What I Learned From Counseling & Support Group This Week

It was quite an emotionally-cleansing week for me - my bi-weekly counseling was this week and so was my monthly support group.

Here's what I learned:

• I'm still grieving my last miscarriage
• I'm grieving the immensity of having had 3 miscarriages in 1 year
• I need to let my mother-in-law know that I'm actually grieving
• I need to stop minimizing the fact that my prengancies didn't make it to week 6/a heartbeat
• I understand that my dog dying a few weeks ago is another loss in this difficult recent loss journey and that it felt like 'piling on' to my already going through a grief cycle
• I need to stop saying that life could be worse and grieve the bad stuff that has happened to me since this is my reality
• The grief cycle takes approximately a year and I'm only 5 months from my last loss
• I need to understand that this journey is a slice of my entire life and try to take it in a larger context
• Despite that I think it feels better to be authentic and talk about how infertility is affecting me, it can be sometimes helpful to not talk about it and realize how much I have going on in my life that is not infertility-related
• My true passion is adventurous, international travel and I can't keep putting this on hold

Here's what I'm going to do:

• Allow myself to grieve, fully
• Talk to my mother-in-law about my grief (I've never named it as such with her) so she can understand the immensity of it
• Focus on a lot of the wonderful things going on in my life:
• My amazing marriage/husband
• My career that I love and a potential upcoming promotion
• Our beautiful house
• Our health
• Springtime and what newness of exericse energy it brings
• Be more spontaneous
• Last weekend we went to a movie in another part of town and decided to stay at a nearby hotel that had a special going on - just being out of the house was fun (we had planned a night away at a hotel in our city a few years ago and really had fun!)
• Plan some travel trips that really fuel my passion
• I'm going to Chicago next week for work and will stay to see a good friend
• I'm visiting my cousin in FL over Memorial Weekend
• We booked tickets to northern Spain in June, a place we've been wanting to go to for awhile in conjunction with a wedding in southern Spain
• We have 2 more wedding trips this summer
• We have been talking about Vietnam over next winter which has been high on my list for years!

Too Much Childfree Living Talk?

I don't know how this happened but I have literally done a 180 - I no longer want children. At least for now. But I say at least for now, but I fully 100% feel this way.

And how can this be when I felt completely 100% opposite as little as 45 days ago?

I've been through much pain, I've done the work in therapy, I've grieved for my 3 years of ttc and 3 miscarriages and I've tried to focus on life as it is, the blessings in our life and living in the present. I've wished for nothing but peace.

And I finally have it.

And I'm thrilled that we're enjoying life. Friday night spontaneous dinner date? Bring it! Sunday afternoon ice skating escape? Right on! No daily cleaning of poo, pee and vomit? Yes! Being able to do whatever we want whenever we want? Sign me up!

I know, I know, I'm simplying, but I really do love life right now. And the thought of children does not interest me now.

But, is it too much for me to continually be talking about enjoying this new-found freedom when I know my husband doesn't feel this 100%? I know that parenting wasn't his #1 reason for wanting children, so he didn't feel it as deeply as I did. But his top reasons had to do with genetic continuity so I don't want him to feel like I'm squashing that dream.

It's interesting being on the other side. For 2 years, I've talked about nothing but getting pregnant, adopting, fostering - anything to get us the children I so desperately wanted. And he kept saying he wasn't ready for adoption and didn't think he could ever consider fostering. And it hurt so badly that he didn't want what I wanted.

And now the tables may be turned. He is being good about just letting me talk. I think he hopes I'm in a phase. And I think we're letting myself just be like this for awhile but I worry that if I still feel strongly about this in a year from now, it may be here to stay, in which case will our tables turn - will he be begging me to seriously consider children when I really don't want them anymore?

Interesting turn of events...

In the meantime, India, here I come (tomorrow!)...

Time for Counseling

I finally took the plunge and went to counseling. I felt like there was something different about how I've been feeling now than my previous lows and I couldn't wait around any longer to see if/when it would go away.

