Friday, April 9, 2010

Why Did I Have to Tell Her?

Things have been good between me and my mom lately. It's been good because I haven't been telling her anything about how I've been feeling about infertility. And she's been sensitive to not bring it up or even slip in anything about babies/children.

It's been a HUGE relief.

But then, I went ahead and told her. I went ahead and told her how upsetting it was for me to find about my sister-in-law's sister-in-law's pregnancy on on Wed.

(And, no, that's not a typo... this person pretty much feels like a sister-in-law and is close to the family as I explained in my last post) :)

So my mom starts saying how I can't have everything and that I have a great career, a great house, blah, blah and I just tuned out because 1) I know she was just trying to somehow be nice or be positive for me and 2) I just really didn't want to get all riled up.

But... I am riled up. I don't even remember how we finished the conversation but that kind of stuff is just upsetting to me. Why can't she just say "I know this is hard for you" and just leave it at that. That's it. I certainly DON'T want any 'this is my cross to bear' bullcrap.

I know she said 'It won't always be like this' and 'I thought of you when I saw that posting' or something like that and I know she's just trying to be helpful but why does this have to be so cyclical with her? Why can't she just stick to being empathetic and leave it at that.

The thing is, I want to say something to her again about how best to help me but I'm not sure how to. She's super sensitive so I've just chosen to not say anything about any of this, but that's not an authentic relationship, is it?


  1. My mother is exactly the same way. Whenever I tell her something, she automatically jumps on the "look at the positives" train without even considering that maybe that's not what I want to hear. Sometimes we just want a hug and an "It's going to be ok", right? I think mom's are automatically programmed to look for the silver lining in everything. I'm sure your mom thinks this is the best way to make you feel better. Maybe try telling her that while you truly appreciate her being there for you and pointing out how great things are in other aspects of your life, sometimes you just want her to nod her head, give you a hug, and understand. (I know -- this is easier said than done.)

  2. You should email her that "infertility Etiquette" paper that is on the RESOLVE website. Maybe just preface it by saying: "Mom, this may help you understand me and my situation a little better....and will tell you what is good and what is bad to say to me."

  3. Oh I can completely mom irritated me very much at times with our infertility struggles. Always trying to be optimistic & I often made me feel that she was minimizing my feelings. You know her & the relationship you guys have best, but Amanda's suggestion about the Resolve etiquette may be a good idea, although this may just be your Mom's way of's difficult for people to really understand IF unless they've been through it. ((Hugs))

  4. There are a few ways to handle what or what not to say to mom... but I begin by telling her how IF and the talk of babies has made you sensitive, jealous,angry, emotional.. and how its changed you in ways you never thought possible... and then after you tell her how you feel.... tell her how important it is that you have her support and understanding... and tell her that you need her... writing her a letter may be a good idea too... I'm sure she's in a hard spot too because she just doesn't know the right words to say... like a lot of people... I'm sure she is trying her best though... but be honest with her... and hopefully she will understand... please keep us posted ... I sure hope that it all works out:)

  5. I didn't know there was an etiquette and I'll definitely check it out, I don't want to write anything that would upset you and other IFers.

    My mom is the kind of mom that acts like nothing is wrong and stays silent after the dropping of a bomb. Or when I complain about something or when I express feelings. What I told her and I told this to friends and my boyfriend is...don't say anything just nod or say "Ok" and give me a hug. It works.

  6. Hi hon... I just wanted to say that I feel that pain. theres nothing quite like a woman who has had children saying "it will be your turn soon.'
    truth is, they dont know, and all that does is invalidate your truth and your life. Its really hard.
    Its even harder when its your mum.