FET #2 & State of Mind Update

We've begun our frozen cycle #2. I didn't take a break after FET #1 did not work and this is our only embryo left from our first fresh cycle back in Jan.

I'm not sure how to feel. My counselor says I'm definitely struggling with depression. It's been hard to not have much energy for things. It's been hard to deal with Mother's Day and Father's Day seeming like they are back to back (we went backcountry camping for Mother's Day to get away from it all and I'm trying to plan an escape route for Father's Day too).

It's hard going through this cycle feeling a tiny bit hopeful (or else I wouldn't do it my counselor says) but also feeling like it's a bit pointless. I guess I feel so jaded now. FIVE miscarriages. 4 1/2 years of infertility. I just keep thinking - is this going to end??? And how are we going to get there? And I just want to be ok with however we get there - that's been my goal, to be as peaceful as possible throughout this process and I feel like I'm mostly failing at that.

I haven't been completely down in the dumps... we went to my in-laws for Memorial weekend and were part of my 8 month old niece's baptism and I just loved being with her. I've got a fun annual company meeting that I've mostly organized in Chicago this week and heading straight to my 15 year college reunion. And at the end of the month, I am heading to Atlanta for an HR conference I'm excited about.

So, it's not like I'm not doing things, but I certainly don't have much energy on the weekends and I feel social pressures of having to do stuff... and that's been hard. And it's hard to stay positive - that takes a lot of energy.

Please wish me peace for this cycle. If it doesn't work, I haven't decided yet if I'll take a break and try to go on a work trip abroad (which I would be excited about) or go straight into another fresh IVF cycle. I'm kinda thinking forge ahead - this was the year of IVF for us and I don't want to keep dragging out our family building. All these decisions are hard!

Needed Surgery

My IVF #1 went so badly that I needed to have surgery 10 days ago to remove an ectopic pregnancy that didn't respond to metho.traxate to dissolve it - and they had to remove my left tube as well.

What a whirlwind it was!

After I got the metho.trexate shot (that has worked on me 2x before on suspected ectopics), they told me like normal that if I was having abdominal pain, among other symptoms, to go to the emergency room.

So, 5 days after the shot, at work, I had severe adbominal pain, called my nurse who said don't risk it - go to the hospital. A co-worker drove me and I thought it'd just be a stomach bug or something. 4 hours of tests later, they tell me I need to have surgery that evening to remove this pregnancy... and my husband is out of town.

I call my best friend, who immediately gets child care and comes to spend time with me, and luckily my husband was able to get on the next flight home, in time to take me home from surgery.

I'm still trying to process it all... I'm actually very calm and oddly at peace about all of this. I guess when you're confronted with a somewhat life-threatening situation, it helps put things in perspective.

We're faced with infertility. It's hard. But I guess in general, things are good.

So, I'm taking it all in stride. We have a follow-up with my RE this Friday and I'm sure we'll proceed again with IVF with the two frozen embryos we have (probably one at a time)... though I do keep thinking about maybe a gestational carrier or that it's time to consider adoption. I've had 5 early-on miscarriages - 3 of which have been ectopic, 1 of them with IVF (other two with IUI), so just makes me worried that something is clearly not working in my favor or functioning properly with my body. On the other hand, I'll hear what the doctor has to say as I'm not quite willing to give up with this dream for now...

IVF #1=Not Good

What a weird situation. They think we're having an ectopic pregnancy, even though that only happens for 1% of IVF cases.

We finally had our u/s on Tues and they couldn't find anything even though our HCG kept going up. Our doctor was genuinely surprised and disappointed, but I also don't think he was fully aware of how much I had been bleeding the last couple of weeks.

I have to get a methotrexate shot tomorrow. This will be my 3rd. We've had a total of 5 miscarriages at the pre-week 6 mark. I'm afraid to even tell my parents about this one. What I really don't want to hear from people is that maybe my body isn't meant to be pregnant. That's what all of this would indicate, right?

Except with each step we feel like we get closer to unraveling this mystery. I'd say that if everything worked with this IVF cycle except that it somehow traveled up to my tubes, then it's bound to be right next time, right?? Or in the next couple of times?

They said we'd be at transfer stage again 6-10 weeks from now depending on when my period comes, etc. (Can't imagine a period again after 3 weeks of bleeding!!!).

Anyway, since I have a little window of 'freedom', I'm trying to get down to FL in the winter to visit my cousin. I think that'll do me some good. Let's see if I can get decent airfare now!

