I feel terrible that my brother's comments on face.book affect me the way they do. He probably doesn't even realize it (of course he doesn't!) and even if he did, it's my problem. They shouldn't affect me like this...
My brother has a 2 1/2 year old son and a 6 year old step-son. We love them both dearly.
Recently, with his wife's brother and sister-in-law's anniversary, he posted "make my boys some cousins tonight." It really affected me. I know, he has a weird sense of humor to begin with (not sure that I would've posted something like that...) but I couldn't help but think that we want to make his boys some cousins - and in fact, they would already likely have one by now if we weren't faced with infertility!!!
I did think it was slightly insensitive on his part, but then again, even though he knows of our struggles, he has no idea how an innocent thing like that can come across.
And on father's day, he posted, "he did it! it was, like, 11:30pm but [my son] slipped it in in the nick of time, giving me my 1st ever "happy father's day." i thought i was gonna have to wait til next year."
Sweet, right? Yeah, well, it should be, but bitter sad me can't help but read that with a pained heart. Where's our child who will say happy father's day to my husband???
As you can see, I'm having a particularly hard time handling these types of things right now. How do you all handle comments like this? Any advice on how I can 'buck up' and not take it so personally??? :)
2 years ago
I really wish I could tell you how to not take things like that personally, but I don't know any way! Does he know of your IF woes? I don't know, I do think the cousin comment was a little insensitive, but I guess it's also based off if he knows you've been having issues TTC or not.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say things like that wouldn't bother me, but a lot of comments out there people say do hurt. Sorry to hear though.
It is really easy to "hide" or remove someone on FB but with it being your brother that makes this situation all the more difficult for you...I am sorry, I have been therer myself (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI try to not read too much into everyone else's status posts on FB. It is their opinion, their thoughts. I am sure your brother is not directing his posts towards you even though they do hurt your feelings.
No advice sorry. Things like that really get to me too. So no help just sympathy. X
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew a hands-down guaranteed way to endure those comments or situations w/o them getting to you... but I don't. I'm still looking for one, myself.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for the hurt your brother (unknowingly) inflicted on you... hang in there~
I think this is the hardest part of getting over a loss. The innocent comments that can really hurt your feelings. I wish I had an answer, but I am pretty sure it's not personal
ReplyDeleteI have hidden many FB friends that have frequent post that sting me. He would have no idea if you did this. You are able to access his profile, but it would be totally on your terms (meaning when you are prepared to see things that may hurt a little). I, too, am sure it is not personal, but think that you need to do what ever is needed to take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI would have taken it the same way, especially the cousin-making comment. Granted, I know nothing about your brother nor your relationship with him, but I'm willing to bet it wasn't malicious on his part. Funny how the lack of malice doesn't make it hurt any less though, isn't it? Ugh. I'm so sorry you're having to see stuff like this. It does hurt. Always.
ReplyDeleteHere's how I handle them: Sometimes a few tears with a sad heart, sometimes a big ol' sobfest and sometimes DAYS worth of pity partyin'. Honestly. I wish there was a magic pill or special words that would make the pain go away, but ... there's not.
ReplyDeleteThat doesn't really help you out, I guess.. 'cept to let you know that you're not alone. (((Hugs)))
And yes, yes you absolutely should let yourself "feel what you feel." Sometimes those feelings are shitty, but don't beat yourself up for having them.
Oh, I'd have a hard time with those comments too. I'd probably just hide him on facebook right now, although I'm not sure that's the best solution. So sorry!
ReplyDeleteHugs!
I would delete the comment from my page and any other that he writes like that... he'll get the hint eventually and if you need to just ask him not to make any comments to you in reference to babies cause it's too painful.. he should understand.... of course he understands... he better understand:)
ReplyDeleteI keep everything bottled in right now, and rarely even show emotion towards my husband when it comes to IF. We are still pretty new to all of this so I act like I have an open mind about things when really, I cringe every time I hear a baby announcement or sweet comments like that about others kids.
ReplyDeleteICLW #168
I think it's impossible to buck up. Honestly. Stuff like that just pierces the body armor with awful precision. On Father's Day, when I was making the rounds of phone calls, 3 separate people said "You too" when I wished them Happy Father's Day. I mean, really? It's like a language - and if you don't speak it, you can't possibly hear how you sound to someone who is fluent (unlucky us).
ReplyDelete(Thanks very much for your comments on my blog - they are appreciated).
I would have totally flipped on my brothers if any one of them said something like that. Fortunately, I was the first one to have a baby in our family so I didn't have to hear it. It still is awful!
ReplyDeleteNo advice. Personally I'm thinking facebook is about to be the death of me with all the pregnancy and birth announcements. recently an acquaintance who struggled with secondary infertility after her firstborn announced that she's having another girl. This will be her third child and we are still struggling mightily, three years into this to have our first. It hurts, no way around it. But of course I wouldn't begrudge her her happiness.
ReplyDeleteMo
Sorry Facebook is causing you pain. I had to block my own sister, who has a 5 week old. Couldn't take all the gushy comments.
ReplyDeleteAh yes, Facebook is notorious for bringing on the tears. I am so sorry that the postings have hurt you, but I hope you know that you are not alone. Many hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteICLW
I know it's really hard when you read things like this. But, you have to remember they are not meant to be hurtful towards you. The fertile family members and/or friends we have just do what they do and say what they say and we infertiles can take it quite personally and feel they are being totally insensitive when all the while they are oblivious. It is so frustrating but educating them can be futile as well. I did a few posts on this very topic a while back. Huge hugs & Happy ICLW!
ReplyDeleteEvery time I go to that place in my mind I tell myself "Their good fortune has nothing to do with my bad fortune. I can't be mad at them for their good fortune, it's not their fault, its not my fault, it just is. No matter how on fair it may seem. It just is" Be strong, be thankful to have your niece/newphews and know and trust that one day you will be a parent. Whether it be through infertility treatments or by adoption. Stay Positive!
ReplyDelete