You Are Loved

 Dear Little A,

I should be preparing to hold you today. Today's your due date and who knows when you might have chosen to come or if we would've had to induce you but I'm choosing to think you would've come today, on your due date.  That I would've been anticipating all day and hoping all would've been going well with your delivery and then welcoming you into my arms, getting to hold and coddle you, and love you. Finally. 

You would've gotten to become D's brother this day. And he would've loved you so much. (He loves babies). (I'm sure he would've been jealous, at least at first, but you would've loved you).

I'm really sad today. I'm sad I don't get to meet you. I'm sad that we worked so hard for you to come to our lives, into life, into our family, and it didn't work out. I'm sad I don't get to hold you. I'm sad I don't get to be your mommy.

I would do anything to have all of that come true. To have our dreams come true today.

I don't know why this happened or why it had to happen. I don't even really believe in reasons. I think it was completely random. That we got into the 2nd trimester and something still went wrong, that your abdominal wall wasn't forming properly and your heart stopped beating. 

That was an awful day for me. I was so naive that I didn't even really think that that was a possibility. I thought they were just having trouble with the machine. 

It's weird to think I was even feeling guilt over having you work out, that after 5 attempts, you had finally worked and I was going to get my two kids, that you'd be one of them. I was feeling like why do I get to have my dreams come true? 

And the thing is I need to be sad today. I need to let it out and grieve your loss. 

And then I want to move on. My dreams have largely come true. I've gotten to be a mom to D, your dad is an amazing husband and dad, we have such a great life together and you will always be in my heart. But I also can't keep carrying this. Life is for the living. And yes, I'm sad about you. Extremely sad. But I can't keep being sad. There is too much in life to be happy about and I want to be a happy person. I know that in order to do that I need to make space to be sad about you, and I am, and have been. I have a necklace to honor you. I have a rock painted with your name on it (and the sisters that never came into our lives either) and ready to do something with your dad today where we can talk about what today might've been like, what you might've been like, what having another boy in our family would've been like, how you and D would've been together.

Ah, I miss you so much already. It's so not fair that you couldn't be here today. It's so not fair. I wish I could've held you. I really do. You mean so, so much to me. You are so incredibly loved. You'll be in my heart always.