Transfer Time & Counseling

Transfer time for our first FET was Mon, Apr 23! I've been doing well and for now, am feeling hopeful. We have another one frozen, so I'm kinda looking at this next phase as seeing what happens with these 2 frozen embryos. Feels good to be moving forward.

In the meantime, I think I began processing my last miscarriage from our first IVF a few weeks ago. I'd realize that about once a week when I was in bik.ram (hot) yoga, I'd just break down with overwhelming emotion... something had to change, so I scheduled myself back into my therapist.

That session was last Friday and already made a huge difference. I spent a lot of time crying in her office. The next day, B and I were at an event with friends we hadn't seen in awhile.One of B's friends came up to us to tell us how sorry she was about our miscarriage and it just struck me at how huge this has all been for us when B said 'yeah, this is miscarriage number 5 for us.'

I keep trying to brush this stuff off like I should handle it better, that in the grand scheme of things it shouldn't be that big of a deal, that other people go through harder stuff, etc., etc. but when I think of the last 4 1/2 years of trying to conceive with 5 early miscarriages with IUIs, IVF and surgeries... it IS a lot!

The hardest part still remains that people in general just don't get it. They don't get the pain. And it's all very invisible to most people. Our families still don't really know how to handle it (B's parents visited 2 weeks ago and B's mother said to me - "I know you're going through a lot emotionally, but how are you recovering physically?").

It's so clear that the emotion is just too much for most people... and that's what can hurt the most - feeling isolated and alone in pain that others either can't see, can't seem to understand or don't want to come near.

Thank good ness for my husband, my best friend, my pastor and another good friend - the 4 who have really been there for me. And thank goodness for my counselor, who is awesome, has gone through infertility and IVF herself and gets it.

And thank goodness for moving forward. I'm hopeful to see what these next 1-2 cycles will bring.

In Limbo Land

The last 2 weeks have almost been harder than the traditional 2WW. It's been the second 2WW - the post-postive pre-heartbeat stage. And it's been really, really hard.

Testing positive with low numbers isn't reassuring and bleeding, at times heavily, for about a week isn't either.

We've essentially been going through that yo-yo. The center says our levels are rising appropriately, but they aren't doubling. They say they look for at least a 66% rise. Well, guess what ours has been? Yes - 66%.

Throw on top of it stressful work right now and my mom who I haven't been calling because she can't be supportive in the way I need her to be, who I know is mad that I haven't been calling even though I've said that I'll likely need to communicate less while we go through IVF because it's so stressful...

And of course, the last 2 calls I've had with her (one just now) have stressed me out - she's just negative in general, was starting to say that maybe the reason we've had so much trouble is because my work is stressful... oh yes, just what I love to hear - it's my fault we've had problems. Sure, quit my job and I'm sure I'd get pregnant right away! That's exactly how it works! Oh yeah, and the other time I had a miscarriage because she said I walked too much - yeah, I'm sure that's exactly  the reason we miscarried... Yeah, and she wonders why I don't call more??? Hmmm, seems to make sense to me.

Grrrr. I wish I could just not call, for even six months or whenever we're done with IVF, and have it be ok then.

In the meantime, we have an ultrasound appt on Tues. Wish us luck. I'm worried mostly because of the bleeding... I just either want this to work or have us move onto another cycle.

Thoughts on 2011/2012

First, Happy 2012! I know I've been a bit MIA this year but I manage to keep coming back. For those of uswho have been on this journey together for a couple of years now, I know we mean a lot to each other and want to know what's happening, no matter what stage we're in.

The stage I want to get to? The peaceful one! :)

2011 was all about grieving and trying to move to a place of next steps... in a way that would be peaceful for me. I'm sick of the highs and lows of the chase and frankly, I don't think my mental and emotional state could take that anymore.

Fertility journey 2011 highlights:

• Counseling via someone on the Resolve website; someone who personally and professionally understands infertility. She is someone who really gets it, having gone through failed IVF and moved onto adoption. I don't know what I would have done without therapy.
• Moving past that my mother and mother-in-law just don't know how to be there emotionally for me. This has by far been THE HARDEST part of my journey. I always thought I could 'go to my mommy' in the really hard times but she misses the mark almost every time, and, as a result, I've had to shut her out. I don't think she means it (I really hope she doesn't) but she can't seem to get it. And I thought that my mother-in-law and I would be close... and that her being a pastor would really help, but it hasn't. I have felt like the time that I've most needed a mom, I haven't had one and that pain runs very deep. I'm still trying to work through it.
• A mind/body/fertility workshop focused on meditation (I still can't really meditate!) that taught me to stabilize the highs and lows we go through with the infertility journey. I hope I can keep this mindset going through IVF treatments.
• 4th pregnancy in July (2nd naturally after fibroid removal in 2010) and then miscarriage at 5 weeks. Somehow this one was easier to 'get over' because of my such low expectations. Sad, I know...
• Agreeing on a plan: start IVF in early 2012 IF we can go on a trip in Dec 2011
• I haved LOVED international travel and get such a natural high off of it. The last trip we went on was 4 years ago, when we first started trying to conceive. When I knew I wasn't looking forward to IVF, I knew I needed something to get my spirits up again and help get me through the shots! Vietnam has been high on my list ever since I saw a picture in a magazine 10 years ago of Halong Bay. My dream came true:


• IVF - Here we come! I have very mixed feelings about this. I'm skeptical and jaded at this point and I think too afraid to hope that this could work but I know how important biology is to my husband... and I know I'd welcome a positive outcome. :) PLUS, I've equally (if not more!) become excited with the thought of adoption and I know going through IVF might get us closer to that (hard to explain but particularly with my husband having lost his father when he was young, exploring our biology is something he really wants us to do before we consider adoption and I'm supportive of that)...

