Thursday, December 27, 2012

Last Cycle Negative, Moving to Genetic Testing and Possibly Adoption

Our last cycle in November was negative.

I mostly expected it but what really helped was having B with me when we got the results. Actually, having him take the afternoon off and wait for the call with me and then was with me on speakerphone as I have often heard the words from our nurse, "I'm so sorry but I'm not calling with good news...".

We've had a total of 5 transfers with 6 embryos (all but the last were single transfers).

Our doctor has recommended we move forward with doing genetic testing. We're in process of that right now. I'm eager to know whether any of our 4 remaining embryos are normal. If so, we'll start an FET.

Odd thing is is that I haven't gotten my period since Nov 7. I spotted, for like a minute, around when my period was supposed to come but now we're on 7 weeks with no period - and I'm NOT pregnant. I did bloodwork around the time I was supposed to start another cycle and though I had a glimmer of hope, I would be, who am I kidding...

We went to an orientation session with an adoption agency in the area and had mixed emotions on that. It's definitely something I'm sure I will be grateful for but I'm not sure I'm done grieving not having biological children and adoption is not a replacement for that, I'm learning. It's another path to having a family. There is so much involved with considering family ties to the birth families that I'm not emotionally ready to deal with... one day, but not now. (I think because B is finally on board with considering adoption, it's finally allowing me the space to grieve that our biology may not ever happen...)

So, here we are - a new year closely upon us. Me reflecting on 5 years of my inferitility woes, which, in my opinion, is 5 years too many.

I'm doing some soul-searching this week and next on whether to finally quit my job and take 3-6 months off from my career as we figure this out. My job is a growing role in a fast-pace environment and I haven't been able to keep up for the last two years and infertility and fertility treatments have taken its emotional tolls on me. I'm also interviewing at a couple of places and seeing if a new job would be best for me.

All I know is that we need to figure this out. I think the first part of next year will be about medical options and the second part will hopefully be settling on an adoption agency and taking those steps.

If I don't write again before 2013, happy new year and thank you for being on this heart-wrenching journey with me. Love and hugs to you all!

Monday, September 24, 2012

Part-Time Work Solution & New Protocol

I am so relieved today because I am starting a part-time schedule!

I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner. I was starting to feel like I just couldn't do it all and have been wanting to quit for months and months now. My husband kept convincing me that I love my job and that I'd have too much time on my hands but I still couldn't shake the weight of trying to do it all.

And then I thought - it doesn't have to be all or nothing, does it? So, I came up with an exact 50/50 compromise - go part-time!

I started talking to my boss about it last week. It was a pretty emotional conversation and he really felt for me - something I hardly get from him. I told him how I just felt like I was at the end of my rope with all the medical stuff we were doing to try to have biological children and how this next procedure may be my last. I explained that I was having trouble holding it altogether and that something had to give. I even said that who knows the role stress has to do with this but I want to feel like I've given it my all.

He even said 'is part-time going to be enough for you?' and offered that they could be flexible if I wanted a leave of absence. Just knowing I had his support was tremendous. I've arranged my schedule to be 50% for the next 8 weeks and see what happens. I also got an appropriate, non-invasive note from our CEO giving his support for what I was doing. That felt really good too.

The biggest change happening with our upcoming FET is that my doctor has done uterine biopsies on me. They say that it can increase implantation. So, I'm hopeful with our new protocol.

We are also going to transfer 2 embryos this time - for the first time. My doctor says that having had 4 transfers already, transferring 1 only has a 30% chance, whereas transferring 2 has a 50% chance (with these biopsies) for a singleton and 25% chance of twins.

For the first time in a long time last night, B and I were laughing and discussing names for single sex twins. I don't remember the last time we've laughed about the possibility of naming our child(ren)!

It feels so good to be relaxed and hopeful again.

We start meds this Wed and transfer is on Oct 16.

Here's to a new cycle!

Monday, September 10, 2012

Processing Negative Results from IVF #2

It's been about 2 weeks of processing our second fresh IVF negative result. And it's our 4th overall IVF (we've done 2 fresh and 2 FETs).

What a blow. I thought I was going to be all peaceful no matter what. I really practiced being calm, collected, etc. I meditated everyday this cycle. I did acupuncture. I kept work stress to a minimum. But no matter how prepared we are, I guess a negative result is a blow (to most of us).

Oh, so upsetting. I just want to throw the towel in. I just don't understand. 4 cycles of failure? How much more can one keep doing? When does this not start to feel like beating a dead horse (I hate that expression by the way) pointless and endless.