And it seems like I'm not the only one. We're all hurting. We're all in need of healing. We all want the same things.

I was struck by Rachel at The Pughs, who I wrote about just days ago with how much positivity she brings to me. Well, yesterday, she finally admitted that she needs time for healing. Her post is so touching. It so incredibly resonates with what I feel - and what, apparently, lots of us are feeling.

My counselor was helpful. I wanted someone who understood infertility and I found her on the Re.solve website. Luckily she had a cancellation that same day. Here's some of the things we discussed and that I'm working through:

• Upcoming 3 year milestone of trying to conceive
• Upcoming birth of my best friend's 2nd baby
• Upcoming anniversary of our first miscarriage last Thanksgiving
• Disappointments with how family members have dealt with me
• Unresolved conflict between my husband and I on next steps and thoughts about adoption

Those last 3 points I hadn't fully realized until I started talking through it in counseling.

Our miscarriage last year was a big deal and I'm still disappointed about how everyone handled it by basically ignoring it. I'm particularly disappointed with my in-laws about this and their continued supposed ignoring with our 2nd miscarriage.

And I'm still disappointed in my mom with how she dealt with my 2nd miscarriage, essentially making it seem like it was because of something I did or didn't do. It still makes me angry to think that I had to deal with her on top of my miscarriage.

And my husband and I are conflicted on next steps. He wants biological kids so badly. He lost his dad at a young age and wants that connection. But he also doesn't want me to endure more drugs and the heightened expectations, appointments, mood swings and energy that goes into a fertility treatment.  He also has a hard time conceptualizing adoption, which is what I really want us to look at as the next step.

We finally talked about all of this in more depth this week and it has helped. I think I can open my heart up to potentially doing more treatments and he's opened himself up to researching more about adoption and understanding the true toll treatments are on me.

So... counseling is helping for now.

My Mother's Day was...

...not so bad. I think because I 1) decided to take a new perspective on it, feeling like I deserved to be celebrated and 2) made it really clear to my husband that I felt that way, that the day wasn't so bad.

Granted, I didn't feel like going to church, even though my church would have been very sensitive about it. And I got irked seeing other pregnant women and all the hoopla around Mom's at the ballpark, but that's ok...

B got me the best card - from our dog, but also from him. He wrote until we have a pooping, crying baby, know that nobody loves you more than [our dog] and me. You're the best mother-in-waiting & I love you. Isn't that the sweetest?

And unexpectedly, my best friend sent me an e-card that said Happy Special Day to the wonderful mom of my future nieces and/or nephews!!! They are worth the work, I just know it! We are praying for you both, dear. With all my love, Aunt J :) I just LOVED it!

Both of those acts made me feel so incredibly special and helped to keep the hurt at bay. I've enjoyed how some of you have written nice things like this so I thought I'd share too. We all know how hard yesterday was...

Hormones, What IF Project Video & Face.book

I had just been thinking to myself that I was doing pretty ok with the drugs & my hormone levels have been in check. That is, until my husband said something insensitive last night... and I blew my top.

I mean, I screamed. I don't usually scream. And I was screaming. It was ugly. At one point, I felt like I almost had one of those out of body experiences where I was looking at myself screaming, thinking who is this person???

So when that happened, I started explaining that even though I'm still upset, I really think it's the hormones and I can't quite control it. It's all fine now. I had to tell B that my evil twin sister isn't welcome to come around anymore. He seemed to like that.

One more week for my pregnancy test. Next Friday morning. It's all such a balancing act with continous mind games, isn't it?

And, have you all seen the What IF project video? It's remarkable. What courage this person had. Miriam/Keiko from Hannah Wept Sarah Laughed just put it all out there. And I thought, if she has the courage, then I can say something about it on face.book.

Here's what I posted this week:

as follow up to National Inferlity Awareness Week last week, this amazing woman made an incredible video. Hope it touches you too.