Thanks for all your support. Overall, I'm doing very well emotionally. There's so little we have control over and I really just want to be at peace. That, and I had a little chat with my mom after last weekend's disappointment with her, and it went really well - I feel the love!

In Limbo Land

The last 2 weeks have almost been harder than the traditional 2WW. It's been the second 2WW - the post-postive pre-heartbeat stage. And it's been really, really hard.

Testing positive with low numbers isn't reassuring and bleeding, at times heavily, for about a week isn't either.

We've essentially been going through that yo-yo. The center says our levels are rising appropriately, but they aren't doubling. They say they look for at least a 66% rise. Well, guess what ours has been? Yes - 66%.

Throw on top of it stressful work right now and my mom who I haven't been calling because she can't be supportive in the way I need her to be, who I know is mad that I haven't been calling even though I've said that I'll likely need to communicate less while we go through IVF because it's so stressful...

And of course, the last 2 calls I've had with her (one just now) have stressed me out - she's just negative in general, was starting to say that maybe the reason we've had so much trouble is because my work is stressful... oh yes, just what I love to hear - it's my fault we've had problems. Sure, quit my job and I'm sure I'd get pregnant right away! That's exactly how it works! Oh yeah, and the other time I had a miscarriage because she said I walked too much - yeah, I'm sure that's exactly  the reason we miscarried... Yeah, and she wonders why I don't call more??? Hmmm, seems to make sense to me.

Grrrr. I wish I could just not call, for even six months or whenever we're done with IVF, and have it be ok then.

In the meantime, we have an ultrasound appt on Tues. Wish us luck. I'm worried mostly because of the bleeding... I just either want this to work or have us move onto another cycle.

I'm Already Bleeding :(

Supposed to test on Thurs and just as soon as I made my bloodwork appt, I went to the bathroom and saw blood! What?!? I called back right away and the nurse wasn't really helpful.

"We don't like to see that, but it might not mean anything... still come in Thurs and keep taking your meds. We'll keep our fingers crossed."

I was so upset. I cried and cried. It was too good to think that it might just work on the first one.

But it's ok... I knew I just needed to be upset. We went into this with the longer-term view and it'll be ok.

I had dinner with a good friend who is in town visiting. I almost cancelled on her, but I thought, no, this will be good.

And, of course, as soon as I see her, I started tearing-up and told her what was going on, and just as good friends do, she listened, was empathetic and I started feeling better.

Thank goodness for old/good friends. Thank goodness for perspective. And thank goodness for my peace right now.

It's disappointing. I know it could still not be anything, but I'm also realistic, and I don't think this is good news. Having our family, however that happens, is just going to take longer. And I knew that.

(I also went out and got popcorn (Pir.ate's Bo.oty!), ice cream, chocolate and cookies!)

The IVF Road

We've started IVF! In fact, transfer is tomorrow.

It's been both less scary than I thought... and then there were some parts I didn't anticipate.

Meds: Getting the big box of medications was an adventure. It IS overwhelming, and I kinda freaked out when I saw it all. Plus, I hate - yes, hate - needles, so looking at that wasn't good for me.  And, I mistakenly threw out the trigger shot (I thought it was just an ice pack!). Fortunately, the pharmacy took pity on me and sent me another free of charge. Phew!

Shots: Since I hate needles, what was my trick? Luckily, my husband saved the day, and all injection days, by learning all there is to know about giving me shots and I didn't have to learn any of it. I just iced myself numb and watched a fun video (from our trip to Vietnam and more specifically of Halong Bay, my dream place!) while he poked me everday, some twice a day.

Monitoring: Yes, and all those monitoring appointments! I was determined to lead a normal life throughout this and even biked to my doc's appts!! I want to try to be the IVF patient who does not gain weight! So, yes, I biked... Proud of me? You should be! (It's really only 1.5 miles each way... but the way back is up a hill, and it's been pretty cold, so I deserve kudos for that extra effort!). :)

Retrieval: Then comes retrieval time. I got a bit freaked about that, especially since I didn't realize the 'antibiotic' they give you the day before makes you get severe diarrhea... well, at least it did for me, so that wasn't fun. But, they got 8 eggs! Very exciting. (Even though I overheard a woman next to me get 30!!  -- They told me 8 of my quality ones were good).

I was pretty sore after retrieval and tired in general. Not sure if it's from the procedure or from the drugs or both.

The report so far: 5 fertilized and all 5 are doing well.

