Saturday, April 28, 2012

Transfer Time & Counseling

Transfer time for our first FET was Mon, Apr 23! I've been doing well and for now, am feeling hopeful. We have another one frozen, so I'm kinda looking at this next phase as seeing what happens with these 2 frozen embryos. Feels good to be moving forward.

In the meantime, I think I began processing my last miscarriage from our first IVF a few weeks ago. I'd realize that about once a week when I was in bik.ram (hot) yoga, I'd just break down with overwhelming emotion... something had to change, so I scheduled myself back into my therapist.

That session was last Friday and already made a huge difference. I spent a lot of time crying in her office. The next day, B and I were at an event with friends we hadn't seen in awhile.One of B's friends came up to us to tell us how sorry she was about our miscarriage and it just struck me at how huge this has all been for us when B said 'yeah, this is miscarriage number 5 for us.'

I keep trying to brush this stuff off like I should handle it better, that in the grand scheme of things it shouldn't be that big of a deal, that other people go through harder stuff, etc., etc. but when I think of the last 4 1/2 years of trying to conceive with 5 early miscarriages with IUIs, IVF and surgeries... it IS a lot!

The hardest part still remains that people in general just don't get it. They don't get the pain. And it's all very invisible to most people. Our families still don't really know how to handle it (B's parents visited 2 weeks ago and B's mother said to me - "I know you're going through a lot emotionally, but how are you recovering physically?").

It's so clear that the emotion is just too much for most people... and that's what can hurt the most - feeling isolated and alone in pain that others either can't see, can't seem to understand or don't want to come near.

Thank good ness for my husband, my best friend, my pastor and another good friend - the 4 who have really been there for me. And thank goodness for my counselor, who is awesome, has gone through infertility and IVF herself and gets it.

And thank goodness for moving forward. I'm hopeful to see what these next 1-2 cycles will bring.

Monday, April 9, 2012

FET #1 on Schedule for April 23 / Difficult Easter Thoughts

Even though I never got my period after the bc pills, they still said everything looks good to start our first FET. We started shots on Saturday which will be every 3 days. They hurt a bit more than I thought (intramuscular in the bum).

Check in on Tues, Apr 17 and if all looks good (which we anticipate), we're doing transfer on Mon, Apr 23.

Hopeful this time... the plan is to only transfer one. And we have one more waiting in the wings.

I've started processing our miscarriage from our last IVF cycle. Easter was difficult as holidays tend to be for me. I wanted to just ignore it and not deal with it. Didn't really feel like talking to my family that day. B and I just hung out and did a lot of housework. We also had crabs to commemorate the 1 year anniversary of our dog's passing last year. (Our dog loved the water and on the weekend he died last year, we went and had crabs for hours and reminisced).

I'll be ok, just having a hard time with all the feelings I don't think I dealt with from the miscarriage but also hopeful going into a new cycle.