I don't know how I keep going without it affecting my psyche. It's all I can do most of the time to not feel depressed. Do I just continue to keep my social activities to a minimum? Make sure I don't put too much into work to not be stressed? Keep pulling back on all other aspects of my life?

Either way, this isn't healthy. I don't want IVF to rule my life. But I don't have energy for much else either.

We just got back from taking a week's vacation... it was a bit random of a vacation but tied some fun things into my husband's 20 year reunion in NC. We took some time in the mountains to ourselves. We saw his family for one day. We actually had a GREAT time at the reunion (well, mostly me! I guess when the pressure is not on you, you have a better time!!), and saw a friend in Roanoke, VA.

It was so incredibly refreshing to "get away from it all". After 2-3 days, I really felt like I had left my problems somewhere else. And Plan B started to become a lot clearer for me. Or at least, the end to Plan A or a break from Plan A.

Here it is:
  • Go into an FET (we have 6 frozen embryos and this time we will transfer 2).
  • I think I'm done at this point after this one. I don't have much more stamina in me to keep going and it really does seem pointless. We've been going non-stop since Jan. Seeing an end to all of this is both sad and a relief. I will need to process that.
  • Because it may be too difficult to end this completely, I may just be on a break, but it will need to be a serious break with the potential of not going back to this.
  • My husband wants to do genetic testing on our embryos to see if that may be a problem. He'd be more interested in doing gestational carrier (either my best friend who has offered or looking into India or something).
  • I'm not as keen on that because it still involves my body and IVF in some fashion...
  • He has promised me that we can start more seriously considering adoption this fall so if this next cycle is a negative, we will go to an adoption expo in our town and I want us to start actively talking to a couple of agencies and people who have done various types of adoption to see what feels right for us.
This all isn't easy as next steps but it feels best to me to leave this stuff behind us if we have another negative. I feel like 5 negatives is enough. Enough is enough. I want to move onto something else that can feel more hopeful. I want to stop feeling like our house feels so empty. I want us to get our first child already.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

IVF #2 - Here We Go!

We started. This past Monday with meds. and Meno.pur. Double dozing on Meno.pur this time to more high quality eggs. Still 40% chance.

Big difference this time is that we're going to transfer 2.

We transferred 1 for IVF #1 with the ectopic and transferred 1 each for our 2 FETs. Schnothing on those.

Other big differences this time:
1. Daily meditation - I've been pretty good about doing 10 min quiet meditation almost every day.
2. Acupuncture - Started last week and giving this a shot.

I want to try to pull out all the stops for this. The other potential major decision is that I will likely need a very long break before thinking about this with the possibility of looking at adoption. I'm not closing myself off to this altogether but it has felt exhausting to continue to put energy into something that isn't getting us anywhere. I feel like we continue to live in a home just waiting to be filled with children and I can't take this anymore.

So, I'm trying to be at peace with it all. And I think I am for the most part. The thought of continuing cycle after cycle is what depresses me. The only hard part that remains is knowing how badly my husband wants biological children. So, I need to continue to weigh all of that, but I also know my mental health cannot continue to take the kind of hit it's been taking.

Wish us luck!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

FET #2 - Negative Results, Moving to IVF #2

We got our results on Tues of our failed FET #2. I was bumming that day, on the 4th of July and most of this week.

I'm hoping my bummy feelings are just normal sad and doesn't launch me into depression again. Counseling every other week has really been helping.

I also start birth control pills again on Sunday to get started with our 2nd fresh IVF cycle. I'm supposed to hear from my doctor next week on whether there will be another protocol. He was open to having us transfer 2 embryos these last cycles but I really didn't want to. Now, I'm thinking I should. I'm still so scared of twins but I need to do something to increase my chances on these cycles.

We'll see what he says!

I'm also having my god-daughter (best friend's daughter) stay over night tonight and I just love her so much that I hope that helps on the happiness factor. We're also going to a pool party where there will be other kids, so while it may be weird to bring someone else's kid, it will be nice to bring a kid! I know, weird, but I'm sure many of you can relate...

I'm also going to use these next 5 weeks to try to get some of this weight off. It's gotten a bit out of control, but I also knew to expect this and to be gentle with myself. Yesterday, I read a Wei.ght Wat.chers blogger who had lost so much weight and then put 15 lbs of it back on as she calls her 'no baby' weight after going through infertility & treatments. Ah, the stuff we have to deal with!

