I was wondering where they were, yet I knew they were lurking. The tears hadn't come.
I was too busy. Too pre-occupied with work, with weekend travel and plans, with focusing on other things.
Last week, I started going back to bik.ram yoga. I noticed the sadness surfacing again. It's been only 3 weeks since my miscarriage and I hadn't allowed myself the space to really grieve.
I went to yoga again Monday night and noticed the sadness again, and then last night, it finally hit. We have a 2 min break or savasana in between the standing and floor series, and normally, the instructor talks. But we had a new person last night and they let it be silent. And that's when I almost broke down.
It didn't really happen until after I got home, showered and was sitting on the couch with my husband. I just broke down. The ugly cry.
It needed to happen. All the questions, frustrations, sadness... letting it all hang out there.
Why is this such a difficult and long road for us? How can I have had two miscarriages already... and after fertility treatments? Why am I not getting the support and empathy I need from friends and family? Why do I feel that others may be thinking that I miscarried (both times) at 'just' 5 1/2 weeks, so it doesn't 'really' count to be this sad...
Why did my mom have to turn things into a drama about her? Why have my friends not really said more to me? Why does it feel good to have my parents refrain from talking about my nephew so much and why does it hurt so much when my friends talk about their kids so much?
I'm just so sad. And I know I need to let myself be sad. It just hurts so much to be childless right now. And after so much effort. I know I need to continue to put forth the effort because it's what I really want. But it just hurts.
1 month ago