Transfer Time & Counseling

Transfer time for our first FET was Mon, Apr 23! I've been doing well and for now, am feeling hopeful. We have another one frozen, so I'm kinda looking at this next phase as seeing what happens with these 2 frozen embryos. Feels good to be moving forward.

In the meantime, I think I began processing my last miscarriage from our first IVF a few weeks ago. I'd realize that about once a week when I was in bik.ram (hot) yoga, I'd just break down with overwhelming emotion... something had to change, so I scheduled myself back into my therapist.

That session was last Friday and already made a huge difference. I spent a lot of time crying in her office. The next day, B and I were at an event with friends we hadn't seen in awhile.One of B's friends came up to us to tell us how sorry she was about our miscarriage and it just struck me at how huge this has all been for us when B said 'yeah, this is miscarriage number 5 for us.'

I keep trying to brush this stuff off like I should handle it better, that in the grand scheme of things it shouldn't be that big of a deal, that other people go through harder stuff, etc., etc. but when I think of the last 4 1/2 years of trying to conceive with 5 early miscarriages with IUIs, IVF and surgeries... it IS a lot!

The hardest part still remains that people in general just don't get it. They don't get the pain. And it's all very invisible to most people. Our families still don't really know how to handle it (B's parents visited 2 weeks ago and B's mother said to me - "I know you're going through a lot emotionally, but how are you recovering physically?").

It's so clear that the emotion is just too much for most people... and that's what can hurt the most - feeling isolated and alone in pain that others either can't see, can't seem to understand or don't want to come near.

Thank good ness for my husband, my best friend, my pastor and another good friend - the 4 who have really been there for me. And thank goodness for my counselor, who is awesome, has gone through infertility and IVF herself and gets it.

And thank goodness for moving forward. I'm hopeful to see what these next 1-2 cycles will bring.

Thoughts on 2011/2012

First, Happy 2012! I know I've been a bit MIA this year but I manage to keep coming back. For those of uswho have been on this journey together for a couple of years now, I know we mean a lot to each other and want to know what's happening, no matter what stage we're in.

The stage I want to get to? The peaceful one! :)

2011 was all about grieving and trying to move to a place of next steps... in a way that would be peaceful for me. I'm sick of the highs and lows of the chase and frankly, I don't think my mental and emotional state could take that anymore.

Fertility journey 2011 highlights:

• Counseling via someone on the Resolve website; someone who personally and professionally understands infertility. She is someone who really gets it, having gone through failed IVF and moved onto adoption. I don't know what I would have done without therapy.
• Moving past that my mother and mother-in-law just don't know how to be there emotionally for me. This has by far been THE HARDEST part of my journey. I always thought I could 'go to my mommy' in the really hard times but she misses the mark almost every time, and, as a result, I've had to shut her out. I don't think she means it (I really hope she doesn't) but she can't seem to get it. And I thought that my mother-in-law and I would be close... and that her being a pastor would really help, but it hasn't. I have felt like the time that I've most needed a mom, I haven't had one and that pain runs very deep. I'm still trying to work through it.
• A mind/body/fertility workshop focused on meditation (I still can't really meditate!) that taught me to stabilize the highs and lows we go through with the infertility journey. I hope I can keep this mindset going through IVF treatments.
• 4th pregnancy in July (2nd naturally after fibroid removal in 2010) and then miscarriage at 5 weeks. Somehow this one was easier to 'get over' because of my such low expectations. Sad, I know...
• Agreeing on a plan: start IVF in early 2012 IF we can go on a trip in Dec 2011
• I haved LOVED international travel and get such a natural high off of it. The last trip we went on was 4 years ago, when we first started trying to conceive. When I knew I wasn't looking forward to IVF, I knew I needed something to get my spirits up again and help get me through the shots! Vietnam has been high on my list ever since I saw a picture in a magazine 10 years ago of Halong Bay. My dream came true:


• IVF - Here we come! I have very mixed feelings about this. I'm skeptical and jaded at this point and I think too afraid to hope that this could work but I know how important biology is to my husband... and I know I'd welcome a positive outcome. :) PLUS, I've equally (if not more!) become excited with the thought of adoption and I know going through IVF might get us closer to that (hard to explain but particularly with my husband having lost his father when he was young, exploring our biology is something he really wants us to do before we consider adoption and I'm supportive of that)...

My main 2 take-aways are: 1) I feel more confident that however we get there (IVF, adoption, ?) we will likely have our family someday (and also trying to feel ok with that potentially never happening for us). I also know if it is to happen, that it can't necessarily have immediate results, being 4 years into this already so 2) I want to focus on feeling peaceful no matter how this happens for us and no matter how long this journey lasts for us.

I wish you all PEACE for 2012!

xoxo

A Bit of a Silence

I've been pretty silent lately and was not a good ICLW participant. I feel badly that I've been neglecting my dear friends in blogland. But I've also needed this introspection time.

The last couple of weeks were difficult. I was still dealing with a lot of sadness and grieving important milestones of 'could have been's'.  I think I'm better, but each time I say that, I relapse.

What's going on this time? My last counseling session indicated that I'm now grieving the loss of the relationship that my mother and I had. That ever since this world of infertility I've been thrown into, our relationship has changed. And most signficantly, it changed this past spring as I was experiencing our second miscarriage in which I felt she blamed me for things I either did or didn't do. I'm still resentful of that.

And as a result, I'm processing it and have distanced myself from her - the person I thought I could always go to for everything, who was my comfort. Yet, she hasn't known how to comfort me in this trying time.

Just last week, after months of not talking about it, I re-opened up to her. I had told her again that I don't want advice and all I need is empathy. The conversation started out ok. She was offering me (albeit extremely awkwardly and forced) what I needed to hear - "I'm sorry you're going through this and that it's difficult for you". And then she did it: she offered me advice that I didn't want, telling me that I just need to accept my situation, that I'd be better able to move on if I just accepted it.

All that advice after I had also just told her that my counselor says this is different. That it's hard to just accept something when there isn't a finality to it yet.

I honestly don't remember what I said next but remember trying to just get off the phone because I just didn't want to hear it.

We're likely going to have to have another conversation about this but it just zaps my energy and therefore creates distance and makes me feel all the more that I've lost my mom - the mom I used to have. The mom who used to be able to comfort me.

I'm still grieving, not just for lost baby milestones but for my mother who can't comfort me the way she used to.