Saturday, March 13, 2010


So, I can't shake this idea of fostering, or at least foster care to adopt.

I became entranced with it during our second IUI and became convinced this was something I feel led to do after our miscarriage. But... my husband does not. At least not yet, is my hope.

I may not be like most of us in that I'm not sure that I have this strong yearning to have a pregnancy experience. In fact, it scares me, and seems like it would be unpleasant. I don't like being sick.  So the thought of possibly being nauseous for awhile, then feeling uncomfortably big, and then potentially going through a birth experience just doesn't seem like something I actually want. Anymore.

Is that weird?

I haven't had much support for this in real life. My mom thinks that I owe it to my husband to try to have natural kids - that it's natural to want natural kids. My mother-in-law just talked about all the potential bad things with foster kids. And my husband feels the same way.

But my heart keeps aching for this option. For kids who already exist. For kids who need to know what love is, what a family is, what stability means.

I also don't know that I'm cut out for babies. Back when I was single, I always thought that if I didn't find someone to marry, I'd adopt a 5 year old when I was 40. I knew that as a single parent, I wouldn't want to deal with all the baby stuff. So, I think having that in the back of my mind has helped me go down this road now.

And I also know that I won't be able to ever do it if my husband isn't on board. And I don't just want him to be on board. I want his heart to ache for these kids too.

Maybe I'm romanticizing it all though. What do I know about this? Yes, there are horror stories out there. I get it. But I think I've also learned with all of this that there are no guarantees. What if we had natural kids and they had a problem, physical or otherwise? What if we had the most loving foster kids? No guarantees.

I've read Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown and was so moved. I've read Hope's Boy by Andrew Bridge. And was moved.

I know it's not a perfect option. Is there one, though?  But my heart continues to ache for this option.

And sometimes I think I might be wanting this option because it seems more tangible. And I still get sad at the thought of not having biological children because I've actually pictured their little faces so many different ways already...

Anyone have any recommendations, other bloggers, experiences, etc.? Infertili-T&A has been really helpful (and also looking for a blog name change by the way!). They are on their way to this option. She said seeing The Blind Side converted her husband :)

If anyone else out there has any advice, resources or thoughts, I welcome them... I covet them!


  1. Wow, I could have written most of your post myself! I've never been yearning to experience pregnancy. And I used to think -- after getting divorced at 32 with no prospects for remarriage in sight -- that if I didn't remarry, then I'd probably adopt. I still think about adopting at times and I wonder if that's my true parenthood destiny. I think about it sometimes almost like it's a calling. But my husband isn't exactly on board with it, either. And you are right, it is scary no matter what, whether you have your own natural kids or adopt. I don't have any advice for you but it is refreshing to me to know someone else out there feels like I do. If our current success ultimately ends in failure, I am going to want to adopt. I wish you the best as you sort out these feelings. I think it means you have got a lot of love to give and some day, you will be an amazing mom to a child who needs you!

  2. It's pretty common for two spouses to be in different places when it comes to infertility. My only advice is to maybe go to information sessions about foster/adopt and/or go to a couple's therapist who specializes in infertility. My therapist (who is an adoptive mom) has helped me personally AND T and me when we were in the decision making process. I did go through an 'extra' cycle of IVF for T -- I was ready to stop and he was not. But I knew I had to do it in order for him to be able to move on emotionally. It is not easy, but with work I hope you and your husband are able to come to the same place.

  3. I really like what Rachel said. It is hard to wait for both of you to be on the same page. I'm ready to really research and explore adoption as another option for us, but my DH isn't, yet. And it's true, we'll know more after my lap, but that's in May ... :)

  4. I don't think it's weird at all, but then, I'm a boy, so my opinion probably is not of much use there. My wife are failed IVFers looking into adoption. Definitely tougher when your spouse hasn't caught up to you yet. For what it's worth I think anything that results in the family you hope for is the right thing.

  5. Thanks for these comments! This was really helpful!

  6. I dont think its strange. It would be my preferred option (and my partner's) but we dont have the option to adopt in our country because we are gay. I feel, like you, so compelled to take these children, who are already in the world and lacking a family, love, stability, and provide all of that for them. I've always sort of felt "why bring more children into the world when there are so many already in it who have no family"
    BUt for us, it is not an option.

    ALl this to say - I totally understand how you are feeling and will be behind you 110% if this is the road you take!