It's ok, I guess, two years ago I put on this same weight and lost it all last year, so I know I can do it again and this is just my another year of going through these treatments and if weight gain is part of it, so be it. I just want those children in our lives already!!!

So, it's looking like a mid-August retrieval and transfer... wish me luck!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

FET #2 Transfer & Hopeful Thoughts

We had our transfer today for our FET #2. We had 2 frozens after our IVF in Jan, so if this doesn't work, we're back to a freshie IVF cycle.

But I'm feeling hopeful. I mean, I know our chances are low and I'm being realistic, but I thought - what do I have to lose by being optimistic? So, I am!

Counseling has also been great. Actually, last week was my low point and I think letting that all out (my counselor even gave me a hug at the end of our session because she thought I seemed so hopeless!) was really therapeutic. Ever since that day, I've felt more positive and hopeful about our options and moving forward...

I also made a nice connection today. Because I'm in HR, I've known about one of our India employees who is struggling with fertility, so I decided to finally reach out to her to let her know that someone understands, even if I am on the other side of the globe! (It helps that I met her last year in person when I went over there). We had the nicest exchange today. I always feel like I have to 'hide' this at work and it was nice to be able to share it with someone who just has the biggest heart!

I'm still not sure I understand why I'm having to experience this or what the lesson is in all of this that I couldn't learn some other way, but today was a good day.

And I get to test on Tues, July 3 (instead of waiting till Thurs, July 5)! Yay!

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

FET #2 & State of Mind Update

We've begun our frozen cycle #2. I didn't take a break after FET #1 did not work and this is our only embryo left from our first fresh cycle back in Jan.

I'm not sure how to feel. My counselor says I'm definitely struggling with depression. It's been hard to not have much energy for things. It's been hard to deal with Mother's Day and Father's Day seeming like they are back to back (we went backcountry camping for Mother's Day to get away from it all and I'm trying to plan an escape route for Father's Day too).

It's hard going through this cycle feeling a tiny bit hopeful (or else I wouldn't do it my counselor says) but also feeling like it's a bit pointless. I guess I feel so jaded now. FIVE miscarriages. 4 1/2 years of infertility. I just keep thinking - is this going to end??? And how are we going to get there? And I just want to be ok with however we get there - that's been my goal, to be as peaceful as possible throughout this process and I feel like I'm mostly failing at that.

I haven't been completely down in the dumps... we went to my in-laws for Memorial weekend and were part of my 8 month old niece's baptism and I just loved being with her. I've got a fun annual company meeting that I've mostly organized in Chicago this week and heading straight to my 15 year college reunion. And at the end of the month, I am heading to Atlanta for an HR conference I'm excited about.

So, it's not like I'm not doing things, but I certainly don't have much energy on the weekends and I feel social pressures of having to do stuff... and that's been hard. And it's hard to stay positive - that takes a lot of energy.

Please wish me peace for this cycle. If it doesn't work, I haven't decided yet if I'll take a break and try to go on a work trip abroad (which I would be excited about) or go straight into another fresh IVF cycle. I'm kinda thinking forge ahead - this was the year of IVF for us and I don't want to keep dragging out our family building. All these decisions are hard!

Monday, May 7, 2012

Failed First FET :(

I'm so bummed. I'm mostly surprised. I really thought this would take.

I think the drugs must really mimic making your body think it's pregnant because I've been tired and VERY bloated. I really thought I was pregnant.

Oh, but our chances are so low (can't remember how low). At least an FET is less work than a fresh IVF, but still!!!


I'll wait for my period, get on birth control again and hopefully go into another FET with the 1 frozen embryo we have left.

I'd appreciate some virtual hugs. I'm feeling pretty bummed out right now.

And thank goodness for counseling tomorrow morning at 8am...

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Transfer Time & Counseling

Transfer time for our first FET was Mon, Apr 23! I've been doing well and for now, am feeling hopeful. We have another one frozen, so I'm kinda looking at this next phase as seeing what happens with these 2 frozen embryos. Feels good to be moving forward.

In the meantime, I think I began processing my last miscarriage from our first IVF a few weeks ago. I'd realize that about once a week when I was in bik.ram (hot) yoga, I'd just break down with overwhelming emotion... something had to change, so I scheduled myself back into my therapist.

That session was last Friday and already made a huge difference. I spent a lot of time crying in her office. The next day, B and I were at an event with friends we hadn't seen in awhile.One of B's friends came up to us to tell us how sorry she was about our miscarriage and it just struck me at how huge this has all been for us when B said 'yeah, this is miscarriage number 5 for us.'