My main 2 take-aways are: 1) I feel more confident that however we get there (IVF, adoption, ?) we will likely have our family someday (and also trying to feel ok with that potentially never happening for us). I also know if it is to happen, that it can't necessarily have immediate results, being 4 years into this already so 2) I want to focus on feeling peaceful no matter how this happens for us and no matter how long this journey lasts for us.

I wish you all PEACE for 2012!

xoxo

On Taming the Jealousy & Feeling Alone

I'm not proud of being jealous, but I am. I have a hard time (still) dealing with others' pregnancies and everything-baby related. Especially when there is little attention on me and my problems.

I'm hurting - not as badly as before but I'm still hurting. And I need consolation. I need attention. I need empathy.

Infertility and miscarriages, though, create an isolated reaction from others. It's hard for people to know what to do, so they do nothing. Which makes me feel alone and ignored. And I'm sick of telling people that I need support.

With our last miscarriage, my sister-in-law who is pregnant, told my brother-in-law who told my husband that if I wanted to talk, I should call her.

Ok....

In the meantime, I've had to hide her fb postings because I can't watch her weekly "belly watch" photos and nursery pics and new car for the baby.

My niece is coming early Oct and I'll need to figure out a way to deal with it.

It's fascinating to me, that as long as people acknowledge my pain, I can be happy for whatever is happy with them - mostly dealing with baby stuff. But when no one acknowledges my pain, I don't feel like putting energy into their happiness.

You always think that people are going to be there for you when you go through a hard time. Well, it's been an interesting experience that people seem to disappear when you most need them. Or ignore you and only deal with all the happy stuff.

In other news, I have a consultation with another RE after Labor Day and this Friday we're heading to the beach for 10 days of relaxation!

I'm sorry I haven't been as active as a blogger and commenter as before but I'm still out here, trying to figure out how to not feel alone from people who claim to care and how to not be jealous. Hopefully vacation and a new doc may help!

Blocked Tube News & Vaca Coming Up

Wow, I haven't written in awhile. I'm not quite sure why.

Work has definitely had an uptick in hecticness! But I'm also wondering if I have as much a need for this blog. It may also be because I'm in limbo right now...

BUT the big news from last week was that as part of pre-IVF testing that I'm doing (in case we move to that as a next step), we found one of my tubes is blocked. This was news to me - I had an HSG done 2 years ago and I was all clear. I'm having a follow up consult with my doc this coming week to discuss.

I was actually really upset, crying on the table when they were showing me that it was blocked. What a blow! But I had also told myself going into all this testing to keep the long-term view on this. I didn't want to go back to getting knee-deep into every day details that would constantly alter my mood.

So, I allowed myself one afternoon of being upset and then I went back to big picture. A little easier said than done, but I think I did it (probably helps that work is so busy right now!).

I also decided to talk to my mom about it, knowing I was risking upsetting myself even more since she typically hasn't been able to support me the way that I need for her to. But - she came through and that made a TON of difference! So, maybe getting the emotional support means so much more to me than the physical challenges...

And I'm trying to keep my mind on our upcoming vacation - next Friday we leave for Spain!!! :)

5 Steps Back

I put up a good front sometimes on trying to be happy... my last post was all about The Happi.ness Pro.ject and how I'm going to do things for me that make me happy.

And then, I talk to my mom. And it all goes downhill.

Why can my family not figure out a way to best support me? Why does she continually bring me down rather than lift me up?

I feel like every effort of me trying each day takes 5 steps back when I talk with her. And yet, every time that happens, I resolve myself to distancing myself one more pace away from her.

What a way to live! If she only knew, she'd be crushed. I'm just so disappointed in the way our relationship is turning out right now, at the time when I would need her most.

Just there saying "would need her most" is a HUGE acceptance on my part. Normally, I would have said "when I need her most". But I KNOW that she just can't be there for me with this the way I would have wanted her to be. And that's been a HUGE loss on top of our already infertility-related loss.

How do you learn to expect so little out of people? How is life worth it when that's all you demand out of it?

My mom is such a downer. She doesn't mean to be, but she is. Just so full of negativity. Ugh. I have to just walk away and shake it off. It's almost too bad that she's family because I would have long stopped being her friend by now.

But what do you do when it's family? It takes so much energy and effort to do any one thing when I feel this low sometimes and it's all I can do to focus on positivity each and every hour of the day. Sure, when it's family, you can minimize it, but you can't make it go away altogether. I have to shield myself from it but then it just feels like I'm going through the motions with someone who I'd rather not be spending time with. even on a phone call.