I wanted to add: B and I have been waiting 2 1/2 years now for our miracle. But I couldn't. It's ok though. I think it was enough a lot for me to have put this out there. And you know what? Two people have commented and said it did touch them. Nice, huh?

Hope you watch it if you haven't already!

Postponing Next IUI for Peace of Mind

I know a couple of weeks ago we talked about our next IUI being in May but all of last week it just sat uncomfortably with me.

All of last week, when I was at yoga, I felt drained. I felt I wasn't doing my best and I felt distracted. I felt like I just wanted the session to end and I felt like I was going to cry halfway through each time.

I realized that our decision for our next IUI in May was just too soon for me. It was causing me anxiety.

And this is a busy season at work for me (and I'm not even an accountant!) so I thought, let's revisit this in the summer. I think when we went through our miscarriage in Nov, I felt good thinking that we might need a year off and then in Feb he started wanting to know if we could try again in the spring and I just put that answer off, feeling constricted by it.

But I also keep asking myself - do I want to be in the is perpetual state of 'woe is me, I can't have a baby?' and not be doing anything about it? What's the proper balance on taking a break vs. really trying for what you want?

Has what I want changed? I've started reading some of the foster care related books I've bought that I posted here. I actually didn't start with any of these on the list and instead in ama.zon's 'here's what else you'd like' suggestions, I bought One Small Bo.at by Kathy Harrison and I just can't put it down. It's so good.

But it's also made me re-think whether I'm foster parent material. I still have some reading to do before I make that decision, but I'm not sure I have the patience, time or energy to deal with a lot of the special needs that comes from having children who have been neglected or abused. Maybe if I was a stay at home mom, but I don't know if I want that.

So, B is supportive of what I want to do. I think he just hates seeing me upset and wants to try to do something about it rather than just take a break. But I think taking a break is best for my piece of mind right now.

Adoption as an Option... Is He Coming Around?

I had a total breakdown last night. I had a hard time focusing most of yesterday, went to yo.ga hoping it would make me feel better but then all I wanted to do was cry. And I came home and cry.

And then I felt stupid for crying. I wish I could be stronger. I wish this didn't affect me as much. I wish I could just be happy because we have a good life. I really hate myself when I start feeling this way.

I spent a lot of time in the blogging world yesterday catching up on posts and I found one that mentioned (as I know) about how almost every month we grieve. We grieve for the lost chance. We grieve for something we didn't even have. And that really stuck with me. We are constantly grieving. And it's a kind of grief that not many others really understand. Constantly grieving. Wow. That's a lot to put on someone. On many of us.

I also called our fertility clinic yesterday to talk about IUI #3. And I'm not sure how to feel about it. We have to wait a cycle out anyway, so I have time to prepare, but I don't want to be a basket case. I really don't.

Then my husband said the most comforting words of all - 'it'll happen. we'll have a child somehow. it may be asian or haitian but we'll have one.'

And that just cracked me up. And he knows how much my heart has been on adoption. And I hadn't yet heard him say anything more immediate about it in awhile. We talk about adopting from India because we have family ties there. And he knows how much my heart ached after the Hai.ti earthquake and stories of the orphans.

I hope he's coming around. We have our first counseling session tonight too so hoping we go deeper with our family building options discussion.

Happy Birthday to Me! And Next IUI Decision

I LOVE birthdays! And I try to make mine last as long as possible!! This time it's going on for 3 days.

Saturday was a very fun game day with some friends & ice cream cake. Hey, why not? :) Sunday was fun too with a bike ride around town to church, farmer's market & then a massage and lots of time in the sun!

Husband did lots of grocery shopping & dishes, which was wonderful!!!

