Thursday, June 21, 2012

FET #2 Transfer & Hopeful Thoughts

We had our transfer today for our FET #2. We had 2 frozens after our IVF in Jan, so if this doesn't work, we're back to a freshie IVF cycle.

But I'm feeling hopeful. I mean, I know our chances are low and I'm being realistic, but I thought - what do I have to lose by being optimistic? So, I am!

Counseling has also been great. Actually, last week was my low point and I think letting that all out (my counselor even gave me a hug at the end of our session because she thought I seemed so hopeless!) was really therapeutic. Ever since that day, I've felt more positive and hopeful about our options and moving forward...

I also made a nice connection today. Because I'm in HR, I've known about one of our India employees who is struggling with fertility, so I decided to finally reach out to her to let her know that someone understands, even if I am on the other side of the globe! (It helps that I met her last year in person when I went over there). We had the nicest exchange today. I always feel like I have to 'hide' this at work and it was nice to be able to share it with someone who just has the biggest heart!

I'm still not sure I understand why I'm having to experience this or what the lesson is in all of this that I couldn't learn some other way, but today was a good day.

And I get to test on Tues, July 3 (instead of waiting till Thurs, July 5)! Yay!

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

FET #2 & State of Mind Update

We've begun our frozen cycle #2. I didn't take a break after FET #1 did not work and this is our only embryo left from our first fresh cycle back in Jan.

I'm not sure how to feel. My counselor says I'm definitely struggling with depression. It's been hard to not have much energy for things. It's been hard to deal with Mother's Day and Father's Day seeming like they are back to back (we went backcountry camping for Mother's Day to get away from it all and I'm trying to plan an escape route for Father's Day too).

It's hard going through this cycle feeling a tiny bit hopeful (or else I wouldn't do it my counselor says) but also feeling like it's a bit pointless. I guess I feel so jaded now. FIVE miscarriages. 4 1/2 years of infertility. I just keep thinking - is this going to end??? And how are we going to get there? And I just want to be ok with however we get there - that's been my goal, to be as peaceful as possible throughout this process and I feel like I'm mostly failing at that.

I haven't been completely down in the dumps... we went to my in-laws for Memorial weekend and were part of my 8 month old niece's baptism and I just loved being with her. I've got a fun annual company meeting that I've mostly organized in Chicago this week and heading straight to my 15 year college reunion. And at the end of the month, I am heading to Atlanta for an HR conference I'm excited about.

So, it's not like I'm not doing things, but I certainly don't have much energy on the weekends and I feel social pressures of having to do stuff... and that's been hard. And it's hard to stay positive - that takes a lot of energy.

Please wish me peace for this cycle. If it doesn't work, I haven't decided yet if I'll take a break and try to go on a work trip abroad (which I would be excited about) or go straight into another fresh IVF cycle. I'm kinda thinking forge ahead - this was the year of IVF for us and I don't want to keep dragging out our family building. All these decisions are hard!