The Determined Joy of Meeting (a Blog Friend)!

I have been excited for about 2-3 months knowing that my friend from Determined to Have Joy was going to be in my area for work!

We clicked almost instantaneously last winter via our blogs and began emailing each other on the side. So, when she told me she was coming to DC, I got a bit nervous. I'd wondered if I should even suggest meeting in person, contemplating that sometimes an online relationship needs to stay online... That maybe this amazing relationship we've developed would fizzle once we actually met in person.

But, no!

Last night, I met her in person and it exceeded my expectations! We had so much fun and talked 'deep stuff' too!

How amazing that we can find friends online who know some of our deepest emotions that we don't really share with others, or who others in our 'real life' just don't seem to get as much!! What a true joy!

She's currently on a hiatus from blogging but I hope she'll be back, not just in blog-land but in DC too! :)

(Pretty fitting for me (given my reluctance to 'come out') that our pic came out blurry)!

Just What the Doctor Ordered... For Once!

...or what I ordered - the weekend away with my best friend - just her and I, no husband and she did not bring her 1 1/2 year old.

It was marvelous! So needed. Everyone needs to remember how important time like that is. Sure, there was some talk of her child and some talk of my infertility but just a part of the conversation, not the entire conversation.

Lately, when we've been catching up quickly by phone it's her saying "oh, listen to what cute thing he did" or me saying "here's the latest on my infertility yo-yo". It got to be too much - I'm sure from both sides.

We laughed, talked about all kinds of life stuff including past, present, future, random thoughts, dreams - basically everything best friends talk about.

We used to go on vacations - a week somewhere when we were single & in our 20s, then it became a few days and in a group situation with husbands, and then it became none since her child. Even though it was just a weekend, we both felt like we were worlds away... and back in our friendship.

Just what I ordered and what everyone should order! Get back to that place, where the real, whole you can come out...

Some peaceful pics from our trip:

Best Friend Time

My best friend and I are going away together this weekend to a lake for some chill-just-us time. I can't wait. We need this so badly - or at least, I need this from us so badly.

She has a 1 1/2 year old who I just love, but as you can imagine, it's been a rocky road with dealing with my feelings about everything infertility and therefore, somehow even though this kid brings me joy, he can also bring on my sadness. He's about the age that I feel my child would be.

My best friend and I had both agreed to start trying around the same time - about 3 years ago. She took the lead though and started 4 months ahead of me. She got pregnant within 4 months but then had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. She got pregnant the following month.

I sometimes still can't believe that even with her set-back, she still has a  1 1/2 year old... and I have nothing. I try not to think about it too much - or think about it in that way. But it's hard not to.

And that's sometimes my biggest challenge. How do I let others' joys not become sadnesses to me?

I really need this weekend with her. Just her.

Not Such an Uphill Road but an Incline?

I'm stuck on this journey feeling like it's a steep, steep uphill road with no end in sight - no ultimate goal in sight - our own biological children.

But does it have to seem that way? How can I make it not seem so hard, so far out of sight?

A friend who recently went through infertility problems gave me her insight when I explained my latest quandry over these thoughts and I thought I'd share them since they've seeped in and made me look at things in a different way:

I know that feeling extremely well. I felt so often like I couldn’t even get out of the gate, how was I ever going to get to the finish line. But I do really believe that it can’t be that challenging at each step, just a matter of getting past the one that is holding you (one, I mean, not you specifically) up. Does that make sense?

 Like for me, if I could just produce enough eggs for them to get a couple, the rest of the steps should be doable. And for you, once you get past whatever is stopping them from sticking, the other steps won’t be an issue (or any more than they would for any other person). Does that bring any comfort? It helped me, just knowing it wasn’t entirely up hill, just a really steep incline for that one step!

I hope she's right. One steep incline. Okay. I can do this.

I think...

On Being a Good Friend

I don't think I'm being a good friend righ now & I'm struggling with how to be one.

I usually am a good friend. I'm there, I listen, I empathize, I take interest in what my friends are doing, etc., etc.

But somehow with infertility, I can't fully do it. At least not now. And I feel like I'm being a crummy friend.

My best friend has the cutest kid. In fact, I'm his "god-aunt". Yet, it's painful for me to hear about the cute things he's doing. And she's pregnant again.

Her pregnancy actually prompted me to do our 3rd IUI. She, like many of us, is a planner, and she was going to wait to 'try' in March because she didn't want another December baby but her husband was going to be gone in April & May and she didn't want to wait that long (to which she also said that she could really feel for me... she couldn't wait 2 months to try, meanwhile I've had this struggle for 2+ years), so they went ahead and tried in March... and it worked.

