Operation: Get My Body Back - Week 3

I am loving this new initiative I created and love that so many of you have gotten behind it! It's inspiring to me to read about what you're doing!

Here's where I am:

• Writing down what I eat: I did a pretty good job this week, of course until we traveled and I was away on Sat & Sun and probably eating more poorly than I would have otherwise
• Weighing in: I still need to sign back up for WW (I let my monthly pass lapse when we did our last cycle)... I will do that this week AND weigh in. The Thursday leader is such a comedy show - I really enjoy going that day! My unofficial weigh in Friday night was decent but I need to make this official so I can actually track
• Exercise: I ran 1x this week, rode my bike everyday to work and to after work events and did bik.ram yoga 2x - I LOVE bik.ram yoga - it makes me so much more conscious of my body and what I'm putting in it. It's also what really brought my weight down earlier this year, after the last miscarriage.
• This Week: I commit to bik.ram yoga 3-4x, 1-2 runs, biking to work, writing down what I eat and keeping to my points allotment!!! and weighin in.

And in other news:

• Travel to NJ - We went to NJ this weekend for my cousin's baby's puja, which is an Indian version of a baptism. It was really nice to see them all again. And we took my parents too, so was nice to have some family time. BUT all that travel has got me exhausted!!
• India project - Work continues to be busy with our Indian office operations... we have some big meetings this week to decide our timelines for everything. I'd still like to know when I'm going!!

And on the IF front:

• I need to schedule an MRI and then get a consult w/a doc who will do a fibroid surgery on me. I'd like to try to get this done in July, probably travel to India in Aug, and then try for another cycle in Sept/Oct.
• I feel like I've been too busy to process the miscarriage, which is partially good. I also feel like many people's prayers must be working, which may be why I'm not feeling the impact of the pain as much
• I found myself, though, almost wanting to cry when I did bik.ram yoga this week. Something about that yoga brings out the emotions, so that's good that it surfaces, I guess...
• I've been a pretty bad commenter lately, but I am reading & trying to comment when I can. Once works returns to a bit more normalcy, I'll get back into it :)

Happy beginning of the week & for Operation: Get My Body Back, tell me how you did last week & what you are committing to for this week!

Thank You

You all are the best! Your support this week has meant the absolute world to me. It kept me going. I just find this community absolutely incredible when it comes to support, understanding and doling out love.

For those who regularly follow me, thank you for weeping along with me this week. And for those new to me, thank you for coming over to give me support during this time.

Thank you to whoever put my news on Lost and Found and Connections Abound. I got so much love from this.

The Infertile Mind wrote the sweetest post this week on Reflections on Miscarriages, mostly about me and how her own thoughts on miscarriage ebb and flow in her life. It's so powerful. She has an amazing way with words where you just feel her love oozing through. It felt like a gigantic amazing hug!

Determined to Have Joy wrote a post this week called Life.  We've grown close through this blogging world so I can't help but see hints of what I went through this week in a bit of her post. I've added it as part of My Favorite Posts on the right. I just love what she says! Thank you!!

I am just so grateful to all of you and for our community. My heart is just bursting with love for you all. Thank you, thank you for being there for me this week.

I'm doing much better. I really went into this not as hopeful so the actual pregnancy was a nice surprise and while it hit me hard with the miscarriage news, I'm rebounding better than I did last time.

I'm sore from yo.ga but glad to have bought my 3 month summer pass. I'm glad to be back on my bike ride to work. I'm glad to be going to India for work this summer without worry. I'll be glad to put the running shoes back on.

And I'm glad for this long weekend. We're off to Atlanta for a close friend's wedding. I hope I can be in a 'happy enough place' to enjoy the happy event and put on the happy face. And hope to enjoy some quality time with my husband.

Hope you all have a great long weekend whether you're going somewhere, relaxing, bbq'ing or whatever! :)

Yesterday

First of all, THANK YOU all so, so incredibly much for all your outreach so far. It's been truly amazing and has kept me going. I tell you, there's just nothing like our community. It really pulls us through. I cannot tell you how much it helped to keep seeing messages come in...

Especially after my afternoon. After I wrote my update and had talked to my husband, I called my mom. Big mistake. In fact, I've learned a huge lesson to not tell her next time we're going through treatment.

I was more or less ok & dealing, particularly after I talked with my husband, but then she had the nerve to say to me "maybe you walked too much" and "maybe you should have gone to the hospital right away". Ohhhhhhh, I wasn't going to take that.

I said, "this is not my fault. There is nothing I did or didn't do to cause this and I can't believe you're saying this to me when I'm in enough pain already." We just got off the phone. I called my dad at work and explained. He said he'd talk to her and he even urged me not to tell her next time we do this because he recognizes she can say insensitive things...

So, I left work... and left a big project that I couldn't concentrate on and feel badly that I didn't get it to my boss and just walked around the block and sat down and cried outside.

