Working Toward Re-Resolution

I just re-read my May 2 post and I can't believe how much I backtracked since then. I just didn't make the space to process and that's how I backslid. I forgot all those May 2nd feelings, all the work that got me there... but I also think that getting off my meds allowed me to feel again, and so I felt it. I felt it all.

And I got stressed and didn't have time for myself, for B, for me/us to process. And here I am, July 16, after having weekly sessions with my therapist again for at least the last month or so, and our conversation today was all the things I wrote on May 2nd.

Yes - NONE OF THIS IS EASY.

And I was back in dreamland with what ifs... well, the what if that can only be real to me is: what if someone said, I have a newborn to hand you right away, the parents have given up their rights and it's available to you. YES, then, yes, I would jump through hurdles to get that baby.

BUT that's not going to happen. It just isn't and even me thinking that it could, that it might is detrimental to me... because it puts me back in limbo-land, in anxiety-land, in possible depression-land.

I can't handle the anxiety-producing part-time job with no guarantees it would mean if we opened the door again. Adoption or surrogacy with donor egg, both of those are too risky, too anxiety producing and too much filled with no guaranteed outcome. (We had 5 embryos and two healthy surrogates and nothing to show for it).

So, I have to move on. I just have to. And unfortunately, it's not what I would have chosen. But it's what I have to choose now. For my sanity. For my mental health. For me. For my marriage. For my family.

I want us focused on us. Me on me, B and I on us, and the three of us on us.

We have a child. I think it would be different if I still weren't a mom. But I am. And I'm so grateful for that and am amazed by it still.

Of course it's sad that little A was almost in our grasp. That he would be coming into our lives about a month from now had everything gone smoothly.

But that didn't happen.

(And there's no guarantees that it would've been perfect once he was here too).

I'm doing a 5 year short journal prompt and the other day I got: ____________ is perfect.

I thought about it for a long time, all day, and then finally wrote, my life, my family is nearly perfect. And it really is.

And that's what I want to focus on - my amazing life and my nearly perfect family. 💗

Not by choice but it's a pretty amazing second option.

Milestones in Pregnancy Loss

I had to go back to counseling in June. I just wasn't making the space to process the pregnancy loss.

I thought I had already done so much to "move on" but it turns out that when you continue to not make time for processing, it builds up and that's what happened for me in June.

Therapy has been good... good to get it out and good to force myself to make space for it.

Turns out I got my necklace and that wasn't enough.

And I knew D's 3rd bday coming up would be hard for me, and I wanted to be able to show up for him in a way that was joyous and celebratory and honoring him rather than what it's reminding me of what we don't have.

BUT also making space for thinking of course him getting older is making me think that he'll be our only baby and that still makes me sad, and that he won't have a sibling and that makes me sad and that I never thought we'd be a family of 3 and I still haven't come to full acceptance with that.

I've taken time for myself - went to the VA hills at a cottage for some me time and went to a state park beach by myself for the day recently, and both of those things were restorative.

I've also been thinking of what else I can do to commemorate and "move on".

The next milestone is August 14 - the would've-been-due-date.

And I need to take the pressure off of that day for myself. No matter what I do that day, I'll still be sad after that day. It's not like marking it will lessen that.

But I also want to make sure I mark that day with something meaningful. I think I'm going to paint rocks with the baby's names on them and put them in the water. And hopefully B and I can spend that day together, just the two of us, with our feelings about that day, be near the water, maybe eat some crabs as we process.

Thank goodness for therapy. Thank goodness for a loving husband. And thank goodness for the ability to have options to mark these milestones.

I'm still working through it.

My Stats

I had been wondering about this the other day and want to make sure I capture it. It's really unreal when I see all I've/we've been through:

My Stats:

• 8 years
• 3 IUIs
• 1 tube removal
• 8 pregnancies/miscarriages (2 natural), 4 ectopic
• 9 egg retrievals (2 for the surrogacy)
• 7 transfers
• 6 negative cycles (5 from IVF, 1 from IUI)
• 1 cancelled cycle (leading follicle)
• 2 immunology cycle treatments out of country

Surrogacy:

• 4 years
• 3 miscarriages (1 at 14.5 weeks)
• 5 transfers
• 2 negative cycles

Total:

• 12 years 
• 11 miscarriages total between me and our surrogates
• 8 negative cycles