Friday was so, so hard. Or at least it started that way.
I woke up crying into my pillow. It just sucked to have to face what that day was.
I then saw a beautiful text from K that I haven't been able to fully process till now. I just re-read it. I then got a text from my best friend, J. And both of those just made me loose it. I couldn't stop crying.
I couldn't muster energy to exercise. Grief. It's strong. Couldn't exercise Thursday either.
I just kept crying in the car too. It just sucks. To think that that was the day I was supposed to get to meet and hold my baby... and instead my baby didn't get to grow, didn't get to make it, didn't get to be a part of our lives.
And not just that baby, but the 5 total tries since D was born. That we had 5 embryos and we thought for sure, the next 1-2 would work... and the fact that we had to endure two early losses with my cousin, N. And then two failed attempts with K, (and for me to process that those 4 were girl embryos and that I'd been preparing that whole time that D would have a sister and that we'd get to use our perfect girl name(s). And then to then have that last one, the little boy, make us guess when the numbers weren't rising properly (was that a sign? no, they told us it wasn't), and to be so relieved that there was a heartbeat when we thought there was a good chance there wouldn't be, and to make it all the way to 14.5 weeks to have a defect. How does all of that happen to us???
I had painted some rocks with little A's name plus the two girl names... and then almost forgot them, we were a block away and came home to get them. Thank goodness.
I wanted to release them pretty soon after we got in the water just to be able to move on. So we took them out and B said some nice things like 'we had so much love in our hearts for you to come into our lives' and then released them.
And it was cathartic.
Our float/tubing was much quicker than we anticipated (an hour and a half, it had been raining a lot that week so the water was flowing more quickly than normal), so we decided to do it again. And so glad we did. It was almost like the first float was about processing the baby and the 'what could've beens' and the second float felt much lighter. Almost like a date. (We realized we hadn't spent time like that in awhile, just concerted time just the two of us).
We had gone to a store nearby beforehand to get lunch stuff. It was actually a store that was close to where D and I had recently gone to a goat farm and there were these nice decorative rocks there and I decided to get one. It felt like releasing the other rocks and then picking a rock as a 'move forward' rock felt right.
The saying feels a bit trite right now because of the show but it also feels right.
I want to focus on my blessings. I want this other stuff behind us.
So this is laying in our backyard right now and feels good.💗
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