So, I'll end this post with some positivity (some of which is repeat from yesterday):

• I signed up for a summer pottery class - something I've been wanting to do for 10 years! There's a studio in my neighborhood and I'm finally doing it. Yay!
• I bought a 3 month bik.ram yoga pass for the summer too! Yay for exercise and taking care of my body!
• I scheduled a massage for tomorrow. I needed to treat myself after that weekend with my in-laws and am finally getting around to doing it and so looking forward to it!
• I may be spontaneous and see a play this weekend, by myself while my husband is occupied. Yay to enjoying alone time and taking advantage of what my city has to offer!

But, seriously, if you have any advice on how to best deal with family that isn't offering the best support, please send it my way! :)

Emotionally Drained

For better or worse, I went to see my in-laws this weekend. I think that I'm glad I went but honestly, I don't know. It was emotionally draining, that's for sure.

Friday:
We arrived Friday, full of anxiety for me. My in-laws did well by addressing my needs immediately. As soon as we sat down, they said they wanted to talk about me and how I've been doing. I really appreciated that and we spent some time talking about how difficult it's all been for me especially recently.

I told them how my counselor has had me focus on our 3 miscarriage losses and how that grief has been hard. I told them how isolating infertility can be. I told them how I've had a hard time not being acknowledged. I shared with them that it can be hard for me to feel others' joys particularly when my pain isn't also being recognized.

I may have been more forceful than I needed to be, but I got most of it out. They explained how they have been praying for me but just haven't been sure what else to do. They also said how much they love me and support me. They gave me hugs and then prayed for me, which really helped. Their prayer included giving me strength for the weekend.

We then went to my sister-in-law's graduation from grad school. Surprisingly, her mother was extremely sensitive to me. I think K had talked with her mom about our struggles and my difficulties with my MIL, so this woman seemed to empathize with me and I so much appreciated that.

Saturday:
Baby Shower Day for SIL and BIL. I was actually pretty fine that day and was looking forward to sharing the joy of that day. I made sure to make myself busy and took my SIL's camera to take pictures all day including during present opening. That helped a lot.

The only hard part was feeling like once again, my pain wasn't really acknowledged. My father-in-law prayed before lunch and said "this day couldn't be any more perfect" and I thought 'yes, it can...'

I just think that B's family just tends to 'see the bright side of things' and doesn't realize that by 'ignoring' the not so bright side, it can make things worse for some...

Sunday:
The dreaded M's Day. I did not do well this day. This was a day I wanted to ignore altogether but knew that I couldn't with my in-laws... I had decided that I would skip church to go for a run but saw my in-laws before and managed to say "Happy Mother's Day" to my MIL and she, not thinking, replied back "you too, I mean, Happy Mother's Day to your mother..." It was very awkward and made me even more sad.

About 1/2 mile into my run, I broke down crying. I made myself keep running though which was good.

When I got back, I had a voicemail from my brother saying he was thinking of me today because he knew today would be hard. Wow. That meant so much.

But that made me break down again.

When I went to join B with everyone for lunch, I couldn't stop crying so he recommended that maybe I didn't go... which was good advice. I couldn't handle Mother's Day. I just really couldn't. And I didn't want to go. I just couldn't be social.

I went into a cute nearby town instead and the first shop I went into, the owner says "what brings you browsing today?" and I couldn't think of anything better to say other than the truth "honestly, I'm trying to ignore Mother's Day". Ha.

I had to join B's family after lunch before we actually left and that was hard because I just couldn't chit-chat and we had to sit there for 20-30 mins talking before we left. At least my MIL understood that the day was hard for me and said it was probably a good idea that I didn't go to church. She also said that she had hoped that the weekend hadn't been too bad for me.

So, take-aways from the trip:

• I'm glad we had our chance on Friday to let me share how I've really been feeling. B says he probably did his family a disservice by not really talking about it with them.
• I was pleasantly surprised by my sister-in-law's mother and her sensitivity.
• I'm glad my sister-in-law and I had a good conversation before I came and appreciate her.
• I wonder if I'll ever have a meaningful conversation with my BIL; he's just so private.
• I'm still not sure I'd do it all over again. It was extremely emotionally draining and I think in the future, if I'm really not feeling like I can be around others, especially family, I may need to just bow out of events. I've considered that for Thanksgivings and Christmases, etc. but thinking that I need to just be there and show up, but you know, I don't think I do.
• I really wish my family (his and mine) were somehow better able to support me. Maybe it's taking this long to finally be able to. Having my brother call on Sunday and my mom understand that I couldn't all her on Sunday really helped. And who knows, maybe this weekend will help with B's family's understanding...

The Email I Want to Send to My In-Laws

Here's the email I want to send to my in-laws regarding our upcoming weekend plans which includes my SIL's graduation from a Master's program, their baby shower and, of course, Mother's Day!

My FIL sent an email earlier this week on how joyful everything will be this weekend and it honestly made me a bit sick. Here they go again not acknowledging that we are also in the midst of pain. That while one side of the family is experiencing joy, the other is sad right now and we can't ignore it - and everyone should be sharing in all these feelings.

