Resolution

Last week, as National Infertility Awareness Week was winding down, I started drafting a post in my head, then into face.book, and then kept going back to it for the next couple of days to add things and tweak things.

We're at the end of our journey. I've been resolved to it.

I almost wrote I resolved it, but it wasn't a truly active choice, it was very much by default. Unfortunately.

I didn't get the 3 kids I originally wanted. I didn't even get 2, after having 5 embryos left after D was born - after D finally came into our lives.

But it IS resolved. And it feels good in most ways, in many ways. Not the outcome. Not what we wanted. But to be DONE. To carry on without this constant side project going on. The one that takes so much out of me.

I also think Co.vid got me there more quickly than I might have. Whether it was going to be more fertility treatments via surrogacy and donor egg or adoption, those options would have had some significant delays and uncertainty that I don't think I could have handled on top of the already super uncertain aspects of them.

(Seriously, my heart goes out to those in waiting on both fertility treatments and adoption right now, I can't imagine having to wait any longer or having things be put on hold for unforeseen amounts of time. What always helped me was planning the next phase and I really don't know how people are handling not being able to do that right now).

We saw my parents last week for a physically distanced party on their front lawn and they asked how I was doing about it and I basically said that, that we decided we're done and while it's still not what I want/would want, I needed to take the active step to resolve this so that I don't have something hanging over me, so that I could be fully present.

Taking that active step was more of a force right now than staying in limbo-land continuing to hope.

It also goes to show that:

• Two things can be true at once - the wanting for something and the wanting it to end
• The pull of something is what will propel us even if reluctantly
• I would never have imagined that I would have gone through the first 9-10 years of treatment pursuing a child, and then 2-3 years of additional surrogacy plans pursuing a second child, and when people asked me 'how do you do it?', this is the only answer I have: I couldn't not do it; it's the pull that propelled me forward, fueled my continuance even when I had little energy to muster up for it

And to the question of why fertility treatments and/or surrogacy vs adoption all this time? YES. Why?? I questioned myself on that ALL THE TIME. 

Here's the thing - two things:

• Adoption seems like it's the cure-all, the easy option, the more valiant option - but all of those are myths AND it's more complicated that than - we had two people making the decision on this and it's not easy - there are all kinds of questions that crop up on this one that you need to make uncomfortable decisions about (international vs domestic, age of the child, open vs closed, etc, etc, etc) - we did our research, kept coming back to it and while we were right on the edge of pursuing it many times, it just didn't feel right for us, or rather fertility treatments and surrogacy felt more right for us
• The pull of one thing propelled us forward - it's almost like you can't explain it or you take in the 10 factors that you've weighed with this option vs that option and then you go with what you feel is right for you, the collective you, if that's what you are

And today, I'm passing on our baby things. That's huge. And also feels good, in a weird and sad sort of way. 

I'm all about de-cluttering so it feels good to clear things out in general. And I'm not getting rid of everything. I'll keep D's fave baby toys (some of them), I'll keep some of my fave outfits he had. But am I going to keep 20 fave outfits, 20 toys? No. I'd keep all his fave things if I thought another child was coming into this home to use but I need to move on. And I can still keep a few things that I'm not ready to let go of, that is part of D's past (yes, all 2 1/2 years of his past) so that I can reminisce. 

This has all been cathartic for me - writing the post, clearing my head of what we'll pass on as well as physically clearing the stuff.

(And I'm glad that the person we're passing stuff onto is a family member of a friend of a friend who we're helping as a result of this crisis. She was going to get hand me downs at a baby shower now cancelled and she's also lost her job so this will be extremely helpful which makes my heart glad. I also like that it will stay with our 'community'. AND I learned her name is one of the names we had been considering for a baby girl - my grandmother's name - so it's all just very meaningful).

I'm surprised a bit at how quickly I've gotten to this mental state, ready to move on, ready to come to a resolution (which by the way I finally truly understand why the National Infertility Association is named Re.solve). It's only been 2 months-ish since the miscarriage, but again, I think the pandemic moved that decision along more quickly than it might have. 

I've also taken active steps to reduce my meds which feels good as well. My goal is to get off of them as soon as safely and prudently possible mostly so that I can get my body back (though the irony of that is that I'm eating so much more right now, and giving myself the grace to do it and need it).

Resolution. 

Even if the decision came to me passively, I'm still actively resolving, and while not what I wanted, still feels good.

(So many caveats, so many this and this. Because it's not simple).