FET #2 & State of Mind Update

We've begun our frozen cycle #2. I didn't take a break after FET #1 did not work and this is our only embryo left from our first fresh cycle back in Jan.

I'm not sure how to feel. My counselor says I'm definitely struggling with depression. It's been hard to not have much energy for things. It's been hard to deal with Mother's Day and Father's Day seeming like they are back to back (we went backcountry camping for Mother's Day to get away from it all and I'm trying to plan an escape route for Father's Day too).

It's hard going through this cycle feeling a tiny bit hopeful (or else I wouldn't do it my counselor says) but also feeling like it's a bit pointless. I guess I feel so jaded now. FIVE miscarriages. 4 1/2 years of infertility. I just keep thinking - is this going to end??? And how are we going to get there? And I just want to be ok with however we get there - that's been my goal, to be as peaceful as possible throughout this process and I feel like I'm mostly failing at that.

I haven't been completely down in the dumps... we went to my in-laws for Memorial weekend and were part of my 8 month old niece's baptism and I just loved being with her. I've got a fun annual company meeting that I've mostly organized in Chicago this week and heading straight to my 15 year college reunion. And at the end of the month, I am heading to Atlanta for an HR conference I'm excited about.

So, it's not like I'm not doing things, but I certainly don't have much energy on the weekends and I feel social pressures of having to do stuff... and that's been hard. And it's hard to stay positive - that takes a lot of energy.

Please wish me peace for this cycle. If it doesn't work, I haven't decided yet if I'll take a break and try to go on a work trip abroad (which I would be excited about) or go straight into another fresh IVF cycle. I'm kinda thinking forge ahead - this was the year of IVF for us and I don't want to keep dragging out our family building. All these decisions are hard!

Failed First FET :(

I'm so bummed. I'm mostly surprised. I really thought this would take.

I think the drugs must really mimic making your body think it's pregnant because I've been tired and VERY bloated. I really thought I was pregnant.

Oh, but our chances are so low (can't remember how low). At least an FET is less work than a fresh IVF, but still!!!

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I'll wait for my period, get on birth control again and hopefully go into another FET with the 1 frozen embryo we have left.

I'd appreciate some virtual hugs. I'm feeling pretty bummed out right now.

And thank goodness for counseling tomorrow morning at 8am...

Transfer Time & Counseling

Transfer time for our first FET was Mon, Apr 23! I've been doing well and for now, am feeling hopeful. We have another one frozen, so I'm kinda looking at this next phase as seeing what happens with these 2 frozen embryos. Feels good to be moving forward.

In the meantime, I think I began processing my last miscarriage from our first IVF a few weeks ago. I'd realize that about once a week when I was in bik.ram (hot) yoga, I'd just break down with overwhelming emotion... something had to change, so I scheduled myself back into my therapist.

That session was last Friday and already made a huge difference. I spent a lot of time crying in her office. The next day, B and I were at an event with friends we hadn't seen in awhile.One of B's friends came up to us to tell us how sorry she was about our miscarriage and it just struck me at how huge this has all been for us when B said 'yeah, this is miscarriage number 5 for us.'

I keep trying to brush this stuff off like I should handle it better, that in the grand scheme of things it shouldn't be that big of a deal, that other people go through harder stuff, etc., etc. but when I think of the last 4 1/2 years of trying to conceive with 5 early miscarriages with IUIs, IVF and surgeries... it IS a lot!

The hardest part still remains that people in general just don't get it. They don't get the pain. And it's all very invisible to most people. Our families still don't really know how to handle it (B's parents visited 2 weeks ago and B's mother said to me - "I know you're going through a lot emotionally, but how are you recovering physically?").

It's so clear that the emotion is just too much for most people... and that's what can hurt the most - feeling isolated and alone in pain that others either can't see, can't seem to understand or don't want to come near.

Thank good ness for my husband, my best friend, my pastor and another good friend - the 4 who have really been there for me. And thank goodness for my counselor, who is awesome, has gone through infertility and IVF herself and gets it.

And thank goodness for moving forward. I'm hopeful to see what these next 1-2 cycles will bring.

FET #1 on Schedule for April 23 / Difficult Easter Thoughts

Even though I never got my period after the bc pills, they still said everything looks good to start our first FET. We started shots on Saturday which will be every 3 days. They hurt a bit more than I thought (intramuscular in the bum).

Check in on Tues, Apr 17 and if all looks good (which we anticipate), we're doing transfer on Mon, Apr 23.

Hopeful this time... the plan is to only transfer one. And we have one more waiting in the wings.

I've started processing our miscarriage from our last IVF cycle. Easter was difficult as holidays tend to be for me. I wanted to just ignore it and not deal with it. Didn't really feel like talking to my family that day. B and I just hung out and did a lot of housework. We also had crabs to commemorate the 1 year anniversary of our dog's passing last year. (Our dog loved the water and on the weekend he died last year, we went and had crabs for hours and reminisced).

I'll be ok, just having a hard time with all the feelings I don't think I dealt with from the miscarriage but also hopeful going into a new cycle.

FET #1 Scheduled

We're in the birth control pill stage of our first frozen cycle. We have 2 frozen embryos from our first IVF and are moving forward again. We plan to transfer just 1.

Just ordered my meds which cost WAY, WAY, WAY less than the IVF cycle and expect to get my period next Tues. It's exciting to be moving forward again.

I am NOT looking forward to the shots in my bum every 3 days though. That was a real disappointment to hear. And that they'd have to continue to the pregnancy test - and beyond if we test positively. They tell me that it won't hurt as bad as some of my bum shots from before... I hope that is the case!

In the meantime, my regular dentist visit showed me that I have FIVE cavities. FIVE! I still can't get over it. My dentist said that pregnancy can mess with your teeth (even early on pregnancy and the hormones I may be taking for IVF). I also have a decaying wisdom tooth. So, trying to get 3 not-so-fun appointments in to take care of all of this before transfer.

I'm also back to running. Still slow, but can do 30 mins now and it does so much good for my mental state!

Transfer date is set for Mon, April 23... stay tuned! We're excited to be moving forward again...