Next step: transfer tomorrow (probably just 1; will confer with doc today/tomorrow morning), and then a 2 week wait!

I'm hopeful... :)

Thoughts on 2011/2012

First, Happy 2012! I know I've been a bit MIA this year but I manage to keep coming back. For those of uswho have been on this journey together for a couple of years now, I know we mean a lot to each other and want to know what's happening, no matter what stage we're in.

The stage I want to get to? The peaceful one! :)

2011 was all about grieving and trying to move to a place of next steps... in a way that would be peaceful for me. I'm sick of the highs and lows of the chase and frankly, I don't think my mental and emotional state could take that anymore.

Fertility journey 2011 highlights:

• Counseling via someone on the Resolve website; someone who personally and professionally understands infertility. She is someone who really gets it, having gone through failed IVF and moved onto adoption. I don't know what I would have done without therapy.
• Moving past that my mother and mother-in-law just don't know how to be there emotionally for me. This has by far been THE HARDEST part of my journey. I always thought I could 'go to my mommy' in the really hard times but she misses the mark almost every time, and, as a result, I've had to shut her out. I don't think she means it (I really hope she doesn't) but she can't seem to get it. And I thought that my mother-in-law and I would be close... and that her being a pastor would really help, but it hasn't. I have felt like the time that I've most needed a mom, I haven't had one and that pain runs very deep. I'm still trying to work through it.
• A mind/body/fertility workshop focused on meditation (I still can't really meditate!) that taught me to stabilize the highs and lows we go through with the infertility journey. I hope I can keep this mindset going through IVF treatments.
• 4th pregnancy in July (2nd naturally after fibroid removal in 2010) and then miscarriage at 5 weeks. Somehow this one was easier to 'get over' because of my such low expectations. Sad, I know...
• Agreeing on a plan: start IVF in early 2012 IF we can go on a trip in Dec 2011
• I haved LOVED international travel and get such a natural high off of it. The last trip we went on was 4 years ago, when we first started trying to conceive. When I knew I wasn't looking forward to IVF, I knew I needed something to get my spirits up again and help get me through the shots! Vietnam has been high on my list ever since I saw a picture in a magazine 10 years ago of Halong Bay. My dream came true:


• IVF - Here we come! I have very mixed feelings about this. I'm skeptical and jaded at this point and I think too afraid to hope that this could work but I know how important biology is to my husband... and I know I'd welcome a positive outcome. :) PLUS, I've equally (if not more!) become excited with the thought of adoption and I know going through IVF might get us closer to that (hard to explain but particularly with my husband having lost his father when he was young, exploring our biology is something he really wants us to do before we consider adoption and I'm supportive of that)...

My main 2 take-aways are: 1) I feel more confident that however we get there (IVF, adoption, ?) we will likely have our family someday (and also trying to feel ok with that potentially never happening for us). I also know if it is to happen, that it can't necessarily have immediate results, being 4 years into this already so 2) I want to focus on feeling peaceful no matter how this happens for us and no matter how long this journey lasts for us.

I wish you all PEACE for 2012!

xoxo

2nd Opinion on IVF/Lots to Work Through

I'm doing... maybe a little better?

Who knows anymore! It seems like every time I feel like I may be better, I take 2 steps back again. I guess that's just the way it is and am thankful that I continue to go to counseling!

The biggest thing is that I went to see another specialist for a 2nd opinion on whether IVF is really our next step or do we have other options. The facts are:

• I've been able to get pregnant 4 times now (2 prior to fibroid surgery with IUI, 2 after naturally)
• I can't stay pregnant past 5 1/2 weeks
• One of my tubes may be blocked now as recently as a year ago

So, with all of this, 2nd opinion doc says that yes, he'd recommend IVF again. He said (like the other did) that we could do IVF but that won't really give us more data on why I'm having trouble staying pregant.

I have a lot to think through because I've been reluctant to do IVF. If they could tell me that doing IVF would help me stay pregnant, I think I'd do it, but they're just saying they can control a lot more and see a lot more and therefore figure out what the real problem is if there is still a problem.

Such heaviness.

In the meantime, I'm struggling with my own feelings of feeling like I don't have a choice in the matter. My husband has stressed to me that I do have a choice but his strong feelings about a biological link due to his father passing away during his childhood makes me feel like I'd be a horrible person if I didn't at least try to do this for him.

See what I mean? Heaviness.

So, that's where I am right now - with a whole lot of counseling to help sift this all through.