It's so complicated, this surro-coaster.
On the one hand, I want to be calm, I want to say, it's ok if this one doesn't work out, we'll just find another surrogate and we (luckily) will have 3 embryos left and surely it's got to work among one of these 4 embryos... it's ok, we'll take the long game on this one. I'm sure it'll work out, we just don't know how or when.
And I do feel all of that.
But I also feel: what if this one doesn't work out? What will that mean? How will we cope? How will I even cope with the two week wait? How am I even coping with this next week ahead?
I'd say I'm coping medium. On the surface it's all good. I feel like I'm calm. I'm super distracted by holiday events and with work being super busy (can it actually be a little less busy please) and with enjoying my adorable son and my amazing husband. And I'm in therapy. And I'm making time for exercise. And I'm probably coping with ice cream and chips...
But I am waking up A LOT in the middle of the night and having a HUGELY hard time falling back asleep. I'm VERY anxious.
We had a date night this past weekend and talked about what it will mean if this doesn't work.
- It WILL be a huge bummer and we'll need to acknowledge that.
- This is my cousin, the closest person I have to a sister, and we both want to experience this so badly.
- We've put a year into making this happen, from her telling us last Aug/Sept that she was in, to getting her insurance in Nov, getting psych evals done in Feb, testing done in April, mock cycle in May, legal in July, attempt #1 in Sept (resulting in a miscarriage); we've done A LOT for this
- B said we'd need to acknowledge that it will be hard, that we'll need to mark it and make space in our lives to deal with it, maybe even set something specific to grieve it.
- It'll mean our kids won't be two years apart, which isn't the end of the world of course, but I really wanted them close in age.
- It means we'll have to start all over again finding someone and spending 6 months getting them through the process with all those anxiety build up phases
- It'll mean likely working with a new agency
- It will mean re-writing a "dear surrogate" letter (please, please, please pick us)
- It'll mean mustering energy to be hopeful again after having been jaded