We lost the baby

I can hardly believe it. I thought we had turned a corner with the genetic testing results and moving into the second trimester. I had just announced it at a company All Hands on Monday. I never expected this to happen.

Yesterday K had the first monthly check up and they couldn't find the heartbeat.

It seems unreal. I know I was having a hard time pivoting to the joy but I'm wondering now if there was a reason for that.

Apparently the baby was measuring normally so the heart stopped beating fairly recently. K is going to have a D&C (I can't imagine what that's like at 14.5 weeks) on Friday and they will do an autopsy. We thought we'd do that just in case it can glean anything for what D might have that hasn't been detected yet.

How does a fetus make it 14.5 weeks only to have this happen? We did genetic testing on the embryos and then on the fetus. I just don't get it.

And at the same time, I want to jump into adoption and tell someone to put a baby in my arms by August. We're so ready.

(And yet we're not. B definitely isn't and had me promise to not talk about it for two weeks. And logistically we'd need to move the way our rooms are configured to make it happen since D is not in a legal room right now. But anyway...)

I'm still just stunned. It's 5am and despite taking meds I can't sleep right now (I'll definitely nap this afternoon).

D won't have a biological sibling. His brother didn't make it.

And we'll be ok. Of course we will. But this isn't what we've been trying so hard for with him.

And how did he make it and the rest didn't? He was the first that worked right away and the 5 other embryos didn't. What a miracle that he did.

We came home early last night and took him out for ice cream for dinner. The best was when he got a big amount on his spoon and giggled really loudly as though surprised there could be that much ice cream on his spoon! It was super fun and just what we needed. (And then he threw up at the park, so fitting).

Where do we go from here? How do we process this?

I'm taking today off. I scheduled a 1pm therapy appt. I'm going to go for a run this morning. And I'm not going to work today and potentially the rest of the week. At least not in person. I don't want to interact with others.

D is such a miracle to us. We just wanted him to have a miracle sibling too.