Still Processing

K was having the D&C at 11am today.

I took the rest of the week off for self care.

Tues evening was nice, we took D out for ice cream which ended up being our dinner which felt perfect. I also took a nice long bath and went to sleep with am.bien that evening.

Wed, I woke up at 4:30am, went for a 4 mile run at 7am, worked out of a coffee shop in the morning, had therapy at 1pm and then watched one of my fave shows and tried to nap. I then took D out to a kitty cafe which took 2 busses to get to, which is fun bc he loves public transportation. Turns out there was an age requirement for the cafe so we went to dinner nearby and took a bus, the metro and another bus home, so transportation was our entertainment for the evening.

Thurs, I met my pastor for a 2 hour coffee with my running clothes on so I could go for a 6 mile run home. I took the best bath then went to get a pedi and went back to the kitty cafe by myself and bought myself new running pants, and then walked 2 miles home.

Today has been a relaxing morning with D and his friend while our nanny had a docs appt and I'm going to go ice skating this afternoon. And tomorrow we are going to go as a family to a trampoline park.

I feel like I'm doing all the restorative, refueling and self care things I need to do.

I've been texting with K, with family and friends and it's all felt good. I posted on my surrogacy moms group and on my church's joys and concerns page. I feel incredibly supported.

And I feel somber. This just sucks. I really wanted this sibling for D. I was enjoying starting to picture him.

And at the same time, I feel that I've been so guarded that it just feels like another checkmark on the miscarriage list. What is this one? 13? 10 for me, 2 for N and 1 for K?

I've been through a lot already. And I am a mom. I have D. And I have all the things to be grateful for in this world.

A few days ago I turned in a Lenten devotional I wrote about how when something hard hits again I hope that I can still turn to God and feel grateful. And on Tues evening, I had to remember my own words. And on my run Wed morning, I did just that. I said, why, God? and I also said, thank you, God.

We lost the baby

I can hardly believe it. I thought we had turned a corner with the genetic testing results and moving into the second trimester. I had just announced it at a company All Hands on Monday. I never expected this to happen.

Yesterday K had the first monthly check up and they couldn't find the heartbeat.

It seems unreal. I know I was having a hard time pivoting to the joy but I'm wondering now if there was a reason for that.

Apparently the baby was measuring normally so the heart stopped beating fairly recently. K is going to have a D&C (I can't imagine what that's like at 14.5 weeks) on Friday and they will do an autopsy. We thought we'd do that just in case it can glean anything for what D might have that hasn't been detected yet.

How does a fetus make it 14.5 weeks only to have this happen? We did genetic testing on the embryos and then on the fetus. I just don't get it.

And at the same time, I want to jump into adoption and tell someone to put a baby in my arms by August. We're so ready.

(And yet we're not. B definitely isn't and had me promise to not talk about it for two weeks. And logistically we'd need to move the way our rooms are configured to make it happen since D is not in a legal room right now. But anyway...)

I'm still just stunned. It's 5am and despite taking meds I can't sleep right now (I'll definitely nap this afternoon).

D won't have a biological sibling. His brother didn't make it.

And we'll be ok. Of course we will. But this isn't what we've been trying so hard for with him.

And how did he make it and the rest didn't? He was the first that worked right away and the 5 other embryos didn't. What a miracle that he did.

We came home early last night and took him out for ice cream for dinner. The best was when he got a big amount on his spoon and giggled really loudly as though surprised there could be that much ice cream on his spoon! It was super fun and just what we needed. (And then he threw up at the park, so fitting).

Where do we go from here? How do we process this?

I'm taking today off. I scheduled a 1pm therapy appt. I'm going to go for a run this morning. And I'm not going to work today and potentially the rest of the week. At least not in person. I don't want to interact with others.

D is such a miracle to us. We just wanted him to have a miracle sibling too.

We Are Having a Healthy Baby!!!

I can hardly believe it. We're having a healthy baby!!!

The genetic test results came in yesterday and they are normal.

Big breath, sigh of relief, tears from B. It really feels unreal. Surreal.

My dreams are coming true!!!!!

I knew it was irrational for me to have to wait for this test after our embryos had been PGS tested but I've just been through too much and just needed that extra validation.

(All of that plus seeing the video of the baby at 10 weeks and having this test happen so late was causing me such anxiety as to what would happen if something were to show up in the results... I've needed lots of klono.pin and am.bien these last couple of weeks).

But we're here now and holy moly, D is going to be a big brother!!!

Seriously, after all we've been through and after all the emotional work I did in the fall thinking that the last embryo would likely not work after 4 past failed attempts, I really can't believe we are here and having a baby around August 14.

It's hard to describe but pivoting from this isn't happening for us to it is happening for us is weird, an amazing weird, but still very weird.

Like I got used to thinking not everything happens for everyone and being super ok with that, knowing that B, D and I would have an amazing life together and that that was enough.

But now the universe is telling me ALL my dreams are coming true? That we will have a second biological child? That just seems like a HUGE amount of icing on the cake...

(Though my therapist would argue all of our dreams are NOT coming true - this is NOT the way we wanted our family planning to go, I've had to mourn the loss of not having a biological girl AND I had always wanted 3 kids).

But wow - having two biological kids.... AFTER everything we've been through???? That IS amazing. It's incredible. It IS all my dreams coming true. It feels like I won the lottery, like I'm on top of a mountain, like having so much sugar stuffed in my mouth, like love exploding from my heart, like I somehow don't deserve it when not everyone's dreams come true.

It's such a complicated feeling... that I am grateful to experience.

And I'm so ready for my therapy sessions to be about pivoting to the joy now.