Commemoration

Turns out my resolution continues, it's not just a "I'm done, I'm resolved."

This week I did two things:

1. I finally decided to have a closure phone consult with our doctor.

We had sent him the results of the autopsy back in March when we got them. He called and expressed empathy and said he was around if we wanted to chat. At the time I thought what's the point.

But talking to him kept lingering in my mind and I finally decided that it could help to bring full closure.

I expected we'd have to wait weeks but turns out the pandemic has made doctors, or fertility doctors more available. So within 3 days we had the appt.

We talked to him yesterday and honestly, it just felt sad. It felt like it had re-opened a wound that I was closing. I got teary-eyed a bit after we got off the video call with him.

The main thing I wanted to know was - did just a bunch of random bad stuff happen to us? And what was the meaning of the last miscarriage.

He basically said that it was random - that the quality of my eggs had nothing to do with it. The quality of the egg has to do with implantation. And that this was a developmental abnormality that doesn't happen often but of the developmental abnormalities, this was the most common - the abdominal wall defect.

We brought up donor egg in a surrogate with him again, went over broad costs and likelihood of that working and it's interesting - it felt hopeful. And that's his job - to create hope when there isn't any or when it feels like there is very little. I felt like I was getting swept up in it again...

But then reality hit. We're in a pandemic, things would take longer. We're already in a lot of debt, this would just add to it. And the complicated-ness of sharing eggs or not and those costs. But mostly, I don't have the emotional stamina to continue. And he said, you can give yourself the ok to stop as well. You've earned that right. That was interesting.

And I go back to - if someone could just place a health baby in my arms, it would be no question. But it doesn't work that way, at least not for most people and not for us.

And we have D and he's amazing and I'm ready to get on with my life without this part-time hugely emotional job.

2. Commemoration.

I'd been thinking about how do I commemorate this last pregnancy - the one that made it to 14.5 weeks. Do I commemorate that one and not all the other loses I've had? Honestly, I don't even know what that number is - 11?

But I do think this one is different. I had already named him - A. Do I do something with his name? Put something on a wall? Plant something? What? What would seem appropriate and not too much? Something that would ease the pain and not add to it every time I saw it?

I love Li.sa Leon.ard designs. She's so creative and the ability to add a pearl to jewelry is the perfect gift to recognize an additional component without naming it.

We got L a necklace with her son's name and a pearl to signify that she carried D but he's not her family.

And I'd been thinking about getting something similar for K and for N - so I just ordered those up.

And then I was looking for me - I don't wear jewelry a lot and I didn't think I'd want something with D's name or initial on it so I decided on a necklace with his birth flower and a pearl to signify both A who didn't make it and that pearl can just signify all those that didn't come.

Here's what it will look like:

I'm excited to get it.

I'm looking forward to continuing to move forward while also honoring what's happened with our journey.

Resolution

Last week, as National Infertility Awareness Week was winding down, I started drafting a post in my head, then into face.book, and then kept going back to it for the next couple of days to add things and tweak things.

We're at the end of our journey. I've been resolved to it.

I almost wrote I resolved it, but it wasn't a truly active choice, it was very much by default. Unfortunately.

I didn't get the 3 kids I originally wanted. I didn't even get 2, after having 5 embryos left after D was born - after D finally came into our lives.

But it IS resolved. And it feels good in most ways, in many ways. Not the outcome. Not what we wanted. But to be DONE. To carry on without this constant side project going on. The one that takes so much out of me.

I also think Co.vid got me there more quickly than I might have. Whether it was going to be more fertility treatments via surrogacy and donor egg or adoption, those options would have had some significant delays and uncertainty that I don't think I could have handled on top of the already super uncertain aspects of them.

(Seriously, my heart goes out to those in waiting on both fertility treatments and adoption right now, I can't imagine having to wait any longer or having things be put on hold for unforeseen amounts of time. What always helped me was planning the next phase and I really don't know how people are handling not being able to do that right now).

We saw my parents last week for a physically distanced party on their front lawn and they asked how I was doing about it and I basically said that, that we decided we're done and while it's still not what I want/would want, I needed to take the active step to resolve this so that I don't have something hanging over me, so that I could be fully present.

Taking that active step was more of a force right now than staying in limbo-land continuing to hope.

