Comforting Pastor's Prayers

I had that moment in church again this week where I felt myself shielding myself from feeling anything. I didn't really even feel like going but we haven't gone in a few weeks since our dog died, and we thought we should go particularly to be there for others going through hard times.

It started when we arrived late and we couldn't sit in our normal place. The only obvious spot was behind my friend's parents who had their grandson with them. The grandmother, who had watched her own daughter (my friend's sister) deal with infertility and then successful pregnancy, thought she knew what I was going through... Last fall, she approached me saying those empty words to me "don't worry, it'll happen, look what happened to my daughter. It has to happen for you too." I know she meant to be helpful but... you know. So, I had to sit behind her.

And then I've been having a hard time lately with the children's sermon. Just seeing all those kids up there. And our church is growing and focusing on little ones right now and I can't figure out how to best process that.

Then, we heard about how a couple in our church was in labor that morning. This is a couple who I had journeyed with because they too had faced infertility and miscarriage. But I've felt hurt as they've gone on to have a pregnancy and have seemed to have forgotten about me. Not once since their pregnancy have they asked how I am...

And then the reading and sermon was about Lazarus and how Jesus resurrected him from the dead... How Jesus can hear our prayers.

I'm just not feeling comforted by it all. I wish I could. I wish I could be one of those people who turns to God for comfort but I've just felt more distant during these hardships...

I left church early, which was too bad because the last song was one of my favorites but I knew I had reached a breaking point and couldn't sit through Great is Th.y Faith.fulness.

My pastor called me later on and offered to pray with me by phone. We talked a bit about how I was feeling and then even though I wasn't feeling it, I allowed her to pray for me, right there on the phone. And... it was amazing. I still don't really remember what she said but I almost immediately felt comforted. She's got such a gift.

And then today, while announcing the couple's new baby (amidst complications that I was very worried about, though the mother is doing fine now), our pastor added this - which I know reflects me:

As we celebrate the arrival of a new baby in our congregation, we also pray for the families in our congregation who long to become parents but have not yet been able to do so. May God hear all of our prayers.

Comforting, huh?

It's Time for a Church Break

It seems odd, doesn't it? I need comfort. And going to church is supposed to provide that for me. I'm supposed to find solace and support at the place where I'm most likely to feel closest to God.

And maybe that's part of the problem - being in the place where I feel closest to God. The place where I feel most vulnerable because it's where I can most feel God's presence and open up.

But honestly, it's been a loooong while since I've felt close to God. So, it's not just that.

The children at our church seem to almost be there on purpose to made me feel more sad - make me feel more deeply what I don't have. There seems to be a focus at our church right now on growing the congregation with young families, so even when there are just a couple of toddlers in the entire place, we still have a children's sermon. And it kills me every time I watch it happen. When am I going to get my chance at bringing my toddler up there?

And even if there really isn't this intended focus (which I think there is), I get fixated on it more. And I'm there for over an hour with no escape. I see the newborn so clearly and then strive to avert my gaze upon it. I see the pregnancies so poignantly and I try to fight back tears the entire hour.

And what's ironic is that this week I became inspired to just 'go with it' and really convinced myself to not be obsessive anymore about when this is all going to happen for us. And then Sunday morning happened, once again.

My Sunday morning has become about mustering up the energy to not cry when I'm in church. How fun is it to go somewhere knowing you're going to sit and have to distract yourself to fight back the tears?

I think it's time for a break. I can't brace myself each Sunday morning for this type of draining energy.

I don't want to take a break, and frankly, I don't understand why this is happening. Church is supposed to be comforting. So then, why isn't it right now???

Why More Downs Than Ups Right Now?

I had a hard week. I couldn't get out of my funk of 'why not me?'. After hearing of our infertile friends this week who are now pregnant and not being able to figure out why I have these mixed feelings on it has just got me down. I am happy for them, but I'm also sad for us. But, why can't I just be happy for them and leave it at that? It doesn't always have to be about me...

And my best friend's growing tummy with #2, when we originally started trying to conceive around the same time, just keeps hitting hard to me that I'm almost at our 3 year infertile milestone. And it really hurts. And I've been anti-social in general as a result.

I went to church today because we had a big event and I felt I needed to be there for it. And I'm glad I had that excuse to go because I don't know that I would have wanted to muster the energy to go otherwise.

But as I sat there during service, looking over at my friend's growing baby in her body and our infertile friends who are now pregnant, I got the sadness for us again. Tears welled up and I just thought - here we go again. This is why I don't like coming to church when I feel like this. I see all kinds of families around me and I feel extra vulnerable and I just don't feel like crying on Sundays.

It's been a rough week and even though my fibroid surgery is supposed to bring me renewed hope, I'm having a hard time feeling it right now. I hope I can feel the hope again soon because this isn't fun...

Celebrity Musings, Exercise & Happenings

Goodness - have you all heard of Ce.line Di.on's news? Her 6th IVF was successful - with twins. Six. Six!

