Monday, December 20, 2010

Infertility Can Seem so Cruel

What happened to me being peaceful? Seems like that only lasted a couple of weeks.

I think my boss's comments really struck me on Friday. I plan to have some sort of follow-up with him - just wanting to at least clarify what, if any, performance concerns he may have of me. Earlier this year, he said I was doing amazing and wanted to promote me, so I know I'm not ready for promotion now, but maybe my performance isn't necessarily bad, it's just not outstanding anymore... when we talked in October, he said it was inconsistent.

I just want to know if he was asking me "whether I was happy or not" and "doing what I wanted to be doing" more because he sensed I was unhappy and might leave, or if he also had performance concerns. He's usually straight with me, so I may be reading too much into this and he may have simply been worried about me leaving, which is actually a good sign on my performance... and he did say that while the promotion won't happen now, 'we've just kicked it down the road a bit'.

It bothered me all weekend. I didn't sleep well. Especially last night - I actually turned out my light at 8:30pm because of the lack of sleep all weekend! But then woke up at 1:30am-4:30am. Read about 100 pages of The Go.od Earth by Pea.rl Good book by the way.

My husband and I started again on what our next steps are... he wants biology so badly and I keep feeling like my body is failing us. His heart just isn't open to adoption right now. And honestly, deep down, I think we do still have a little ways to go on biology but I just wish the pressure would come off a bit. If he was the one to say 'let's start a homestudy', then I think I'd say, well, let's do some more tests...

I just want to be happy & peaceful!!


  1. Hoping this monday goes better for you at work. It's funny how if our hubby says one thing, we're never on the same page with this IF battle. Seems like that's how we are too.

  2. Sigh, I just wish things were easier. I have felt as you do before, and it's hard.

  3. I wish I could give you a giant huf right now. I wish this were easier too for all of us. Love to you....

  4. It sucks to have the stress of work concerns adding to the IF. I do think it's a good idea to explain more details to your boss. If nothing else, you will feel better because you won't be constantly wondering if he really understands what you meant when you said you've had some difficult personal issues to work through.

  5. I'm sorry, I've been there and it is a difficult place...desiring so much that peace and knowing what road to take, but being unsure of which path is best for you as a couple.
    I can tell you from person experience I had a really hard time initially with letting go of the biology too, I had to grieve that loss for a while, but now I can tell you I'm just as happy as with our IVF pregnancy and have felt so at peace recently with that decision. Hoping you're able to gain some peace and reassurance soon. Sending so much love to you my friend & hope for strength when you need it most ((hugs))