Friday, November 8, 2013

Retrieval #5 - Cancelled!

How things can change so quickly!

We started stimming on Sunday for our Retrieval #5. By Tues, Day 3 into stimming, it looked like there might be a leading follicle and no significant growth behind it. By Wed, they determined they needed to cancel the cycle.

I'm pretty bummed. I was awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night last night just processing it.

I mean, of course, I understand that these things happen, and can happen and it happened to me. So, I can take that. But it just seems kind of endless on things happening to me too! I mean, how many times do I need to go through things in order for this to happen for us?

On the one hand, I've been taking this relatively calmly. I think the has helped a lot. On the other hand, I want to feel like I'm making progress toward this.

This year alone, I've had 1 positive IVF followed closely by a miscarriage, 1 negative IVF, 1 retrieval cycle resulting in one embryo that we haven't transferred yet and now 1 cancelled retrieval cycle. All of these with embryo genetic testing involved.

I'll be able to get started again after Christmas with the way my cycle will shake out and the holiday lab closures, so that will also mean I can still go on a trip which I'd like to start looking forward to (I'm thinking the Galapagos Islands!).

But this is a two month digression.

I've always done really well during forced breaks, so I'm going to focus on me without worry of appts, meds or anything else which is extremely freeing. I'm going to recommit to Wei.ght Watchers. (I lost the weight between April-July and then regained it between August & Sept), I'm going to plan this trip and hope for the best with the next cycle.

And I'm going to continue to be grateful for taking the step to be on It's really added a lot more calm to my life.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Retrieval #5 and Other Updates

I was quite despairing a couple of weeks ago and I decided to do two things:

  • Get on anti-depressants
  • Move forward with another retrieval
On the anti-depressants, I'm 10 days into at this point and much as I really, really did not want to be on anti-depressants for several reasons (not wanting to be on drugs while trying to conceive, wanting to be able to feel better on my own, the stigma, etc.), I realized I was at an all-time low. And I probably have been on and off for the last couple of years. In retrospect, I wish I had started taking them 2 years ago. 

My therapist and RE are supportive of me doing this and I'm working with a psychiatrist. The first week wasn't great - I was having headaches and getting sleepy much earlier but by 1 week, it's feeling better. Not 100% probably but much better. So I'm glad about that.

On the retrieval, I just felt like I couldn't go through with an FET with just 1 embryo. It didn't feel hopeful enough to me and I really also want 2 children, not just 1, so I'd like to be able to transfer 2 embryos and/or have one hopefully saved for later on. Thankfully, my RE was supportive of going through another stim and retrieval. 

I start meds today for stimming and while these next couple of weeks are going to be intense with shots and appointments and ultimately (hopefully) a retrieval, I'm feeling better overall and better about our plan.

This plan also allows us to get our genetic testing results from our embryos by 2nd week of Dec and I'm planning to take a month off to plan a trip around Christmastime.

So, that's the plan and I'm so grateful to be feeling better.

PGD Results & Anxiety Over Next Steps

I wrote this 1-2 weeks ago and I still want to publish it even though I have another update...

We got our genetic testing back on our 5 embryos and were quite disappointed. We have just 1 viable embryo from that batch. One.

My nurse is great and said "all it takes it one...".

I know she's right but I couldn't help but despair.

We're almost six years into this. Six years. And all I know is sadness and stress around family building.

I've been so hoping that we could just 'get this over with' and have twins somehow in our next cycle. But that's not even a possibility now.

So, what do we do? Our choices seem to be:

  • Move forward with an FET with this one embryo. In the past our doctor has said that it's a 30-40% chance of pregnancy.
  • Go through another retrieval to try to get at least one more viable embryo so that if we transfer 2 embryos, we have a 60% chance of a single pregnancy (and 25% chance of twins). If we end up with more than an additional one, we can 'bank' a future child if we end up with a single pregnancy.
We have a consult with our doctor on Friday but we already know that he'll support us either way, he's told our nurse. If we want to do another retrieval that would be fine, but he's told her that he wouldn't want to recommend that because IVFs are stressful and we already have one embryo.

I'm having a hard time making this decision. On the one hand, stomaching another IVF/retrieval seems stressful, but am I only looking at short-term pain when it could be long-term gain? On the other hand, I may only have enough energy for an FET at this point and if my nurse is right, all it takes is one, then maybe we just do that. 

I think what I need are anti-depressants. I met with a psychiatrist on Tues and I think I'm going to get the prescription filled today.