Feeling Blah

 Trying to get over this loss has really left me feeling blah. I can't believe I'm dealing with depression and anxiety again. My therapist actually doesn't think I'm depressed - we did an inventory and it doesn't seem so but it sure feels like depression. She says it's grief. Whatever it is, I don't like it.

Two weeks ago, I called my psychiatrist to get back on meds. I thought starting at a small dosage would be good but after a week I didn't feel anything different, then we upped it a bit more and still nothing. I'm hoping I can up it again this week and feel better and if not, maybe upping it even more.

I've heard that many people have had to increase their meds during co.vid so it wouldn't surprise me if I had to. I just feel like I'm dealing with a whole lot more than "just grief".

Work isn't going great. I haven't loved Mondays in awhile... and in fact, I'm writing this at 9am on a Monday because I don't feel like diving into work. It's been hard for two reasons: 1) I think my performance has suffered as a result of all these grief feelings and 2) I feel like I'm being unfairly scrutinized by top leadership for the diversity practices I want to put in place which has led me to think more about whether this is really a place for me long-term or whether it's better I stay and try to make incremental progress. I just don't know if it'll ever get better between me and the leader of my company so I'm not quite sure what to do other than I know not do to anything now while I'm not feeling quite myself. 

I had an interview a couple of weeks ago for a position more senior to what I am now and I don't think it went well. I don't think I had that experience or the leader and I didn't jibe or I wasn't feeling super confident. There's part of me that feels like maybe it's better I hang up my hat on being a leader and go be number 2 somewhere else where it may be less stressful... who knows. I'll decide when my meds have me in a better place.

B has also been working A TON and not very present and having me feel like I'm doing more solo parenting and also making me feel like I can't really plan travel which I love and need to do. 

So I just did another trip with D solo to a state park which was really fun and I want to take advantage of Labor Day weekend but B won't commit just yet so I'm half tempted to just book the place and if he comes great and if not, D and I will go alone again which isn't really what I want. I want to take him tubing and think it'll be better with all of us. 

I just mostly want my energy and pep back. I'm sick of feeling this way and not myself. 

I also wonder if "turning the page on the calendar" tomorrow and not having it be August anymore will help. This was a tough month that's for sure.