Thursday, July 1, 2010

Marching On, But Continued Grief

I still can't get Rebecca out of my heart and mind. My thoughts continue to surround her as she grieves for her baby girl who was born too soon and left our world too early. (((Hugs))), Rebecca...

And then I saw this post from Sara, who I met during June's ICLW. It's called Who is This Person? It's a great post that I'm sure many of us can relate to. As I commented on her page: I just want to be normal again... to be happy when I see others with their babies, especially my best friend's whose baby is the age mine would have been had we gotten pregnant relatively early on.

And my journey continues... with an MRI this morning, bright and early at 6:45am. Not eating or drinking beforehand. My doc wanted to check out my fibroid before moving to recommended surgery. Have you ever had an MRI?

It was a miserable experience for me - at least at first. I knew I was clautophobic but I surprised myself with how I reacted. Just thinking about it makes me want to hyperventilate again.

As soon as they put me in, I asked to be taken out and I started to cry saying that I didn't think I could do this today. The tech calmed me down and said that he could remove the pillow and let me look out the back way if that would be better. So, we tried that. And it worked.

I still didn't like it but I just tried to keep breathing. Yoga actually helped in this case - I just kept focusing on my breath (though not taking deep breaths was hard!).

And all I kept thinking of was this is for the greater cause, remember the purpose and if this is what is needed to bring me my children, my family, then I'll stick through this.

I told myself the same thing 2 months ago when I posted Scared of Self Injection but unfortunately, that didn't bring me my baby. I have a feeling I'm going to have to go through many, many more steps before that happens and I'm trying to take that information in while continuing to breathe.


  1. The MRI was very stressful for me too. Although my head didn't have to go in, it was too close for comfort. I can totally relate.

  2. I just hyperventilated reading that. I'm really claustrophobic too.


  3. Hang in there ! Be proud of yourself for going through it.

  4. I've had two MRI's, one of them was on my head! That one sucks! I'm glad you survived it, though. At least if you ever have to do another one, you already know what to expect. I'm proud of you!

  5. Oh, glad the tech came up with a better option that at least made it slightly bearable! Ugh, all the stuff we go through. I keep telling myself it's making me tougher - maybe.

  6. Thank you so much for your kind words, thoughts, & prayers...they mean more than you can possibly know right now. Trying to take one day at a time, yesterday was very difficult, but today a bit better, grief is such an intense process!
    So sorry your MRI was difficult, keep breathing!