Saturday, December 4, 2010

In a MUCH Better Place, Dare I Say Peaceful?

I AM in a much better place. I don't know how it happened. Maybe it was getting past Thanksgiving. Maybe it was my in-laws finally talking with me. Maybe it's the work I'm doing with a counselor who specializes in infertility. I don't know. But I'm grateful.

I didn't think I could get here. And who knows how long I'll actually stay here. But I want to surrender this bitterness. And I think I have.

I somehow was able to deal with our 3rd miscarriage over Thanksgiving with amazing grace. I think partly it's because I knew what our chances were from our first beta and therefore prepared myself. But I also think a remarkable peacefulness has overtaken me.

It was so nice to finally talk with my in-laws about everything. I especially bonded with my sister-in-law who I really appreciate now that we've talked in depth about a lot of this and what it's also like to be the in-laws in this family. :)

My counselor has been great. We've spent a lot of time talking about my mom and how disappointing it's been for me to feel like I've 'lost' her in not being able to talk with her about this the way I had been about everything else. She explained that people normally have 2 natural reactions when loved ones are in distress - fight or flight.

My in-laws clearly had 'flight' by not talking to me about it at all. And my mother had fight. She wants to make my pain go away so she says all the 'unhelpful' things rather than just acknowledging my pain. It helped to understand that. And it also helped for her to let me know over Thanksgiving that she's understanding that I'm going through a hard time and that she'll wait for me to be me again whenever that may be. She'll be patient with me is basically what she was saying.

I also saw our embryo in the toilet the Friday after Thanksgiving. I really wasn't ready for that and couldn't flush for the longest time. I just kept starring at it wanting to find more meaning in all of this that is happening to us. It was just a very striking moment for me.

And I think back on our fertility journey so far - on what the last 3 years have meant, and what this last 12 months have bee like - 3 miscarriages, starting and ending at Thanksgiving, and a surgery. It's been quite a year. And I'm ready to acknowledge it and move past it.

I know this is going to be a long road for us and I'm prepared to keep at it but equally prepared to enjoy life again and fully embrace it. Much easier said than done and I know I'll have little pangs of sad childlessness but I also know that I don't and won't feel that way most of the time anymore.

And we decided to use our miles and take off for a vacation to the Tu.rks and Cai.cos after Christmas and through New Year's! Yay!


  1. I am happy that you are in a peaceful place. I can imagine what a relief it is to feel that way. I am glad things went well w/ your in-laws and hope things continue to improve w/ your mom.

    i hope you have a great vacation. I look forward to seeing pictures

  2. I've been waiting to hear from you...glad you're doing well....I am sure that it's a lot easier to deal with the pain when you sit and think about it with a fresh new...peaceful perspective....I hope wonderful things happen on your vacation....sounds awesome.

  3. Oh good, I'm glad you are finding some peace. Talking to a therapist helps, but I also think that time helps to heal these wounds and help us move to another place.

    Turks and Caicos, yeah!

  4. should come to Nor Cal and come visit instead :)

    Hard to understand how others feel towards us during all this. Glad you're putting yourself in their shoes "fight or flight" is unfortunate but hopefully they'll be able to talk about it soon.

  5. This is a great post to read this morning. Happy for this peaceful feeling. Jealous of your trip!

  6. So good to read this post and hear what a good state of mind you are in. Hoping you continue to channel that strength you hold within and find joy through life in spite of infertility.
    Also so happy to hear you found such an awesome counselor who is supporting you. Thinking of you and sending love my friend ((hugs))

  7. Very nice to hear this. I'm sorry about having to see your embryo in the toilet and flush it. That's really tough. But I think the counselor is really working wonders. Peace is a priceless gift to receive, especially during the holidays.