It also goes to show that:

• Two things can be true at once - the wanting for something and the wanting it to end
• The pull of something is what will propel us even if reluctantly
• I would never have imagined that I would have gone through the first 9-10 years of treatment pursuing a child, and then 2-3 years of additional surrogacy plans pursuing a second child, and when people asked me 'how do you do it?', this is the only answer I have: I couldn't not do it; it's the pull that propelled me forward, fueled my continuance even when I had little energy to muster up for it

And to the question of why fertility treatments and/or surrogacy vs adoption all this time? YES. Why?? I questioned myself on that ALL THE TIME. 

Here's the thing - two things:

• Adoption seems like it's the cure-all, the easy option, the more valiant option - but all of those are myths AND it's more complicated that than - we had two people making the decision on this and it's not easy - there are all kinds of questions that crop up on this one that you need to make uncomfortable decisions about (international vs domestic, age of the child, open vs closed, etc, etc, etc) - we did our research, kept coming back to it and while we were right on the edge of pursuing it many times, it just didn't feel right for us, or rather fertility treatments and surrogacy felt more right for us
• The pull of one thing propelled us forward - it's almost like you can't explain it or you take in the 10 factors that you've weighed with this option vs that option and then you go with what you feel is right for you, the collective you, if that's what you are

And today, I'm passing on our baby things. That's huge. And also feels good, in a weird and sad sort of way. 

I'm all about de-cluttering so it feels good to clear things out in general. And I'm not getting rid of everything. I'll keep D's fave baby toys (some of them), I'll keep some of my fave outfits he had. But am I going to keep 20 fave outfits, 20 toys? No. I'd keep all his fave things if I thought another child was coming into this home to use but I need to move on. And I can still keep a few things that I'm not ready to let go of, that is part of D's past (yes, all 2 1/2 years of his past) so that I can reminisce. 

This has all been cathartic for me - writing the post, clearing my head of what we'll pass on as well as physically clearing the stuff.

(And I'm glad that the person we're passing stuff onto is a family member of a friend of a friend who we're helping as a result of this crisis. She was going to get hand me downs at a baby shower now cancelled and she's also lost her job so this will be extremely helpful which makes my heart glad. I also like that it will stay with our 'community'. AND I learned her name is one of the names we had been considering for a baby girl - my grandmother's name - so it's all just very meaningful).

I'm surprised a bit at how quickly I've gotten to this mental state, ready to move on, ready to come to a resolution (which by the way I finally truly understand why the National Infertility Association is named Re.solve). It's only been 2 months-ish since the miscarriage, but again, I think the pandemic moved that decision along more quickly than it might have. 

I've also taken active steps to reduce my meds which feels good as well. My goal is to get off of them as soon as safely and prudently possible mostly so that I can get my body back (though the irony of that is that I'm eating so much more right now, and giving myself the grace to do it and need it).

Resolution. 

Even if the decision came to me passively, I'm still actively resolving, and while not what I wanted, still feels good.

(So many caveats, so many this and this. Because it's not simple).

National Infertility Awareness Week FB Post

Here's what I wrote on my f.b page (and made public) last week. It meant a lot for me to write this all out. The whole journey - the stats, the emotional milestones, everything it encompassed.

This was cathartic:

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and I want to bring light to the fact that 1 in 8 will struggle with infertility and you do not have to do it alone. And you don't realize how slowly the loneliness and despair can creep up on you, if you get to that point. Re.solve, the National Infertility Association, was so necessary for me - I found support groups, resources to share with family and friends when I couldn't find the words and a therapist who has been with me for 10 years. I encourage those of you facing this or know of someone who is facing it to use this resource and consider donating to it. It is invaluable.