I keep trying to brush this stuff off like I should handle it better, that in the grand scheme of things it shouldn't be that big of a deal, that other people go through harder stuff, etc., etc. but when I think of the last 4 1/2 years of trying to conceive with 5 early miscarriages with IUIs, IVF and surgeries... it IS a lot!

The hardest part still remains that people in general just don't get it. They don't get the pain. And it's all very invisible to most people. Our families still don't really know how to handle it (B's parents visited 2 weeks ago and B's mother said to me - "I know you're going through a lot emotionally, but how are you recovering physically?").

It's so clear that the emotion is just too much for most people... and that's what can hurt the most - feeling isolated and alone in pain that others either can't see, can't seem to understand or don't want to come near.

Thank good ness for my husband, my best friend, my pastor and another good friend - the 4 who have really been there for me. And thank goodness for my counselor, who is awesome, has gone through infertility and IVF herself and gets it.

And thank goodness for moving forward. I'm hopeful to see what these next 1-2 cycles will bring.

Monday, April 9, 2012

FET #1 on Schedule for April 23 / Difficult Easter Thoughts

Even though I never got my period after the bc pills, they still said everything looks good to start our first FET. We started shots on Saturday which will be every 3 days. They hurt a bit more than I thought (intramuscular in the bum).

Check in on Tues, Apr 17 and if all looks good (which we anticipate), we're doing transfer on Mon, Apr 23.

Hopeful this time... the plan is to only transfer one. And we have one more waiting in the wings.

I've started processing our miscarriage from our last IVF cycle. Easter was difficult as holidays tend to be for me. I wanted to just ignore it and not deal with it. Didn't really feel like talking to my family that day. B and I just hung out and did a lot of housework. We also had crabs to commemorate the 1 year anniversary of our dog's passing last year. (Our dog loved the water and on the weekend he died last year, we went and had crabs for hours and reminisced).

I'll be ok, just having a hard time with all the feelings I don't think I dealt with from the miscarriage but also hopeful going into a new cycle.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

FET #1 Scheduled

We're in the birth control pill stage of our first frozen cycle. We have 2 frozen embryos from our first IVF and are moving forward again. We plan to transfer just 1.

Just ordered my meds which cost WAY, WAY, WAY less than the IVF cycle and expect to get my period next Tues. It's exciting to be moving forward again.

I am NOT looking forward to the shots in my bum every 3 days though. That was a real disappointment to hear. And that they'd have to continue to the pregnancy test - and beyond if we test positively. They tell me that it won't hurt as bad as some of my bum shots from before... I hope that is the case!

In the meantime, my regular dentist visit showed me that I have FIVE cavities. FIVE! I still can't get over it. My dentist said that pregnancy can mess with your teeth (even early on pregnancy and the hormones I may be taking for IVF). I also have a decaying wisdom tooth. So, trying to get 3 not-so-fun appointments in to take care of all of this before transfer.

I'm also back to running. Still slow, but can do 30 mins now and it does so much good for my mental state!

Transfer date is set for Mon, April 23... stay tuned! We're excited to be moving forward again...

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Needed Surgery

My IVF #1 went so badly that I needed to have surgery 10 days ago to remove an ectopic pregnancy that didn't respond to metho.traxate to dissolve it - and they had to remove my left tube as well.

What a whirlwind it was!

After I got the metho.trexate shot (that has worked on me 2x before on suspected ectopics), they told me like normal that if I was having abdominal pain, among other symptoms, to go to the emergency room.

So, 5 days after the shot, at work, I had severe adbominal pain, called my nurse who said don't risk it - go to the hospital. A co-worker drove me and I thought it'd just be a stomach bug or something. 4 hours of tests later, they tell me I need to have surgery that evening to remove this pregnancy... and my husband is out of town.

I call my best friend, who immediately gets child care and comes to spend time with me, and luckily my husband was able to get on the next flight home, in time to take me home from surgery.

I'm still trying to process it all... I'm actually very calm and oddly at peace about all of this. I guess when you're confronted with a somewhat life-threatening situation, it helps put things in perspective.

We're faced with infertility. It's hard. But I guess in general, things are good.

So, I'm taking it all in stride. We have a follow-up with my RE this Friday and I'm sure we'll proceed again with IVF with the two frozen embryos we have (probably one at a time)... though I do keep thinking about maybe a gestational carrier or that it's time to consider adoption. I've had 5 early-on miscarriages - 3 of which have been ectopic, 1 of them with IVF (other two with IUI), so just makes me worried that something is clearly not working in my favor or functioning properly with my body. On the other hand, I'll hear what the doctor has to say as I'm not quite willing to give up with this dream for now...

