Saturday, December 29, 2018

FET #2 for #2 Child

The FET was a go on Dec 19 and all went well! And on Dec 27, a home test revealed it's positive!

I had her retake the test on Dec 28 since it was a faint line the first day and it's darker but I'd like to see it get darker still. I've had plenty of these faint lines not work out for us in the past so I'm still a bit weary. That said, her first FET for us was dark lines and high hcg levels and she miscarried at 5 weeks...


So what's next? Jan 2 is her hcg bloodwork and then Jan 14 will be the heartbeat ultrasound which I'm sure I will be super nervous for.

I've been taking am.bien to go to sleep and will probably need to continue to until Jan 14.

I also have a new psychiatrist appt on Jan 8 so want to hear what I should do there. I've been taking 2.5 mg of Ce.lexa and want to make sure it's enough. I've been thinking about increasing it because I really haven't felt like making plans with people and feel like I'm always tired. I know it's a busy time in my life with a toddler but don't want to function constantly as drained. :)

Overall, for the FET, N and I had a great day together. Very relaxing to have time to catch up and have quality time together which I really appreciated. When else would you get to spend that kind of time with one of your favorite people in the middle of the busiest season of the year? :)

I'm grateful for now... and anxious for a couple of weeks from now.

Hope 2019 will be a good one!

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Attempt #2 for #2 Approaching

I'm starting to feel pretty anxious... our second embryo transfer with our surrogate is on Dec 19 (that's if everything checks out tomorrow at her last appt). I've not been sleeping well and in fact, I'm writing this at 4:30am after having been awake since 2:45am.

It's so complicated, this surro-coaster.

On the one hand, I want to be calm, I want to say, it's ok if this one doesn't work out, we'll just find another surrogate and we (luckily) will have 3 embryos left and surely it's got to work among one of these 4 embryos... it's ok, we'll take the long game on this one. I'm sure it'll work out, we just don't know how or when.

And I do feel all of that.

But I also feel: what if this one doesn't work out? What will that mean? How will we cope? How will I even cope with the two week wait? How am I even coping with this next week ahead?

I'd say I'm coping medium. On the surface it's all good. I feel like I'm calm. I'm super distracted by holiday events and with work being super busy (can it actually be a little less busy please) and with enjoying my adorable son and my amazing husband. And I'm in therapy. And I'm making time for exercise. And I'm probably coping with ice cream and chips...

But I am waking up A LOT in the middle of the night and having a HUGELY hard time falling back asleep. I'm VERY anxious.

We had a date night this past weekend and talked about what it will mean if this doesn't work.

  • It WILL be a huge bummer and we'll need to acknowledge that. 
  • This is my cousin, the closest person I have to a sister, and we both want to experience this so badly. 
  • We've put a year into making this happen, from her telling us last Aug/Sept that she was in, to getting her insurance in Nov, getting psych evals done in Feb, testing done in April, mock cycle in May, legal in July, attempt #1 in Sept (resulting in a miscarriage); we've done A LOT for this
  • B said we'd need to acknowledge that it will be hard, that we'll need to mark it and make space in our lives to deal with it, maybe even set something specific to grieve it.
  • It'll mean our kids won't be two years apart, which isn't the end of the world of course, but I really wanted them close in age.
  • It means we'll have to start all over again finding someone and spending 6 months getting them through the process with all those anxiety build up phases
  • It'll mean likely working with a new agency
  • It will mean re-writing a "dear surrogate" letter (please, please, please pick us)
  • It'll mean mustering energy to be hopeful again after having been jaded
Please, please, please let this one work.