A Plea to My Husband on Adoption

My body has failed me once again. My period showed up today and while it is/should be no surprise, this was the first month of our new "clean slate" after fibroid surgery and trying.

I monitored my cervical fluid. We had sex twice around the fertile times. And still nothing.

And, I know. Even if everything is working fine, it's not like it should happen the first month or anything...

I cannot continue to feel like my body is failing me. I cannot continue to have timed sex (though honestly, at least it 'forces' us in our busy lives to have sex 1-2 more times than we would have otherwise, which is a good thing!). I cannot continue to have 2 week waits. And I cannot continue to be disappointed by blood every month.

What I want is a baby. In my arms. Today. I want what jrs has. She's In Love and I'm in love for her! (check out her beaming new picture in that link).

I'm starting the process with research. And looking into suggestions you've given me (I've ordered Ad.opted for Li.fe on ama.zon - thanks Rachel!)

And I know we each have our long roads. I was comforted and surprised to hear of Lau.ra Bush's journey thanks to Jess. Read it. It's worth it.

Here's the conundrum I'm facing: My husband is not comfortable with adoption... 'at least not now' is what I keep telling myself. He's open to research and that's what we're doing and maybe that's ok for now.

But all I want is to forget about all these biological options that are energy-draining for me and for us to both be excited about adoption, which I feel so incredibly compelled to explore. How do I get him to share in that? What do we do?

Adoption Research, Here We Come!

Adoption has been on my mind for so long now, and my husband is finally ready to have us start researching.

So... I need some help since I'm really starting from scratch.

• Any good checklists that you can recommend on the steps needed for adoption? And does it differ if it's private vs. public? international vs. domestic?
• Any good agencies to recommend? (We live in DC if that makes any difference)
• Any information on adopting from India? How is that done? Any agencies that specialize in that?

We don't really know our specific thoughts on all those questions - private vs. public, int'l vs. domestic, but for various reasons, we feel pulled to India.

I'm half Indian so I think we think it would be a nice tie back to that part of my family that my husband has become very tied to as well. I think for whatever reason, it may be easier to have a child who really might not look like us so we don't get the mistaken 'oh, your child looks just like you' comments, though we've also considered the opposite of it being obvious that we've adopted and the questions that would come from that. I have no idea what to think of all of this since it's so brand-new to us.

And, my husband's not fully on-board which makes it harder... he really believes that we still have good chances on having biological children. But for whatever reason, I just feel 'done' with that option. I've poured too much energy into it and it's drained me. I know adoption isn't easy and it's full of it's own challenges, but I'm ready for something different.

I've always wanted adoption to be part of our story anyway, so I'm hoping my husband will be open enough to potentially have this option come into our lives sooner than we might have thought.

And I'd love any help I can get on getting started with looking into this process.

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And on a joyful note - a HUGE congrats to jrs at Find Joy Now who brought home her son this weekend!

Postponing Next IUI for Peace of Mind

I know a couple of weeks ago we talked about our next IUI being in May but all of last week it just sat uncomfortably with me.

All of last week, when I was at yoga, I felt drained. I felt I wasn't doing my best and I felt distracted. I felt like I just wanted the session to end and I felt like I was going to cry halfway through each time.

I realized that our decision for our next IUI in May was just too soon for me. It was causing me anxiety.

And this is a busy season at work for me (and I'm not even an accountant!) so I thought, let's revisit this in the summer. I think when we went through our miscarriage in Nov, I felt good thinking that we might need a year off and then in Feb he started wanting to know if we could try again in the spring and I just put that answer off, feeling constricted by it.

But I also keep asking myself - do I want to be in the is perpetual state of 'woe is me, I can't have a baby?' and not be doing anything about it? What's the proper balance on taking a break vs. really trying for what you want?

Has what I want changed? I've started reading some of the foster care related books I've bought that I posted here. I actually didn't start with any of these on the list and instead in ama.zon's 'here's what else you'd like' suggestions, I bought One Small Bo.at by Kathy Harrison and I just can't put it down. It's so good.

But it's also made me re-think whether I'm foster parent material. I still have some reading to do before I make that decision, but I'm not sure I have the patience, time or energy to deal with a lot of the special needs that comes from having children who have been neglected or abused. Maybe if I was a stay at home mom, but I don't know if I want that.

So, B is supportive of what I want to do. I think he just hates seeing me upset and wants to try to do something about it rather than just take a break. But I think taking a break is best for my piece of mind right now.

Adoption as an Option... Is He Coming Around?

I had a total breakdown last night. I had a hard time focusing most of yesterday, went to yo.ga hoping it would make me feel better but then all I wanted to do was cry. And I came home and cry.

And then I felt stupid for crying. I wish I could be stronger. I wish this didn't affect me as much. I wish I could just be happy because we have a good life. I really hate myself when I start feeling this way.

I spent a lot of time in the blogging world yesterday catching up on posts and I found one that mentioned (as I know) about how almost every month we grieve. We grieve for the lost chance. We grieve for something we didn't even have. And that really stuck with me. We are constantly grieving. And it's a kind of grief that not many others really understand. Constantly grieving. Wow. That's a lot to put on someone. On many of us.

I also called our fertility clinic yesterday to talk about IUI #3. And I'm not sure how to feel about it. We have to wait a cycle out anyway, so I have time to prepare, but I don't want to be a basket case. I really don't.

Then my husband said the most comforting words of all - 'it'll happen. we'll have a child somehow. it may be asian or haitian but we'll have one.'

And that just cracked me up. And he knows how much my heart has been on adoption. And I hadn't yet heard him say anything more immediate about it in awhile. We talk about adopting from India because we have family ties there. And he knows how much my heart ached after the Hai.ti earthquake and stories of the orphans.

I hope he's coming around. We have our first counseling session tonight too so hoping we go deeper with our family building options discussion.