I had a total breakdown last night. I had a hard time focusing most of yesterday, went to yo.ga hoping it would make me feel better but then all I wanted to do was cry. And I came home and cry.
And then I felt stupid for crying. I wish I could be stronger. I wish this didn't affect me as much. I wish I could just be happy because we have a good life. I really hate myself when I start feeling this way.
I spent a lot of time in the blogging world yesterday catching up on posts and I found one that mentioned (as I know) about how almost every month we grieve. We grieve for the lost chance. We grieve for something we didn't even have. And that really stuck with me. We are constantly grieving. And it's a kind of grief that not many others really understand. Constantly grieving. Wow. That's a lot to put on someone. On many of us.
I also called our fertility clinic yesterday to talk about IUI #3. And I'm not sure how to feel about it. We have to wait a cycle out anyway, so I have time to prepare, but I don't want to be a basket case. I really don't.
Then my husband said the most comforting words of all - 'it'll happen. we'll have a child somehow. it may be asian or haitian but we'll have one.'
And that just cracked me up. And he knows how much my heart has been on adoption. And I hadn't yet heard him say anything more immediate about it in awhile. We talk about adopting from India because we have family ties there. And he knows how much my heart ached after the Hai.ti earthquake and stories of the orphans.
I hope he's coming around. We have our first counseling session tonight too so hoping we go deeper with our family building options discussion.
1 month ago