Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Getting Ready for Our 11th (and Last!) FET

Went in for my Day 3 check up today. Everything looks fine.

Can't believe that time is here... our last cycle.

I have to say I feel relieved. This may be the calmest I've felt for a cycle.

We're doing all we can for it. Did LIT treatment (lympho.cyte infusion therapy (or something... don't feel like looking it up!)). And we're going to use hep.arin this time around also (blood thinning medication even though I don't have blood clotting problems, there have been studies that have shown that it's helped women with repeat pregnancy loss.

And we're transferring 2 PGD tested embryos (which we've done before).

I think I went through a change about a month ago when I was freaking out about what's next. I kept feeling like I didn't want this big black hole looming afterwards if this didn't work since we couldn't agree on what was next.

I then came across a book - my best friend's mother in law gave it to me! (How thoughtful). The book is called Fly Aw.ay Again and is about a woman who was held captive for a year with her husband. Her husband was killed during their release and she was still able to thank God for all the wonderful things in her life. I kept thinking, if she can be grateful, so can I.

I think I also finally said to myself - I have no control over this. We can't agree on what's next and there's no way around that right now, so I have to be ok with it. I think I finally said, God, you take this because I have no idea anymore and I can't handle it anymore. And ever since I released it, I felt so much better.

Going for a run a few weeks ago, I remember stressing about the 'what's next' question and came back to - God, this is yours, not mine anymore. And instantly felt better. Felt that release.

I really am at peace with this all. I keep telling B that I have no idea how it'll all turn out (especially if this cycle doesn't work), but I know it'll all be ok.

We started trying to conceive in Jan 2008. Geez. 7 years ago. Hard to believe. How can it have been this long? It really feels unbelievable. A lot of grief. A lot of waiting. A lot of being on the sidelines. Especially as our friends and family moved forward with all their plans.

But I'm relieved to finally be here. At the end of all of this. No matter how it turns out.

Here's to finally feeling peaceful and coming to an end of this 7 year journey.