And today, I get to enjoy the day off for my birthday, which is something I've never done. I plan to go to my beloved bik.ram hot yoga class - a daytime one which I also never experience. And then I've been saving a Jhum.pa La.hiri book, Un.accustomed Ear.th to take to a coffee shop with me where I hope I can snag a cozy chair... and I may get a pedicure. B and I are still deciding whether to go out or stay in (he's a great cook!) so either way, it's going to be a fabulous day!

On the IF front, with my period making an appearance on Saturday, it at least left the guessing game out of the weekend but also had a couple of tearful moments. We talked about the next IUI, which would be the 3rd and while I wasn't ready to start getting Day 3 bloodwork on my bday, we'll start the next cycle. That's progress. And we have counseling this week, Wed to help us through some of these decisions.

For my birthday wish when I blew out my candles this year, instead of hoping for a baby, I wished for peace. I want a peaceful year. I want to focus on 'me' things and 'us' things. I want us to have fun and enjoy life. Woohoo!

Next Steps & Other Musings

Thanks for all your support with regard to our next steps in going to counseling. I believe it's the right thing to do.

My husband still thinks we can work all of this out without a counselor but I think there's some deep-seeded stuff that we just can't get to on our own. Our appt is next Wed evening. I'm eager for it but also a little scared. I know that counseling can sometimes make things worse before they get better...

But we did decide to start instituting a regular date night. I think I was craving quality time and need it in different ways. For example, it doesn't really count for me if we're being social with other people. I need intimate time with him - conversation, no interruptions, cuddling - and not being exhausted!

So, we both made an effort to be home by 7pm. We actually took a walk in our neighborhood, got good take-out shwarmas, ate it on our front porch and watched Mod.ern Family cuddling. It was splendid!

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Other than that, I decided that I need to learn more about foster care/adopt and what it's all about. I did an ama.zon search for books on fostering - both positives & negatives from kids' and parents' experiences. I love ordering from there and getting the second-hand deals, and knowing that I'm 'reducing, reusing and recycling' books that way. I can't wait till they get here. They sounded good for anyone interested:

• Three Little Words
• Practical Tools for Foster Parents
• I Speak For This Child: True Stories of a Child Advocate
• Another Place at the Table
• Orphans Of The Living: Stories

I'll let you know how they are.

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And, I'm very much looking forward to Saturday & celebrating my birthday that day (the real day is Monday). It's a Game Day party because I don't like staying up late so we're starting at 2pm and I love games. My most favorite one is:

Has anyone played this? So, so fun!!

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And finally, I learned more about St. Patrick yesterday via a pastor's listserve I subscribe to, and was inspired to let his passion run through me. This may be a little over-the-top religious for some of you but bear with me on the heavy parts as I paraphrase -

St. Patrick, whose feast day is March 17, suffered much, and was a mystical visionary; he heard voices, and never hesitated to go into peril as his only passion was to serve God and people in need. The famous Prayer of St. Patrick is always worth praying, especially:

“Christ be with me, Christ within me,

Christ behind me, Christ before me,

Christ beside me, Christ to win me,

Christ to comfort and restore me;

Christ beneath me, Christ above me,

Christ in quiet, and in danger,

Christ in hearts of all that love me,

Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.”

St. Patrick was all about making peace among bitter enemies. And, St. Patrick served the poor.

It's intriguing how we piggback partying on top of this sanctity and couldn't help but ask  how can we take an opportunity to give back in this great, holy habit of reaching out?

There seems to be no better way to observe Lent, and prepare our hearts for Easter – or to do something grander than wearing green or downing a pint to commemorate St. Pat.rick’s Day.

Interesting, huh?

It's Finally Time for Counseling

I was convinced after some comments on my Fostering post this weekend that it was time for a counselor to help us out.

I don't like that we've gotten to this point and I'm not really even sure it's that bad but it's not great either so I figure, why not?

