Sunday, March 17, 2013

Miscarriage #6

Pretty unbelievable. It's a wonder we continue to try, really.

So, our FET #4 worked with the PGD testing. Just 1 embryo and it worked. I couldn't believe it. Did a home test the day before and was so happy, but also cautious.

We've gone down many roads of a positive test but with low numbers where it ends up miscarrying or becoming ectopic/suspected ectopic.

But this time our first beta was 566! They didn't even want/need to see me again for 4 more days and by then our numbers doubled to 2099! I was ecstatic. Finally, like a light switch, I wasn't depressed anymore.

Then, at 5 1/2 weeks, as always, I had massive bleeding within the span of 2 hours. I just knew that that couldn't be good. I went into my clinic and they did an ultrasound and said it was too early to tell or that the blood may be disrupting their view but they said to still be hopeful and said they thought they saw a sac. My bloodwork, though, came back at 2400. They said that didn't necessarily mean anything but I was suspect at that point. That was on a Thursday. They said rest over the weekend and come back on Monday for Week 6 ultrasound.

Well, there was no sac. And my level had dropped to 421. At least it's not ectopic. With having gone through this so many times, it's amazing I took it all so calmly and was relieved that it wasn't ectopic.

My doctor was out of town all of last week and we're not scheduled for a phone consult with him until this Thursday. I'm so eager to know what he'll say next. But I'm also somewhat fearful that we're so much closer to the end of line on this. I don't trust my body anymore. The only thing I can think of that may help is whether I need blood thinners or something. I have no idea. My mind is jumping now to gestational carriers and whether that's something we'd actually look into and afford. It's all overwhelming.

B and I are really strained in our marriage. The last couple of months haven't been great. We've been going to counseling once a week and that's been really helpful but I just want us to be normal again and close. Especially when something difficult like this happens.

I'd been bleeding for 10 days and finally stopped today. That constant reminder was becoming to be too much.

When are we going to get our family??? When am I going to feel normal again? I'm sick of being sad all the time and not being able to be myself and interact with others like normal. I can accept that we're not able to have the life we thought we would have and that this is going to be long and difficult but I just want to be able to feel normal about it all.

I know it'll get better and we'll figure it all out. It's just been a hard last 10 days.