No Drug Option?

At my support group last week, a woman was talking about how she's doing a no-drug IVF cycle (aka natur.al cy.cle IVF). Interesting, I thought.

And then it wouldn't leave my head. I kept thinking about it. Part of what I haven't liked about our IUIs is that the drugs make me a crazy person. I remember asking our clinic if they would do IUI for us without drugs and they said they wouldn't recommend it. Not knowing much about anything at the time, we just went along with what they recommended.

But now, with 3 IUIs under my belt, I am more informed. And I'm about to be more informed. I'm curious to meet with this new clinic and discuss no drug IUI or IVF, and I'm especially curious about IVF. I always thought I'd have mixed feelings on it but now that there is an option that wouldn't make me a total crazy person and would increase our chances without the cost or invasiveness being insane, I want to know more.

The support group helped tremendously last week. And I want to make sure I keep a peaceful state of mind, but I also think I'm ready to get this show on the road again.

Do you know more about no drug/natu.ral cycle options? Can you share?

Yesterday

First of all, THANK YOU all so, so incredibly much for all your outreach so far. It's been truly amazing and has kept me going. I tell you, there's just nothing like our community. It really pulls us through. I cannot tell you how much it helped to keep seeing messages come in...

Especially after my afternoon. After I wrote my update and had talked to my husband, I called my mom. Big mistake. In fact, I've learned a huge lesson to not tell her next time we're going through treatment.

I was more or less ok & dealing, particularly after I talked with my husband, but then she had the nerve to say to me "maybe you walked too much" and "maybe you should have gone to the hospital right away". Ohhhhhhh, I wasn't going to take that.

I said, "this is not my fault. There is nothing I did or didn't do to cause this and I can't believe you're saying this to me when I'm in enough pain already." We just got off the phone. I called my dad at work and explained. He said he'd talk to her and he even urged me not to tell her next time we do this because he recognizes she can say insensitive things...

So, I left work... and left a big project that I couldn't concentrate on and feel badly that I didn't get it to my boss and just walked around the block and sat down and cried outside.

She called back later to apologize and by then I was more or less ok, BUT then she starts crying saying "I feel like I've lost a grandchild today." Goodness sakes!!! This isn't about you - it's about me. I'm sorry, but it just is. That's what I wanted to say but she was in pain and I wasn't going to cause her more pain. I just know I won't tell her anything the next time we do this. I've learned my lesson big time.

This whole thing with my mom is really too bad and ironic, actually. Here I am, wanting kids so badly and here she is saying all the wrong things to her child in pain. I just don't get it. I really hope that when we have children, I don't cause this type of added pain to them when they're going through something hard.

Onto next steps: fibroid surgery sometime this summer & try again this fall hopefully.

Until then, I wish I could just take some time off but I need to get through these busy projects at work and we're going to Atlanta for a wedding this weekend... and I wish we weren't going. I really just want to wallow for now. But I can't.

Immediate next step: excited to have bought a 3 month unlimited summer pass to my beloved bik.ram yo.ga studio. It helped me during my last miscarriage. I think it will help again.

Thanks again for your love, support and kindness. I give you all (((hugs))) back!

Update

We are miscarrying. My hCG dropped to 139 yesterday.

I'm crying and can't write anymore.

Having a Scare

There was blood in the toilet last night. I started freaking out.

Then I called my best friend and started reading my book. It seems like some bleeding may be ok, especially if it's a lighter pink/red (which mine was)... what worried me was the bit sitting at the bottom of the toilet. I would understand if I were 'spotting' but some blood in the toilet? That seems more than spotting to me.

AND add to my worry that I feel like I'm just not supposed to be pregnant or it's not supposed to be this easy and I start thinking that maybe this wasn't supposed to happen for us after all.

I called my doc and they got me in this morning. He couldn't tell anything yet from the ultrasound - so said that it could be nothing but that it could also be an early miscarriage. They got bloodwork and will get the results tomorrow - let's hope my number has quadrupled since Friday - that will be a really good sign.

Ugh. I hate limbo-land.

Welcome May ICLW!

I love this week of ICLW-the blogger 'love' fest :)

If you're new, thanks for dropping by and hope I get to meet a few new people this week! And if you're a faithful friend & follower - thank you for your continued support & friendship. It's meant the world to me!

