I'm out on Face.book

In honor of Nation.al In.fertility Aware.ness Week, I came 'out' on face.book about my our in.fertility.

I'd been mulling it over and over the last few weeks wondering whether I wanted to be that public about it. I realized that I'm ready to be more public about it. We've sat with it for 3+ years now and I'm much more comfortable with it. I realized that I can raise awareness for others who either may just be in the beginning stages of their infertiliy journey and that I can potentially make someone who is going through this feel less alone.

I also know that most of our close friends and family knows about our struggles and those who don't have probably wondered so it didn't seem like such a secret. :)

Here's what I wrote:

it's National Infertility Awareness Week... Did you know that 1 in 8 men & women are diagnosed as infertile? This week I'll post more on this topic in the hopes of shedding a bit more light on this not-often-talked about topic & difficult journey that Bill and I have been on. Here's a great resource for friends & family: http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/

We'll see how it goes this week! I'm proud of what I've done though!

My Brother's Comments on FB

I feel terrible that my brother's comments on face.book affect me the way they do. He probably doesn't even realize it (of course he doesn't!) and even if he did, it's my problem. They shouldn't  affect me like this...

My brother has a 2 1/2 year old son and a 6 year old step-son. We love them both dearly.

Recently, with his wife's brother and sister-in-law's anniversary, he posted "make my boys some cousins tonight."  It really affected me. I know, he has a weird sense of humor to begin with (not sure that I would've posted something like that...) but I couldn't help but think that we want to make his boys some cousins - and in fact, they would already likely have one by now if we weren't faced with infertility!!!

I did think it was slightly insensitive on his part, but then again, even though he knows of our struggles, he has no idea how an innocent thing like that can come across.

And on father's day, he posted, "he did it! it was, like, 11:30pm but [my son] slipped it in in the nick of time, giving me my 1st ever "happy father's day." i thought i was gonna have to wait til next year."

Sweet, right? Yeah, well, it should be, but bitter sad me can't help but read that with a pained heart. Where's our child who will say happy father's day to my husband???

As you can see, I'm having a particularly hard time handling these types of things right now.  How do you all handle comments like this? Any advice on how I can 'buck up' and not take it so personally??? :)

Hormones, What IF Project Video & Face.book

I had just been thinking to myself that I was doing pretty ok with the drugs & my hormone levels have been in check. That is, until my husband said something insensitive last night... and I blew my top.

I mean, I screamed. I don't usually scream. And I was screaming. It was ugly. At one point, I felt like I almost had one of those out of body experiences where I was looking at myself screaming, thinking who is this person???

So when that happened, I started explaining that even though I'm still upset, I really think it's the hormones and I can't quite control it. It's all fine now. I had to tell B that my evil twin sister isn't welcome to come around anymore. He seemed to like that.

One more week for my pregnancy test. Next Friday morning. It's all such a balancing act with continous mind games, isn't it?

And, have you all seen the What IF project video? It's remarkable. What courage this person had. Miriam/Keiko from Hannah Wept Sarah Laughed just put it all out there. And I thought, if she has the courage, then I can say something about it on face.book.

Here's what I posted this week:

as follow up to National Inferlity Awareness Week last week, this amazing woman made an incredible video. Hope it touches you too.

I wanted to add: B and I have been waiting 2 1/2 years now for our miracle. But I couldn't. It's ok though. I think it was enough a lot for me to have put this out there. And you know what? Two people have commented and said it did touch them. Nice, huh?

Hope you watch it if you haven't already!

I came sort-of-'out' on Face.book

I found the courage to post on face.book. I felt like I had to. Like I needed to. The more of us that are 'out', the more it will no longer be taboo.

I say that, but I posted a pretty innocuous statement:

Because 1 in 8 is someone you know:

go to www.resolve.org/takecharge

 for National Infertility Awareness Week.

No one commented. Not that I expected them to. I just want it out there.

Having said that, I'm pretty proud of what I did. It's a beginning. But a good beginning. A great beginning.

I wish sometimes I had the courage of Stirrup Queens who is completely 'out'. She's making a mark. She's moving things forward. You guys have read about her trip to Capitol Hill this week? It's remarkable! I wish I could do that.

Maybe once I sort out my fears, inadequacies, pain, confusion... maybe then. But I don't think that ever goes away.

At least I hope my posting will let others know that they aren't alone if they are also going through this. And that they now have a resource two resources: me & Resolve. I hope I'm one step closer to breaking the taboo for others who just don't get it.

I think what I did was important for me. And for others.

Face.book Postings This Week

Have you posted anything on face.book this week about infertility? That is, if you're still using face.book?

I've wanted to so badly. In January, a friend of mine posted this on face.book:

Put this as your status if you or somebody you know has suffered BABY LOSS or INFERTILITY. ♥♥♥ The majority won't put it on, because unlike cancer, baby loss/infertility is a taboo. ♥♥♥ Break the silence. ♥♥♥ In Memory of all the ~Angel~ babies gone too soon but never forgotten, and the babies who were not possible but are so loved.

I was too chicken to do something similar then. Today, as I ran into this post at Being Jamie Lynn - a new blogger I found from ICLW, I was struck again by how I should post something. It's nagging me.

Jamie's generally asking us how 'out' we are about our infertility...

How out are you? And is being out on face.book different?

It is for me, for some reason. I'm out to my close friends & family. I'm out to my church family. But I can't (yet) be 'out' on face.book.

It's a much larger group, for one. And I don't know that I'm prepared for the response. I'm not sure what the response would be, if any. I think I'm also scared of no response.

Let's face it. Infertility is still considered taboo. People don't know how to respond. So, they respond stupidly ignorantly. Or they don't respond at all. Both of which are hurtful. Resolve has a great site for friends & family here.

As part of National Infertility Awareness Week, Resolve is encouraging us to post something along these lines on our social media pages:

Because 1 in 8 is someone you know. www.resolve.org/takecharge

(I might add that this is Nat'l Infertilty Awareness Week or something too.)

Can I do it? Can you? Have you? I'm curious what reactions you've had when you've outed yourself on face.book...

And I wonder if we're making this too much of a keep-it-to-ourselves type of thing. How can we expect it to not be taboo anymore if we continue to keep it all inside?

May Have to Hide My Friend on FB

Actually, I may have to hide my sister-in-law's sister-in-law on face.book. Yes, complicated. She's like family. We see her enough, and now thansk to face.book, have gotten to know her enough for her to feel like family.

And she's 5 or 6 weeks pregnant at this point. I blogged about her last week. She posted her positive pee stick on fb stating "Woohoo". The very same pee stick I took last fall. After 2 years of ttc and 2 IUIs. Except mine didn't make it to 6 weeks.

She's had her doctor's appt and is going back in 2 weeks to hear the heartbeat. She's not posting constantly about it. And in fact, those are the only 2 postings. Oh, and that she's eating for two now. Please.

And you know what? I hate that I sound this sarcastic. I hate that this has to be about me and not her. I hate that IF has robbed me of the innocence and joy of pregnancies. I've become bitter and I don't like it.

I wish I could be more positive and say, I'm not going to let this affect me and I'll be genuinely happy for her. But, I think I may just have to hide her, and maybe just go look at what she's posted every now & then. Or maybe only before the next time I see her.

If I hide her, though, I don't want to miss a significant moment for her and not comment. (I'm a fairly big fb commenter). What do I do???