My husband really would rather I speak to them about all of this rather than send an email and suggested instead that I have a ready blog post! So, I'm sharing this here instead and hoping this leads to some good talking points for me this weekend:

Hello everyone,

B and I are looking forward to our visit and I appreciate all the thought that has gone into how to best support me/us during some of the weekend's festivities. I wanted to take a moment to try to express some things that we may hopefully get a chance to talk about but just in case we don't, you have an idea on where I'm coming from.

I know it can be really hard to understand what we're going through and I'm always open to talking about it and how to best support us, but just like any other experience in life, if we haven't been through it, it's hard to know what it's like. The easiest way to describe it is that pain is pain. We've all (unfortunately) had painful moments in our lives, so that is something we can all relate to, and probably easiest.

And while there's been a lot of sadness, it's not all doom and gloom in our household... B and I have felt closer than ever before and are so thankful for our strong marriage bond, we've been able to enjoy our nephews (and will enjoy another one in our midst as well!), I've had an amazing trip to India, we're both enjoying our jobs, etc, etc.

I think what helps the most is feeling like our pain is acknowledged. We talked about this at Thanksgiving and I wanted to revisit this. I've read recently that it's human nature to want to be heard. A parenting trick seems to often be to repeat what the child is saying so that they feel you are hearing them. As silly as it sounds, the same goes for me. It truly helps when people empathize and say 'that must be hard' or 'I'm sorry you're going through that'. By acknowledging my hurt, I feel heard and loved, and then feel I can go onto being able to more actively participate in 'normal' life activities. When I can't talk about my pain, when I'm not asked or when it's not acknowledged is when I start to feel like there's something wrong with me.

B may have shared with you this link for family and friend support from the Nat'l Infer.tility Association. It's extremely helpful in explaining a lot of what we go through and feel. It talks about family dynamics as well, particularly if another sibling is experiencing a pregnancy. 

I am also sharing with you part of our pastor's weekly church email below where her words make me feel completely acknowledged and supported.

So in the midst of many, many joys this weekend including simply being together as a family, I hope there will be time to also acknowledge that there is pain going on in our midst as well. I love you all and can't wait to give you hugs. And all the best to K to wrap up her projects this week! I do know what that's like :)

love,
me

Our Pastor's email:

We have many prayer concerns in our congregation, and I invite you to please join me in praying for the following people and needs: 

• K still in the hospital with hopes of going home tomorrow.
• B will have surgery tomorrow morning at 8:30.
• R is waiting for additional news regarding her recent cancer diagnosis.
• M, B and ML are also facing health challenges.
• You are also invited to keep the women in our church who are struggling with infertility in your prayers. Mother's Day can add additional pain to what is already a painful place of emptiness.
• Finally, you are invited to please pray for the people of Alabama and others across the South who know too well the pain of violent storms. We'll be taking a special collection for the Uni.ted Meth.odist Com.mittee on Re.,ief, and you are invited to give. I'm also wondering if it is time that we respond with our bodies - that we go and help rebuild. Is this something you might be interested in doing? Please let me know.

So, maybe this is an email template you can use?

 

I still can't help but feel that we are in enough pain already. Family (and friends) often say they love us and want to be supportive. So, then why does it seem so hard for some of them to do???

 

If I was getting what I needed from them, then I think this whole experience would feel completely differently for me. It just adds to my sadness that they are not there for me in the ways in which I need them to be.

 

Maybe talking it through this weekend will help? I'm not hopeful but willing to trust my husband and give it a try...

 

Oh the Drama!

My sister-in-law's baby shower is this weekend. I've been mulling it over for weeks and weeks including this post from several weeks ago entitled Preparing for SIL Baby Shower in May.

Well, it's finally here - this coming weekend. I was 99.9% sure I wouldn't go and called my sister-in-law to let her know. As we were talking, I felt her understanding and compassion, and suddenly I realized that I wanted to be there for her - it was just not knowing how to best deal with my mother-in-law who is the difficulty for me right now.

My SIL offered the suggestion that we stay somewhere else - the baby shower is supposed to be at my MIL's house so being at her house around the decorations might be too hard for me. Plus, I just need my physical and emotional space this time around.

So, I was all geared up with that plan and called my MIL to tell her and you know what she does? She cries that she's upset we wouldn't be staying with her. I really sometimes can't get over this.  This is my pain we're dealing with so why can't she have a little more compassion?

I get the sense that because she's talked to other women who have miscarried that I should just be able to get over this. B tried explaining to her how painful this experience has been.

She's a pastor on top of it all. So, I just don't get how someone can be a pastor and claim to love a family member yet just not know how to be understanding or compassionate toward us.

I get the sense that all she's concerned with is being able to express her joy over this new baby.

My husband really thinks that he's explained the emotional aspects of what we're going through enough with her that we should be able to have a good weekend. I'm not convinced.

How is it that I can have an amazingly meaningful conversation with my SIL yet my MIL causes me so much angst on top of an already pained heart that I have?

