I had a total breakdown last night. I had a hard time focusing most of yesterday, went to yo.ga hoping it would make me feel better but then all I wanted to do was cry. And I came home and cry.
And then I felt stupid for crying. I wish I could be stronger. I wish this didn't affect me as much. I wish I could just be happy because we have a good life. I really hate myself when I start feeling this way.
I spent a lot of time in the blogging world yesterday catching up on posts and I found one that mentioned (as I know) about how almost every month we grieve. We grieve for the lost chance. We grieve for something we didn't even have. And that really stuck with me. We are constantly grieving. And it's a kind of grief that not many others really understand. Constantly grieving. Wow. That's a lot to put on someone. On many of us.
I also called our fertility clinic yesterday to talk about IUI #3. And I'm not sure how to feel about it. We have to wait a cycle out anyway, so I have time to prepare, but I don't want to be a basket case. I really don't.
Then my husband said the most comforting words of all - 'it'll happen. we'll have a child somehow. it may be asian or haitian but we'll have one.'
And that just cracked me up. And he knows how much my heart has been on adoption. And I hadn't yet heard him say anything more immediate about it in awhile. We talk about adopting from India because we have family ties there. And he knows how much my heart ached after the Hai.ti earthquake and stories of the orphans.
I hope he's coming around. We have our first counseling session tonight too so hoping we go deeper with our family building options discussion.
2 years ago
That is GREAT!!!! Oh girl.... I feel that anyone who adopts a child is like doing one of the best things that anyone on Earth can do.... giving a child a home... and love... and a chance for a bit of normalcy.. that's great and however your baby comes to you... I hope it comes soon.... keep up posted on this journey.... I too am thinking of adoption because I have been on a TTC break for at least 7 months... and it will be longer... and you're right about the grieving.... even though I am not TTC right now... I still grieve every month that AF shows... and it sucks... but this struggle makes us stronger and we will survive... and it will be ok...:) TTYL once I return back from VEGAS!!!
ReplyDeleteFound your blog from Shanel at Determined to have joy. I am from the D.C. area too!
ReplyDeleteHappy late birthday. It sounds like you had a great day off.
I hope the counseling session goes well.
Grieving...oh, I can so relate. Everyday, every month, sometimes each minute.
ReplyDeleteWhat wonderful words a girl likes to hear from her hubby. (((HUGS)))
It's so true--infertility is a process of constant grieving, getting over it, and then grieving again. There are just so many things to grieve. My husband and I are also doing some initial research on adoption. It's pretty intimidating but also exciting. And very comforting to know that we will have a child--it's just a matter of when.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I completely understand! There is so much grief. I realized yesterday that I needed to grieve the fact that this process could still go on for quite sometime. Maybe that sounds weird, but until now I've always been certain I'd be pregnant this month or next, and I'm FINALLY (two years later) realizing that this may still be a long process.
ReplyDeleteHope your counseling session goes well!
HUGS!
I love that he just dropped in that adoption comment! It's so true--I never thought our firstborn would be an African-American/Filipino boy, but he is and I wouldn't have it any other way! Good luck with your next steps!
ReplyDeleteI too had been contemplating the constant cyclical greiving that infertility puts us through. No wonder we have such highs and lows. It makes sense.
ReplyDeleteloved your husband's adoption comment
Oooh I hope he's coming around !
ReplyDeleteIt's so nice to hear comforting words when we need it.
I think him saying that speaks volumes about where he stands on the issue...he is definitely coming around :)
ReplyDeleteThat's great news! I'm sure it's great to know that he's at least thinking about it. Best of luck to you!!
ReplyDeleteiclw
DH can suprise use
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