Milestones in Pregnancy Loss

I had to go back to counseling in June. I just wasn't making the space to process the pregnancy loss.

I thought I had already done so much to "move on" but it turns out that when you continue to not make time for processing, it builds up and that's what happened for me in June.

Therapy has been good... good to get it out and good to force myself to make space for it.

Turns out I got my necklace and that wasn't enough.

And I knew D's 3rd bday coming up would be hard for me, and I wanted to be able to show up for him in a way that was joyous and celebratory and honoring him rather than what it's reminding me of what we don't have.

BUT also making space for thinking of course him getting older is making me think that he'll be our only baby and that still makes me sad, and that he won't have a sibling and that makes me sad and that I never thought we'd be a family of 3 and I still haven't come to full acceptance with that.

I've taken time for myself - went to the VA hills at a cottage for some me time and went to a state park beach by myself for the day recently, and both of those things were restorative.

I've also been thinking of what else I can do to commemorate and "move on".

The next milestone is August 14 - the would've-been-due-date.

And I need to take the pressure off of that day for myself. No matter what I do that day, I'll still be sad after that day. It's not like marking it will lessen that.

But I also want to make sure I mark that day with something meaningful. I think I'm going to paint rocks with the baby's names on them and put them in the water. And hopefully B and I can spend that day together, just the two of us, with our feelings about that day, be near the water, maybe eat some crabs as we process.

Thank goodness for therapy. Thank goodness for a loving husband. And thank goodness for the ability to have options to mark these milestones.

I'm still working through it.