Here are some things I think we're struggling with:

• Differences on what should come next in our family building - he really wants natural kids; I'm more inclined to look at foster care to adopt. I just really, really want children in my home NOW!!! And I don't have this overly huge desire to be pregnant and deal with babies... but I also think I'd be sad letting go of the potential of biology in there
• S*x - it's gotten boring. Ok, maybe not boring, boring but the spark is pretty minimal at this time. I can't tell if it's because he works oh-so-much or because of my hormone levels or because we have no new tricks or what. We don't even steal sexy 1 minute kisses anymore... and that makes me sad. We're very affectionate and love each other but I really miss that spark. This may/may not be fertility-related and could just be a factor of knowing each other for awhile or his work stresses but I want to figure it out. Especially because if we have a hard time with the spark now, it certainly isn't going to get easier with more people in our lives.
• Why we/he Want to be Parents - this sometimes makes me sad too and I just shove it under the rug. He hasn't been able to fully express to me why he wants to be a dad. I fear that he wants to 'just because that's what we're supposed to do'. I fear that much as he wants biological kids, he's really only going to take an interest when they're children and he can actually 'do' things with them and I'll get stuck doing a lot of the baby stuff.
• Feeling like his Work is Always Priority/in the Way - He works late a lot and on weekends, mostly both days but always at least 1 day. It's completely gotten to me. I've gotten to the point where I feel 'grateful' when he does spend time with me. I was elated a few weeks ago when I got him all to myself an ENTIRE Saturday. Because that NEVER happens. It's always only a few hours here and there. And evenings? I've learned to make other plans because he doesn't come home till 7:30 or 8 and when he does, he just wants to watch tv. Ok, I'm mostly exaggerating, but there's a lot of truth here and I can't help but feel like I'm one more thing he has to fit in. I know he really doesn't feel this way but this constant working makes me feel this way.

Ugh. I hate even writing any of this out. But I had another big cry yesterday when all he wanted to do at 8pm on a Sunday was watch tv and I felt alone again.

So, I found a provider accepting new patients and talked to her and she seemed nice and well equipped to deal with our struggles. She has lots of openings between this week and next week so hopefully we can start to address some of this stuff soon. Just have to get my husband to get a second to look at his schedule.

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I think I'm also emotional because my pseudo 2ww is now at one more week from my 5% Hopeful post where we tried naturally and even though I know it's probably not going to work, I can't help but be 5% hopeful and I really, really, really don't want to be disappointed.

And I was stupid to even 'schedule it' like this because I should know next Sunday and next Monday is my birthday. And I'm trying really, really, really hard to not let Sunday's potential bad new be neutral so as not to effect my Monday birthday. BUT, of course if Sunday's news is good, then that means a VERY nice birthday present.

Ugh. One more week... I need peace, I need prayers, I need yoga, I need a lot.

Sunday Afternoon Musings

What a GREAT weekend! What a GREAT all-day date with my husband yesterday!

He's been working soooooo much lately that I just see him for a few hours at a time. But yesterday, he granted me from dawn till nightime! We read the paper, went out for a nice lunch where all I really wanted was a couple of cappuccinos, it was a gorgeous day here and warmer than normal with the sun shining brightly so we decided to walk about 2 miles to our afternoon event which was a ballet of the Great Gatsby.

It was INCREDIBLE! First, I LOVE the ballet. I did it as a kid and just think it's so beautiful. It was fun to get a literary combo out of this AND the music was amazing - just transporting you to the 20s, there were 2 AMAZING singers down with the band. The costumes were gorgeous, the set was so creative. It was GREAT, GREAT, GREAT!

Then we walked to an early dinner, stopping in this international, fair trade shop where we got a couple of CDs and he bought me a handbag I was eyeing as an early birthday present (not for 4 more weeks).

The restaurant was crowded, even at the early hour, so decided to have a drink at the bar while we waited and lo and behold - someone who went to my high school was our bartender! We had so much fun catching up that we decided to have dinner at the bar too!

And let's just say ... the day started and ended out just perfectly :)

Hope you all had a great weekend too or can at least live a bit vicariously... at least for the ballet part!