Why is this so hard for her to understand? Why can't it be enough to say I'm in pain? Why can't she just have compassion for us?

To Go or Not To Go... to the Baby Shower?

I'm still feeling very conflicted over going to my brother- and sister-in-law's baby shower in 2 weeks...

It was originally just supposed to be her graduation celebration from grad school and now my husband and my mother-in-law want to do a small, family baby shower for them also. It will be at my mother-in-law's place, where we are staying.

It's also on Mother's Day weekend and B and I agreed to leave Sun morning and go to a B&B and then do something fun on Monday.

Here is why I'd want to go:

• To celebrate my sister-in-law
• To be part of the family
• To not be selfish
• To be there for my husband

Here is what I would need from them if I go:

• Not ignore the fact that I'm grieving and that sometimes baby-related things make me sad
• Pray for me before and after the event so that they are actively partaking in my grief - I am part of the family after all and if I'm to participate in their joy, they need to participate in my sadness
• Talk about other things than just the pregnancy

Here are my conflicts:

• They say they care but haven't shown they can properly support me
• I think I'll likely feel sad and don't need to feel that way if I can help it

Here's why it may be better if I don't go:

• They are able to enjoy the event with pure joy without having to think about me & my sadness and grief
• I save myself from likely feeling sad & ignored

I thought writing this out would make it clearer. When I was discussing it with a friend this week she asked me "why do you want to go?" because it really didn't seem clear.

It seems to all point to not going but there's something inside me that's uncomfortable with that decision too that I can't put my finger on other than I want to be there for her in her moment of joy (even though I'm not sure I've really felt her be there for me in my sadness). I also don't think life needs to be quid pro quo and therefore I'd like to be there for her even though I haven't felt that be reciprocated.

I know many of you have offered helpful advice on just staying busy at the shower but I'm afraid that may not be enough. I think what I really want is to feel acknowledged for what I'm going through. And I don't think that's too much to ask for.

I guess it comes down to whether they're able to do that for me or not. And I'm not sure.

So... to go or not to go?

Back to Counseling

I've gone back to counseling. I can't seem to figure out how to best deal with disappointments I have with my family members AND I want to further explore what could be our next step.

Disappointment of Family Members:

• MIL: I'm terribly upset with my mother-in-law and how insensitive she can be toward me. From going on and on about ultrasound pictures of my sister-in-law to me to not acknowledging my pain and hurt over our dog dying, she just doesn't get how to empathize and be sensitive. The way she is with me when I'm going through something painful makes me feel ignored.
• My mom: She just sometimes doesn't have a filter. So, while most of the time we can have a fine conversation, I never know what she'll say related to fertility and it can catch me off guard. She also just doesn't know how to listen and really be there for me, which has left me feeling like I just don't have a mom when I need one the most.
• The rest of my family (dad, brother, sister-in-law and father-in-law, brother-in-law and sister-in-law): They are just utterly SILENT. They don't really ask about how I am and acknowledge how painful this must be.

All of this makes me feel alone (though thank goodness for my husband, best friend, close friend and pastor!). It also  makes me question what family really means. People always say that family is there when you really need them, but I haven't felt that to be so in my case.

Next Steps:

I've been thinking a lot about being childfree and really feel being pulled in this direction. To me, trying to conceive and build our family has been nearly nothing but a painful road for us. It seems natural that after 3 years, fertility treatments, 3 miscarriages and surgery I'd say 'no way' to that anymore.

When I look back at trying to build our family, it's a dark and sad time in my life. When I look toward the future without any of that, I can see rays of sunshine.

I've had to accept and embrace the things are are in my life and stop focusing on what isn't.  In doing that, I've been able to really feel happy about my life and take advantage of what life without children brings to me.

BUT I also know that not being a mother is something I never envisioned for myself. And I know that my husband still wants us to keep trying, so my immediate next step is counseling.  I want to try and see if I can sort out this pain enough to potentially feel like wanting children again or if my husband and I have further discussions ahead on trying to deal now with different wants.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes!

Mourning the Loss of Our Precious Dog

His name was Profit. Though we had a million names for him. One of my favorites is Precious P.

He was a Chesapeake Bay Retriever. He lived 14 years and 4 months. He had a really, really good and active life - was totally a fetching and swimming dog. Old age just got the better of him.

It was so hard when he leg finally gave out on him last Friday night and we knew we'd have to take him into the vet to put him down.

Saturday morning was bittersweet. We got to spend some great quality time with him, petting him lots and giving him tons of love. I'd never been through something like this before so being with him as he passed was such a privilege but also just so, so hard.

And yet, the grief I felt was just too familiar. Grieving 3 miscarriages in a year on top of infertility for 3 years... and then to lose our dog. It feels like too much.

He really was our baby - we always called him that.

And it just feels so empty and quiet now without him.

We love you Preciousness!

Reflecting on Turning 36 & Children's Educations

Happy birthay to me! :)

When does middle age start? I kinda feel like now-ish. 35 seems to feel like an end to something. And I keep asking myself - how is it that I'm 36?

I guess I'll be of the mindset that age is only a number. It's how you feel. And what you do with your life that can make you feel any age.