My quick story: ttc for 2 1/2 years. Had a miscarriage last fall after IUI #2. Fell despondent. Just tried IUI #3 spontaneously and results so far are positive! hCG today was 577 - almost double from Wed (303)! Woohoo!! Ultrasound next Friday at the 6 week mark!

I continue to pray for my TTCers... Happy ICLW!

Yay! More Good Results!

hCG is 303. Up from 132 from Monday. I can hardly believe it. I never got over 200 last time. So, it's looking good...

In fact, I need to confirm but don't think they want me coming back for bloodwork Friday (which I actually really want to do - you know, peace of mind). Instead, they want me to come next Thurs for an ultrasound - at 6 weeks.

So, yay! It's a really nice feeling but I'm also walking around just dumbfounded by all of this. It isn't supposed to happen... and yet somehow it is.  I know it's still a long road so I'm not going off the deep end being excited but, for now at least, yay!

Is it Psychosomatic?

I've been tired since Thurs. Since the IUI. It has to be psychosomatic, right? I can't instantly be tired...

It could be the drugs. I'm taking pro.metrium 2x/day. Does that make your hormone levels out of whack to make you tired?

I haven't been biking to work to be safe. I haven't really exercised. I've walked home from work a couple of times - 1.5 miles but was tired by the end.

Last night, I walked about 20 mins to meet a friend for dinner and got tired and had to take a taxi for the rest of the 7 blocks! That never happens to me. I ran 10 miles twice a few weeks ago!!!

I had no energy this weekend and caught up on my DVR. I even motivated to go to my friend's yard sale Sat morning and after my shower was too tired - at 11am!!! Nuts.

Please, please let me be pregnant... it can't all be psychosomatic, can it?

Officially in a 2ww

We had our 3rd IUI yesterday. And I'm feeling (very) hopeful. In fact, I'm going to assume for now that I'm pregnant (and hope my world doesn't crash in 2 weeks).

We've always said we'd do 4 IUIs and then re-consider our options so maybe knowing we have 'one more' helps. Our doctor, though, actually said he wants to talk about next steps since this is #3. Not sure what that means but I'm setting up an appt in this 2ww because I want to know our next plans if this one doesn't work.

I'm not running the 1/2 marathon this weekend. I'm abstaining from my beloved bik.ram yoga (hot yoga) and I'm not riding my bike to work anymore (for now).

I slept 10 hours last night. 10 hours!! I'm going to assume I'm pregnant for now.

(I know, I know, it's probably impossible to be pregnant this quickly much less feel the side effects).

I also said I wouldn't tell my parents about this cycle, telling my husband "no good could come of telling them" and of course, I broke down and told them. (The 1/2 marathon is in their 'hood and I just couldn't say "I haven't trained enough for it" because they know about my 2 recent 10 mile runs...).

And I told them, please, to not get excited because we don't know and it's harder for me when they (and by they, I mean my mom) gets excited... but then she proceeded to say "Glad you lost weight but maybe you'll gain it all back" and "Maybe next year when you do the 1/2 marathon, I can babysit". She was trying but couldn't help it.

Ok, so she's getting carried away... which is what I didn't want. (But if I'm going to assume I'm going to be pregnant, then why can't they??? If I can get excited about pregnancy, they should be able to too).

Fri, May 14 is my blood test. And of course I already bought an early home pregnancy test to do either 1-2 days before that. We fly out for a long weekend to St. Petersburg, FL for B's cousin's wedding, so I'm hoping it will be a celebratory weekend or a much needed trip away.

Here's to a peaceful 2 ww!

Ready for IUI & No Running (Thank You!)

I am READY!! Yay!

We are triggering tonight for IUI on Thurs. I feel really good about this. I have one follicle that is 26mm - that's really good. I haven't had one that big yet. Another is 18 and then a bunch of medium-sized ones. Potential chance of multiples my doc says.

Because this is IUI #3 he says he would set up an appt to discuss other options if this doesn't work. I think I want to do that during the 2ww because I want to be prepared with an action plan if this one doesn't work.

And as for running the 1/2 marathon this weekend... I won't. Thanks for all your advice about it yesterday. I guess I wasn't thinking straight. I'll check with my doctor but I'd much rather be on the safer side for this. Only hard part is fibbing to my parents. The race was up near where they live and I really don't want to tell them about this IUI so I think I'm just going to tell them that I don't think I've trained enough for it...

Thanks again for all your support!!

NOT Self-Injecting was... GREAT!

After having to self-inject on Friday (= nightmare), B got to give me the next shot last night.

