does it feel good to have my parents refrain from talking about my nephew so much and why does it hurt so much when my friends talk about their kids so much?

I'm just so sad. And I know I need to let myself be sad. It just hurts so much to be childless right now. And after so much effort. I know I need to continue to put forth the effort because it's what I really want. But it just hurts.

Operation: Get My Body Back - Week 3

I am loving this new initiative I created and love that so many of you have gotten behind it! It's inspiring to me to read about what you're doing!

Here's where I am:

• Writing down what I eat: I did a pretty good job this week, of course until we traveled and I was away on Sat & Sun and probably eating more poorly than I would have otherwise
• Weighing in: I still need to sign back up for WW (I let my monthly pass lapse when we did our last cycle)... I will do that this week AND weigh in. The Thursday leader is such a comedy show - I really enjoy going that day! My unofficial weigh in Friday night was decent but I need to make this official so I can actually track
• Exercise: I ran 1x this week, rode my bike everyday to work and to after work events and did bik.ram yoga 2x - I LOVE bik.ram yoga - it makes me so much more conscious of my body and what I'm putting in it. It's also what really brought my weight down earlier this year, after the last miscarriage.
• This Week: I commit to bik.ram yoga 3-4x, 1-2 runs, biking to work, writing down what I eat and keeping to my points allotment!!! and weighin in.

And in other news:

• Travel to NJ - We went to NJ this weekend for my cousin's baby's puja, which is an Indian version of a baptism. It was really nice to see them all again. And we took my parents too, so was nice to have some family time. BUT all that travel has got me exhausted!!
• India project - Work continues to be busy with our Indian office operations... we have some big meetings this week to decide our timelines for everything. I'd still like to know when I'm going!!

And on the IF front:

• I need to schedule an MRI and then get a consult w/a doc who will do a fibroid surgery on me. I'd like to try to get this done in July, probably travel to India in Aug, and then try for another cycle in Sept/Oct.
• I feel like I've been too busy to process the miscarriage, which is partially good. I also feel like many people's prayers must be working, which may be why I'm not feeling the impact of the pain as much
• I found myself, though, almost wanting to cry when I did bik.ram yoga this week. Something about that yoga brings out the emotions, so that's good that it surfaces, I guess...
• I've been a pretty bad commenter lately, but I am reading & trying to comment when I can. Once works returns to a bit more normalcy, I'll get back into it :)

Happy beginning of the week & for Operation: Get My Body Back, tell me how you did last week & what you are committing to for this week!

Thank You

You all are the best! Your support this week has meant the absolute world to me. It kept me going. I just find this community absolutely incredible when it comes to support, understanding and doling out love.

For those who regularly follow me, thank you for weeping along with me this week. And for those new to me, thank you for coming over to give me support during this time.

Thank you to whoever put my news on Lost and Found and Connections Abound. I got so much love from this.

The Infertile Mind wrote the sweetest post this week on Reflections on Miscarriages, mostly about me and how her own thoughts on miscarriage ebb and flow in her life. It's so powerful. She has an amazing way with words where you just feel her love oozing through. It felt like a gigantic amazing hug!

Determined to Have Joy wrote a post this week called Life.  We've grown close through this blogging world so I can't help but see hints of what I went through this week in a bit of her post. I've added it as part of My Favorite Posts on the right. I just love what she says! Thank you!!

I am just so grateful to all of you and for our community. My heart is just bursting with love for you all. Thank you, thank you for being there for me this week.

I'm doing much better. I really went into this not as hopeful so the actual pregnancy was a nice surprise and while it hit me hard with the miscarriage news, I'm rebounding better than I did last time.

I'm sore from yo.ga but glad to have bought my 3 month summer pass. I'm glad to be back on my bike ride to work. I'm glad to be going to India for work this summer without worry. I'll be glad to put the running shoes back on.

And I'm glad for this long weekend. We're off to Atlanta for a close friend's wedding. I hope I can be in a 'happy enough place' to enjoy the happy event and put on the happy face. And hope to enjoy some quality time with my husband.

Hope you all have a great long weekend whether you're going somewhere, relaxing, bbq'ing or whatever! :)

Yesterday

First of all, THANK YOU all so, so incredibly much for all your outreach so far. It's been truly amazing and has kept me going. I tell you, there's just nothing like our community. It really pulls us through. I cannot tell you how much it helped to keep seeing messages come in...

Especially after my afternoon. After I wrote my update and had talked to my husband, I called my mom. Big mistake. In fact, I've learned a huge lesson to not tell her next time we're going through treatment.

I was more or less ok & dealing, particularly after I talked with my husband, but then she had the nerve to say to me "maybe you walked too much" and "maybe you should have gone to the hospital right away". Ohhhhhhh, I wasn't going to take that.

I said, "this is not my fault. There is nothing I did or didn't do to cause this and I can't believe you're saying this to me when I'm in enough pain already." We just got off the phone. I called my dad at work and explained. He said he'd talk to her and he even urged me not to tell her next time we do this because he recognizes she can say insensitive things...

So, I left work... and left a big project that I couldn't concentrate on and feel badly that I didn't get it to my boss and just walked around the block and sat down and cried outside.

She called back later to apologize and by then I was more or less ok, BUT then she starts crying saying "I feel like I've lost a grandchild today." Goodness sakes!!! This isn't about you - it's about me. I'm sorry, but it just is. That's what I wanted to say but she was in pain and I wasn't going to cause her more pain. I just know I won't tell her anything the next time we do this. I've learned my lesson big time.

This whole thing with my mom is really too bad and ironic, actually. Here I am, wanting kids so badly and here she is saying all the wrong things to her child in pain. I just don't get it. I really hope that when we have children, I don't cause this type of added pain to them when they're going through something hard.

Onto next steps: fibroid surgery sometime this summer & try again this fall hopefully.

Until then, I wish I could just take some time off but I need to get through these busy projects at work and we're going to Atlanta for a wedding this weekend... and I wish we weren't going. I really just want to wallow for now. But I can't.

Immediate next step: excited to have bought a 3 month unlimited summer pass to my beloved bik.ram yo.ga studio. It helped me during my last miscarriage. I think it will help again.

Thanks again for your love, support and kindness. I give you all (((hugs))) back!

Update

We are miscarrying. My hCG dropped to 139 yesterday.

I'm crying and can't write anymore.

Miscarriages on TV These Days

Anyone watch the season finale to Gr.ey's Ana.tomy last week? How about this past Sunday's Ar.my Wi.ves?

If you've DVR'd them and haven't watched yet, don't read on until you have or I'll ruin it for you... well, I guess I may have already with my title.

Not the right time for me to be watching these, I'll tell you. It was water works galore for me. Both Meredith and Roxy experienced miscarriages in these episodes though Meredith's was a bit unbelieveable (though what exactly on Gr.ey's Ana.tomy is believeable???).

On the one hand, they were really sad for me and I really did cry... on the other hand, it was nice to see, in particular with Ar.my Wi.ves, and how it was handled with Roxy portraying it even if it was almost a little too much Mar.ley & Me with the dog cuddling up to her and all.

But I could completely relate. She was down. Couldn't really talk about it. Was in a complete funk. All of that.

I'm sure many of us can relate to it. I completely did.  Especially knowing that I'm on somewhat of a brink of experiencing this again right now. Should know later today what my hCG is...