Sunday, March 17, 2013

Miscarriage #6

Pretty unbelievable. It's a wonder we continue to try, really.

So, our FET #4 worked with the PGD testing. Just 1 embryo and it worked. I couldn't believe it. Did a home test the day before and was so happy, but also cautious.

We've gone down many roads of a positive test but with low numbers where it ends up miscarrying or becoming ectopic/suspected ectopic.

But this time our first beta was 566! They didn't even want/need to see me again for 4 more days and by then our numbers doubled to 2099! I was ecstatic. Finally, like a light switch, I wasn't depressed anymore.

Then, at 5 1/2 weeks, as always, I had massive bleeding within the span of 2 hours. I just knew that that couldn't be good. I went into my clinic and they did an ultrasound and said it was too early to tell or that the blood may be disrupting their view but they said to still be hopeful and said they thought they saw a sac. My bloodwork, though, came back at 2400. They said that didn't necessarily mean anything but I was suspect at that point. That was on a Thursday. They said rest over the weekend and come back on Monday for Week 6 ultrasound.

Well, there was no sac. And my level had dropped to 421. At least it's not ectopic. With having gone through this so many times, it's amazing I took it all so calmly and was relieved that it wasn't ectopic.

My doctor was out of town all of last week and we're not scheduled for a phone consult with him until this Thursday. I'm so eager to know what he'll say next. But I'm also somewhat fearful that we're so much closer to the end of line on this. I don't trust my body anymore. The only thing I can think of that may help is whether I need blood thinners or something. I have no idea. My mind is jumping now to gestational carriers and whether that's something we'd actually look into and afford. It's all overwhelming.

B and I are really strained in our marriage. The last couple of months haven't been great. We've been going to counseling once a week and that's been really helpful but I just want us to be normal again and close. Especially when something difficult like this happens.

I'd been bleeding for 10 days and finally stopped today. That constant reminder was becoming to be too much.

When are we going to get our family??? When am I going to feel normal again? I'm sick of being sad all the time and not being able to be myself and interact with others like normal. I can accept that we're not able to have the life we thought we would have and that this is going to be long and difficult but I just want to be able to feel normal about it all.

I know it'll get better and we'll figure it all out. It's just been a hard last 10 days.

11 comments:

  1. I'm so, so sorry. Coping with infertility is impossible enough and then dealing with so many losses on top of that, is beyond unfair. I wish there were some wise words I could share with you but I know grieving another loss is a process and that each of you will attempt to cope in your own way. Abiding with you, and sending hope that you can find the strength and support you need during this difficult time and that your relationship is strengthened in the end. ((Hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ugh, the worst. It just isn't fair that you have to go through this so many times. It would be impossible not to be down and sad, you are going through so much. We have all felt that way, defeated and wondering when it will be our time. Sending you hugs, positive vibes and strength. You will have your baby, it won't be easy, it might not be the path you thought it would be but it will happen. Thinking of you!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm really really sorry. That is just devastating. The whole process is just so hard. I remember just feeling so, so very lost when we were finished with our fifth IVF cycle and still had nothing to show for it, except heartache. Allow yourself to grieve and hoping you and your DH can find strength in each other.

    ReplyDelete
  4. OH, I am so very sorry. This is all so hard - on both partners - and it makes it harder when things get strained, though it isn't all that surprising when they do - so many emotions. I hope that the counseling continues to help and you are once again as close as you were. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Damnit! I'm so sorry - my heart is with you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm so sorry for your loss. 6 is just an unbearable number and my heart hurts to know you have gone through so many. I hope you can take some time to heal - mind, body and marriage.

    ReplyDelete
  7. So sorry to read this. Have you had immunology tests? I had repeated miscarriages - many many of them. We had tests and discovered that me and my husband were immunologically incompatible - basically because we could literally donate kidneys to each other my body didn't recognise our babies as 'different' and didn't through up a protective layer around them - so my immune system would attack them.

    In the end we decided to either use donor sperm or eggs and take one of us out of the mix. As I was 40 by then we used donor eggs and we now have triplets.

    Sorry maybe you have already tried this (have been out if the loop for a year) but didn't want to not share as it worked for us xxx

    ReplyDelete