Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Tears Finally Came

I was wondering where they were, yet I knew they were lurking. The tears hadn't come.

I was too busy. Too pre-occupied with work, with weekend travel and plans, with focusing on other things.

Last week, I started going back to bik.ram yoga. I noticed the sadness surfacing again. It's been only 3 weeks since my miscarriage and I hadn't allowed myself the space to really grieve.

I went to yoga again Monday night and noticed the sadness again, and then last night, it finally hit. We have a 2 min break or savasana in between the standing and floor series, and normally, the instructor talks. But we had a new person last night and they let it be silent. And that's when I almost broke down.

It didn't really happen until after I got home, showered and was sitting on the couch with my husband. I just broke down. The ugly cry.

It needed to happen. All the questions, frustrations, sadness... letting it all hang out there.

Why is this such a difficult and long road for us? How can I have had two miscarriages already... and after fertility treatments? Why am I not getting the support and empathy I need from friends and family? Why do I feel that others may be thinking that I miscarried (both times) at 'just' 5 1/2 weeks, so it doesn't 'really' count to be this sad...

Why did my mom have to turn things into a drama about her? Why have my friends not really said more to me? Why does it feel good to have my parents refrain from talking about my nephew so much and why does it hurt so much when my friends talk about their kids so much?

I'm just so sad. And I know I need to let myself be sad. It just hurts so much to be childless right now. And after so much effort. I know I need to continue to put forth the effort because it's what I really want. But it just hurts.


  1. I understand your pain so much. Don't let other people tell you what you can or cannot grieve. 5.5 weeks hurts in a different way than something later, but it's all still pain. My guess is your friends probably don't know what to say. I am glad you let it out a bit, and I know for me, it's been hard to let it out too. This just sucks so much. Many e-hugs to you...

  2. Dealing with infertility or is something that those who haven't been through it could never fully understand. I have a few friends who tried, they tried hard, but still they just don't know what I went through, and still go through each day. They still don't. It's so important to let yourself have the space to grieve, no matter how far along you were, it wasn't "just" 5 1/2 weeks, it was a child you lost, it was your dreams, it was hope. Your child will be yours soon enough, no matter how it happens. I don't know you and I don't know what you believe, but I believe that God has a plan for everyone. Yours just has yet to be revealed to you.


  3. (((((Hugs, hugs, hugs)))))) I understand. And am here for you, sending support and comfort through the interwebs.

    It's been over four months since my early loss, and I think the biggest hurdle (aside from the unfairness) is dealing with the 'oh, it was so EARLY' attitude. It was a baby. My angel was ALL my hopes and dreams. Do not let others diminish that, okay?

    This sucks so hard. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    (((((More hugs)))))

  4. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish there was something to say that could really help. I hope your journey brings you back to a place of peace.

  5. It's good to let it out. It's good to cry and talk about it. I think that after tears run down and words come out and pillows are beaten, there is more space for happy thoughts, hope and joy.
    I'm sorry you are going through. Big hug.

  6. Thank you for this post. I am at a sad stage too and have been very emotional lately. Feels good to cry and is healthy. I have the same questions as you but no answers. I have had 3 miscarriages and get as far as 6 weeks.

  7. Hi there... new reader here. I'm so sorry for all you've been through. You're not alone in infertility. Sending a big hug your way. <3

  8. I completely understand your pain. I'm in a very sad place right now myself and I normally have a good cry on my way home from work each night. I agree with Amber you aren't alone in infertility. There are plenty of us who can relate to you.
    Hugs to you!

  9. this is my third time coming back to this post... I don't really know exactly why but I wanted to make sure that my words came out ok I guess.... I guess your body and mind just knew when it was time for an emotional release... time to mourn... time to think... time to process all of the emotions on your journey to becoming a mommy... and you WILL become a mommy... I have enough faith for the both of us.... I love you my friend and I will continue to pray for you. Even though you may not get the answers you need... the way you need them I will pray that God wraps His loving arms around you... and keeps you and your husband closer than ever through this journey and gives you any and everything else you need right now....

  10. Infertility is such a long hard road, and a loss at any length of time is still a heartbreaking loss. I hope your friends and family can reach out to you more and be more sensitive to the pain you are experiencing.

    But know you are not alone, we are all here and know how you feel and are with you every step of the way.