This week I did two things:
1. I finally decided to have a closure phone consult with our doctor.
We had sent him the results of the autopsy back in March when we got them. He called and expressed empathy and said he was around if we wanted to chat. At the time I thought what's the point.
But talking to him kept lingering in my mind and I finally decided that it could help to bring full closure.
I expected we'd have to wait weeks but turns out the pandemic has made doctors, or fertility doctors more available. So within 3 days we had the appt.
We talked to him yesterday and honestly, it just felt sad. It felt like it had re-opened a wound that I was closing. I got teary-eyed a bit after we got off the video call with him.
The main thing I wanted to know was - did just a bunch of random bad stuff happen to us? And what was the meaning of the last miscarriage.
He basically said that it was random - that the quality of my eggs had nothing to do with it. The quality of the egg has to do with implantation. And that this was a developmental abnormality that doesn't happen often but of the developmental abnormalities, this was the most common - the abdominal wall defect.
We brought up donor egg in a surrogate with him again, went over broad costs and likelihood of that working and it's interesting - it felt hopeful. And that's his job - to create hope when there isn't any or when it feels like there is very little. I felt like I was getting swept up in it again...
But then reality hit. We're in a pandemic, things would take longer. We're already in a lot of debt, this would just add to it. And the complicated-ness of sharing eggs or not and those costs. But mostly, I don't have the emotional stamina to continue. And he said, you can give yourself the ok to stop as well. You've earned that right. That was interesting.
And I go back to - if someone could just place a health baby in my arms, it would be no question. But it doesn't work that way, at least not for most people and not for us.
And we have D and he's amazing and I'm ready to get on with my life without this part-time hugely emotional job.
2. Commemoration.
I'd been thinking about how do I commemorate this last pregnancy - the one that made it to 14.5 weeks. Do I commemorate that one and not all the other loses I've had? Honestly, I don't even know what that number is - 11?
But I do think this one is different. I had already named him - A. Do I do something with his name? Put something on a wall? Plant something? What? What would seem appropriate and not too much? Something that would ease the pain and not add to it every time I saw it?
I love Li.sa Leon.ard designs. She's so creative and the ability to add a pearl to jewelry is the perfect gift to recognize an additional component without naming it.
We got L a necklace with her son's name and a pearl to signify that she carried D but he's not her family.
And I'd been thinking about getting something similar for K and for N - so I just ordered those up.
And then I was looking for me - I don't wear jewelry a lot and I didn't think I'd want something with D's name or initial on it so I decided on a necklace with his birth flower and a pearl to signify both A who didn't make it and that pearl can just signify all those that didn't come.
Here's what it will look like:
I'm excited to get it.
I'm looking forward to continuing to move forward while also honoring what's happened with our journey.
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