Thursday, February 16, 2012

IVF #1=Not Good

What a weird situation. They think we're having an ectopic pregnancy, even though that only happens for 1% of IVF cases.

We finally had our u/s on Tues and they couldn't find anything even though our HCG kept going up. Our doctor was genuinely surprised and disappointed, but I also don't think he was fully aware of how much I had been bleeding the last couple of weeks.

I have to get a methotrexate shot tomorrow. This will be my 3rd. We've had a total of 5 miscarriages at the pre-week 6 mark. I'm afraid to even tell my parents about this one. What I really don't want to hear from people is that maybe my body isn't meant to be pregnant. That's what all of this would indicate, right?

Except with each step we feel like we get closer to unraveling this mystery. I'd say that if everything worked with this IVF cycle except that it somehow traveled up to my tubes, then it's bound to be right next time, right?? Or in the next couple of times?

They said we'd be at transfer stage again 6-10 weeks from now depending on when my period comes, etc. (Can't imagine a period again after 3 weeks of bleeding!!!).

Anyway, since I have a little window of 'freedom', I'm trying to get down to FL in the winter to visit my cousin. I think that'll do me some good. Let's see if I can get decent airfare now!

Thanks for all your support. Overall, I'm doing very well emotionally. There's so little we have control over and I really just want to be at peace. That, and I had a little chat with my mom after last weekend's disappointment with her, and it went really well - I feel the love!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

In Limbo Land

The last 2 weeks have almost been harder than the traditional 2WW. It's been the second 2WW - the post-postive pre-heartbeat stage. And it's been really, really hard.

Testing positive with low numbers isn't reassuring and bleeding, at times heavily, for about a week isn't either.

We've essentially been going through that yo-yo. The center says our levels are rising appropriately, but they aren't doubling. They say they look for at least a 66% rise. Well, guess what ours has been? Yes - 66%.

Throw on top of it stressful work right now and my mom who I haven't been calling because she can't be supportive in the way I need her to be, who I know is mad that I haven't been calling even though I've said that I'll likely need to communicate less while we go through IVF because it's so stressful...

And of course, the last 2 calls I've had with her (one just now) have stressed me out - she's just negative in general, was starting to say that maybe the reason we've had so much trouble is because my work is stressful... oh yes, just what I love to hear - it's my fault we've had problems. Sure, quit my job and I'm sure I'd get pregnant right away! That's exactly how it works! Oh yeah, and the other time I had a miscarriage because she said I walked too much - yeah, I'm sure that's exactly  the reason we miscarried... Yeah, and she wonders why I don't call more??? Hmmm, seems to make sense to me.

Grrrr. I wish I could just not call, for even six months or whenever we're done with IVF, and have it be ok then.

In the meantime, we have an ultrasound appt on Tues. Wish us luck. I'm worried mostly because of the bleeding... I just either want this to work or have us move onto another cycle.

Monday, January 30, 2012

I'm Already Bleeding :(

Supposed to test on Thurs and just as soon as I made my bloodwork appt, I went to the bathroom and saw blood! What?!? I called back right away and the nurse wasn't really helpful.

"We don't like to see that, but it might not mean anything... still come in Thurs and keep taking your meds. We'll keep our fingers crossed."

I was so upset. I cried and cried. It was too good to think that it might just work on the first one.

But it's ok... I knew I just needed to be upset. We went into this with the longer-term view and it'll be ok.

I had dinner with a good friend who is in town visiting. I almost cancelled on her, but I thought, no, this will be good.

And, of course, as soon as I see her, I started tearing-up and told her what was going on, and just as good friends do, she listened, was empathetic and I started feeling better.

Thank goodness for old/good friends. Thank goodness for perspective. And thank goodness for my peace right now.

It's disappointing. I know it could still not be anything, but I'm also realistic, and I don't think this is good news. Having our family, however that happens, is just going to take longer. And I knew that.

(I also went out and got popcorn (Pir.ate's Bo.oty!), ice cream, chocolate and cookies!)

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The IVF Road

We've started IVF! In fact, transfer is tomorrow.

It's been both less scary than I thought... and then there were some parts I didn't anticipate.

