My best friend and I are going away together this weekend to a lake for some chill-just-us time. I can't wait. We need this so badly - or at least, I need this from us so badly.
She has a 1 1/2 year old who I just love, but as you can imagine, it's been a rocky road with dealing with my feelings about everything infertility and therefore, somehow even though this kid brings me joy, he can also bring on my sadness. He's about the age that I feel my child would be.
My best friend and I had both agreed to start trying around the same time - about 3 years ago. She took the lead though and started 4 months ahead of me. She got pregnant within 4 months but then had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. She got pregnant the following month.
I sometimes still can't believe that even with her set-back, she still has a 1 1/2 year old... and I have nothing. I try not to think about it too much - or think about it in that way. But it's hard not to.
And that's sometimes my biggest challenge. How do I let others' joys not become sadnesses to me?
I really need this weekend with her. Just her.
2 years ago
I know exactly how you feel, I don't know how you're going to deal with being around her little one but I hope it all goes ok...I wish I had some advice but I don't this time... just know I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand. My bff was finished having children by the time I knew I had a problem and has always been so supportive--my saddness comes from family. My 19 year old neice is now 15wks pregnant--condom came off, yeah. I never thought the precious little baby that I held 19 years ago would ever get preg before me. And although I am excited about having another baby in the family and I am beyond ttc anymore, it still breaks my heart a little, you know?
ReplyDeleteI am a nurse by trade, so I get all the 'what does this symptom mean" phone calls (you'd think I was a doctor)...I finally had to tell her the other day,"Look, I don't mean to be ugly, but I can't take all these calls about 'is this a preg symptom or not' because I've never been pregnant...you can google just as good as I can." She and I have a really close relationship and I was able to tell her that even though I am very happy, I am still a little jealous. She was so sweet and said "Awww, please don't be. I'm gonna share everything with you. It'll be 'our' baby."
It's just all completely unfair. :-(
I sure hope you enjoy your weekend!
Hope you guys have a wonderful weekend together & you come back feeling renewed! I too wrestle with being happy for others & not resenting what they have or feeling insanely jealous...I think recognizing we feel that way is a big first step, after all we are human & the struggles we're going through are extremely difficult & heart wrenching. Be gentle with yourself!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand. My BF and I go a couple times a year to see our favorite band together (we've been going since we were about 15), just us. No Hubbies, no kids (she has 2, and one was an 'oops baby.' What must that be like? Grr). I think it's good for both of us...
ReplyDeleteWe go tomorrow! Yay!
I know how you feel, too. And I can't figure out the right answer, if you figure anything out, let me know. :)
ReplyDeleteHope you're having a wonderful weekend. I've struggled so much with being joyful for others even with the ache for myself. I'm praying for you! HUGS!
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