And yet I'm reminded by someone's recent post who watched her neighbor grow up into a young woman who is now married and pregnant - and this someone posting said she was old enough to be this person's mother. And I thought I'm old enough to be an 18 year old's mother! Yikes.

Yikes for me, but not for a lot. Some of us looking into adoption are potentially looking at babies of mothers around that age.

I was with my brother and sister-in-law this weekend, away from my parents, so I got to see another side of them, perhaps the truer side of them. Her 7 year old is in a read-a-thon at school which involves him reading at least 15 minutes a day. I was very interested in this as I love books and for almost every occasion I get my nephews books, knowing full well that I may be one of the main people exposing them to books in their lives (my dad may be the other).

She explained the program to me and said sometimes I just let him think that it's been 15 minutes because I can't take spending that much time reading with him.

Yes, that's right - she can't spend 15 minutes reading with him. How is that possible??? I said bring him over anytime, I'll spend 2 hours reading with him!

It made me so upset that I talked about it for the rest of the weekend, with my husband, with my friends. It was so incredulous to me. Maybe I'm not being fair. Maybe I don't know what it's really like to read books over and over and over again...

And then she talked about how her mother used to get on her about how much she drank and whether she was able to take care of her kid (at the time). And she boasted that she feels she can drink and take care of her children. Like that was a big feat.

Yet, I'm reminded that my brother's wife had her first child at 19 and then the next one by accident as well 4 years later. These were both unplanned children. And that's not to say that they aren't good parents or can't put in the effort now.

But I couldn't help but feel like these kids are somehow potentially doomed. Or will most likely have a pre-determined route based on what they're exposed to, or rather not exposed to. And I mentioned to B that maybe we shouldn't put as much in their 529 colleage savings plans... I can't help but feel like how can they say school's important but then get annoyed at reading with their kids? Or maybe education isn't the only thing that predicts making it...

My husband just said that this is all the more reason we need to keep up their 529s, to give them incentive and encourage their educations.

I will do whatever I can to expose them to books, reading, education. In fact, I walked into a bookstore that's closing yesterday and bought several books for them... for Christmas already!

And, I plan to spend part of my birthay reading. :)

Preparing for SIL Baby Shower in May

How do I muster up the... the what? courage? emotional stamina? for my sister-in-law's baby shower in May? This is for B's side of the family...

I've got some time to prepare but I'm sure that if I don't do the work now, that date will soon be upon me and I will be unprepared.

I could always not go, but I'd rather try to prepare and think I can deal with it.

It's going to be a big ordeal and I'm actually surprised that it will be a big ordeal. And I don't know if I can handle a big ordeal.

It's mostly my mother-in-law, though. I think she's the one I have to prepare for the most. She will likely say 20 things that will bother me and I need to figure out if I can let it just roll off or what.

In thinking this through, wespent Saturday with my side of the family and micraculously without any references to pregnancy. In fact, after awhile, I was the one who asked my (other) sister-in-law about her best friend who just had a baby and her sister-in-law who is expecting in April. It actually felt good to be able to talk about it all and feel normal about it.

I really do just want to be normal. But I also know that what we're faced with isn't normal, so trying to create normalcy is challenging.

And in the meantime, I have to contend with our church's focus right now on our toddlers and babies, and it can sometimes get to me. Not as much as it used to but still... The good news is, I spent time with my nephews and my best friend's kid this weekend and loved every second of it!

Seven weeks till this big baby shower. I can do it! :)

Happy For Them, But...

I feel like nobody in my real life really understands how I'm feeling right now. And I don't know what I would do without this community and without my monthly support group. Thank you for your supportive comments this past week.

And I feel like I'm being whiny about this and really want that to stop.

But: my brother- and sister-in-law posted their ultrasound pictures to fb yesterday. And while I'm happy for them, this really caused a stir in me. And I don't like that it did.

Why can't I just be plain and simple happy for them? Why does seeing their ultrasound pictures have to create mixed emotions for me?

And now I'm wondering if this really does mean that I want to start trying again. So much in me is saying no way. I'm not ready and don't know if I ever will be again.

This time last year, I was still grieving our first miscarriage (I keep calling them miscarriages but I know they were only biochemical pregnancies since I never make it to week 6, so not sure what it is but it still feels like a loss). It took me a long while to get over that. And it wasn't until April when my best friend told me she was newly pregnant with #2 and after I cried and cried over our sadness still, that same weekend I decided I was ready again.

So, I'm wondering if that's happening now. I don't think so but I don't understand why this is making me so upset when I'm generally happy with our lives and with our decision right now, and I am happy for them...

Needing a Mom

So, my mother-in-law calls me, leaves me a message saying - your birthday is coming up, we're thinking of you... I'm thinking oh, this must be her way of reaching out to me over the awkwardness of them announcing they are going to be grandparents to my brother-in-law's pregnancy.

Our conversation starts out slow - what are you doing this weekend, it's snowing where we are, etc. And then I realize our conversation is potentially going to end and there's the big proverbial elephant... on the phone.

