Working Toward Re-Resolution

I just re-read my May 2 post and I can't believe how much I backtracked since then. I just didn't make the space to process and that's how I backslid. I forgot all those May 2nd feelings, all the work that got me there... but I also think that getting off my meds allowed me to feel again, and so I felt it. I felt it all.

And I got stressed and didn't have time for myself, for B, for me/us to process. And here I am, July 16, after having weekly sessions with my therapist again for at least the last month or so, and our conversation today was all the things I wrote on May 2nd.

Yes - NONE OF THIS IS EASY.

And I was back in dreamland with what ifs... well, the what if that can only be real to me is: what if someone said, I have a newborn to hand you right away, the parents have given up their rights and it's available to you. YES, then, yes, I would jump through hurdles to get that baby.

BUT that's not going to happen. It just isn't and even me thinking that it could, that it might is detrimental to me... because it puts me back in limbo-land, in anxiety-land, in possible depression-land.

I can't handle the anxiety-producing part-time job with no guarantees it would mean if we opened the door again. Adoption or surrogacy with donor egg, both of those are too risky, too anxiety producing and too much filled with no guaranteed outcome. (We had 5 embryos and two healthy surrogates and nothing to show for it).

So, I have to move on. I just have to. And unfortunately, it's not what I would have chosen. But it's what I have to choose now. For my sanity. For my mental health. For me. For my marriage. For my family.

I want us focused on us. Me on me, B and I on us, and the three of us on us.

We have a child. I think it would be different if I still weren't a mom. But I am. And I'm so grateful for that and am amazed by it still.

Of course it's sad that little A was almost in our grasp. That he would be coming into our lives about a month from now had everything gone smoothly.

But that didn't happen.

(And there's no guarantees that it would've been perfect once he was here too).

I'm doing a 5 year short journal prompt and the other day I got: ____________ is perfect.

I thought about it for a long time, all day, and then finally wrote, my life, my family is nearly perfect. And it really is.

And that's what I want to focus on - my amazing life and my nearly perfect family. 💗

Not by choice but it's a pretty amazing second option.