She called back later to apologize and by then I was more or less ok, BUT then she starts crying saying "I feel like I've lost a grandchild today." Goodness sakes!!! This isn't about you - it's about me. I'm sorry, but it just is. That's what I wanted to say but she was in pain and I wasn't going to cause her more pain. I just know I won't tell her anything the next time we do this. I've learned my lesson big time.

This whole thing with my mom is really too bad and ironic, actually. Here I am, wanting kids so badly and here she is saying all the wrong things to her child in pain. I just don't get it. I really hope that when we have children, I don't cause this type of added pain to them when they're going through something hard.

Onto next steps: fibroid surgery sometime this summer & try again this fall hopefully.

Until then, I wish I could just take some time off but I need to get through these busy projects at work and we're going to Atlanta for a wedding this weekend... and I wish we weren't going. I really just want to wallow for now. But I can't.

Immediate next step: excited to have bought a 3 month unlimited summer pass to my beloved bik.ram yo.ga studio. It helped me during my last miscarriage. I think it will help again.

Thanks again for your love, support and kindness. I give you all (((hugs))) back!

Self-Injecting was... Ok

It wasn't great. In fact, it was very angst-ridden.

Due to travel and unexpectedly not having my travel buddy, I had to self-inject for my IUI shot for the first time ever. Not fun. Halfway through I was really wishing I had looked up a nurse on craigs.list to help me or something!

For those of you who told me about ice - thank you!!!! I don't know why I hadn't thought of that even before. There's no way I could have done this without ice. Must have ice from now on.

So, I was sitting there in the hotel room with my husband on the phone trying to figure out the different needles and how to deal with the vials. It's much more complicated than I had thought. I have to say, much as I don't think I want to do this again on my own, I'm glad I know what actually goes on instead of looking away the whole time B is preparing these shots for me.

It felt like it an hour, maybe 1/2 hour, forever. Longer than expected. And there were 2 shots - yes, my dosage came in two. Ugh. And I had no idea how hard it is to actually push the syringe part down into you. Not the needle into you but once that's in, then pushing the stuff actually into you. That was the hardest, really.

When it was all said and done, I just kept crying. The stress of it all, plus the stinging. Even with ice.

It's done. I have some bruising. Sunday night, B can do this for me, only this time I'll actually know what he's doing.

Greater cause... greater cause. It's all for our little one who just hasn't shown themself yet!

So, thank you again, everyone for your support - that was awesome!!

***********
Now, to enjoying the rest of my time in Chicago! Off to a bik.ram yoga class this morning and then will do some much needed shopping!

Don't Let Anyone Steal Your Peace

You may have heard me post about my love for bik.ram (hot) yo.ga at least with Hot Yoga Lesson Tonight and Hot Yoga & Buddhim Applied to IF. I have found so many benefits beyond the physical with my yo.ga practice.

This week, an instructor said toward the end of class:

"Don't let anyone steal your peace"

I was thinking of this in the context of IF and I just kept thinking that it's the 'someone' I don't know yet who oftentimes steals my peace. This baby or these kids that I don't have yet that makes me feel unbalanced, not quite 100% me yet or something along those lines.

And am I letting this happen? Am I letting non-existent children steal my peace? Somehow, the answer is yes, and somehow I need to re-align my peace.

Any ideas?

Hot Yoga Lesson Tonight

Thurs night teacher is great. As some of you know, I do bik.ram hot yoga & love it. Tonight's teacher is the one that had the buddhism thoughts last week that I blogged about with this post called Hot Yoga & Buddhism Applied to IF.

Well, tonight she said:

"Relax like it's your job"

I liked it. Not for the 'just relax' comments we often get, but truly for us because we can get so stressed out, overwhelmed and all-consumed with IF.

What if we all relaxed like it was our jobs? :)

Hot Yoga & Buddhism Applied to IF

I've really gotten into hot yoga (bik.ram). If you haven't tried it and it's in your city, I highly recommend it. I never was able to get into the 'regular' kinds of yoga because I always found myself a bit bored and wanting to get up and RUN instead. But hot yoga feels like an amazing stretch, stregthening/weight lifting, and RUN all in one!

I used to go 1-2x/month all last year after a friend introduced me to it. It's pretty expensive and I was training for a 1/2 marathon but I kept coming back. And the when I wanted to lose extra weight, I thought, my ticket is going to be hot yoga (& Weig.ht Wat.chers).

It's hard stuff. Takes 1 1/2 hours. Most instructors are great and in the last 2 months that I've been going 3-4x/week, I've gotten to know a lot of them well.

Yesterday's was GREAT. She kept adding snippets of meditative/life advice type stuff, which, depending on the person and what's being said may annoy me but she was AWESOME. So, she said something like this:

"Buddhism teaches us to not focus on what is missing in our lives

but to live life as 'is' and be at peace with that"

It totally got me yesterday. She must have said it better (and she also didn't claim to be an expert on buddhim). Because what I just wrote didn't 'get me' again right now.

Oh well. Hopefully you get the point. I know we all try, try, try to live in the moment and be happy for what we have but it at least hit me yesterday and I'll try to carry that with me today, tomorrow and beyond. Hope it works for you too.