Many of you know my story and have been with me to support me throughout it all:
-the quickly realizing I wasn't going to have a baby at the same time as my best friend even though we started family planning at the same time
-crying at a missed period right before a friend's wedding 6 months into 'trying to conceive'
-starting to chart to have 3 months worth of information to show to a doctor that you understand the timing ovulation
-feeling misunderstood when people they tell you to 'just relax' or that they got pregnant when they forgot about it all on a vacation
-letting doctors into the most private parts of our lives
-having the first appointment with an infertility specialist only to sit on the paperwork for 3 months because I couldn't understand it all
-finally getting on board and starting with IUI (intra-uterine  insemination) to have the second attempt end in an early miscarriage right at Thanksgiving
-the only time I’ve ever yelled at my husband was on the IUI medications and as soon as I started yelling I thought “who is this yelling at him?”
-taking the recommendation to have fibroid surgery and opting for the c-section cut so that I could wear a bikini without a scar, only to realize later that my weight has fluctuated so much that I never wore a bikini again
-getting pregnant again on our own twice within 6 months of each other after the surgery to have both times end in early miscarriage
-needing to take a 6 month break because it was too much
-not being on the same page with fertility treatments and adoption, starting marriage counseling
-finding an online blog community and making life-long friends
-taking the (what seemed at the time) HUGE plunge into IVF (and thank goodness we qualified for the shared risk program) only to have the first attempt end in an early miscarriage AND trip to the hospital from work one day because of abdominal pain which resulted in surgery to remove one of my fallopian tubes where the pregnancy was growing
-considering taking anti-depressants but not wanting to for fear of doing all I can to have a successful pregnancy (note: take the anti-depressants, a happier woman IS a healthier woman) (also hint: I started on them later and regretted not starting them sooner; no one should have to suffer that long)
-the year in which I did 4 transfers with negative results
-turning to listening exclusively to Christian radio because my soul needs it
-the Hopeful wall I created when I needed visual reminders of hope and to see how creative my family and friends got, and how those messages stayed up for a few years because that's how much longer it took
-how heartwarming it is when I’ve had to teach my best friend to not problem solve but to be empathetic with me, to let me vent or cry, to say "I know this is hard" and nothing else, and when I got to the point when I could just call her and say “I need you to come over so I can cry in your lap right now”
-the grace I've given to people to say the 'wrong' things
-when it got too difficult for me to go to church on Sunday mornings because I’d get too vulnerable and cry but I hung onto my Wednesday morning small group because I needed that spiritual place
-the perfect prayers my Pastor always seems to have
-not knowing whether a negative result is worse than an early miscarriage
-doing meditation, acupuncture, scaling work back to part-time, trying immunology treatments in Canada because the US bans it for fear of stem cell research, anything, anything, anything to make this work!!!
-wondering if I should change jobs because what if the next cycle works! (guess what - changing jobs each time I needed to was life-giving for me and my employers always understood what I was going through)
-the always having to plan only 2-3 months in advance for any type of travel because what if we were in another cycle, and the start of traveling on my own more because I needed that energy to fuel my next cycle
-the 3 IUIs, 2 surgeries, 8 egg retrievals, a cancelled cycle (leading follicle), 9 embryo transfers to me
-the devastation that it wasn't going to work for me to carry - that I had spent 7 years trying to make that happen
-going to a lawyer to talk about adoption and discovering she also does surrogacy law and realizing after a friend did surrogacy that that seemed to be what felt right for us as a couple
-researching and interviewing surrogacy agencies
-having friends from church, a friend of your brother's, your cousin and sister-in-law all want to be your surrogate
-the surprise bags left on my porch, the countless cards and messages I got from friends, some who were my best friends, some I didn't know that well but who had gone through it and were there for me in amazing, beautiful ways
-needing to get back on anti-depressants and adding in anti-anxiety meds during the surrogacy journey
-growing in my faith and my church family being there for me
-The 2 more years it took to decide on surrogacy, create and freeze embryos and get clearance for the process
-6 embryo transfers to surrogates
-8 miscarriages for me, 3 additional with our surrogates
-12 years total of this 'journey'
-1 extremely loving husband
-1 miracle son

L, one of my brother's best friends and an angel who offered to carry our baby out of the blue when she asked my brother how we were doing and he said 'not great'. N, my cousin who first offered and lives in FL when there was zika at the time and then offered again when we were on a sibling journey, and who had two early miscarriages with us. K, my sister-in-love, who did 3 cycles with us, carried a second baby for us to 14.5 weeks to then have to experience a miscarriage. C who was matched with us through an agency and while we weren't able to move forward, became my in-it-with-me surrogate throughout my remaining journey.

To my family and friends, I thank you for letting me share my pain with you and sounding like a broken record year after year, and for lifting me up when I needed it.

I don't have pictures of the countless needles I had to inject or many of the embryos transferred to me or our surrogates. I do have a video of Halong Bay in Vietnam that I used to watch during injections (because I'm a wimp) and I have the beautiful photos of our surrogates with the hope and love they held for us.

No one should ever have to go through this alone. I'm grateful for my community.

https://resolve.org/

 #infertility #infertilityawareness #infertilitysupport #infertilityjourney #ttc #ivf #fet #fertilityjourney #fertilitytreatment #embryotransfer #niaw2020