I've never thought something was so heavenly in my life. I didn't have to prepare the needles, iced myself to numbness, got to look away while he did this and I didn't feel a thing. Not even after (where I sometimes feel stinging). It was remarkable.

I wonder if ice really is the trick. And really can't believe I didn't think of that sooner.

Day 11 appt tomorrow so we'll know whether we trigger or not for a Thurs IUI. Hope everything is looking good.

I feel much more at peace about all of this now. (Maybe it's the hormones - the good ones - talking...). I think knowing that this is IUI #3 and that we said we'd re-assess after #4, makes it seem like some outcome is going to happen sooner and it's not this big hole. At least for now.

If we have the IUI on Thurs or Fri, I'm hoping that running a 1/2 marathon on Sunday won't be bad... I hear not to do activity the day itself, but a few days later shouldn't matter, right?

Any advice out there on this??

Self-Injecting was... Ok

It wasn't great. In fact, it was very angst-ridden.

Due to travel and unexpectedly not having my travel buddy, I had to self-inject for my IUI shot for the first time ever. Not fun. Halfway through I was really wishing I had looked up a nurse on craigs.list to help me or something!

For those of you who told me about ice - thank you!!!! I don't know why I hadn't thought of that even before. There's no way I could have done this without ice. Must have ice from now on.

So, I was sitting there in the hotel room with my husband on the phone trying to figure out the different needles and how to deal with the vials. It's much more complicated than I had thought. I have to say, much as I don't think I want to do this again on my own, I'm glad I know what actually goes on instead of looking away the whole time B is preparing these shots for me.

It felt like it an hour, maybe 1/2 hour, forever. Longer than expected. And there were 2 shots - yes, my dosage came in two. Ugh. And I had no idea how hard it is to actually push the syringe part down into you. Not the needle into you but once that's in, then pushing the stuff actually into you. That was the hardest, really.

When it was all said and done, I just kept crying. The stress of it all, plus the stinging. Even with ice.

It's done. I have some bruising. Sunday night, B can do this for me, only this time I'll actually know what he's doing.

Greater cause... greater cause. It's all for our little one who just hasn't shown themself yet!

So, thank you again, everyone for your support - that was awesome!!

***********
Now, to enjoying the rest of my time in Chicago! Off to a bik.ram yoga class this morning and then will do some much needed shopping!

Scared of the Self-Injection

It will be my first and I'm a big baby. I commend all the IVFers out there who likely have had/have to do injections themselves...

Ugh. I'm in Chicago for work (yay, I love this city!) and decided to stay through Saturday to see a close friend and was hoping she could do it for me Friday night. Turns out, she needed to leave town on an emergency family visit... so I'm left all alone to figure this out.

How am I going to do this? I look away everytime someone inserts a needle in me. And now I have to do this myself????

Ok, great cause, greater cause. I know.

Can I just aim and still look away? Somehow?

Seriously, any advice? :)

Why Wait Any Longer?

After having cried for much of the weekend, I decided that enough's enough. No more waiting. It's time for another IUI.

I don't want to sit idle anymore. And that's what this feels like. I'm only crying because of the heartache I feel for wanting to have children and for what it's doing to me to not be able to... right now.

Yes, I'm scared to take the plunge. And scared of what a negative result will do to my state of mind. But I'm also not willing to not do anything anymore. I've reached a point where Ineed to feel like I'm doing everything I can to not cry anymore.

Only thing I brought up was 'why don't we try naturally again this month instead of all the drugs, appointments, shots, expense & heightened expectations?'  B had a good point - I feel like we've been trying that and it isn't working.

Much as I would like to avoid all of the above and really just conceive the old natural way, it may be time to do this again. It's been 5 months since the last failed IUI which resulted in a methotrextate shot to dissolve a pregnancy thought to be ectopic. I'm willing to hope again. Or at least willing to start IUI #3 knowing that our reconsideration point would be a failed IUI #4.

I made a hasty decision yesterday. I called the fertility clinic and made my Day 3 appt for today. And my follicles look good.

Only thing is... if the doctor calls this afternoon to move forward with IUI, I'm traveling to Chicago later this week for work, which means I'll either have to self-administer my Day 9 shot or see if the friend I'm staying with can. I'm such a baby when it comes to this and have so much empathy for IVFers. I've had my husband available to do them for me in the past. Oh well. I guess I've got to grow up!

Here's to possibly IUI #3...