That was the weekend I asked "so, what's going on with planning for #2?" to which she answered "I'm a week late". That's when I knew I had to do something about me & scheduled my Day 3 appt to get started on another IUI, which ended up not working.

She feels badly talking about her pregnancy with me. We were excited at the thought of going through pregnancy together and it pains her to see what I'm going through.

It's hard on me to not be able to be a true friend to her. She's been my best friend for over 15 years. We're supposed to be sharing these milestones together.

Infertility is affecting my friendships.

I finally told her that I just need time away with her. We used to go on vacations, just she & I. And I need that again. So, that's what we're doing. July 10th weekend.

I can't wait to have my best friend back again... and be her best friend in return. I hope that can happen, if only for a couple of days in vacation-land.

The Tears Finally Came

I was wondering where they were, yet I knew they were lurking. The tears hadn't come.

I was too busy. Too pre-occupied with work, with weekend travel and plans, with focusing on other things.

Last week, I started going back to bik.ram yoga. I noticed the sadness surfacing again. It's been only 3 weeks since my miscarriage and I hadn't allowed myself the space to really grieve.

I went to yoga again Monday night and noticed the sadness again, and then last night, it finally hit. We have a 2 min break or savasana in between the standing and floor series, and normally, the instructor talks. But we had a new person last night and they let it be silent. And that's when I almost broke down.

It didn't really happen until after I got home, showered and was sitting on the couch with my husband. I just broke down. The ugly cry.

It needed to happen. All the questions, frustrations, sadness... letting it all hang out there.

Why is this such a difficult and long road for us? How can I have had two miscarriages already... and after fertility treatments? Why am I not getting the support and empathy I need from friends and family? Why do I feel that others may be thinking that I miscarried (both times) at 'just' 5 1/2 weeks, so it doesn't 'really' count to be this sad...

Why did my mom have to turn things into a drama about her? Why have my friends not really said more to me? Why does it feel good to have my parents refrain from talking about my nephew so much and why does it hurt so much when my friends talk about their kids so much?

I'm just so sad. And I know I need to let myself be sad. It just hurts so much to be childless right now. And after so much effort. I know I need to continue to put forth the effort because it's what I really want. But it just hurts.

My Mother's Day was...

...not so bad. I think because I 1) decided to take a new perspective on it, feeling like I deserved to be celebrated and 2) made it really clear to my husband that I felt that way, that the day wasn't so bad.

Granted, I didn't feel like going to church, even though my church would have been very sensitive about it. And I got irked seeing other pregnant women and all the hoopla around Mom's at the ballpark, but that's ok...

B got me the best card - from our dog, but also from him. He wrote until we have a pooping, crying baby, know that nobody loves you more than [our dog] and me. You're the best mother-in-waiting & I love you. Isn't that the sweetest?

And unexpectedly, my best friend sent me an e-card that said Happy Special Day to the wonderful mom of my future nieces and/or nephews!!! They are worth the work, I just know it! We are praying for you both, dear. With all my love, Aunt J :) I just LOVED it!

Both of those acts made me feel so incredibly special and helped to keep the hurt at bay. I've enjoyed how some of you have written nice things like this so I thought I'd share too. We all know how hard yesterday was...

Having a Hard Time With Others' Babies...and Time

I'm having a hard time right now. It's not even that I'm having a hard time with others' babies in general, it's that I'm having a hard time wanting to spend time with the babies I know. Wanting to put in that effort.

I know that as soon as I do, I enjoy it. But it takes a lot of energy to get to being there. And I'm mad at myself for not putting in the extra effort.

I've mentioned a couple of times how The Infertile Mind has inspired me to spend more time with my nephews. Yes, she's inspired me alright... but have I done anything about it? No.

I don't want to be that person who is down. I don't want to be the person who doesn't want to get to know her best friend's baby better. I don't want my best friend to take it personally that I'm not craving to spend time with her baby. I don't want to be a bad aunt by not going out of my way more to be with my nephews.

I also know that it probably has everything to do with infertility. That, and a busy job, where all I want to do on the weekends is get my household chores done and REST.

And does work have more to do with it than I think? Why do I feel drained so much? I'm focusing on a great job that takes up more time than 40 hrs/week, I'm focusing on losing weight, I'm focusing on yoga and doing a 1/2 marathon, I'm focusing on my marriage.  I'm focusing on my church. And what's left? A tiny bit of time for doing some life necessities (laundry, groceries, etc) and spending time with friends.

I have another friend who now lives 45 mins away and everytime she asks me to do something, I feel like she's taking a piece of me that I can't give right now. I LOVE this friend. Every time I see her I'm so grateful for her.

So, how did I get to be this person? And do I force myself to do these things knowing that I'll be glad I did?? I don't know what to do!!