Friday, January 11, 2019

No Go for FET #2 with Surrogacy #2 And Break-throughs

What a bummer... we were cautiously optimistic. She had positive home pregnancy tests at 9dpt, hcg was 1187 on 14dpt and 5686 on 19dpt, rising as it should. She started feeling symptoms (nausea) earlier this week...

And just when I was wondering if she was spotting or something, she texted and called yesterday morning saying she's having severe cramping and light bleeding and had to leave work. I was in meetings so missed it for about 2 hours and when I called her, she was in tears, feeling so badly. Of course, I just wanted her to be ok, so I called her OB and got her an appt that afternoon.

It turns out it was a failed pregnancy. That's what they called it.

Pretty bummy.

I'm still numb and processing it. I'm ok for now but I know this will hit and I'm worried about how hard it will hit.

This is my cousin. This was supposed to extra special. And this is is. We signed up for 2 transfers with her. We have 3 embryos left and our plan all along was to find someone else if this didn't work. And to find someone younger, though I'm not sure that was the issue. N is 42 and L was 36... donor egg is supposed to work on women in their 40s but with someone new we want to do whatever we can to increase our chances.

I'm bummed about the timing too. I really wanted kids 2 years apart and we've spent a year doing this with her now, and me being back on medications because I was so anxious, which just means my being on meds is likely going to be prolonged (and yes I'm glad I'm better on the meds but really don't like what it does to my weight).

I just wanted that specialness with me and my cousin.

I told her that in our minds, we are forever grateful for everything she has done. We feel like she has done it for us... she said 'without the end result'. Yes... but to have gone this far even means the world to us and always will. She and I have become even closer than we already were and I hope this whole experience means we just keep building on it.

We had the 6 week ultrasound scheduled for this Monday and I had planned to go to FL this weekend ahead of it. We cancelled the appt on Monday and I'm still going this weekend. I think it will be good for us to spend that time together.

And then B and I will regroup and move on...

The good thing that happpened this week is that I had a breakthrough in therapy. I've been thinking a lot about how we won't have 3 kids and how I've been starting to grieve that and how I don't want that to be linked with the expectant joy of baby #2. I want to be present and happy about baby #2 without mourning the fact that we won't have 3, at least not biological children...

And my therapist asked me what it was about 3, so I told her that I grew up watching my best friend's family of 3 be amazing and then my college roommate's family of 3 seemed ideal to me; I just loved their interactions and how they were as a family. My therapist then says "I wonder if..." and right then, before she even said it, I had a light bulb moment... Ohhhhhh, I don't need to have 3 kids to have that dynamic in my family. I can just take those elements and apply it to mine. Make sure I'm encouraging and supporting my kids, naming their gifts, letting their light shine, being interested in what they are interested in, etc.

So hopefully I can carry that through this loss right now.

I came home last night and just wanted to play and cuddle with my little 1 1/2 year old who just seems like such a miracle given these two recent losses.

And we still don't understand why. And I thank God that we had D before these failed attempts. These pregnancies were exactly how mine went - losses at around 5 1/2 weeks, no heartbeat. If that had happened as our first surrogacy, I would be so despondent and don't think I'd think it was worth it for us to continue on.

Playing on the floor and hearing little D laugh last night was so good. And so will going to FL. And so will our family's future.