So, I bring it up and say "I know it's been awkward with R & K announcing their news of their pregnancy and I want you to know we are thrilled and excited about it... and at the same time, it can't help but raise sadness with us for what we've gone through."

And she says something like "oh, we understand and appreciate you saying that. We are excited. You know, I've been carrying around the ultrasound pictures with me everywhere I go... and B was sharing with me that you were considering IVF; wouldn't it be great if you and K could be pregnant at the same time?"

Wait - what????

I am NOT considering IVF. We might have been but definitely not anytime soon.

So, no. K and I will not be pregnant at the same time.

In fact, I went on to tell her that I'm really protective of my peaceful state because I'd been depressed for so long having to go through infertility and 3 miscarriages and I just want to focus on the joys that are present in my life right now, rather than continuing to focus on what is not there, and that it doesn't seem worth it to me to risk more depression to get there.

And she continues by telling me that yes, it is worth it. That having a baby is incredibly worth it and for me not to lose hope.

Blood is boiling at this point in the conversation and I just reiterated that I'm really happy right now and maybe we'll re-evaluate after some time, but I just can't be depressed like that again.

Our phone call was terrible. I'm sure she felt awkward and I was just infuriated.

And I fully recognize that grandparents have their own dreams wrapped up in our family-building plans and that I may have been bursting this (crazy) dream she's had of 2 grandkids at the same time. But this has to be about us, not them. They don't get to make this about them after all we've been through.

The most disappointing thing I've had to realize is that both my mother and my mother-in-law just can't be there for me in the ways I wish moms were able to be. And I've had to learn the hard way by trying, and trying, and re-trying. But it just doesn't work with them. This was my last attempt with her.

And it's just disappointing. More than anything right now, I need a mom. I need a mom to be there for me, to listen to me, to love me and support me. But neither of them can do that for me, so I feel like I just don't have a mom right now. And that's made me sad. And makes this heartache of infertility all the more difficult.

Mixed Emotions

I'm still trying to process the news of my brother- and sister-in law's pregnancy that we learned about on Sunday and the way in which they told us.

I think I'm partially mad at myself for getting upset. I'm disappointed that I can't handle it better and just be plain happy for them without getting my emotions tied into it.

Mostly I felt sad and alone because the only 2 people I talked to about it (my husband and best friend) basically told me to "look on the positive side" about it... which I already know and just have a hard time with. I felt like I wasn't being fully heard which can feel isolating and can make me feel like I'm wrong to feel the way I feel and therefore I think to myself I must be crazy for not being able to be normal about this.

My sister-in-law and I had a nice email exchange about it on Monday. I appreciated her saying that she knew their announcement would come with mixed emotions for us and they weren't sure, and still aren't sure, of how to best handle talking about it with us and want to respect our space on it. That made me feel a hundred times better. Awwwww.

My mother-in-law I still don't understand. And I think she hurt me enough to where I don't know if we'll ever get to a point of feeling close, and this certainly put more distance between us. I know she means well, and I should give her credit for that, but the outcome is just hardly ever what is helpful.

I'm glad she could talk gush to B about her excitement. And I'm glad he's unphased. But, I'm not and I can't take it. And I think that's ok. I know their pregnancy is not about me. But I also know the pain I've been in because of infertility and I don't think it's too much to ask to not gush infront of me.

And I also don't understand why she can't reach out to ME about this. She calls him to talk about it. She did it after our miscarriages. She does it now. I'M the one affected, so call me!!!

But this is a difficult thing to navigate and I have to remember that I'm 3 years DEEP into this and no one else is. So everyone else's level of understanding is much lower.

I've been watching Parent.hood lately. And I've appreciated how they've brought aut.ism and As.perger's to light. And it's made me wonder all the more about how I may not be/may not have been as sensitive to certain people on things I don't know much about. And I can't help but think of how I need to give that same perspective on how others deal with me on infertility.

There's always something to work on, I guess!

Sadness Triggered

I knew it was just a matter of time. I've been feeling peaceful and happy with our lives, knowing that this state is extremely precious and temporary.

Last night, my brother- and sister-in-law announced to us that they are expecting.

I was fine... at first. And not just fine but - happy. I told them that I've been enjoying being an aunt and that I can't wait to be again.

But they had us on speaker phone with B's parents too. And after awhile, I knew I was moving into danger zone. I was no longer peaceful. I was sad. And the tears started and then I couldn't control myself. B got us off the phone relatively soon. And I lost it to the point of hyperventilating. It was really, really bad. That pain is just so deep and so dark...

I'm not sure what triggered it. It could have been anything, right? That news alone can be difficult enough for us no matter how peaceful we're feeling.

My mother-in-law at one point said something about how excited she was that they brought ultrasound pictures over with 'nana' and 'poppa' written on them. She also said that she was excited to have gone to our family friend's baby shower Saturday and wondered when she'd be able to get excited about being a grandmother.

Yes - that was it. I thought 'what?????'. Did she really just say that? What does she think we've been trying to do??? And can she not think for a second how hurtful that might be for us.

The only way I could equate it (which is still far off I realize) is: I've just reached my goal weight and am very happy and proud of this... but I would never tell my friend who struggles so hard with her weight. It can be like telling someone you're promoted when they are unemployed. You just don't do it. Or you do it gently.

