FET #2 & State of Mind Update

We've begun our frozen cycle #2. I didn't take a break after FET #1 did not work and this is our only embryo left from our first fresh cycle back in Jan.

I'm not sure how to feel. My counselor says I'm definitely struggling with depression. It's been hard to not have much energy for things. It's been hard to deal with Mother's Day and Father's Day seeming like they are back to back (we went backcountry camping for Mother's Day to get away from it all and I'm trying to plan an escape route for Father's Day too).

It's hard going through this cycle feeling a tiny bit hopeful (or else I wouldn't do it my counselor says) but also feeling like it's a bit pointless. I guess I feel so jaded now. FIVE miscarriages. 4 1/2 years of infertility. I just keep thinking - is this going to end??? And how are we going to get there? And I just want to be ok with however we get there - that's been my goal, to be as peaceful as possible throughout this process and I feel like I'm mostly failing at that.

I haven't been completely down in the dumps... we went to my in-laws for Memorial weekend and were part of my 8 month old niece's baptism and I just loved being with her. I've got a fun annual company meeting that I've mostly organized in Chicago this week and heading straight to my 15 year college reunion. And at the end of the month, I am heading to Atlanta for an HR conference I'm excited about.

So, it's not like I'm not doing things, but I certainly don't have much energy on the weekends and I feel social pressures of having to do stuff... and that's been hard. And it's hard to stay positive - that takes a lot of energy.

Please wish me peace for this cycle. If it doesn't work, I haven't decided yet if I'll take a break and try to go on a work trip abroad (which I would be excited about) or go straight into another fresh IVF cycle. I'm kinda thinking forge ahead - this was the year of IVF for us and I don't want to keep dragging out our family building. All these decisions are hard!

Miscarriage #4

I guess it's 'technically' not a miscarriage but the end to a chemical pregnancy. I just can't seem to make it past week 5 1/2...

It's been an interesting experience this go-around. I was elated in week 3 to be feeling symptoms - my sense of smell was crazy, sore boobs, tired... I was actually happy again. I couldn't believe it. With all my recent depression, to be happy again was such a foreign feeling that I just basked in it.

And then within 5 days, not feeling it anymore, so I knew something wasn't right. But still my period wasn't coming. I tested at home and negative result. Two days go by and I test again and just a faint second line showed up, so I knew something really wasn't right... but I also knew that I was kinda pregnant and that felt good.

I went to my RE and got confirmation that I was pregnant, but with a 75 beta result, so not great. Two days later, I start spotting and got my beta back that was down to 20, so no 'real' pregnancy.

But, I'll tell you this - I was happy to be pregnant and happy that it happened again so quickly after really trying. You see, I had fibroid surgery last summer. We tried in the fall and got pregnant on the 2nd try and then lost it at 5 1/2 weeks. All winter and spring, I couldn't try again - I just didn't want the hopefulness and disappointment. But this summer, I said, let's give this another shot and it happened again, on the 2nd try.

So now I need to figure out why I keep miscarrying at 5 1/2 weeks. Or rather, why I can't keep a pregnancy. The two we had prior to my surgery were via IUI and I really want to be determined to not have to do IVF... but I think we may be on that road because I realized I really do want this, at least I want to try for us to have kids.

It feels good to have a plan. AND most importantly, I'm not feeling as depressed as I was this past winter/spring/summer. I filled a prescription for anti-depressants but haven't started taking them. In fact, as soon as I filled it, I didn't think I needed them anymore. Maybe just having them there as my secruity blanket was enough. I hope. It's been a rough ride and I don't want to go back into that hole.

I've got a plan and I've got my mental health back (for now)... and that feels good for now.