I'm having a hard time right now. It's not even that I'm having a hard time with others' babies in general, it's that I'm having a hard time wanting to spend time with the babies I know. Wanting to put in that effort.
I know that as soon as I do, I enjoy it. But it takes a lot of energy to get to being there. And I'm mad at myself for not putting in the extra effort.
I've mentioned a couple of times how The Infertile Mind has inspired me to spend more time with my nephews. Yes, she's inspired me alright... but have I done anything about it? No.
I don't want to be that person who is down. I don't want to be the person who doesn't want to get to know her best friend's baby better. I don't want my best friend to take it personally that I'm not craving to spend time with her baby. I don't want to be a bad aunt by not going out of my way more to be with my nephews.
I also know that it probably has everything to do with infertility. That, and a busy job, where all I want to do on the weekends is get my household chores done and REST.
And does work have more to do with it than I think? Why do I feel drained so much? I'm focusing on a great job that takes up more time than 40 hrs/week, I'm focusing on losing weight, I'm focusing on yoga and doing a 1/2 marathon, I'm focusing on my marriage. I'm focusing on my church. And what's left? A tiny bit of time for doing some life necessities (laundry, groceries, etc) and spending time with friends.
I have another friend who now lives 45 mins away and everytime she asks me to do something, I feel like she's taking a piece of me that I can't give right now. I LOVE this friend. Every time I see her I'm so grateful for her.
So, how did I get to be this person? And do I force myself to do these things knowing that I'll be glad I did?? I don't know what to do!!
2 years ago
Have you visited "While I'm Waiting"? She posted the BEST article. It talks about the "why" and why it is normal.....
ReplyDeletehttp://whilewaitingiwillworship.blogspot.com/2010/04/psychological-component-of-infertility.html
Check her out & I hope you take some time to rest this weekend!
Hugs There is nothing I can say that would make you feel better or answer your questions. I will imagine that we're sitting in silence or chatting or that you're talking and I'm listening while we drink coffee or tea or something stronger.
ReplyDeleteI think you should cut yourself some slack, my friend! When I was going through a divorce and then grieving the loss of my dad, I went to a counselor named Penny quite a bit. Here's a "Pennyism": Can you give yourself permission to take all the time you need to sort things out and find peace about everything that burdens you? I mean (and this is Susie speaking now), you sound like you've got your priorities in order. You love your friends and your husband, you work hard at your job, you work to be physically fit, you invest in your church family... There's nothing wrong with who you are. Take a deep breath, give yourself the same respect you give others, and give yourself time to be where you are and feel the way you do right now. It's okay. I kind of think you're going to move past where you are right now in due time. But maybe where you are is where you need to be. Relax! (Sorry if I sound bossy. Not trying to be. Just want you to feel better and not be so hard on yourself. Hang in there. Hugs!)
ReplyDeleteI think I too feel the same... its hard. Its hard to deal with the enormous things in life on top of all the little things and something has to give. Give yourself permission. I try and aim for every third weekend... to do something with someone or for someone.
ReplyDeletegirl you are too hard on yourself.... I HATE being around babies... I get emotional.. I want to cry... I loose my appetite if I had one to begin with... it ruins what could have been a perfectly good night. but you know what I hate more than that---- I hate when my husband holds babies... this happened last night and I told the mom to come and get her baby cause my husband would't let her go.... he makes me so mad when he does that. He loves babies. you need to make yourself priority number 1. At this time don't worry about hanging out with babies or children in the family..... that's tooo hard and the wound is still open...but that of course is only my opinion. just take time for you and only do what you feel like doing... I am learning that everyday.... and yes it's hard because we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but no one will take care of you and care about your concerns and needs like you will.... so there you go....
ReplyDeleteI love spending time with my nieces and nephews. They are all special to me, but the reason I love being around them is because they are always excited to see me. It feels good to know that someone is happy to see you. I hope that you enjoy your time with your nephews.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment on my blog! I am so glad that the Lord used that post and that article! There was a reason why I posted it when I did and a reason why Rachel sent you over there! God always knows what we need when we need it, doesn't He??? :)
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