Yeah, I should be a bigger person and be able to be truly happy for them without bringing my own issues into this. But, isn't that nearly impossible for us? And isn't it not too much to ask for a little compassion?

There was no acknowledgement of 'we know this news might be difficult for you to take...'. And for all they know, I'm still depressed like I was at Thanksgiving.

The grace in all of this: Our brother and sister in law each wrote us last night and mentioned that it probably wasn't the best idea to call with his parents... and that they wished his mother hadn't said insensitive things.

Ok, good. At least I wasn't going completely crazy in thinking these things. And at least they really do care and thought out how to best tell us the news, and then realized that they probably should have done it differently.

And I hope that I can be truly happy for them as this news processes through me. I want to be the happy aunt. I really do.

Our Parents' Essence of Us

As many of you know, I had felt dismayed over the way that my parents and my parents-in-law have treated me particularly in the last year when I was at my lowest with our infertility struggles.

I just felt like they didn't do enough. I'm still upset with my mother who seemed to have blamed me for one of our miscarriages (though working on getting over it & forgiving) and for overall just not saying the right things. And I still don't understand how my in-laws stayed silent throughout it all.

Here I was in the depths of sorrow, mildly depressed, no energy, jealous, sad, angry... and I just couldn't get the support from the people who are family.

What a disappointment.

And I'm beginning to become aware of this phenomenon that our parents like the essence of us but may not really know us.

They think they know us, but it's become apparent that they just don't. Both my husband and I feel this way. They hardly know what we do for work (which we both feel passionately about). And in general, they don't really ask probing questions about things that really matter to us, things we're into, what we care about...

I can't help but think that our parents love us, but if they are not in our day to day lives, they can easily get stuck in remembering us for who we were, back when we did live with them...

I've felt disappointed that they seem to place so much importance on family, but then don't seem to want to really know who we are, at our core. The relationships with them just don't seem as authentic anymore. I've felt this way for a long time.

About 5-10 years ago, I began traveling moreso than I had done before, venturing outside of my only-having-gone-to-Europe zone... to Thailand, Tanzania, Costa Rica... I'd plan my trips a year ahead of time, saving money each month looking forward to this, but my parents seemed only mildly interested. You see, they hadn't moved forward with who I was becoming.

And with my in-laws, I had had a big coming-to conversation over Thanksgiving this year, writing them an email ahead of time letting them know how I was feeling and that I wanted to talk about our struggles, that it hurt when no one ever asked.

And, after all that, my mother-in-law calls me yesterday. I haven't gotten a phone call from her in months, maybe even close to a year. And you know why she called? To find out the color of the tie that my husband wore on our wedding day. They are re-painting their bathroom and want to paint it that color.

"And you're doing well?" she asked, hurriedly from the store. "Yes, I'm fine, " I replied, knowing that she didn't really want to know.

And for once, I wanted to say yes, I am fine! Better than fine - I'm GREAT! And did you know I'm going to India this Friday??? She still doesn't know that. She doesn't really want to know...

It's just the essence of us that they want, it seems.

How We Need Our Moms

I had an a-ha moment this past week. A friend was over whose sister lost her husband a year ago. It's sad & tragic. They'd been together since college, had recently married and 6 months later died suddenly.

One of the hardest things about my friend's sister is dealing with her mom - who is a sweet woman but who just doesn't seem to know how to be there for her daughter.  And, in turn, it hurts their mother to know that she has to tip-toe around her daughter...

I couldn't help but relate it to me. And what me & my mom had gone through this past year. She just couldn't be there for me the way I had needed her to be. It hurt that during a time of the worst sorrow I've experienced, I felt like I didn't have my mom.

Everything she said (or didn't say) was wrong.

She said all the (empty-sounding) "comforting" words of don't worry, it will happen soon (oh, yeah, when?) and there are worse things that could happen (yeah, I know I'm not dying) and just relax (ok...) and you have so many blessings (yes, and it upsets me even more that I can't seem to focus on those instead!!!).

And what she didn't say - I'm sorry this is so hard for you/that you're going through this/that you're sad.

My friend's sister has a hard time calling her mom. And when they do talk, it lasts a minute or two. The words How are you? seem loaded to her.

I can relate. I can so relate.

That time my mom called to say are you mad at me, you haven't called in 2 weeks... Well, the reason I hadn't called was because it just took too much effort to talk to someone who wasn't there for me. It made me feel even more alone to not have her be able to comfort me.

And even though I couldn't see it then, I had to trust that it would pass. That my mom & I would be able to just be "us" again... somehow.

This weekend, I drove an hour to have lunch with my parents, not out of obligation, not because they asked, not because it had been too long, but because I wanted to.

Sure, it's still not great to think about how I needed her last year and she wasn't that person for me. But I feel like I'm past that now, living life again, and only now can I feel like we have our relationship (back) again. I say (back) because I know it's not exactly the same. It can't be. But it's close. Closer than we've recently been, at least. And it's only able to be because I'm not in the depths of my sorrow anymore.