Meds: Getting the big box of medications was an adventure. It IS overwhelming, and I kinda freaked out when I saw it all. Plus, I hate - yes, hate - needles, so looking at that wasn't good for me.  And, I mistakenly threw out the trigger shot (I thought it was just an ice pack!). Fortunately, the pharmacy took pity on me and sent me another free of charge. Phew!

Shots: Since I hate needles, what was my trick? Luckily, my husband saved the day, and all injection days, by learning all there is to know about giving me shots and I didn't have to learn any of it. I just iced myself numb and watched a fun video (from our trip to Vietnam and more specifically of Halong Bay, my dream place!) while he poked me everday, some twice a day.

Monitoring: Yes, and all those monitoring appointments! I was determined to lead a normal life throughout this and even biked to my doc's appts!! I want to try to be the IVF patient who does not gain weight! So, yes, I biked... Proud of me? You should be! (It's really only 1.5 miles each way... but the way back is up a hill, and it's been pretty cold, so I deserve kudos for that extra effort!). :)

Retrieval: Then comes retrieval time. I got a bit freaked about that, especially since I didn't realize the 'antibiotic' they give you the day before makes you get severe diarrhea... well, at least it did for me, so that wasn't fun. But, they got 8 eggs! Very exciting. (Even though I overheard a woman next to me get 30!!  -- They told me 8 of my quality ones were good).

I was pretty sore after retrieval and tired in general. Not sure if it's from the procedure or from the drugs or both.

The report so far: 5 fertilized and all 5 are doing well.

Next step: transfer tomorrow (probably just 1; will confer with doc today/tomorrow morning), and then a 2 week wait!

I'm hopeful... :)

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Thoughts on 2011/2012

First, Happy 2012! I know I've been a bit MIA this year but I manage to keep coming back. For those of uswho have been on this journey together for a couple of years now, I know we mean a lot to each other and want to know what's happening, no matter what stage we're in.

The stage I want to get to? The peaceful one! :)

2011 was all about grieving and trying to move to a place of next steps... in a way that would be peaceful for me. I'm sick of the highs and lows of the chase and frankly, I don't think my mental and emotional state could take that anymore.

Fertility journey 2011 highlights:
  • Counseling via someone on the Resolve website; someone who personally and professionally understands infertility. She is someone who really gets it, having gone through failed IVF and moved onto adoption. I don't know what I would have done without therapy.
  • Moving past that my mother and mother-in-law just don't know how to be there emotionally for me. This has by far been THE HARDEST part of my journey. I always thought I could 'go to my mommy' in the really hard times but she misses the mark almost every time, and, as a result, I've had to shut her out. I don't think she means it (I really hope she doesn't) but she can't seem to get it. And I thought that my mother-in-law and I would be close... and that her being a pastor would really help, but it hasn't. I have felt like the time that I've most needed a mom, I haven't had one and that pain runs very deep. I'm still trying to work through it.
  • A mind/body/fertility workshop focused on meditation (I still can't really meditate!) that taught me to stabilize the highs and lows we go through with the infertility journey. I hope I can keep this mindset going through IVF treatments.
  • 4th pregnancy in July (2nd naturally after fibroid removal in 2010) and then miscarriage at 5 weeks. Somehow this one was easier to 'get over' because of my such low expectations. Sad, I know...
  • Agreeing on a plan: start IVF in early 2012 IF we can go on a trip in Dec 2011
    • I haved LOVED international travel and get such a natural high off of it. The last trip we went on was 4 years ago, when we first started trying to conceive. When I knew I wasn't looking forward to IVF, I knew I needed something to get my spirits up again and help get me through the shots! Vietnam has been high on my list ever since I saw a picture in a magazine 10 years ago of Halong Bay. My dream came true:
    • IVF - Here we come! I have very mixed feelings about this. I'm skeptical and jaded at this point and I think too afraid to hope that this could work but I know how important biology is to my husband... and I know I'd welcome a positive outcome. :) PLUS, I've equally (if not more!) become excited with the thought of adoption and I know going through IVF might get us closer to that (hard to explain but particularly with my husband having lost his father when he was young, exploring our biology is something he really wants us to do before we consider adoption and I'm supportive of that)...
My main 2 take-aways are: 1) I feel more confident that however we get there (IVF, adoption, ?) we will likely have our family someday (and also trying to feel ok with that potentially never happening for us). I also know if it is to happen, that it can't necessarily have immediate results, being 4 years into this already so 2) I want to focus on feeling peaceful no matter how this happens for us and no matter how long this journey lasts for us.

I wish you all PEACE for 2012!