Saturday, March 16, 2019

Update on Progress

Things are progressing and that's good but there are still a lot of complicated feelings around all of this.

On the one hand when people ask me or when I tell them about what's going on, I'm generally very positive: "Our sister-in-law has offered to carry for us, it's truly incredible, she's is in process and we're hopeful for a summer transfer."

In reality, it also dregs up all my anxiety and uncertainty and waiting around this whole process.

Yes, I'm hopeful about the future. I couldn't do this if I wasn't, but I'm also anxious at each milestone and wondering if it will really work. Why did it work with L and not with N? Will it work with K?

So I'm still using anxiety meds to help me sleep and I'm still on depression medication, both of which I wish I didn't need and both of which I'm grateful for. (Less the fact that I'm having a lot of digestive issues as a result, which is a whole other thing and am getting a colonoscopy to make sure it isn't anything else).

And, as I've been working on with my therapist, I'm still grieving that I'm not going to get this experience with N. She was the closest thing I had to a sister and was really looking forward to that closeness.

We did take our trip to Cartagena and had a great time, the way we used to and in a new way. We also talked about this some. She even brought up if it's really worth it for me to keep going given all the anxiety and depression. (I honestly told her I've questioned it as well but deep down I really, really want this and see my state as temporary and that I'm managing it as best I can with medication and therapy, and that I appreciated her bringing it up).

She also posted the sweetest thing about me a few days later on fb, which is really the bow on this whole process that I was hoping that trip would do for us.

So we enjoyed time in the sun, walking around the old city and just talking and catching up, which was all great.

And things are progressing with K which is good. I'm not as close to her so I've been wondering how we will be with this and what our relationship will turn into (I know it will be better). And I think I'm also a little hesitant to jump in and be all rah-rah because of all my uncertainty right now so I feel a bit bad that I haven't been connecting with her in that way though I have been letting her know how appreciative I've been at each step.

She did her MMPI yesterday, she and her husband are doing their joint session in a couple of weeks, and our clinic allowed us to go ahead and schedule the medical screening and counseling which will be on April 29 so all good progress!

She and I had some nice texts last night which was really nice. She even sent me a pic of her surrogacy binder and journal on her progress which really touched me on how organized and how serious she's taking all of this (both L and N were not nearly as organized 😊). I got a bit teary eyed seeing all she's one so far and how seriously she's taken it from the very beginning including the first entry being 'Call B & C...". Wow.

So, fingers crossed that all continues to move forward and that a new close relationship can develop from this. 💗