I can't even begin to imagine what six might feel like. Geez. So amazing for her. Makes me wonder if I should start doing acupuncture (she did). Congrats to her!

And what's this with Al and Tip.per??? I just don't get it. My pastor wrote a very thought provoking blogpost called Usefuleness if anyone is interested. It questions how & why we make relationships expendable... interesting spiritual food for thought.

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Operation: Get My Body Back started out strong... I went running yesterday morning - 3 miles. AND I went to bik.ram yo.ga last night but I started to not feel well. At all. In fact, 1/3 of the way in, I had to lay down on the mat, for the rest of the time. That's a long time. The class is 1 1/2 hours long. I felt miserable.

My stomach hurt when I got home. I thought maybe I was dehydrated. My dear husband made me some food. I felt better.

Then at 3am, I woke up with blood dripping down my leg and blood all over the sheets. I couldn't believe it. My period had ended 2 days ago. I just had pantyliner blood during the day yesterday. This, though, was an incredible amount.

Luckily B was sleeping in another room (forgot to get Clar.itin and he snores pretty loudly without it!), so cleaning up all that blood was not disruptive to him. But not fun at 3am either.

So... I decided to take the exercise easy for now. I may run or swim tomorrow but no yo.ga. That is intense and I have to ease back into this. My doc said that blood may be leftover disruption from the miscarriage.

I'm excited for those of you who were interested in Operation: Get My Body Back... so let's keep at it! What have you done so far this week?

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In other news, I'm excited for our annual Company Day on Friday. Being in HR, I'm essentially responsible for putting it altogether - presentations and team building activities. All 80 of our employees will be in town from other offices and signficant others are invited to a bowling event in the evening.

And then I'm excited for Saturday. Our church works really closely with this organization called Court.ney's Hou.se, which gets girls out of prostitution and into safe houses. It's remarkable work. This weekend, our church is putting together one of the rooms in this safe house. We painted last week and I'll be going over this weekend to get furniture we've gotten from craigs.list and get nice inspirational things for the walls, etc. So incredibly meaningful and had kept me going recently.

Monday's Thoughts on Sunday's God-Filled Day

Sunday morning's church service was AMAZING. Very God-filled.

We had a visiting pastor who told a story about how when she was 8, she hiked Yosemite Nat'l Park with her family and coming back down the switchbacks, she was getting bored starring at her sister's shoes. When she looked up, she saw the magnificent sky & trees and Half Dome on the other side with the river cutting the valley - and immediately started singing How Great Thou Art (her parents were both pastors, so she grew up knowing these songs). Her re-telling of this was beautiful.

During our sharing of joys & concerns last week, I asked for continued prayers as B and I are continuing to go through a painful time trying to build our family. After Saturday's day date with B and my newfound state of peace through blogging and support you all have given to me, I wanted to share my joyfulness and thank everyone for their prayers. It's also been such a relief to lift this up to our congregation and be 'out' with it so that this pain isn't just mine but others can help me through this.

A man also shared how he's in town visiting from Brazil and just happened to find us. He had literally just come from the airport!

For our closing hymn, our choir decided to switch up their line-up so that we could sing How Great Thou Art as our closing hymn. I LOVE this song and felt God's presence. The Brazilian man was into it, the visiting pastor was emotional, God was just everywhere. It was beautiful!

And ended the day by cooking taco meat & cornbread to serve & eat our Taco Fiesta at a nearby women's shelter.  Very God-filled indeed!

Did you feel God's presence this weekend? Did you feel humanity's kindnesses on you?

Where is God's Grace in All of This?

My pastor preached a sermon last weekend on The Suffering on the Innocent. It had me thinking a lot, especially about my last entry on Blessings.

Surely, I'm not innocent. I'm nowhere near perfect and I've done my share of sinning. But I can't help but be angry about my situation. And I can't help but feel, well at least I don't have cancer or my parents are still alive or whatever else enters my mind about all of our blessings.

What makes me angrier is how upset I feel hearing about others' pregnancies. How unfair is that! Can't I just fricken be happy for these people??? What is wrong with me!!!!!

And it mostly happens in church. Again, don't know if it's just me being more vulnerable in church as I'm worshipping (makes me sound like a crazy Christian - I'm one of those ultra-liberal Christians by the way).

This past Sunday in church it happened again. Only two young couples this time with their amazingly cute babies, and I can't help but feel why not us, God?? Why do we have to keep waiting??

How do I carry my pain with grace in all of this - and especially at church - where I'm supposed to be most 'Jesus-like' and genuinely happy for others and what they have...

For those to whom I'm closest to, I KNOW that if I just hold their babies, I'll feel God's grace. There's just something about feeling like you're a part of it all that makes a difference.

So, after service, I made a bee-line toward my friend's 4 month old and just held him. And felt God's grace.